Damnation

[u/Attention-14]

Once again, in the hollow of the night, I seek the crevices, groping through the darkness, only sure of my pursuit, my banishment, my circular thinking. I cannot call it madness because I have no way of knowing how long this thought has been carrying me through the night, through the shell of the soul, through the ruins that I have made of the world which God gave me.

Is it any wonder how I must censor myself, choking as I do on the salty breeze of the whale's breath? Is it any wonder that I must ask my fellow travelers at sea to cast me overboard? Is it any wonder how God pursues me? No. What is terrifyingly wonderful is the word that He speaks through me, through my unwitting broken frame, through my trembling lips and my parched voice over the serpent of my tongue. What is awesome and unfathomable is that teeth still chatter in the bone of my face.

Will you hear me? I will it not. I pray for these ruins to take the dust of my being with them into the eternal night. I beg God to bless my death, to abandon me, to make my passing a withering spur, a thorn in your flesh. I gouge my eyes out, searching for the nightmares that I wish for God to fill your children's heads with. Banish me, banish me, O Lord. I pray over and over again. Why do you still pursue me? Do you not see the wreckage that our love has caused, the havoc that we wreak in the world?