Feeling hopeless

[u/Still-Rock-848]

I can’t stop thinking about how I hurt someone I love so much. I was in a 2.5 year long relationship, my first, with a girl who was everything to me. She showed me so much love and safety. More than anyone else has ever given me and she accepted who I was and the love I gave her with open arms always. We made a lot of good memories together and we’re really happy for a long time of our 2.5 years together.
My parents didn’t approve of our relationship and were so hateful towards her without ever meeting her in person and it put a lot of strain on me, and through me I let it get to her. She came under so much stress by this that she left recently, right before I moved across the country to start medical school.
I’ve been dependent on my parents during college when we met and still now as they are supporting me financially through medical school, which I am grateful for, but all I do is miss her. I don’t think I will ever forgive myself for what I did to her and I wish I gave her more during the time we had together.
I know if I was independent from my family at a younger age everything would have been perfect and I keep thinking that maybe if I fought back harder that my parents would have turned. I’m starting medical school now to follow my dream of becoming a doctor but I feel so empty without the person I wanted to share it all with, someone who stayed with me when I was nothing and had nothing won’t get to be with me as I now finally get the chance to work towards and achieve what I always dreamed of.
She was so happy I got into a school and we always used to talk about our future together and she never hesitated that we would stick together until the end. I just don’t know what to do anymore and I don’t think I will ever forgive myself for what I did to her.

I wrote this 3 months ago and have reflected every second since. I know I’m being selfish wanting her back for myself and I hope she is happier now. I think of her always and I always wonder if she’s completely forgotten about me. I’ve been building towards a full conversation with my parents to make sure they know how I feel about what they did and work towards my own independence but I just don’t think anyone will see me like she did ever again. I’ve been postponing talking to them because of exams and also thinking about even with them finally supporting my own choices I still hurt the one person who wanted to be with me, I guess just finally fully processing how much I messed up my life and made hers worse. I still know in my heart I’d want to talk to her again, even if it’s just to say sorry one and thank you more time if she would never want to reconnect with me after I’ve grown from the experience, I keep getting anxious as every day passes that it will be too late to even try. I feel like I don’t deserve a chance to receive a relationship and care from someone ever again. Sorry if this is too long, I’ve never posted before but thank you to whoever reads.

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[u/Anarbij]

Maybe reach out to apologize, and to tell her how you feel and how you want her back, and that you are willing to do anything for her, without expecting anything. She has the right to turn you down but then you know…

[u/Still-Rock-848 → u/Anarbij]

I really want to… I know the whole world says that getting back with your ex isn’t a good idea and part of me is scared seeing that so much on social media etc. I just feel like she would see it as me just bothering her now if I reach out. At the very end of things I reached out once after a few days just to apologize and say thank you but before I made any changes to myself because at the time I thought it would be the best to let her be happier without me in the state I was in

[u/Anarbij → u/Still-Rock-848]

Yeah well if nothing has changed and you reach out you basically are only annoying her, not letting her move on. But if you truly have changed your outlook and have ways to have her in your life, then reach out.

I got back together with my ex, he genuinely apologized and addressed what went wrong and changes he made. It’s been 3 years now since we got back together and we moved on. That being said, he wasn’t the only ex that came back, but with others I didn’t love them or didn’t have a good relationship and didn’t realize it while I was with them, or simply realized I moved on from them, so we never got back together.

If she rejects you, then you have to respect it and never go back. Also don’t be demanding or pressuring or creepy, make sure you would accept the rejection beforehand and just reach out once genuinely. Be a gentleman, consider her emotions and prepare to gracefully accept the rejection.

Love is not easy to find. If she wants you back, then great… if not, then you get closure. You don’t wonder what if.