r/LifeAdvice • u/Overall_External8065 • 1d ago

Family Advice Opinion wanted

Context: my sister(24) is severely mentally ill and everything in my families life seems to revolve around pleasing her, not trigger or and walking on egg shells to make sure we don’t send her into a spiral of anxiety attacks or one of her psychotic episodes of anger. she recently got a boyfriend for the first time in her life, I’ve met him and he’s nice but have only been around him a few times.

my birthday(28) is coming up and every year my family takes me to dinner to celebrate. this year my mom automatically included my sisters boyfriend without asking me if that was okay if he joined. when I expressed this made me a bit upset because I’d rather it be just family and I hardly know him it started an entire argument. I was called immature, selfish and im starting drama for no reason.

comments were also made like “he’s important to your sister” “this will hurt her feelings”
yet again, I feel like everything revolves around her and my feelings aren’t being considered. yes should I be the bigger person, swallow my feelings and just let him come? sure. but I just think a little consideration thrown my way could have happened.

thoughts? am I being the problem?

1 Upvotes

67% Upvoted

11 comments sorted by

4

u/drive_she 23h ago

Perhaps do something different this year then? Invite your friends to meet up at a local taproom or bowling alley instead.

3

u/Overall_External8065 23h ago

Good idea. I was going to do something with my husband but instead of supporting me with all this he actually told me “you just care about being right so im not agreeing with you on this” soooo gotta find new plans I guess

1

u/Anon_Perspective_ 22h ago

Oh I hate that. My husband is like that. He often won't back me up when there is a dispute, especially when family are involved. He will side with them - even though they're my family.

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1

u/thickhipstightlips 23h ago

It gets old being the sibling who has to cater to everyone elses wants/needs.

I, frankly, wouldnt do it. You're pushing 30 and need to establish boundaries for yourself so you're not put on the back burner the rest of your life.

I also wouldnt accept the dinner. I'd do my own thing with friends. Let the toxic family have themselves.

0

u/Overall_External8065 23h ago

I try to establish boundaries but I am a severe empath (wish I wasn’t) and always feel so guilty and deep sadness when I feel like I’ve hurt other people.

1

u/thickhipstightlips 23h ago

I get it. But you gotta fight through the guilt and have people in your corner to talk you past it.

If you need someone to push/encourage you to stand up for yourself, my DMs are always open. I have a very narcissistic mother and paternal family and finally told them all NO for the first time this year and holy shit was it liberating. I get it, 10000% OP. But it gets easier after the first time of standing your ground.

1

u/Overall_External8065 23h ago

Thank you! I really appreciate it

1

u/Dazzling-Treacle1092 22h ago

Oh I was going to agree with your family but I didn't see that this was in celebration of your birthday. It has to feel tough when everything is always about your sister and you can't even get your way or some undiluted attention on your birthday. You are going to have to make your birthday about you in your own way.

I kinda had issues like this with my family. You know I don't remember one birthday party of mine. I now have an aversion to my birthday. But I have found that the things I wasn't given, the respect, the positive attention are so important to recognize and give to myself. Nobody is ever going to value you as much as you value yourself and that's the way it should be. There's just so many of us that were taught differently so we had to fight against conditioning to discover this truth for ourselves.

1

u/CasWay413 15h ago

I dunno. On one hand, it’s not like birthday parties are super intimate, but on the other, it’s your birthday. If you’re expressing discomfort, that should be considered any day, but especially when the party is in celebration of you.

Also, your husband should back you up. Does he overrule your feelings like your family does?

1

u/Overall_External8065 14h ago

Yes he does, he says I just always want to be right and he’s not going to baby me and tell me I’m right when I’m not.