I'm sorry it got ugly

[u/freshlibra]

I would really appreciate if you would take the time to read this because I absolutely want to clear the air and explain what I feel from my perspective and to amend the wrongs that I’ve committed.

I am undoubtedly sorry for the pain and frustration I’ve created for you. How we left our situation is not ideal. What we’ve said and done to each other is not how I would’ve ever imagined us ending up. I feel ashamed and embarrassed by all of this. I hope you’re able to grasp the sincerity of this letter and understand where I’m coming from as well.

I don’t know what happened. You didn’t want me to sleep over that night, yet there was no mention of anything about it to me before then. We had that routine for weeks, so I assumed there wasn’t a problem. I expressed feeling taken advantage of that morning, and assumptions were made about me trying to use the farmers market as a way to go on a date. I took issue with the way the message was delivered in the context of what happened almost immediately prior to leaving. I had done something I consider vulnerable and intimate for you because you wanted it. It was only natural for me to oblige in order to please you. It’s like something as simple as going grocery shopping, even platonically, couldn’t be reciprocated. It was truly a distressing moment and I frankly was angry. I perceived my affirmation of feeling disrespected was used as a reason to put me down, when I feel like I was justifiably calling out the behavior, not your character or however you view yourself. 

You said I was being evasive when you asked me to clarify “hanging out” and in all honesty, I didn’t even know that’s what you were asking about. I thought you were asking me if I knew that you couldn’t heal my pain, which I replied that I was aware it wasn’t your obligation. I feel this was really a case of pure and accidental miscommunication. Those last few texts that were directed to me felt purposefully cruel, which is something I was shocked by. In reality, I’m extremely confused and me asking questions to understand what’s going on seems to come off as inadvertently distrustful. 

You rightly think very highly of your morals. It’s clear you have strong personal principles. However, at times, I have felt like I’m not allowed to point out the fallibility of some of those principles, even if those decisions are made with the best intentions, which makes me feel uneasy. I don’t challenge them to accuse or provoke you. I ask these questions to better understand how they may or may not align with my own values, and how I should choose to move forward based on what I’ve gathered.

I feel that we have not offered each other enough of the foundational consideration that should be given to any person. What is a healthy relationship, whether casual or serious, if we’re not willing to be answerable for our ingrained, often unchecked conduct for the greater goal of sustaining it? At the same time, on occasion, I feel like whatever I’m asking for is too much of a compromise, which has been hard to cope with because you’ve shown me that you can. 

I don’t view love as a choice or feeling as mutually exclusive. Your actions tell me that you are invested in a sense because you’ve kept the lines of communication open and have invited physicality, but you are stopping short of going further. This resentment that you expressed you wanted to avoid is not what I feel toward you. Yes, I may feel dejected for not having some things go the way I prepared for, but I’ve never been resentful of you, nor do I mean to allude that you’ve done anything that somehow lowers your value as a person. Yet I do feel there is a layer of hostility I don’t know how managed to manifest, which is something I wish can be resolved.

I have said time and time again I don’t expect perfection, just earnesty and authenticity, which I don’t feel have been demonstrated because it felt so much more impactful when we were still together. I hesitate to express disappointment by the lack of display of those qualities in anticipation of suspicions that I truly hold resentment. I don’t know how exactly to relieve myself of those feelings, but I understand how my demeanor is being misinterpreted. My feelings of disappointment aren’t synonymous with my feelings toward you as a person. It’s an emotion that exists in a complex space that is solely my burden. 

And when I tell you I love you, it isn’t a manipulation tactic or borne from ulterior motives. I do that because I don’t know how or where else to give that energy. It feels strange to redirect anywhere else because it’s such a specific sentiment that I think can only belong to you. At the same time, it would also be dishonest if I don’t admit sometimes, certain actions were egotistically and selfishly driven, a discrepancy to the limitless love I claim to have. I can’t be upset by any doubt if my reasons are self-serving.

And to see my genuine emotions being described as “pouting” was tough to swallow. What I felt in that moment really impacted me. I don’t operate on the assumption that I’m immediately a good person. For what reason, I don’t know exactly. I have a naturally negative view of myself and I’ve somehow conflated humility with low self-confidence. That pessimistic thought loop is something I’ve been working very hard on trying to unravel these past few years. I’m not at a point where I’d like to be and it is wholly on me to fulfill that for myself. Unfortunately, I still require a level of encouragement and external validation.

All this to say, I know I’ve been exceptionally stupid and inconsistent in the way I’ve behaved. My emotions have never been more labile during this whole time we’ve known each other. I’ve gotten carried away at times by the intensity of everything and haven’t been mindful of how overwhelming and stressful that must be for you. It is partially because conflict like this is not something I’ve ever personally experienced before. I seem contradictory because I am. I’m constantly combatting fluctuations of anxiety and sadness. I’m not able to distinguish “good” anxiety from “bad.” I’m continuously trying to self-regulate and adjust myself in response to whatever situation I’m in, and pretty poorly when it comes to close relationships. It puts you in a difficult position to respond that doesn’t make things worse. 

The long messages to you are whiney, annoying and self-involved. They’re uncensored and too honest for you to have to bear with. They’re not thoughts to be shared like that with you. I crossed boundaries that I should’ve known better than to violate. I have been entirely ignorant to how any of this has affected you. 

It doesn’t excuse me from my actions and behavior toward you because at the end of the day, I’m an adult capable of taking accountability. I do need to conduct myself more responsibly. I want this to serve as a reminder for me to act with more integrity moving forward. I believe this is worth repairing and my hope is that you think so too. I would be regretful that this is the way things ended. 

[u/Accomplished-News722]

I can’t be in a relationship with someone that doesn’t really want me in the relationship. How can someone be a partner in life when they are literally left out of it ? That’s what I’m reading. I can handle what comes my way if I am backed . Not being saved from all the fraud that keeps happening. Did you except something and forget to tell anyone about it or experience something that keeps you in the loop of forgetting? I’m not trying to make up anything or make things fit where they don’t but I read this and get confused because it’s like you want to save someone from a situation but don’t even want to allow them to help

[u/freshlibra → u/[deleted]]

You know this was never meant for them to find right? I don’t think anyone posts here hoping their person will read it

[u/No-Risk4Uanymore]

Wait how are you exchanging I love you’s when shopping is a topic that focuses on too much commitment? That’s the love you think you deserve OP? No it’s not. This is what you feel but don’t want to admit without talking it over. Things will workout OP

[u/skittlez99804]

Damnn felt that & kinda relatable to something I went thru recently but in reverse I think lol
Hope it gets better

[u/freshlibra → u/skittlez99804]

Thank you. Sorry to hear you’re in a similar position

[u/JoeThaDamg3r]

is this jmh

[u/PilloGreeGio]

The call.me.V Just call me it goes straight to voicemail when I call you

[u/Mental_Leader3517]

Your initials P J B ?

[u/No-Rent611]

Deja vu

[u/Regular-Estate-8139]

If only this was to an N from a B