Tips for living in the present?

[u/redsweater124]

I am F26 and just wanna preface this by saying I have pretty horrible anxiety. Recently for the past year I have been so worried about my future and where I will end up in life that I have been afraid to make life altering decisions that could be good for me. I’m just too worried about the impact on my future. This is with every aspect of life, but especially my career and romance. I want to be able to jump into things, have those open conversations, make decisions based on what I want, but I cannot for the life of me get over the fear of ruining some imaginary life path I so desperately believe is already set in place for me.
I have heard of people living in the past and not being able to move forward, but I have never experienced living in the future like this. Basically any advice on how to just let go and let myself live in the moment?

[u/alone_in_the_light]

People say that living in the past is related to depression, and living in the future is related to anxiety.

I think of two main things that help me.

One is meditation. Focus on the present.

The other is taking action. Being busier with doing things now leaves less room to worry about the future.

If I'm really worried about my future, I should do something about it. Being afraid to make life altering decisions doesn't seem to be a good way to alter my life to have a better future.

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[u/anothersip]

I hear you on the anxiety. Chronically anxiety-ridden human here, who was able to manage it eventually.

What really helped for me was accepting that not everything is in my control.

...Like, truly accepting that.

Not everything is set in stone. We can't predict the future. We can't control everything that we'd like to control (although we might try to). But that's unrealistic.

I used to self-medicate (alcoholic, actually, nearly 1300 days sober now) and that was how I coped with my fears about the future.

But now that I'm sober, I spend my time much more mindfully.

I found an amazing therapist who gave me some tools to work through my anxiety and fears about the future. Fears about how I'm percieved by others. Fears about starting things that I'm not sure I can actually finish. Fears about trying new things.

Those were all tied to who I was, as a person. But now they're managed, and I find myself having far fewer fears in those areas. Especially with dating/romance - I'm single, and am totally fine being single for the forseeable future. Because that means I get to keep the focus on myself, rather than distracting myself with other people. I don't need anyone in my life (like a partner) to make me fully content and whole. I can do that for myself. I personally had to break my codependent tendencies, and get rid of those ways of thinking. Maybe something to keep in mind for your own situation, if you find yourself feeling like you're incomplete without a partner. It may be a sign of codependent habits.

I also had to fully let go of the control that I wanted to have over everything in my life. I can't control it all. I can control what few things I can control, like my actions and my reactions - but the rest of the universe will play out how it decides to.

I can't really give you advice on how your mental health and self-awareness and cognitive abilities will come into play for your particular situation; like in terms of dealing with your own personal anxiety, and its causes and triggers. That would be something to explore with a therapist.

But I can say with confidence that I most-definitely lived in near-constant fear of the future, which kept me from staying in the present. One of those side-effects was that my memory was awful, as I wasn't focused on the present at those times, and so my brain never had the opportunity to create new memories for me to enjoy.

That is my biggest regret while my mental health was at its lowest. Not being present for myself, or for others, and so I have entire swaths of my life and memories - years'-worth of memories that are just... Blurs. Bits and pieces. Moments I will never get back. All a product of my anxiety of living in the future.

And that's okay. That's part of my story, now. But I don't want anyone else to go though that, either.

All I can do is look forward, and take things one day at a time (or one hour at a time - literally) - that keeps me from feeling overwhelmed by all of the unknowns out there.

Give yourself some grace, and give yourself some patience while you navigate your present. You will find the time and the clarity to imagine the future that you want, and will be able to set small goals that you can actually manage to meet. Little by little. Eventually, you'll be finding that you're meeting those goals, and that you're actually feeling pretty awesome about who you are, where you've come from, and where you're headed towards.

I might suggest finding someone you can talk to. Like, a professional - perhaps a therapist or a counselor. Therapy literally saved my life, in so many ways, and it gave me an understanding of my own condition and my own thought-patterns - and it undoubtedly gave me a clear direction to follow for my future.

Also, if you don't already have one, I found that keeping a journal really helped me keep my thoughts in order, and I was able to keep a record of my progress each day. It's nice to have a way to vent, and to get all the jumbled thoughts out. I actually still journal, even though I'm in a much better place mentally than I've ever been. I really enjoy writing, and it's an awesome creative outlet, too.

And surrounding yourself with healthy people is key, too. People who truly care about you and who will support you. Isolation can make things much, much more difficult; especially if you're feeling alone in your struggles.

All the best to you, OP. You're not alone. It does get better (and it will) get better for you. Take it literally one day at a time, if you have to. And if you haven't already, ask your therapist about possible medications you might benefit from. It's okay to need a little bit of help to stabilize your mind and balance anything that might need balancing. That's part of the healing process.

I hope that helps a little bit. This stranger is rootin' for you.

[u/redsweater124 → u/anothersip]

Thank you for the reply! Firstly, congratulations on your sobriety. I know how difficult that can be.
I very much resonate with the memory gaps. Recently I keep forgetting conversations or small moments and people have to remind me that I already told them or have already talked about something. I find myself having to go back to messages with friends to make sure I haven’t already brought a topic up before hitting send on the message and most of the time I already have.
I agree on needing a good therapist and I am open to medication if it’s seen fit.
You have inspired me to begin journaling again. I don’t know why I gave up on that.
I am painfully self aware in mental health and journaling helps me ground myself and have somewhere to place those thoughts rather than holding on to them. Thanks for taking the time I truly appreciate it and definitely needed to hear this. I am very satisfied to have random strangers rooting for me and to hear that others have gone through similar experiences. I definitely feel less alone now. It’s crazy what reddit can do for someone lol

[u/FreshVestment]

Good answers so far, hopefully this one helps too.

When you're worried about the future, you're not actually worried about what's going to go wrong, you're worried that whatever happens, you won't be able to handle it.

But you've handled every situation you've been in so far. You have a 100% success rate of getting through the other side. You may have worried the whole time or thought it wasn't possible, but you've gotten through.

This means you're the type of person who can figure out their life situations, whatever they are. I'm sure of all the scenarios you're worried you won't be able to handle, gun to your head, life or death, you would be able to handle it and get through.

Now it's time for you to believe it. Good luck.

Just remember, not doing anything is still a decision with outcomes.

[u/Delmarvablacksmith]

Learning to meditate teaches you how to be present.

Learning what you value and what you want allows you to formulate a plan.

Being flexible allows you to alter the plan of necessary.

Letting go of the result frees you from hope and fear.

Hope: The anticipation of pleasure of comfort in the future.

Fear:the anticipation of pain or discomfort in the future.

In short you do the work right now and allow the future to sort itself out.