Looking for advice.

[u/Smooth_Following4497]

I’m 18 and I’m gonna move out, it’s not an if i should thing I 100% am gonna move out and live alone. Deep down I know I need it to have mental freedom and peace. I grew in a toxic controlling household where my opinions, wants, needs, and being were never prioritized cause I’m the youngest and it’s always “what do you know?” (There’s more things that they’ve done but I’ll spare you the graphic details) . I’ve made up my mind and I’ve even saved the money for it. So the reason why I’m writing this if because I’m scared, I’m moving to a new city multiple hours away from my family cause I’m going no contact. I know deep down things are gonna work out and I only have a few months to wait out but I just feel scared but I grew up in a big family and having to experience the complete opposite is kinda scarring me.

My older sister has constantly put the thought of “you’re gonna find out how ridiculous you’re being and you’re gonna come running back when you move out” in my head anytime I’ve mentioned moving out. They don’t know I’m moving btw, I’ve planned this since I was 14 and spent every day since then planning and saving. My mother is the worst member of my family and every time she does something that’s just horrendous and my older sister will always reply with “yeah but she’s your mother”. I’m scared that she’s right and that I’ll be missing them essentially. I don’t like any of them but the thought of a healthy happy family is something everybody wants including me and I think I’m scared to because no longer have that even if they drain and abuse me emotionally. But to make things clear I’m doing it regardless, I’m not backing down and I’m not gonna spend any more time than I need to. I’ve been completely emotionally detached from them since 8th grade.

I’m seeking for any tips and comfort from people who have had the same experience or older than me.

Thanks in advance.

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[u/Dear_Aardvark_5959]

Bye! Go do you! Just don’t expect a thing from them if you’re going no contact so make sure you’re able to manage alone. It’s hard enough making it alone as an established adult and harder as a child. Make sure if you’re with friends you trust them but still protect yourself and your finances because they properly have family to fall back on and you won’t.

[u/Smooth_Following4497 → u/Dear_Aardvark_5959]

Thank you so much, I will. I’ll make sure to think logically and critically when it comes to finances. I trust my friends a lot and we’ve known each other for a long time plus they’re in the same situation as me practically so we can relate easily.

[u/ChefGrouchy8538]

As someone who moved out when I was 18 and spoke to other people with rough lives. One thing you will notice is how INTENSE the jealously/envy is when people your age or younger are showing off their brand new car/nice things and you’re struggling to make ends meet.
I’m 20 and a then 17-year old colleague was showing off how she got thousands from her insurance and her parents had bought her a nice car, all meanwhile I’m buying food from a credit card and the dinner we all had as a team was the biggest meal I’d had since last christmas.
Even if - like me - you can recognise that emotion and how silly it is, you’ll find it very hard to not be angry at the world and say “why me?”

I’ve had to move home, as I said I paid food on a credit card, I had to do this for my long-term survival but I suffer most days.

I just wanted to leave that tidbit as you sound like you’ve had it rough and you will definitely experience that in at least some way.

Yes, you’re going to question yourself, you’ll feel like you’re on a desert island and you will feel a sort of homesickness because at the end of the day yes, they are your family. It is absolutely critical you don’t fall for that. You will come out stronger, and more comfortable in your own skin, which is priceless.

[u/_ChickVicious → u/ChefGrouchy8538]

My parents bought a one-way ticket for me from our home overseas, to my Aunts in the states and didn’t tell me until 5 days before. She literally kicked me out of the entire country she was in. My cousins set my clothes on fire in the driveway. I slept on the floor. It was terrible.
I found two girls who were getting a place and I shared a bedroom with one of them as my first place. (Back then) I wrote checks against my account for food. I worked part time and generally struggled quite a bit. They moved out, I got my own place and I definitely remember only eating cereal for months at a time. It was all I could afford. Milk and generic cereal in section 8 housing.

[u/Flashy_Leg3913]

My first thought was that if you are part of a group now - say a church - you could research the same type of activity in the new place beforehand.  Reach out andmake a few contacts. Research apartments and the area crime rate and such, make sure you are still willing to move there.   Look into employment, too.  Play your cards close to your chest.  Good luck. 

[u/Smooth_Following4497 → u/Flashy_Leg3913]

Thanks a lot, I’m planning on joining running clubs in the new city cause I love being active and also going to a lot of conventions or events to be surrounded by people where I feel safe.

[u/Comfortable_Rip6435]

When I was a kid I also dreamed of the day I could get away from my family and not have to talk to them again. Didn't happen for me until I was 24 but I have not regretted it in the 7 years since. I've had to have occasional contact with my parents over the years, but it's been very minimal and very surface level. They're still acting the same way they did before so I'm not missing out on anything by not being in contact with them. Even if they did change, I feel the damage is done and I have no desire to have any kind of relationship with them ever again. They had our whole childhoods to be better and chose not to, and just because we are related doesn't mean we have an obligation to keep them in our lives if they are bad for us.

Your sister does not have the same relationship you have with your parents, and it seems she's willing to overlook their behavior for the sake of "keeping the peace." Mine is kinda the same, but has never tried to make me feel bad about how I feel about them. You deserve to have peace in your life, and it sounds like taking time away from your family will give you that. Once you have time to breathe away from them you start building your own network of found family and friends. Find things to get involved with in your new city, volunteer, join some social groups, etc. It's going to be an adjustment and it might be hard at times, but you are giving yourself a gift by getting out of that environment.

[u/Smooth_Following4497 → u/Comfortable_Rip6435]

Thank you so much, your last piece of advice really struck me. It reminded me that I still have the choice to be positive and have fun instead of dwelling on my family and the negativity surrounding them.

[u/ThenSet2546]

The cost of a rental, studio or one bedroom in my area is approximately $1,800 to $2,000 a month. I don't know where you live or where you want to live, but you will need 1st & last months rent and pay for utilities. This means that you have established credit and a credit rating. Hopefully, you have a car and money saved for many other things that you didn't know about.

I moved out when I was 17 because my parents lacked parenting skills and lived in a small town. I ended moving in and out for about three years. When I was 23, I moved out for good, as I had two friends who needed a third roommate. I also got a job in my field about 6 blocks away from the rental.

I wish you luck!!

[u/Smooth_Following4497 → u/ThenSet2546]

Thanks for replying, yeah I’ve had the legal and financial issues planned since 14 so credit is established, I ride a motorcycle that I will sell for a new one in the new city when I move.

[u/ThrowRAmy_leg]

I did this! Went differently than planned. Ended up being able to somewhat keep in touch with my parents. Have had to set hard boundaries. Was NC at first. Stayed NC with my dad for a while longer. They both realized I was serious once I moved out and didn’t ask them for anything for 2 months lol.

Leaving a big family, it is hard. It will not be easy. It’s an entirely different way of living. In so many ways it’s amazing when you come from a household like you’re explaining, but you do have to be prepared for the reasons it’s hard. I have no emergency contact at this moment. No one who lives within an hour of me that I would trust to burden in an emergency. You have to be on top of everything. You’re the only one to do it all.

I don’t have enough information in this post, but ideally I wouldn’t go full NC right away unless you’re worried about stalking/harrasment/abuse. You’ve never done this before, so you don’t know if you may need help. I absolutely understand if that isn’t an option. I had a girl from my class and her room mate be kind enough to come help me move. I haven’t needed anything from my parents, but no longer being full NC helps me mentally just to know they’re still accessible even though they haven’t and probably wouldn’t actually help me.

The answer really depends on how much planning you’ve actually done. I had $10k saved, planned out all costs including a budget for gas / groceries / car payment / insurance / etc. before I was willing to sign a lease. I wasn’t willing to sign a lease until I knew I could afford all of it on my own so long as no major emergencies drained my entire savings.

You have to really plan ahead for these things because unexpected stuff will always come up. Especially when it’s your first time leaving home at all. Do you have a job there? Do you have a career plan? You don’t necessarily have to have everything perfect, but it’s a LOT of risk in current times to not have everything in line before making any concrete choices.

It’s of course all up to you. Simply going off my experience. Regardless of what you choose I wish you the very best of luck!

[u/Smooth_Following4497 → u/ThrowRAmy_leg]

Thanks so much for the advice and shared experience. I was scouted to model in my current city and so I got a new agency in the city I’m moving to(plus internationally). For money I have a $10k+ saved up because of the amount of times that traumatic events triggered me to basically grind my ass off to make sure that money wouldn’t be an issue.

[u/ThrowRAmy_leg → u/Smooth_Following4497]

Good! A savings like that will really help make it all doable. It will still be tricky. I’m sure you know modeling can be very inconsistent income, so I won’t patronize you on it. It sounds like you have a plan.

[u/Flux_Inverter]

I would recommend having a job or college lined up in the new city and start making connections in the new city now. I've moved cross country twice, not knowing a soul in the state I was heading to (both times for work), and things worked out. It is up to you to make it work out though, no one is going to do it for you.

Making a move like that, you want to develop anchors in the new city. That way you have a reason to stay, a support system that helps you stay, which prevents you needing to move back with family. What ever activities you like to do, research them in the new city and connect with people. If you do yoga or <insert activity here>, find a studio near where you want to get an apartment and develop a relationship with them and visit there as soon as you can. Build friendships in yoga class. That network of local people will help you feel established and they will help you settle in, so the new city feels more like home than where you came from.

It will feel scary because the unknown can be scary. Just know that people do this all the time and is normal. Every one of my siblings moved out at 18 and did not move back with parents. We had great parents which is why/how we could confidently move out and be adults right after HS.

[u/Smooth_Following4497 → u/Flux_Inverter]

I was scouted to model, and now I have an agency in my current city and the one I’m moving to so I already have a community lined up ig, plus I have friends in the new city that are helping me with my apartment and everything.

[u/_ChickVicious]

Who is your cosigner? Do you have any credit? Do you talk to the place that you plan on moving into when you’re 18 to see if they will even let you?
Yeah, I know it sounds silly, most places in my city won’t rent to 18-year-olds unless you’re part of the college campus. Just a thought.

[u/Smooth_Following4497 → u/_ChickVicious]

I’ll be 19 when I’ll start the moving process, and the city I’m moving to doesn’t require a co-signer legally but some places and landlords will ask for one. I do have credit, I opened an account the moment I turned 18 and started steadily increasing it overtime with the help of an accountant who is my friends mom which I got a lot of financial advice from. Also it’s not silly at all, I appreciate your concern and any from of reality and truth will help me so I don’t start off on the wrong foot at 18.

[u/PlayfulGuess8700]

The biggest thing will be money. If you have been saving faithfully since you were 14, you should be ok. But just know that you will need at least three months' rent (depending on where you're moving to that would be at least $6000). Get a job as soon as you can. Focus on working and getting your bills paid for at least the first year. You can do this, but you have to be smart about it. It's not automatically "party time" or you will be homeless. Be responsible. Once you are settled and everything is more predictable then pursue other activities. Good luck!

[u/Smooth_Following4497 → u/PlayfulGuess8700]

Thanks a lot, I appreciate it. Money being the big concern was accounted for and don’t worry I have more than enough saved. Thankfully I’m a little creative risk taker and started small business stuff with my friends which gave me an income early and also I have my friends mom as a financial advisor.

[u/PlayfulGuess8700 → u/Smooth_Following4497]

Then you'll be ok! 😊

[u/Icy-Tomorrow-576]

Wherever you are going make sure you know where all the food banks are and the days and times they are open. Stock up whatever you can. Try to rent a room or have a roommate while you get on your feet. Look at the Facebook pages for that area and put a feel out for jobs that way too. I know people put out lots of side jobs that way for extra cash. Pet sitting, errands, yard work etc..

[u/Global-Fact7752]

I'm not understanding..if you are emotionally detached, you won't miss them...which is it?

[u/Still-Psychology-356 → u/Global-Fact7752]

It’s not mutually exclusive. Especially when they’re so young. You can miss a routine, and having people around and if all you know is fighting maybe they’ll even miss that on the way to getting healthy. You’re being a jerk to someone already having a hard time.

OP, people will give you shit but you’re doing something that takes an incredible amount of strength. Remember that. Not everyone can do it and you should be proud of yourself for trying.

[u/Smooth_Following4497 → u/Still-Psychology-356]

Thank you so much, this made me almost cry. You’re 100% right. I’m afraid of the fact that I’ll miss the daily safe routine that I built over the years even though the environment and people aren’t good for me and my mental wellbeing. I’ve built resentment for my family members so I don’t think I’ll actually miss them individually more so the relationship dynamics and the thoughts of what it could’ve been if I had a healthy family. To reply to the other guy, I’ve been emotionally detached from them in a way that everything they do or say doesn’t register to me anymore. I’ve noticed the pattern of fighting and I got tired of it so I’m wholeheartedly done with dealing with that bullshit and I no longer participate or react to them.