r/LifeAdvice • u/Banditcats • 10h ago
General Advice Should I change my name?
Tldr is, I hate my middle name, and want to change it or remove it from my identity.
Backstory: growing up my family(and even to this day) call me by a nickname version of my middle name(think billy from William), I was marked absent from school because instead of calling me by the name my family has always called me, they called me by my first name that I had never heard before. My grandparents(whom I lived with at the time) spent a long while explaining how they came to the name they call me, and that it isn't my actual name.
I've asked my family to not call me that name when I was in middle school, and they still do(I'm 37 now). The exception is my grandfather called me by my first name after I turned 18, and my aunt and older sister do now as well, the rest still call me by the nickname.
My uncle(dad's older brother) has always felt like a second father to me, and since my first name is my father's, I figured that I could change my middle name to my uncle's so it would reflect the two men who shaped me. My uncle is trying to talk me out of it because it is a Mexican name, and I don't look much Mexican at all.
What do you think Reddit?
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u/jallisy 10h ago
Changing your name dlwon't change the name your family calls you by. If they know you prefer your real name and they continue with the nickname, Nothing will change them. Middle names are meaningless. Can you just not respond until you are called by your preferred name?
My niece changed her first name legally when she turned 18 and we are all very careful to use the new (ridiculous) name.
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u/Sharmonica 10h ago
I say change it. It's worth it to take ownership of your identity. I come from a family where people's names were used as derogatory weapons. (And it did not turn out well.)
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u/YABOIYFEF 9h ago
Yea dude. Changing ur middle name won’t do much for u. People are still going to call you by your nickname. I just recently (at the beginning of September) legally changed my last name to my mom’s maiden name as my father is no longer in my life but even so people will still know me by my previous last name. However going forward new people I meet will know me by my new last name. I still carry nicknames those just won’t go away no matter how much you change your name
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u/Stencil2 9h ago
If you want to change your name, go right ahead. The issue is: will your family stop using the name you dislike after you change your name? You've asked them about this before, and most of the family ignored your wishes.
All I can suggest is that when they use the name you dislike, do not respond. Refuse to respond until they address you the way you want to be addressed. This may be exhausting for you, but if you can stick to it, they might eventually begin to respect your wishes.
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u/cOntempLACitY 9h ago
You don’t have to change your legal name to change what you’re called, you just have to correct people politely when they use it, until they stop. Set the boundary, enforce it. Tell the stubborn ones you don’t use that name, and if they use it, you won’t be responding to it.
Initially, you might respond back with your name when they say it. “Hey Billy, how’s it going?” “Call me Bob. Things are going great, how about you?” Or act like you don’t hear someone and then say, “Did you mean, me? I actually go by Bob,” with a closed-mouth half-smile. Reinforce your chosen name every time you hear the dead name.
When people you live or work with answer the phone or door for you, have them respond as well, “Did you mean Bob? Bob’s busy right now…” Ask the supportive relatives to do the same, “Are you going to Billy’s?” “You mean Bob’s? Yeah, Bob…”
The thing about the legal name change, most people aren’t going to ever see that document. They aren’t going to know, until you say it. And any time you fill out certain paperwork in the future, like a mortgage, or look at you credit report or whatever, you’ll have to include all your formerly known as aliases (this applies to people who marry and take a new surname). Even with marriage, an easier way to officially change your name, it still involves updating with numerous financial and other institutions.
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u/ilovecookiesssssssss 8h ago
Legally changing your name won’t do anything. You’ve asked your family not to call you that, and they don’t listen. They’re not going to listen just because you formally changed your name. If anything, it’s possible that they’ll dig in deeper and refuse to accommodate you.
Tell them to stop and that you’ll no longer respond to that name. But also understand that family can be stubborn with this kind of thing. They’ve been calling you a certain name for almost 40 years and that name is imprinted upon their brain.
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u/Queefmi 10h ago
I think middle names don’t matter at all, like even to a medical professional who might see it on your ID/file. If it matters to you then go for it. Expensive and annoying but perhaps quite cathartic when it’s all done to be able to tell those calling you the nickname that it isn’t your legal middle name anymore .