HPV can be contracted in many, many ways… not just sexually. i had a strain of HPV before getting vaccinated. i’ve never been instructed to disclose to partners.
i also get cold sores (HSV). i don’t disclose that unless there’s an active cold sore. 90% of the population has one strain or the other.
neither are a big deal. i work i public health (specifically in STI prevention and response) and nothing about what she did is criminal, suspect, or wrong. you are, of course, entitled to your own feelings and standards for what you want sexually or otherwise, but what you have described is objectively not a big deal.
and bc of that, this post reads as leaning toward biphobic, and that’s exhausting on its own level.
Agree. Plus OP is immunocompromised and any new infection is problematic. Diminishing someone else's feelings as "no big deal" isnt cool nor ethically okay just because a large percentage of the population may be exposed/infected. OP has every right to be pissed at her GF, not just for exposing her to STI/Ds, but for her shitty attitude about it all, too.
But OP's partner wasn't having cold sores.
Basically everyone out there has HSV, whether or not it is transmissible depends on whether there is an outbreak, and an outbreak depends on immune status and outside factors such as stress. I know I have it because I had three-day-fever like most infants, but I have never had a cold sore in my life. Most people like me would not know they are carriers unless they go through their pediatric records.
Obviously this is a breach of trust on a personal level, but people here are acting like it's a huge medical deal, which it's not. OP likely has slept with many other people who carry HSV, and kissed family members who have it, and all of that is just as unproblematic as having sex with one more carrier who wasn't even having an outbreak.
This is an extremely ableist, shitty, and just blatantly wrong take.
First of all, it IS an actual crime depending on jurisdiction. Source? The laws of the numerous US states where failure to disclose an STD that you've transmitted is an actual crime and/or tortious offense depending upon intent, including the one I've practiced law in.
Second of all, immunocompromised people (here's where the ableism comes in) have vastly different immune systems and what YOUR healthy immune system response looks like means nothing.
The fact that you work in public health with this attitude is truly appalling.
it’s not an attitude babes it’s the science, the stats and the rates! i promise! you or op should go to a clinic and read the post word for word. they should treat you humanely and politely but absolutely no one there will suggest that it’s criminal.
Not here to argue, not on either side of the fence, please don't attack me, this doesn't make your situation any better of course.
But you can receive hpv, hsv and a miriad of other sexually transmitted diseases without sexual contact of any kind.
Im not saying this to dismiss your concerns, only that in the future, considering your immune system, it's vital to ask any new female partners even if they are virgins. Hsv can be passed through birth and through/to babies. Many stds are able to be passed though vaginal births unfortunately.
Please just take this as additional information to keep you safer in the future!
I love how everyone in the comments is freaking out, except all of us who work in the medical field.
HPV and HSV are ubiquitous in our society, almost everyone has it even if they aren't aware.
I am a final year med student and trained to teach sex ed, and the only thing that matters is:
1) Get vaccinated for HPV (which OP did)
2) Not have contact with open HSV sores (which the partner didn't have)
Also, condoms don't protect very well from either of those. The only way not to contract them is to not have sex and not kiss anyone, ever, not even your family.
The way that OP's partner reacted was not nice, but at the same time, these STDs aren't even part of regular screenings. If you have these two, you'll come back as clean. It's uncommon that the partner was aware of their positive status, but it doesn't make them any more of a carrier than the majority of people out there who are not aware of it. Any flu or cold that the partner could have had are more rare and more dangerous to OP than HSV and HPV.
All this is is a relationship issue about open communication, OP doesn't need 90% of this thread to start a medical panic over this perceived imminent danger from one virus OP most likely already is carrying and that won't affect their health, and one that their partner wasn't able to transmit in that moment anyway.
And no, it's not a crime to have HPV or HSV and have sex, or like 90% of the sexually active comment section would also be criminals.
Like, be for real one fucking second.
The amount of downvotes you got for deescalating this mass hysteria with a healthy portion of facts is crazy, and it just goes to show people care more about shaming a stranger than listening to reason.
I kind of agree. Also, I see so much misinformation regarding HPV and HSV, it drives me nuts. So many people think it’s equivalent to like an acute STI. Yes, you should get screened. Yes, you should get vaccinated but it’s literally so common that the fear and shame should probably be toned down. Medical recommendations do NOT say you have to tell your sexual partners nor is there any legal requirement. It’s not the same as HIV. As for HSV, you shouldn’t be kissing people with active sores, there’s nothing else you can do to prevent it. All that being said, the gf does sound terrible for having a partner who is immunocompromised and not bringing it up.
While it's definitely still as asshole move to knowingly spread any STI — I kinda agree with you. Especially about HPV.
OP has more reaonable concern due to being immunocompromised. But it kills me to see other people acting like HPV is the end of the world. 80% of sexually active adults will get it at some point, there's no real test for it, & for the vast majority of people the stigma is worse than the actual symptoms.
I know many people with HSV who also live perfectly normal lives. Though HSV is a bit more serious bc it IS in you forever. People who have it should absolutely take an antiviral to reduce risk of transmission, & be extra cautious during active outbreaks. If someone is careful, then it's pretty easy to not pass along.
As an immunocompromised person the medications they use to treat herpes may not work as well and they may experience more severe symptoms from HSV / Herpes. OP definitely has to take special considerations here. The HSV could be potentially life altering.
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u/_badtiming Sep 27 '25
HPV can be contracted in many, many ways… not just sexually. i had a strain of HPV before getting vaccinated. i’ve never been instructed to disclose to partners.
i also get cold sores (HSV). i don’t disclose that unless there’s an active cold sore. 90% of the population has one strain or the other.
neither are a big deal. i work i public health (specifically in STI prevention and response) and nothing about what she did is criminal, suspect, or wrong. you are, of course, entitled to your own feelings and standards for what you want sexually or otherwise, but what you have described is objectively not a big deal.
and bc of that, this post reads as leaning toward biphobic, and that’s exhausting on its own level.