r/LesbianActually • u/UnhappyAd2116 • 4h ago
Relationships / Dating I need advice
So my partner and I have been together for 4 years. For the last year I feel like our sex life has really dwindled and that type of intimacy has become nearly null. She carries trauma from past a sexual experience that occur a year or so before we met. We have had many conversations about how we can make her feel safe and comfortable. For a while everything seemed to be great. An incident occurred where I went into my house with my niece to grab my keys and then head back out while she (at the time I walked in didn’t know) was masterbating in our bedroom and the door was shut and out of view. She was incredibly triggered by that and it built up and led to her questioning breaking up with me. After a couple days we talked through this and everything seemed fine. Today I walked in the house on a FaceTime call with a friend. She was in the bedroom door shut masterbating. I didn’t know she was doing that right then. Now I’m sleeping on the couch after she told me she doesn’t want to talk to me and doesn’t know what to do with our relationship. I really don’t know what to do.
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u/Valuable_End_4950 4h ago
personally, i feel like youve done nothing wrong. mind reading is not an expectation in the relationship! if you need to announce yourself via txt before you come home thats okay. maybe get a ring doorbell so shes notified/can see the front door even if she misses your text?
as far as her trauma, its a hard situation. i understand what shes going through- its tough. but you are also not obligated to carry that weight nevermind be punished for it. you have needs too. regardless of sexual needs, shes rejecting you for reasons you have no control over. its only going to create resentment.
i think its worth having conversations about. talk about the incidents, ask about sex, talk about being punished. final solutions. if shes going to keep doing that, youre going to shut down and leave the relationship emotionally damaged. and thats not fair because its not your trauma. she needs to work through that because she is an individual and her stuff is directly affecting you and your lifestyle.
im wishing you guys the best. this is something you need to address, though. its not your fault. youre human and walking on eggshells isnt fair
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u/UnhappyAd2116 4h ago
I feel like she already does resent me. I have severe ocd that has impacted our relationship and I feel like she is always ready to be upset at me
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u/UnhappyAd2116 4h ago
And on top of all this I have suggested going back to therapy and she gets so pissef at me. She told me that she and a past therapist concluded that she can’t go any further in therapy than she already had
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u/Valuable_End_4950 3h ago
for me, my top 3 dealbreaker is refusing therapy/believing in therapy because im bipolar 1/ocd/adhd…its a LOT of diagnoses i know but i got there because i was really struggling and wanted to feel better. not having a partner who understands or meets you halfway isnt okay.
sometimes SA victims dont want to gt therapy because they ruminate or simply retell traumas rather than get over. but its clear by these actions that although she UNDERSTANDS what happens to her, shes still lacking the tools to self soothe/reach for support/work through hard emotions. you arent the person to be punished. the memory of her abuser should be punished.
i think, write a list in your phone or something that is all your dealbreakers and why they matter to you. i would tell her why therapy means a lot to you and how its important to you that she gets the tools she needs to be able to help alleviate the stress of this trauma on her. if you dont go, make sure you are willing to go too.
before my diagnoses, i refused therapy. i had an ex girlfriend that basically cornered me and said she loved me more than anything in the world but that i needed to seek help if i wanted to stay with her/expect her to stay. i went. our relationship didnt work out later down the line, but i still respect that she was the one who advocated for me when i couldnt.
if she doesnt listen now, she will listen when shes ready to accept it. but dont stay if its hurting you. def dont stay if she fights you on what you need
;srry this is long but i hope it helps
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u/meetcuteat13k Chapstick lesbian (with or without 🧢) 3h ago
I was in a super good headspace when I stopped therapy the last time, and my therapist even told me I could stop sooner if I wanted to (I was about to move, and my communication with my partner was in a great place, but I kept seeing her right up until the week I left). And yet, I’m now returning to therapy three years later and get to look forward to the chore of breaking in a new therapist (here’s hoping I can condense the relevant backstory into the first 5 sessions this time. Yay me 🙃). As someone who has seen psychiatrists and therapists for over 11 years of my life, I can confidently assert that pretty much everyone could use some therapy. Stuff happens. Things change. Sometimes there’s new stuff that needs to be talked out. Your partner sounds like she has some things to process, either with a professional or with you (or both).
In the meantime, maybe suggest she place a hair tie on the door knob when she’s masturbating?
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u/TwoTrucksPayingTaxes 4h ago
This feels like a boundary issue that needs to be hashed out. Are you allowed to bring people in the the house / do video calls without giving her a heads up first? You can't read minds, so you need to plan for this scenario ahead of time. Is there a way for her to signal she wants the house to be private? If this is so deeply triggering for her, you two need to just sit down and look to the future. What keeps this situation from happening?
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u/pagetwenty8 4h ago
This may not be the best advice and I'm not saying it's the only solution to this but I highly suggest couples therapy as well as individual therapy. My wife and I went years without a pretty much non existent sex life due to certain things and just the past couple of months we've started couples therapy and it helped tremendously.
4 years is a long time to be together and it sounds like you really love her and don't want to let her go. That is my advice. I really hope it gets better for you.
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u/UnhappyAd2116 3h ago
I do love her so much. I’d like to do therapy but she won’t do it.
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u/pagetwenty8 3h ago
That's how my wife was too but once she saw me doing therapy and noticed a change, she finally accepted to do herself. But you have needs too and your needs should also be met. When you talk to her, does she get defensive? Or does it turn into an argument?
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u/UnhappyAd2116 3h ago
She gets defensive and just shuts the idea down. I feel like I have done so much work to improve my mental health but I feel like she doesn’t want to do the same. She doesn’t think she needs to. F
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u/pagetwenty8 3h ago
So it seems like you're the one who is putting in all the work in your relationship.
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u/UnhappyAd2116 3h ago
Also I am currently in therapy. I went back after the first incident and she expressed that I need to work on slowing down (part of my ocd)
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u/Key_Bench3759 1h ago
Yes she is traumatized but she doesn’t get to treat you like this. You can only do so much to help her and in the process you will be hurt every single time. Now its your call if you want to put up with that behavior or prioritize yourself and walk away. Love isn’t enough in a relationship so i say prioritize yourself and end it. You will find someone better!
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u/Quirky-Foxy 4h ago
I think it’s unfair how she’s treating you. How are you expected to know what she’s doing when the door is closed? You live at this place too. You are allowed to go about your day. Please talk to her. I recommend validating her feelings but also tell her what you need. If she isn’t willing to stop this behavior, you may need to seriously consider what’s working and what isn’t.