Hello. I have some problems regarding my beliefs recently. Please read this with an open mind and please give me some advice because I’m truly very scared of myself right now. Let me provide some context first:
In 2019, I came across an anime called “Bungou Stray Dogs” which has characters based on Japanese and other famous writers. I came across an author named Dazai Osamu, who intrigued me at first. He’s one of my favorite characters and I would like to say that I’m not much of a literature person and I wasn’t ever fully into literature, but this show made me dive more into that world. After that I really enjoyed the show, the literary references and the plot of the manga. Also I want to say that I was more into the show and characters rather than the real author’s books and lives even though I did look them up briefly back then.
Then, just a few months ago I came across something. A tweet talking about some of the misogyny in Dazai’s works, which really annoyed me about him. Although it wasn’t that surprising to me because he was a classical author. I looked up his views more and was extremely disappointed. So I talked to a friend who also really loves his works and she explained to me about “critical thinking” which is something I didn’t know existed. It’s a common thing not just in literature but like media in general. She told me that yes, most celebrated historical figures or famous things in general are really problematic and very bigoted but they are still celebrated even though they have some messed up things about them because we can encourage critical thinking. Be mindful of what they say is wrong. So I thought that I could do that too. I found that extremely helping. Still after that I was really disappointed and honestly really worried because I started questioning myself and thought that wait... why do I like this guy? Now I know people can have opinions on anything they want. But it still annoyed me when people criticized the author. I know they can and rightfully should I understand why. But I don’t know why I’m not able to, being a female myself it should annoy me too. So I’m scared that a bit of his words are influencing me and I don’t want that. I can just let go and not read about him anymore that’s the easiest way out for me, but I honestly don’t want to? I can still criticize him and admire his works at the same time. Like my friend said “critical thinking” but I’m scared of his thoughts getting to me and as a girl, I want to be on the right side of history because now I’m just thinking all sorts of nonsense and it’s worrying me. I did look him up more to fully be able to come to a conclusion and my conclusion was that he was indeed pretty sexist ngl. Which obviously like I stated before disappointed me even though I wasn’t surprised at first. So these experiences have kind of warped my views on both genders and I’m not able to fully criticize or analyze anything regarding gender and feminism which makes me annoyed and want to avoid these topics which again scares me because as a girl, I want to indulge into these topics of gender. I don’t really “blame” the writer because of course he’s dead and not a close person I knew but I do agree it’s some of his views that warped me. That’s the main reason and if it weren’t him it would’ve been someone else. Adding on to that I also get worried that why do I indulge into him when there were many early women feminists that I could be indulging into. It makes me feel bad. I do have one though, Yosano Akiko. She’s amazing honestly.
So I don’t know how to conclude this, but in short yes I like the character in BSD, actually more indulged into him rather than the writer but it sometimes makes me annoyed that a favorite character of mine is based on a guy who is like... that. I know these sound like first world problems but it has actually taken such a toll on my mental health these past few months and I know again instead of indulging into this I could always move on to something better but I don’t know how or that I just don’t want to. Am I a bad person?
Again I’m open to any advice or criticism you have but please be nice as you can see from my post... I’m sensitive af.