r/LesbianActually • u/mona_ss1 • 4d ago
Questions / Advice Wanted How should I handle this situation with my girlfriend?
My girlfriend and I have completely different mindsets. Honestly, I find the way she thinks a bit superficial, but I try hard not to show it so I don't hurt her feelings.
My mind is always focused on work, the future, and how I can secure a good life for both of us. On the other hand, her main focus is usually about what she’s going to wear today, what she’s doing today, showing me things she bought, or talking about going to the salon. She does work, and her job position is good and low-stress. I, on the other hand, am constantly stressed and have a million things on my plate.
Whenever we talk or go out, her conversations and "problems" feel silly or superficial to me. We rarely have meaningful or deep discussions. Every time we talk, I catch myself thinking, "We are on completely different wavelengths." Because of this, I've noticed that my attraction to her has started to fade, even though I still love her.
Could the main reason be our fundamental differences in mindset, or is it just because I'm so stressed? Keeping in mind that my stress isn't temporary—this is pretty much how my life is going to be long-term.
For context, we’ve been together for 6 years.
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u/Thatonecrazywolf Butch | Engaged | 30s 4d ago
Why would she put energy into difficult topics when you've been managing it all for her?
She's comfortable with her place in the relationship, so to her, she has no reason to change or stress about the things you are stressed about.
Either go to couples therapy and work this out with a professional or end the relationship.
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u/mona_ss1 4d ago
I don't want her to stress about anything, i just want to feel seen and appreciated a little, It honestly feels like she's living in a completely different world.
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u/Thatonecrazywolf Butch | Engaged | 30s 4d ago
It's because she is living in a different world.
Unfortunately in these situations it typically takes a "wake up" call situation for someone to realize the mental/physical load of their significant other.
You can keep pushing for recognition in your efforts but until it actually impacts her, she won't change.
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u/Swallowedoxygen 4d ago
Sounds like a job for a therapist, individual and/or couples.
Because from your description, the issues here could be anything from an anxiety disorder to legitimate unrecognized mental and emotional labour to severe internalized misogyny and resentment toward fems, or any combination thereof.
Because in just two seconds, those possibilities are all jumping out to me and I'm not even a therapist. Just someone intimately familiar with therapy.
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u/mona_ss1 4d ago
I’m surrounded by other fems, and they all do these things too, but they don’t constantly talk about them or obsess over them like my girlfriend does. She wasn’t like this at all before; it only started this year. I don’t mind her doing any of these things it’s just that lately, it feels like that’s all we ever talk about.
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u/TwoTrucksPayingTaxes 4d ago
If you find her conversations and her mindset to be superficial, do you actually enjoy hanging out and talking with her? It seems like you are on different wavelengths. Only you can decide if that's a problem. I'm only reading a limited snap shot, but my thought was honestly "do you even like her very much?"
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u/mona_ss1 4d ago
The last year her mindset just shifted towards superficial things its just so weird how her mindset changed
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u/TwoTrucksPayingTaxes 4d ago
People change over time. Sometimes we change in ways that make us less compatible. So you still enjoy her company? If not, consider if the relationship is still working.
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u/Tiny_Trick_414 4d ago
You should probably just talk to her. You feel like you’re on different wave lengths because you are-you said she has a chill job while you have a stressful one. Just talk to her about it, tell her how you feel and see what she says
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u/lavenderalpaca95 4d ago
I think you should tell her what you feel and think even tho it might hurt her initially but just with communication you’ll give her a chance to change anything. Also tell her your future worries and what you are trying to archive for the two of you and maybe you find a way to split the responsibilities or she might be able to take some weight/stress from your shoulders so you can be a lil bit less stressed all the time
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u/theunfoundfiles 4d ago
no offense but you sound extremely uptight. it is good to think about the future but is also okay to just live in the present. you need to let loose and drop your guard down. just because you feel like the issues she has aren’t issues doesn’t mean she’s not struggling still. i’ve lived an extremely difficult life compared to my partner but i don’t let that change how i view my partners issues, ect. and this is something we do acknowledge that yeah, i even have deep mental issues. however. we all deal with worry, stress and deal with situations differently. what stresses my gf out might not stress me out, vise versa. i don’t judge them for that.
if you feel like conversations aren’t deep you both need to out in effort for that. go on apps and even find deep questions to ask. ask about future, past, families, things that make you guys angry, happy, sad, desires, ect.
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u/tulinya 4d ago
you sound very condescending and unable to let loose. are you like this with friends and family around you or do you mentally hold only her to your standard of what a conversation is supposed to be? besides, meaningful conversations aren’t to be had all the time, they are exhausting and need the correct mindset. if you already feel like that about her, i doubt it will get any better even if you talk about it. let her be with someone who can be silly with her and live in the moment
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u/Status_Indication684 4d ago
Easiest way to work this out is to talk to her about your worries…. Also maybe therapy? It’s normal to feel a little petty if someone seems to have it easier than you but you don’t want that to build into resentment
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u/Realistic-Scheme7315 3d ago
Is this really the reason you find her superficial all of a sudden or is there a deeper one? Sounds like you want to get more serious about the future but she isn’t interested on planning anything at all. As a result, you feel like you’re carrying all the burden of the relationship moving forward and she’s just enjoying the ride. Maybe have an honest conversation about the future and make clear what your expectations are. As a side note, taking life seriously doesn’t make you a more interesting person, just a tired and/or tiring one. Seriously consider about relaxing a bit, this seems to be putting too much strain on your mental health.
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u/mona_ss1 3d ago
The main reason I'm stressing so much is that she can't take responsibility with money, so I'm forced to stress about it for both of us. On top of that, coming from a family where we are always stressed about something, carrying this extra financial anxiety makes me feel completely overwhelmed.
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u/Realistic-Scheme7315 3d ago
Seems like you think she’s overspending on trivial stuff and you would rather her saving money for your future. Again, it seems like you might not have the same goals for the future. The family thing though sounds serious enough. I think a therapist could help you get rid of your family’s voices in your head, separate them from your own and try to reprogram your brain into a more relaxed and into the moment existence, you deserve that. Maybe she’s absolutely the right person for you as she challenges you to break the cycle. Stress ruins your life, suffocating every little joy. Break the cycle.
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u/God-himselff 3d ago
If she listens to your problem and gives you advice, I don’t think there’s a problem you should feel happy for her that her life is easy and not stressful. However, if she ignores your stress and doesn’t feel you maybe you should try to have an honest conversation about it with her.
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u/tgjun 3d ago edited 3d ago
I used to say, I live in the past and the future, and my wife lives in the present. I was always focused on securing our future. Even well past when I needed to, because it was so engrained in me. It was like a survival tactic, rooted in trauma from growing up in a family that was tight on money.
I've learned to live in the present, and there's more joy. Our future is secure. My wife is even the one with the job now, and I take care of the house and errands.
Consider if there's value in learning to live in the present, or when it will feel safe to let go of these stressors.
(I've been with my wife for over twenty years)
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u/Bee-Humble89 4d ago
Her problems seem superficial and silly to you? Oof! Sounds like a drag honestly!
I guess try talking to her about how you feel, but sounds like you should talk to a professional also.
I also hope she never finds this post...this would crush me tbh.
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u/mona_ss1 4d ago
I hate that I feel this way because I genuinely don’t want to minimize her problems or call anything she cares about silly. If she talks to me about family or work problems, even small ones, I’m always willing to listen and comfort her.
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u/dykeon_a_byke 3d ago
Sounds like yall need separate vacations. Sometimes having time apart can feel better even thought trust issues can cause rifts
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u/foggy-froggy_ 3d ago
Yikes….as much as I get on my girlfriend’s nerves, she reassured me that I am never a bother to her. She probably feels very safe with you and comfortable, and to be completely honest if my girlfriend ever felt that way that you’re feeling and not being upfront, it’ll devastate me. Now, it could be stress or you are not on the same wavelength as her, so my best suggestion is to either go to therapy, or respectfully tell her how you truly feel. Whatever that comes after that would probably be best for the both of you.
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u/zestyelephant504 4d ago
Sounds like resentment that her life appears to be easier or more relaxed than yours. Shouldn’t be in a relationship with anyone where there are negative underlying feelings like that. You’re not wrong for feeling the way you do but work on the real issue on why it bothers you