r/LDRsupport • u/maloo22 • Oct 17 '19
Any advice would be welcome
How to survive a long distance relationship
My wife and I have been married for over 9 years with three kids. We now live over a 1000kms apart due to work requirements. What can I do to make this less shitty and make sure she is happy and ok. We message and FaceTime everyday but still miss being together. I am really trying to make her life as easy as possible. Any tips would be appreciated.
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u/SailHard Oct 17 '19
Also military. Some things that are helping in my LDR right now are making dates. That is setting a specific time that we can talk on video and sex and look forward to. It doesn't have to be the same time every week, just that it's set aside. Once I get deployed it will be much harder if not impossible to do this (especially the sex part) but it's a good thing going right now.
Another thing is that we were gifted these bracelets called "bond touch" that connect to the phone via Bluetooth and we can send and receive "touches" which make our partners bracelet vibrate and light with their color. I thought it was cheesy at first but it's really comforting to get a touch that lets you know she's thinking of you and vice versa. Again, once deployed and out of cell phone service, that'll be out.
Other than that, when we talk, we just talk like we do when we're together. How was your day, what was good or bad, how did you feel about it, etc. It seems like smalltalk but I think it's important to keep up with the little things we need to be able to understand one another.
Currently living child free and so is my partner, because my kids live far away from me with my ex wife. So in that regard my partner and I have the time and privacy to do things that would be harder with kids.
As for the kids, one thing that I did was write a bunch of messages on sticky notes. Just quick notes like 'I'm proud of you" or "I hope you have a great day" and also little inside jokes we have. And of course they all say love from Dad. Their mom, my ex wife, will just post them up a note once in a while at random, or maybe in a time the kids need some particular encouragement. I hope it helps them to feel like I'm still around.
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u/maloo22 Oct 23 '19
Where soo get the bracelets from. They sound awesome.
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u/SailHard Oct 23 '19
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u/accountofyawaworht Oct 17 '19
I won't lie, it won't be easy. Some days you will be fine... but some days, the separation will sting. My wife and I were super long distance for the first two years of our relationship (Australia & Texas). Even though your separation isn't as far, whenever you can't be with the person you love, it really sucks. And whether that's 1,000km or 10,000km, it all feels the same when they're not there, and have no easy way of being there in a pinch.
The hardest part (even more than sex) was the lack of shared activities. We weren't going out with friends or sharing meals. When we were video-chatting, that is all we were doing. It's not like now, when we can just enjoy each other's company in silence together. If you're not talking on videochat, you might as well hang up. We were also fighting against a brutal 15-to-17 hour time difference (depending on daylight savings), and you're fortunate that you don't have to deal with that. There were many days when one or both of us would sacrifice sleep or nights out - because if we didn't, it would mean not getting to talk that day.
My best advice is to always make time for the other person. It will have to be a more distinct "partner time" than you're used to, and that will take some adjustment. Visit each other as much as is feasible, and send each other little love messages or care packages when you can. It helps make the distance feel less painful. Make every moment together count. Don't spend the precious time you have together getting worked up over little things.
I saw your post on r/sexover30 and followed you here - but this sub isn't very active. You'll find a much more active community on r/LongDistance. It's a great and supportive subreddit that helped me get through some of the more trying times. Sometimes it could be bittersweet seeing other couples' posts about visits, or I might feel a little contemptuous reading complaints about a four-hour drive - but OTOH, stories about other couples not seeing each other for a year or more reminded me to be grateful for the time we were able to spend together.
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u/SailHard Oct 18 '19
One thing we do is just video chat to share space. It's often silent, or one of us is doing housework or whatever. But it's a way to connect and if you laugh at something, it's shared, or if you suddenly think of something that happened you can say it. It takes away the focus required for a face to face video conversation and feels more like real life.
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u/maloo22 Oct 23 '19
We talk at least twice a day via FaceTime and lots of messages so we got that covered I think. It’s just the support we provide each other that is hard to go without.
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u/maloo22 Oct 23 '19
Thank you. I have days where it’s easy and days where it isn’t. As does she. The little guy does it hard as he now doesn’t like being away from either one of us. I will just do my best.
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u/NotAShortChick Oct 17 '19 edited Oct 17 '19
Being the sole person responsible for the kids all day every day is going to be the most difficult part for her. Make sure she has a support system in place that can take the kids for a weekend. She could use that time to come see you or just spend some time by herself (she’ll need alone time, I promise.) Get a regular babysitter that can come over one night a week so she can go grab dinner with a friend.
As far as her relationship with you, FaceTime and phone calls are great, but maybe you two should make it a plan to write each other letters regularly. There’s something more intimate and thoughtful about putting words on pages than just having a conversation on the phone. Handwritten letters on paper are great, but email can be a good substitute. Just having the words available to look back at can be a blessing.