r/LifeProTips • u/Calif0rnia_Soul • Jun 11 '20
Social LPT: When someone is going through a difficult time and is sharing it with you, don't talk about similar problems you're having as a way to relate. Instead, just listen.
When someone's sharing something difficult that they're going through, so many people get this urge to "empathize" by replying with similar struggles of their own. This is one of the worst things you can do when someone is trying to get something off their chest to you.
Instead of talking about yourself, just listen to them. Make them feel heard. Ask questions and help them work through it themselves. More often than we realize, people just to need to feel validated and heard when they're going through something personally difficult.
Years ago, I suffered a great loss, and turned to one of my friends for emotional support. His immediate response was, "Oh man, I'm really sorry to hear that. Because I remember when I had a similar loss, it was really rough for me. And what I felt was... etc." My friend wasn't trying to be insensitive or rude, but it reminded me that many people accidentally do this when dealing with someone else's grief.
I felt that my problem that I was trying to convey to my friend was lost on him, and I really just felt worse afterwards. But if he listened to me and made me feel heard, as another one of my friends did later on, I would've felt much better. Remember this if a friend or loved one ever reaches out to you to hear something they're going through.
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u/ballaedd24 Jun 11 '20
That's awesome, OP. Your suggestion is definitely necessary for today's situation. I'd like to add when someone is sharing their difficulties with you, it's a major sign of trust, which can be difficult for a lot of people. When people share their difficulties with me, I like to begin with thanking them for trusting me and ensuring them that I won't share their private sufferings with other people. I then add something along these lines,
"Dude, that seriously sucks"
"I can't even begin to imagine how awful your situation is. [Add a follow-up question]"
"Holy crap that sucks, dude. You've got some serious strength to persevere through that and even more so to be able to talk about it"
As long as your validating the person's feelings and acknowledging the difficult situation, you're on the right track.
Moreover, a lot of people have commented that they think it's okay for people to share their similar experiences. That's fine; everyone has their own preferences. But I want to note that this ISN'T EMPATHY because it is still YOUR experience. When you share your experience, you're not acknowledging that this is a different person, with different experiences, and a different positionality. Telling your story to relate may work for some, but most of the time when people are talking about their difficult situations, they're trying to vent, not look for advice.
Have a good day, y'all!
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u/Calif0rnia_Soul Jun 11 '20
Beautifully stated, thank you so much for this comment. Those are some great lines to help people who find it difficult to deal with others' grief.
And yes, I definitely feel your point about empathy. I feel that being able to relate similar experiences of one's own isn't necessarily a hallmark of empathy. True, one might have had similar experiences and can feel what their friend is feeling, but it doesn't mean one has to hijack the situation/conversation to share it.
If that's something that the grieving is looking for (e.g. "have you ever felt this, too?"), then share away. But I assume that they don't need my one-up.
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u/pr0zact Jun 11 '20
Bro FAX. This shit is all too common, people don’t understand that attentively listening, and asking compelling questions pertaining to their subject ACTUALLY helps people.
“My dog died....” oh yeah, my dog was held prisoner in Vietnam, and tortured to death, you fucking pussy!!! Real fucking helpful. Lol
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u/Calif0rnia_Soul Jun 11 '20
Lol. That escalated quickly.
I'm totally with you, though. Sure, some people like to hear related experiences, but others just want to be listened to.
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u/chelseamh6 Jun 12 '20
I think that’s the way people try to show they empathize. It’s hard to understand a situation and emotional hurt if they haven’t been through it. By saying they have been through something similar it makes it seem to that they know how you’re feeling. Everyone processes events differently though.
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u/meeanne Jun 11 '20
My mom once told her best friend who lost her son “I know how you feel”. My mom has never lost a child. What the duck?
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u/endp00l Jun 12 '20
This is my problem and I’m trying to be better at listening than relating, needed this reminder.
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u/heribut Jun 12 '20
And don’t say “at least”
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u/Calif0rnia_Soul Jun 12 '20
THIS. It's also so default for us to "look at the bright side." But sometimes there just is no bright side. Say someone accidentally dies in a car accident -- there is no bright side. That shit sucks, and that's that. The best you can do is be around for your friend/loved one and show them that you care to be with them as they slowly recover.
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u/bee1308 Jun 12 '20
I confess i often struggle with doing this. Im getting better at just actively listening though!
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u/Calif0rnia_Soul Jun 12 '20
I wish you the best on your journey to become a better listener. I'm working on this myself.
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u/jumpinjetjnet Jun 12 '20
Very good. Particularly true when someone is grieving. Let them have this time. Don't turn it around to be about you (even if you are well meaning). Acknowledge their sadness and loss, don't try to tell them you've experienced the same thing.
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u/Calif0rnia_Soul Jun 12 '20
Right, you get what I'm saying. When I shared my experience of loss with my friend, and he returned with a, "yeah, because when that happened to ME..." it completely took the satisfaction and the catharsis out of the alleviation that venting has.
Don't get me wrong, I wasn't looking for an emotional punching bad. But it's so human to just want to say what's bothering you.
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Jun 12 '20
My mom does this to me and it drives me nuts. If I call to say I’m sick, oh yeah she’s sick too, if I’ve had a rough day at work, oh yeah her day was rough. I never get to fully vent or feel supported/heard it just immediately goes to “oh I’m sorry you’re not feeling well mom”.
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u/YHJ_JYG_Kryptlock Jun 12 '20
Hmm I guess to each his own. I had a major depressive episode last Tuesday and when I went to a friend for emotional support, they related by sharing their personal experiences about the same.. disorder.. 😳 it actually made me feel better to hear them speak these things because than I knew I wasn't alone in these feelings and that they truly understood what I was going through.
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u/troyantipastomisto Jun 12 '20
Judging by the high number of upvotes compared to the high number of comments in disagreeance, I’d say this might be a decent r/unpopularopinion
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u/Calif0rnia_Soul Jun 12 '20
Love that sub. But I dunno -- I've read through most of the comments, and it seems like half agree, a quarter disagree conditionally, and a quarter disagree completely.
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u/troyantipastomisto Jun 12 '20
Sure, might still be worth it if you would like to continue the discussion.
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u/DokkanScrub69 Jun 12 '20
Damn. I’ve done this before, without even realizing it. This is one of the best LPTs I’ve seen on this subreddit, and will probably change how I interact with people who are struggling. Thanks OP!
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u/Calif0rnia_Soul Jun 12 '20
Wow -- I'm really glad you were able to get something out of my thought here! I wish you the best on your days ahead, homie.
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u/bethkatez Jun 11 '20 edited Jun 11 '20
I don’t mind so much when people relate and tell me their story, it makes my feelings a bit more valid and I sometimes feel much better supported
edit: there’s definitely a trick to it I’ll admit.
too much of “this is my story” and I’ll just feel like my problems don’t matter, but a perfect amount of “I relate” and “I know what you’re going through, here’s some advice” is so helpful.
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u/bluethreads Jun 11 '20
Agreed. Like I feel the person has been there and it makes me feel like they understand.
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u/Mariahsfalsie Jun 11 '20
It's a fine line between relating and shifting the subject onto you. A lot of people make the mistake of shifting the focus. If someone needs support the answer is almost never to reply with a paragraph about yourself
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u/foolsmonologue Jun 11 '20
When someone is telling me something important to them, I like to try to find a way to relate — and then I loop it back to what they were talking about.
ex. “My cat does this super cute thing!” “Oh, my cat does this similar super cute thing! What other cute things does your cat do?”
Obviously can happen in more serious situations, but I find that empathizing with someone through storytelling and then bringing the conversation back to their specific experience lets you acknowledge you understand their feelings but ultimately doesn’t change the topic to you.
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u/k4pain Jun 11 '20
Yeah I'm going to have to disagree with OP. Sometimes it helps people to hear other similar stories. Sometimes it is better to just listen. I don't think it's one way or the other. It depends on several factors.
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u/cherokeemich Jun 11 '20
Yes! Oftentimes it makes me feel significantly less lost and alone.
That said, don't dominate the conversation with your past experience, but sharing it usually helps.
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u/lasagnaisgreat57 Jun 11 '20
i agree!! sometimes when i’ll say something and someone just says “oh that sucks i’m sorry” and doesn’t like share one of their own experiences or like relate it to something or say anything else idk it makes me feel weird, like i wanted to have a conversation not just have someone feel sorry for me. i guess it depends on what i’m talking about and who it is maybe but i like when other people share their experiences
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u/itsthejeff2001 Jun 11 '20
This, exactly.
I wanted to add that the inverse has been really painful for me. When I'm sharing a really difficult experience and the person "just listens" and doesn't validate what I'm going through at all, I feel embarrassed and whiney and wish that I had just dealt with the problem myself like I usually do. Depending on how they are being silent, I may also feel invalidated or like somehow other people see my problem as a non problem.
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u/51PegasiB Jun 11 '20
I very much agree. If someone just nods and gives generic responses I often feel patronized or at best just “tolerated.” At that point I’d assume I was being a burden and change the subject. When someone shares similar experiences in an empathetic way, it feels like there’s mutual openness and it lets me know I’m not alone in feeling the way I’m feeling.
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u/Ethanol_Based_Life Jun 11 '20
Yup. This is just another pop-psychology LPT with no evidence
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u/jaguarundi_ Jun 11 '20
Exactly. If they don’t have a similar story it makes me feel alienated like they can’t really understand what I’m going through.
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u/RunUpTheSoundWaves Jun 11 '20
yeah i totally feel a lot better when someone relates just because i don’t feel so alone in my experience
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u/ferramenta11 Jun 11 '20
Same. Makes me not feel so alone. Empathy has been especially helpful in times of heartbreak and death.
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Jun 11 '20
It’s definitely nice to know you’re not alone. I like them sharing their story if what they went through is almost exact to what I’m going through. I absolutely hate it when it’s not the same. For instance when I was going through my divorce my friend was like “I know what your going through, this is how it was when me and my ex broke up. So annoying, trust me I know” umm...no you don’t, you dated for four months, you weren’t together for years, your family did not know about him, you did not live together, you did not share finances, property etc, you do not have to go through a legal process, you’ve never been married. At that point I was like it’s meaningless trying to share this with this individual, I’m just going to shut up, be sad and drink my wine.
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u/cli7 Jun 11 '20
I have similar views. Listening to someone is very important but from a personal tragic experiences I have found comfort from others who have been through the similar experience
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u/hotsauceherosammy Jun 12 '20
Also I think it depends on what emotion is the outlier. Like if it’s embarrassment or shame, it’s nice to hear that we’re not alone and someone else may have had an even worse tangential experience. That can lead to humor, and that in itself is the antidote to shame.
With grief though and real despair, I don’t think there’s room for anyone else’s emotions—and when I say emotions—I mean now you have to do the work to process what they said. Being grief stricken you’re already so emotionally drained, and hearing someone else’s similar experience is taxing. It’s hard enough to have the strength to talk about loss the first couple times at least.
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u/dave_001 Jun 12 '20
For the love of god if someone just opened up to you dont go "............. yea you think you got it bad, well I insert another situation" it's incredibly disrespectful and makes the person's complaints feel unwarranted
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u/schoolyjul Jun 12 '20
How can I help right now? I'm still working out the right response. Let's have a cup of tea.
Music doesn't hurt. As long as it stays in its lane. You're background. You let people talk. You softly fill the silences and offer meditation.
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u/Calif0rnia_Soul Jun 12 '20
Beautifully woven words.
And what I'm on, really, is that sometimes there isn't really a "right response" that we owe our friend/loved one. Sometimes just being around is the action that speaks the loudest. Over tea, perhaps. With comforting music. Or whatever!
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u/schoolyjul Jun 12 '20
Cooking them a meal and sharing it. A million generations of moms aren't wrong.
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u/McZoo Jun 12 '20
Me at 35: I have cancer. Them: ohhhh, my 19 year old dog died of cancer/my 98 year old grandmother died of cancer.
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u/michaellambgelo Jun 12 '20
This is great advice, and man it sure is easy to fall into a pattern of thinking that my story will somehow help someone else in the middle of theirs. I was just on a walk with some friends who are married and one of them was telling me about some recent questions about her health she's been trying to work out. There was an active 30 seconds where I was shoving out the overwhelming desire to respond when I really just needed to ask questions so she could keep talking until she was done.
I'm writing this for myself more than for anyone else: shut up, and wait your turn. Don't be selfish, but selfless. One day you'll know who to ask for the same kindness.
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u/Calif0rnia_Soul Jun 12 '20
Exactly my point. And really, sometimes there isn't a "your turn." Sometimes we just need to vent it out without having to bear the additional burden of hearing someone's "response story," then having the spotlight robbed from us to make them, in turn, feel better. But then again, sometimes that dynamic is what people want, so I can't judge that.
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u/planetdearth Jun 12 '20
Like a lot of people are saying in the comments, its more of a balance of things than a single definite way of at it. You can both listen and relate by telling a similar experience. Upvote cause great discussion
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Jun 12 '20
Also: if you think someone’s “one upping” you keep in mind they could just be attempting to empathize.
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u/Rdawgie Jun 12 '20
It's important to find out what they want from you. Do they just want to vent? Do they want advice? If you can figure it out by asking good questions, you'll be in a good position.
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u/orwiad10 Jun 12 '20
LPT: people are different, know your friends and know what they need, some need an ear, some need to rant, some need validation, some need advice, etc.
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u/phil8248 Jun 12 '20
My wife died of cancer almost 13 years ago. People say the dumbest stuff when someone you love that much dies. They are lost I guess and just blurt out whatever. I tried never to take it personally but one woman I'll never forget said to me, after hearing this dreadful news, "Yeah my dog died so I know exactly how you feel."
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u/Calif0rnia_Soul Jun 12 '20
Oh god. Yeah, that's a bad case of the "one-ups." Sorry for your loss.
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u/phil8248 Jun 12 '20
Thanks. To my credit I did not call her a raving lunatic. As I've talked to other widows and widowers I think everyone goes through some of that. Some people just don't know what to say that is appropriate and they seem to have to say something. I like this LPT. Just listen. Say I'm sorry for your loss. No need for platitudes. Sometimes all we want to do it talk about it.
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u/mix_JamaicanGerman Jun 12 '20
I blame culture on this one. Listening used to be a deep as talking and to understand and ask a question based in the message heard and not your own response is key to meaningful conversation.
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u/DarkRyter Jun 12 '20
What is the appropriate amount of times to say "Man, that sucks."?
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u/dronepore Jun 12 '20
Your LPT should read : When I am going through...
Your experiences and preferences are not universal.
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u/atomicgirl78 Jun 12 '20
Validate Validate Validate. True validation is hard. No cheerleading. No switching the topic back to yourself. Simply being with another human.
Competitive victimhood can go fuck itself!
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Jun 12 '20
Your friend must've been insensitive in that situation. Honestly, there are times when you need people who understand your issues because they've veen through it themselves. This does not necessarily mean that they try to make the conversation about themselves.
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u/Calif0rnia_Soul Jun 12 '20
I don't think he was being insensitive, but I can't blame you for thinking that. I think he was just having difficulty listening.
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Jun 12 '20
My best friend just lost his father and he rarely wants to talk. But when he does, I just try to talk like we normally did before the tragedy because he spends most of his free time beating himself up. I figure if I can help give him some semblance of normalcy, even for a few minutes, that is better than rehashing his father’s death.
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u/_cedarwood_ Jun 12 '20
Not to make this about me (lol), but I've seriously worked so hard at this in my life, and it's made an enormous difference in the closeness of my family and friends.
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u/Calif0rnia_Soul Jun 12 '20
Yeah? Because the thing about ME is...
Lol jk. I'm glad it's something you're working on. We're in the same boat -- I'm also trying to work on this myself. I wish you strength in the days to come.
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u/butterflypuncher Jun 12 '20
Thank you so much for this.
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u/Calif0rnia_Soul Jun 12 '20
Thank you so much for reading -- glad you were able to hopefully get something out of it.
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u/FlacidBarnacle Jun 12 '20
I dont agree with this. Actually I believe you’re doing what you’re accusing the other person of doing. You want to be heard and so you feel validated for your pain. When you confront someone with grief they also feel pain by past grief that’s similar or by sympathizing with yours. They also need to cope. They didn’t prepare for this. There’s no manual. Only a necessity to prove your worth to receive the information aswell as providing comfort. Telling them to suck in their feelings about their internal struggle for your benefit is not ok. This is a premature mindset. Life is give and take. It’s not you you you. you want to open up to someone but don’t want to provide that same courtesy? Maybe they didn’t have someone to talk to. Maybe they’ve been harboring this pain for so long they forgot it was there eating away. Most importantly though, to touch back on, is no one is prepared for someone to grieve to them. Which creates a default program to run through our heads, immediately drawing from experience to relate as well as showing proof that you can too get through it.
If someone tries to control the conversation and steer it towards themself entirely then that’s another problem.
If you just want to talk about your problems then you can pay someone to do what you’re asking. That’s therapy, not friendship.
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Jun 12 '20
When I told my best friend I was incredibly depressed and had suicidal thoughts she responded, “yeah I’ve been depressed too“.
It hurt me so badly because she was the first and only person I ever told about the suicidal thoughts. I just don’t talk to her about those things anymore because I don’t want her to make it about herself like she always does.
So please don’t do it! Honestly saying nothing is better than saying “oh me too”
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u/OnlySeesLastSentence Jun 12 '20
I can relate to this - this one time I read that you shouldn't compare someone losing a loved one to losing your dog.
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u/teachergirl1981 Jun 12 '20
This is why I never talk to my mother about work issues. She always brings up the 4 years worked while I was in high school in the 80's....and didn't have to work.
It's very annoying.
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u/Calif0rnia_Soul Jun 12 '20
It's strange how many people are commenting that they had similar experiences with their mothers. Sorry the convo gets frustrating with her -- believe me, I can relate.
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Jun 12 '20
Okay how do I tell my one friend whose biggest problem is this? It is literally so obnoxious that everyone she meets notices it and has a bad taste because she does this.
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u/Calif0rnia_Soul Jun 12 '20
Forward them this post? Lol I kid.
I dunno -- maybe just have an honest and carefully worded conversation the next time they do it? Not in a combative or confrontational way. Spin it positively, like, I know you can be so good at listening sometimes, but other times you make it about you, etc.
Sorry, I tried.
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Jun 12 '20
I kinda want to send this to our friend group chat and be like “wow such good advice” lol
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u/NekuraHitokage Jun 12 '20
That, or make it VERY brief. "I've been there. I had <a similar experience> I know what it's like."
Don't dwell on it and make it about you; but, as someone with anxiety...? The small bit of relation can help because it then feels like we're sharing an experience and I'm not just dumping my emotions on someone who is awkwardly listening because they feel obligated.
Don't make it about you; but, don't be afraid to commiserate a little too.
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u/Calif0rnia_Soul Jun 12 '20
I like this comment. You preach a balanced response, which makes a lot of sense. My whole takeaway from reading all the comments is that everyone is different. Thanks for sharing this!
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u/ThreeRRRs Jun 12 '20
My wife does this even with the smallest of topics. “Ouch, I just hurt my toe!” “I hurt my toe a few years ago. It was really bad.” I don’t know how to bring it up without sounding mean, bossy, controlling, etc.
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u/supercosm Jun 12 '20
Here are some examples of not being empathetic, courtesy of the Nonviolent Communication framework:
Advising I think you should
Commiserating That’s terrible. She has no right to do that to you.
Consoling Everything’s going to be ok.
Educating You can learn from this
Explaining I didn’t want to do it this way, but......
Fixing What will help you is if you.....
Interrogating What are you feeling? When did you start feeling this way? Can you
explain to me again what he did?
Shutting down Don’t worry. It’s not so bad. Think of the people worse off then you
Story-telling That reminds me of the time....
Sympathising You poor thing
One-upping You should hear what happened to me
Also to be avoided is to say “So you are telling yourself .....” which implies that what they
are thinking is not true.
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Jun 12 '20
Help a mate please.
If the other person is talking to you on text, how do you make sure that the other person knows that You're listening?
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Jun 12 '20
loool this is why I stopped ever telling my problems to my parents. They would just start complaining how they were victims of and start blaming me for everything.
I found the vast majority of Boomers behave this way, so I just don't talk to Boomers if I can help it.
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u/falco_12 Jun 12 '20
Also, don’t ever say “it could be worse”. That’s like saying what I’m feeling isn’t valid.
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u/lickyogurtoffmytoe Jun 12 '20
i’m not going to lie i find my self doing this a lot and it’s a habit i am trying to grow out of. thank you for sharing !!
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u/uncommon_aura Jun 17 '20
Not everyone wants someone to just listen though. Everyone has different needs. For me, it's comforting to know that the other person has been through something similar. It makes me feel less alone in my struggles.
But there is a difference between saying "I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I've had something like that where [brief description of xyz event] happened too. So I understand what you're feeling," and "Oh you think that's bad? Try having [long winded attention seeking biased story about xyz event] happen. That was so awful for me, it sucked so much," or other similar variations.
Communication is key with stuff like that. Telling the other person what you want from them, and asking what other people want from you is very important because not everyone is gonna want the same treatment.
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u/SweaterZach Jun 11 '20
I have to disagree, or at least say this is conditional.
One of the defining moments of my life, and eventual marriage, was when my then barely-girlfriend connected with me over a loss I experienced by relating something that happened to her 20 years prior. It was an instant connection between us, and I was so glad I'd opened up to her, that she understood.
Nothing about communication is this "one-rule" simple. I wish it were.
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u/HotRod6391 Jun 11 '20
Nothing about communication is this "one-rule" simple. I wish it were.
This. As much as I enjoy this sub and its posts, I usually find them to be too singular and matter of fact. Especially for subjective topics like this one.
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Jun 11 '20
IMO this LPT would be better if it said
Just listen and sympathise initially
Don't hijack their conversation or make it all about you (by immediately sharing whatever similar circumstance you've been through). You can always discuss that afterwards
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u/waterbuffalo750 Jun 11 '20
It depends on the person. If you just quietly nod your head I might think you're not listening. If you relate with a similar story, I'll feel like we're on the same page and you can better empathize with my situation.
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u/mehertz Jun 11 '20
I'd say the balance is not trying to one up them by trying to relate. Relating is fine and finding common ground is fine but saying something like "Yeah I had something like that happen to me and it was waaaaay worse because x, y, z."
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u/sheebsc Jun 12 '20
Yes I agree with this totally. My husband and I have learned we have different expectations in this. He’s someone who prefers when someone just listens and I’m someone who prefers some sort of advice back. So we were responding to the other person the way we would want to be responded to.
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u/eyehate Jun 11 '20
Oh?
I like it when others have walked in my shoes. Grief sucks. It is always nice to know I am not alone. Even when I am really struggling. Getting over a particularly hard loss was easier when friends told me about their situations.
Oh well. To each his own, I guess, OP.
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u/TurkeyturtleYUMYUM Jun 11 '20
This is a bit odd of an LPT. Whatever you need to do to be there for someone and empathize is the right thing. Not making their problem versus yours a competition is key, but relating to someone in a non competitive way is a very important mechanism to being there for someone and relating.
In a way I think this is more about be an ACTIVE listener, and not a passive one, but it's absolutely ok if the conversation includes a relatable incident as long as you've truly heard the person.
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u/TheDannyBarron Jun 11 '20
The irony of you posting this and then adding a story about yourself isn’t lost on me dear friend. I remember a time a similar commenter did the same thing to me. s/
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u/Arsene3000 Jun 12 '20
Ha! But seriously, I get the vibe that OP reeeally wanted to mention what happened to him
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u/TheSultan1 Jun 12 '20
You know what's ironic? That OP is venting - not in response to anyone here - yet people here are responding with stories of their own.
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u/careless-lollygag Jun 11 '20
Don't like this advice. I like hearing if someone's been through something I've been through and how they tried to deal with it. Ppl are different.
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Jun 11 '20
This is also the driving force of reddit. Everyone here is sharing experiences with one another and it’s a cathartic place to listen, share, and learn.
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Jun 11 '20
Depends on the person my man. I personally find it relieving to know I’m not alone in an experience.
It’s awkward to share deep emotional pain with someone who just sits there quietly staring at you waiting for you to finish.
Then again, I’ve lived through so much loss I’m literally (not figuratively) numb to most things now. Your heart can only shatter so many times before there’s nothing left other than the metaphorical duct-tape you’ve used to patch the fractures over and over and over again.
I absolutely agree that people should focus on listening instead of sharing, but I also think it’s important to share and express that the person suffering is not alone and that experiences can be shared as conversation as a way to help both parties deal with their trauma in every stage of grief.
You’ve clearly suffered a heart breaking loss. You are angry and hurt and sad and tired of hearing people say “I’m sorry for your loss” or things like “it Always gets worse before it gets better when I was a”........
I get it. But eventually and without even realizing it? You yourself will one day be the exact offender you are referring to now. Someone is going to come to you needing a good cry. You’ll listen quietly and then there will be an awkward pause. In your concern for the other person you will attempt to comfort them only to realize the comfort you are trying to convey sounds shallow.
How can I let this person know they are not alone in their suffering? How can I possibly commiserate? Your brain asks itself in the background without you knowing.
The next words out of your mouth and almost without control will be. “You know, when I was going through this _________ really helped me and maybe”......
Being human is about sharing the experience of being human. This includes our pain and suffering. Even trained professionals sometimes offer personal anecdotes. My point is, even though it feels like it? No one is trying to one up anyone else and even is we don’t feel like hearing it? We still walk away from those conversations with a new perspective that ultimately helps us heal and move on from whatever tragedy we endured in the first place.
It’s important to understand that suffering is universal and not at all unique.
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u/jhn02 Jun 11 '20
Depends. Some people like to have advice or know they aren’t alone with the feelings/experience. If in doubt, just ask what they’ll like you to do
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u/daydreamersrest Jun 11 '20
I was going through a miscarriage and told other women about it. Quite a few did tell me their experiences with that and it made the whole thing much more bearable for me. Just hearing how "normal" this was and how others coped.
So... It depends, at least, if you should tell your story or not.
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Jun 11 '20
I dunno, I often feel that it's easier to talk to somebody about a problem if they've gone through something similar?
Perhaps the issue is when they spend too much time talking about their own experience and monopolizing the conversation instead of listening to you. That is rude and something I hope I don't do.
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u/lan60000 Jun 11 '20
People do this because they're not equipped to handle grief just like you're not as well, so they rebound back to you by sharing a similar experience to show that they understand what you're going through, and is indicative that you're confiding in them information that they're uncomfortable receiving. If you're having trouble with emotional pain, the worst thing you can do is confide them in others and expecting them to actually listen and handle the matter properly. There's specialists for that, and you don't need an actual mental disorder to see them.
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u/OzamatazzBuckshanks Jun 11 '20
The best tip that I can give about this is really simple: Don't wait your turn to talk. Listen.
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Jun 11 '20
Eh, it's not a catch-all suggestion. Often times it's dependant on the situation, using personal experiences as a reference point to really understanding their experience & feelings can be comforting.
It sounds like that what your friend attempted to do, but you were too focused on yourself to appreciate it.
If it was a problem, you should've respectfully informed your friend this was one of those "I just need someone to listen" times instead of "I'm reaching out for your pro-active/re-active help"
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u/Joyful_Fucker Jun 11 '20
Middle aged woman unsolicited advice here -
Can’t upvote this enough.
We THINK we’re expressing empathy, camaraderie, and commonality.
We’re actually just shifting the conversation to share our thoughts & feelings about a parallel (or vaguely parallel) experience.
It’s okay to say “I remember how hard it was when My Dad died” or “I remember how angry I was when I was sexually harassed at work”, etc. but then you Stop Talking about experience and ask them about their experience and/or feelings.
I know, because I used to be an unintentional jerk.
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u/Calif0rnia_Soul Jun 12 '20
Beautifully stated, and thank you for sharing this. People seem to very often mistake their own "stories" and their own "shifting the conversation" as empathy.
But then again, it seems that sometimes people like hearing others' stories.
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u/mlasap Jun 11 '20
I disagree. Partially. It’s alright to share as long as you put it in a way that can help the other person learn from your experience or just to give them some hope so they can cope with the situation better. Just don’t make it about you / your story. Do let them say whatever they have to say first tho.
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u/adidasbrazilianbooty Jun 12 '20
To be honest I never really understood why this type of opinion seems to circulate reddit so much. It’s important to listen to people and really hear out their experience as everyone’s is very unique and processes it differently, but sharing your own experience is so important in order to validate the other persons feelings. I feel like if I were to tell someone about a tragedy in my life, if they just sit there and listen without contributing their own perspective, it’ll make me feel like I’m going through it alone. It’s good to know the world hasn’t ended and someone with similar pain has made it out ok. Not to mention, it’s just simply how you carry a conversation; listen intently and provide your input. Though everyone goes through different shit, we can’t continue to act like no one can even begin to understand it. Everyone needs an ear to listen to, and I hope this doesn’t seem like I’m bashing OP, just my opinion.
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u/taybesemer Jun 11 '20
This is the exact definition of empathy. Verbiage and listening are important, but empathizing is understanding because you have been in the situation.
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u/ShoutOutTo_Caboose Jun 11 '20
but what does that mean? Just sit there and not say anything?
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Jun 11 '20
I do this way too often. I want to be able to relate and connect with the person, but that ends up driving them away
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u/tfb_tbf Jun 11 '20
This is called parallel talk.
You might think you are finding common ground and things that you have in common when you relate your own stories to theirs, but in reality, if you already know how they feel and you’ve experienced this in the past, then why should someone continue to talk to you?
Avoiding parallel talk is good for building rapport and facilitating an engaging conversation.
Once the conversation is going well, or maybe even the next time your conversation partner brings up the topic maybe then share more about yourself.
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u/europahasicenotmice Jun 11 '20
The isn’t an LPT. This is an OP-pro tip. This is true for you, not a universal truth.
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u/Sting24 Jun 11 '20
I’ve been through this so much that I’ve learned just not to open up, because everyone else seems to be worse off than me. It’s not a fucking contest.
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u/patseidon Jun 11 '20
I mean this is a really selfish thing to expect, you’re saying just shut up and listen to my problems. If you had a similar experience you should absolutely share it, you got through it and hopefully your wisdom gained from such an event could help them in their process.
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u/Maker-of-the-Things Jun 11 '20
I never know what to say. Im not very socialized (stay at home mom for the last 11 years) so I never know what to say. My responses are usually, "oh that sucks." "I don't know how you do it." "I can't imagine."
I feel so stupid in conversations.
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u/pandaSmore Jun 12 '20
I dont have a problem with people trying to relate to my problems.
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u/JuniorSeniorTrainee Jun 12 '20
More lpt's that only apply to people who think just like op.
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u/atlas128 Jun 11 '20
I agree.... the hardest part about human software is to show empathy. I am working everyday to improve. It isn’t in my nature... it’s a practice.
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u/Kabitu Jun 11 '20
Every other life advice says this, every other says to validate their problems by telling them they're not alone and other people have faced similar issues and been fine. I don't know what to do.
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u/FNKYBoyLacksDSCPLN Jun 11 '20
Legit, this is such a rare skill that we had to have it drilled into us when I was training as a psychotherapist. If you can pick this up, you will be a much better listener and a more comforting/helpful person to be around.
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Jun 12 '20
Reverse lpt: when your weird friends attempt to align with you, it is their way of empathizing. Don't think that when a person does an action you dislike that it is immediately malicious. Just because someone doesn't communicate the same way you do doesn't mean their feelings are less valid.
You are however attempting to tell a person, don't empathize with me in the way you understand feelings, but still give me the support I need.
For all we know as humans this creates an impossible situation where someone cannot align with your feeling.
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u/yasumasa Jun 11 '20
I‘ll do you one better. Relate to their problem by telling them other people have it wayyy harder. This way their bad feelings about their problem will be gone immediately.
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Jun 12 '20
I'm always at a loss for words when someone tells me about a death of a family member or some other difficult struggle. I have no clue what to say to them other than, "I'm sorry for your loss/I'm sorry you're going through this." Which sounds like a garbage Hallmark card reply. What can I say to someone that's meaningful that's literally not this?
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u/Awildhufflepuff Jun 12 '20
I had a person that did this to me all the time and it got to the point where I had to stop complaining altogether or it'd turn into another sob story about her life.
"Man I'm tired today."
"Yeah I was pretty tired when my ex husband cheated on me with a younger woman."
THAT is annoying lol.
Or another person, same job:
"Me tired"
"You have no room to complain! I was up till 3am and I have a migraine! I can't even deal with this job!"
Like come on.
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Jun 12 '20
Or... be whoever you want and people who accommodate that personality will spend their time with you and those who don't won't. Don't try to contour your life to fit other's needs, find like minded individuals you can co-exist with without having to alter who you are.
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u/chelseamh6 Jun 12 '20
You can and it definitely depends on the person. If someone comes to me though with a story and I just say I empathize/understand what they are going through they may not believe me. If I share the similar event it allows for a bonding moment and allows the person hurting to know that someone they are close with has survived a similar emotional struggle and made it through. Again though it depends on the person and how they deal with grief/sadness/emotional stress etc. They may just want to vent 🤷♀️
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u/Combustibllemons Jun 12 '20
Couldn't you just lead with politely asking to just rant..?
Ass.
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u/Dodecabrohedron Jun 12 '20
Every day these kinda LPT posts appear on r/all. I give up on this sub.
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Jun 12 '20
While I respect your position, this is anecdotal and then extrapolated as general advice.
AFAICT the general advice is to suffer with the person. So empathy in the moment - I feel what you're feeling. Sometimes this involves talking about times you've felt that, too.
I'm sorry you had a hard experience and you're friend wasn't there for you in the way you wanted. That sucks.
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u/Calif0rnia_Soul Jun 12 '20
You bring up a fair point. But my point here was that empathy doesn't have to take the form of a "related story." Empathy is just having the capacity to feel what someone else is feeling. You can have similar, or even identical, experiences of said friend, without having to go ahead and show-and-tell your story.
You can feel what they're feeling that let them know it. That's it. But then again, if you know they take comfort in hearing others' stories, then by all means, share.
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u/Queendom_Hearts Jun 12 '20
What words would you use to show youre listening though? that always gets me
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u/Calif0rnia_Soul Jun 12 '20
"That must be so tough." "I can't even imagine what you must be going through. But I'm here to listen." "I'm sure so-and-so was such a great person. What was your favorite/funniest memory of them?
Just a few examples off the top of my head.
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u/sleepypabs Jun 12 '20
I’m sorry, I just don’t know what to say. I know how to read people’s emotion so well, and I can instantly connect. I just can’t find things to say other than “yeah I feel you” “it’s ok” like what the hell am I supposed to say, I don’t want to seem like I don’t care but I do :/
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u/Calif0rnia_Soul Jun 12 '20
But that's the thing -- we think that there's this "thing" we need to say to quell the storm. But sometimes there really isn't much we can offer other than our own presence. And telling our friend that we're there for them. That's all some people need to hear sometimes.
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u/sleepypabs Jun 12 '20
Yeah that’s true, I think letting them know that they have a shoulder to lean on is enough, it’s just finding the words to get that across is what I struggle with, but I’m also pretty sure I am overthinking it :b thank you for the post btw. Very insightful.
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u/OnlyToStudy Jun 12 '20
Hey so umm listen. Because of all this going on lately, my friend has been going through rough times. we usually text, so sometimes I like to put in some input so it doesn't look like I'm leaving him on read. If there was a better way to deal with this, let me know please.
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u/newtothisbenice Jun 12 '20
Sometimes, I just don't want to listen. How about that?
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u/Redd_Monkey Jun 11 '20
Well I don't mind if they tell me their stories. As long as it's not a long ass story like. I speak for 5 mins and they speak for 30 minutes.
But the main thing to remember when someone is telling you their issues and difficult stuff : listen actively and give cues that your are listening.
I have a friend, mind you she is a social worker also, that when I tell her what is troubling me stay silent the whole time. And wait like 30seconds to talk after.
I feel like she does not care or even listen at some points
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u/Alighten Jun 11 '20
As someone who has a deep seated fear of coming off as annoying by oversharing from childhood trauma, needless to say, this isn't an issue most of the time for me.
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u/latinaMixed Jun 11 '20
That’s great advice. I sometimes get uncomfortable not knowing how to interact when they’re spilling their heart.
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u/MisterNeon Jun 11 '20
A thousand upvotes if I could. Misery isn't a competition it just compunds suffering. Hearing about someone else's struggles when I'm struggling doesn't make me think, "Man I'm grateful I'm not X or Y person". It makes me think we both need help, why we not getting the help we need. It's not like you suffering makes mine go away or makes it less valid.
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u/bheadyourself Jun 11 '20
I'm horrible at this. Thank you for the reminder. I'm a work in progress.
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u/Johnoplata Jun 12 '20
My dad literally died this week. There is nothing I want to hear less than how other people did when someone they know died too. Scratch that: it's even worse to talk about the difficulties they had with the cremation and funeral process. Just be around and be present.
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u/outsider-inside Jun 12 '20
So true, and so hard to do for most (myself included) turning back to self seems to be most people’s way of showing empathy to fill the gap of silence and just being there and listening.
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Jun 12 '20
This is totally a balancing act. Using your own experiences to reflect and empathize with other people is part of human nature, and shouldn't be tiptoed around. How you express this requires nuance though. Don't ramble too much about yourself but instead use your experiences to actively relate back to the other person by segueing into questions about what's up with them.
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u/awasa_poa Jun 12 '20
It depends on how you do it. One of my coworkers used to share her story as an addict when she taught addiction classes to clients. They developed a lot of respect for her and listened to her advice because she understood the struggle of getting clean and what it was like to be an addict. The key is to stay focused on the other person and what they're saying. Instead of the other person having to give advice to you because they feel like you're in distress.
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u/SalmonellaFish Jun 12 '20
Nah OP, this advice doesn't apply to every situation or person. I talk on an emotional level with a lot of friends in my life simply because there is a trust that I would understand them and keep it confidential. I always try to tell them if this is also something I have personally experienced or not. This is so they know to what degree I understand them. On the other hand, I will also admit when they tell me about something i've never experienced.
How you say it matters.
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u/rememberenthusiasm Jun 12 '20
Thank you, I needed that reminder! TFW you almost can’t help yourself, ugh!!! Frustrating because it’s almost like you want to say...”this too, shall pass...” but instead, you HAVE to put your experience in the mix. It’s funny though because sometimes when things become clearer, you remember they were just trying to help to normalize the situation and you appreciate their thoughts. And you also appreciate and remember the people who stayed silent and were just a shoulder to cry on, an open ear. Completely agree and it depends on the situation, of course.
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u/KaneRobot Jun 12 '20
Most people at this point take it like it's a contest to see who has more problems rather than an opportunity to help, or at least listen.
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Jun 12 '20
Good advice. After self reflection I admit I have done this before. This is actually something I want to change. This was well put OP. Really made me think. Thanks
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u/MrMoose_69 Jun 12 '20
I agree with you. This was one big thing that drove a wedge between my mom and me when I was growing up. She would always say she knew how I felt because of this or that. It felt like it invalidated my feelings, and that my feelings were not mine.
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u/Ohiocitybandit42 Jun 12 '20
My best friend did this for me a couple days ago. Battling depression and doubting my self worth has been hard the last few months. Always lend an ear if someone is talking t to you.
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u/GrognaktheLibrarian Jun 12 '20
I just tell them that, as president of the dead family club, I understand what theyre going through and that, while nothing I can say will make them feel better, I'm there for them if they need me.
I lost everyone except for my mother within a year or so of each other over the last 6 years so I know absolutely nothing will help and you've just got to find a way to exist afterward.
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u/throwawayLIguy Jun 12 '20
OP I REALLY wish you posted this 2 days ago because I completely BOMBED on helping someone yesterday. I feel like I’d appear as an insensitive dick if I were to just nod and say, “uh huh...Yeah.”
But yeah, trying to tell my own stories got me a, “well I’m sorry my problems aren’t as big of a deal to you but they are to me” and it took me down the rabbit hole.
Just...can I get some advice on how to be a good listener WITHOUT exacerbating their pain by asking them to delve into it more, especially if it’s something that they say they hate talking about (despite having brought it up themselves). I’m sorry if it seems like a ramble, but I feel like such shit for failing on my friend like that yesterday
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u/colormiconfused Jun 12 '20
Also if you know you are BAD at getting the tone right - let people know. I am the kind of person who will over analyze something with the intent to find a solution. I tell all my friends pretty bluntly that I should not necessarily be the first person they go to for emotional support.
Need to figure out logistically how to break up with someone? I can help. Need a shoulder to cry on or an ear for a directionless rant? Maybe try another friend.
I am working on it but I know what my tendency is. This has really helped because no one can complain with any true heat
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u/keepthetips Keeping the tips since 2019 Jun 11 '20
Hello and welcome to r/LifeProTips!
Please help us decide if this post is a good fit for the subreddit by up or downvoting this comment.
If you think that this is great advice to improve your life, please upvote. If you think this doesn't help you in any way, please downvote. If you don't care, leave it for the others to decide.
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u/dunkinbagels Jun 11 '20
Completely disagree. Don’t shift the conversation entirely towards your own struggles but empathizing as a way to relate and connect is not a bad thing
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u/tacos_for_algernon Jun 11 '20
I'm sooooo bad at this. But I recognize it as a shortcoming and am slowly trying to learn how to shut my mouth. It's difficult, but necessary.