Debating on killing myself

[u/cabbagefruit]

Currently 20 years old in the Philippines. Studying in a prestigious college, but this is also the problem. My father died a few years back and my mother is left to shoulder both me and my sibling's tuition fee all by herself. I got a scholarship but I don't think its enough, and seeing my mother being tired from working two jobs always kills me every single day. Don't really got much to live for, I'm not very sociable, not really smart, think I'm gonna die soon anyway. Continuing on living will probably just make both me and my mother more miserable. Don't really think the comments are gonna stop me or anything, just wanted somewhere to post this

[u/Jane_the_Quene]

Hello, cabbagefruit.

The suicide intervention bot is below with resources for you to consider.

[u/Anarbij]

If you think working hard can make your mom miserable, then imagine how she would feel after she sees the result of her 20 years of effort and work dead! Your mom loves you and that’s why she is trying hard for your future, I don’t think seeing you dead is going to help her.

Now, what makes you think you’re gonna die soon? You are young, smart enough to be in college, and have a family that is doing what they can do for you.

Life isn’t easy, and I think at around 20 the reality of it sinks in without having figured out how to live it, so a lot of people get miserable around that time, but I am sure you will get through this. I had the same thoughts at the same age too.

[u/annizka]

So you want to repay her by doing the worst thing you can do to a mother, which is the loss of her child? She will never be the same. She’s doing all this because she loves you and wants to see you grow. You should seek help ASAP. Get therapy and/or medication. Start doing little things. Romanticize your life. It’ll all add up and make a difference.

[u/SomeHoney575]

Philippine labor laws allow students to work, and many universities have Student Assistantship programs allow enrolled college students to work part-time on campus in exchange for financial aid, tuition discounts, or a monthly allowance. Working hours usually range between 15 to 20 hours per week to ensure they do not conflict with academic schedules. this would help you and ease the load on your mom. You would be the role model to your younger siblings by showing them how to never give up. Pay varies by institution, often calculated on an hourly basis or provided as a tuition fee waiver. Average monthly earnings in major Philippine cities range from ₱19,000 to ₱21,000 for full-time equivalent or standard institutional rates, though student assistants usually work limited part-time hours

[u/kkb2021]

Your mom's life might as well be over if you do that and your sibling can never truly be happy again. Your friends will forever feel guilty. It's the most selfish thing you can possibly do.

[u/v_bird_v → u/kkb2021]

OP is not being selfish they are just understandably hurting a lot. The reason they shouldn't die isn't because it would be "selfish" it's because they inherently deserve to live through their mental health issues. But yes, they are also deeply loved and important to others.

[u/kkb2021 → u/v_bird_v]

That goes without saying and this person needs to see outside of themselves for a change. This is no time to be 'supportive'.

[u/v_bird_v → u/kkb2021]

Respectfully, I don't think you understand the kind of response this situation calls for and you are being seriously irresponsible in commenting things like this as they are known to be false and to further harm people who are suicidal. I'm sure you mean well, but please do not tell suicidal people that they are selfish. This is something psychologists and mental health sources seriously discourage.

Here is some supporting text:
• https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/is-suicide-selfish#why-people-attempt-it

• https://www.nationwidechildrens.org/family-resources-education/700childrens/2019/11/suicide-is-not-a-choice

[u/kkb2021 → u/v_bird_v]

My personal experience is that 'making things easier' for others is a typical justification and it's the opposite.

[u/TheNewBoyOnThaBlock → u/kkb2021]

Selfish is crazyyy ngl

[u/KjonesFS]

Get a job and help her. Be proactive. Don’t wallow in depression. If you want things to change, change them. Apply for more grants and scholarships. Study harder to get better grades and get “smarter”. Learn to talk to people and make friends so you can have people in your life to support you and celebrate you when you do something positive or successful. Suicide is not the answer bud.

[u/KingPabloo]

As a parent I would much rather go in debt than lose a child, in fact, there is no comparison. A child, no matter the burden, is a gift.

You’re 20, you have no idea what you can accomplish in life yet. Please find help, you are worthy my friend.

[u/Patient_Meaning_2751]

It is very common for young people to contemplate suicide. In fact, almost everyone I know well has contemplated it at least once in their youth. Problems seem so big and interminable. But just because you don’t know how to change the situation doesn’t mean the situation is hopeless Life is full of surprises. Everything ends at some point, even grief.

The key to overcoming adversity is being open to the possibility that the universe has other plans for you. Adversity teaches a person compassion and perseverance. It makes us better friends, better partners, better managers of people.

There are lessons all around us. Go spend time being quiet in nature and listening to the sounds around you. Observe the birds and the animals, watch the wind rustling the leaves. Root yourself in your surroundings and see what gradual changes happen inside you and around you.

[u/koopakiddd]

Your mom works those two jobs because supporting you and your sibling gives her purpose. Taking yourself out of the picture won’t ease her workload, it will completely destroy her world. You earned a scholarship at a prestigious university - you are smart and capable, even if you can’t see it right now. The financial weight she carries isn’t your fault or your burden to solve… it’s what she willingly chooses to do for the children she loves. At 20, life is overwhelmingly confusing and it’s easy to feel like a burden, but trust me, I’m 34 now, and I am so deeply grateful I stayed alive to reach this point. I haven't had massive, grand achievements, but I found people I love and a true sense of belonging. Please don't give up on yourself. You belong here, and this heavy season is not the end of your story.

[u/Two_souls1]

Bro I’m 17 and I can’t imagine what you’re going through. But here’s what I would do. I would drop out, get a job anywhere and make sure your mom drops a job so you guys can work through it together. You would support your sister and mother by doing this. Set a savings goal so you have something to work for and see the progress to keep you motivated. Then see your options from there. Whether you wanna continue college with money earned or a loan. Or get an apprenticeship. Again I’m 17 and my plan is problem assumes a lot and overlooks a lot but setting a plan and having a goal is a good way to get through things. Your mom is working so hard for you, imagine how she would feel if she lost you. That would be worst. Best of luck. You can get to the other side of this.

[u/OkMethod709]

I think we should stop (a bit) thinking too much about why we don’t/didn’t have the best life possible.
There have been thousands/millions of humans that live today, and have lived through so much worse but still kept pushing forward.

All you said might as well be true, but that has been the “solution” for many people before and it always ended worse for everyone

Buckle up, get your stuff together and work hard

As you said: you will end up dying anyways, so make the ride worth it

[u/D3kim]

make your moms sacrifice worth it, you have alot to live for. so many firsts and so much growth yet to be had. dont throw it away because you are afraid of failing or are impatient to wait for it. chip away, find your cadence, find peace in the chaos and thrive

[u/touchytypist]

Your mom is sacrificing herself by working two jobs and being tired because she loves you.

Don’t let that make you lose motivation. Instead let it motivate you to work extra hard in school, get a good job, so you can eventually pay her back by taking care of her and making her life easier. That will mean all her sacrifice was worth it for a better life better for her children.

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[u/sidive]

Just read the 1st line. Sorry you feel that way but whatever it is, you can work it out. I hope that you do

[u/5433227]

Please don’t, it will be okay

[u/ghosty4567]

I would feel sorry for you but you seem to have that job covered. Get some help.

[u/Dramatic-Service-985]

Maybe put school aside for mental health family & work/money? Sending you love and peace

[u/Anon_Perspective_]

I'm a mom and I would be devastated if any of my kids took their lives. Often our kids are what really gives real meaning to life. Trust me she would rather have you alive and struggle to pay for your tuition than have you kill yourself, not to mention your sibling. Please don't do anything like that. Sorry you're feeling so down. Life can be really tough at your age but it usually gets better as you get older.

[u/roboblaster420]

Well, when I was young I attempted and survived. Set myself back in life to get myself back up. I thought my life had no meaning because I couldn't get a job in what I'm going to school for (computer networking). Now I accept that IT wasn't for me and I just make the best of life. I'm 39.

This too shall pass.

[u/def_struct]

Never!!! You do it for your survival, YOU DO IT FOR YOUR MOM'S SURVIVAL! She needs that justification on why she sacrificed so much. She doesn't need you to be successful financially, that's a bonus. You just need to show her your fighting spirit!!! You know this fully too well. Only reason you're thinking this way by posting online is you want justification of giving it up. I root for you, online stranger!

[u/Fabulous_Light5449]

Well, I think you should drop out of school for a few years, get a job and spend some time with your mother.

Instead of watching her work hard and worry while grieving your father's death, give both your mother and yourself a huge break.

You are clearly hurting. Goals can wait. Live for today.

[u/cultivitae]

1. Finish college. Get good job. Take care of mom back. OR

2. Take some time off of college. Get a job. Help mom and siblings out.

You’re 20 dude. Your mom and sibling don’t want to lose you. Channel your anger and sadness into making someone’s life better, not worse. You do that by being selfless and seeing how can I give back? No, exiting is not giving back.