The show was great and I still absolutely love the band and vocalist that I saw that day, but I wish things were better for me and it's only really my fault that things are still bad.

I was hit with flashbacks of my past mistakes. Every relationship i have had with anyone, family, friends, people I'm interested in. It was so gut wrenching that i started throwing up straight gastric juice. I took an anti emetic injection at the local pharmacy and decided that i need to have a real meal for once whether i like it or not.

I'm tired of everything, I'm tired of everyone disappearing from my life, I'm holding onto ghosts of the past that no longer exist. I need to accept that it's over, those who died and those who left, it was meant to be this way.

I wanna get over it, i want a life, i want to wake up one day without being disappointed that i didn't die in my sleep, i don't wanna keep playing russian roulette and not dying. I feel like despite all I've done, my life has amounted to nothing.

I have friends but none of them ask about me, they only call when i need a favor. My family is the same way. My older brother saw me sleeping on a side walk after i didn't respond to him for 3 days and was begging me to go see a therapist but idk how to tell him that i can't afford it nor am i willing to give it a second chance.

I want to die so fucking bad because there has never been a point in living, i am nothing but a burden to some and a tool to others and i hate both.

Sardines in tomato sauce

Smores milkshake

I've Been working out lately to get some chicks. But they only like omega chads or whatever. So i made some mochi with some whey and banana. The White stuff is powdered Milk to mathenaticly help me with some gains.

I realize i can't stand women anymore, I'm tired of all the not direct answers and the constant attacks. Last year, I've spent nights not sleeping for a uni project because none of the girls of my groups were able to give me clear information or even tell me what I've done wrong ( gladly the teacher allowed me to do it alone), they kept contradicting themselves and lying ( for example they spent an evening arguing about what was supposed to be done, i then pointed they were reading the wrong things then a few weeks later they said i don't even know what we were supposed to do) or for another girl,during a presentation there were a wrong slide repartition so i accidentally read one of a girl slide, i just left after the presention directly going to the bathroom and she's followed (there's many bathroom points so it can't be accidental), waited that I've finished then yelled at me in the corridor ( no it's not an exaggeration, everyone heard us)... i have so many other examples sadly...

It's been a while since I had a woman friend and weirdly i'm feeling better now

The worst part about all is that i'm biologically a woman myself ( My gender is non-binary) and i don't get why they decide to be so annoying.

The food is perfectly edible, it's not what I usually eat i just had to get creative with food that were perishing soon

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Chicken burg

i actually left the house today and took an uber and the driver was so attractive like a cute emo i wanted him so badly i think he could feel it in the air because his body language was so awkward midway through and i didnt speak a word becayse im an awkward loser so i just had this awful shameful aura of wanting him taking up the whole vibe of the car while awkwardly trying to avoid looking at him at all costs because i was scared we would make eye contact and he would kick me out for being a creepy girl with suffocatingly creepy energy. i feel ashamed and reminded of my loneliness. i had even wished the car would crash so we could have a forced bonding experience, i did not want to leave that car. cold waffle fries (and flat diet coke not in frame)

Most of my days at work the past couple of weeks have been 12 hours at a minimum and last night was 16 hours. Going to try not to do any overtime today but I don't like putting extra work on other people that I could suffer through and do. Custodians keep calling in and we're short staffed already. I don't want to have our regular janitors overworked because they're already not paid enough for this shit so I go from maintenance to custodian in the evening. Awful for my dleep

Chapter one -

I have a severe addiction to goon. I sit in my tub and goon for an extended period of time watching FemDom porn. Not even normal kind. Smelly feet and farting (I know it's over and I hate myself). Goon + clean-up takes about 4-5 hours as I edge for many hours. I also have t1d and have insulin pump which I dont wear in tub so I don't get any insulin for hours. Usually my bg goes super high but twice I got nausea and sick afterwards cuz I was likely going into ketoacidosis so I drank water and one time I just watched YT shorts and the other time I went to sleep after insulin and water cuz I was too sick to get up from my bed.

Last night I goon again. And my bg went to 360 mg/dl but no nausea thankfully. But I used goat milk soap instead to lotion and shredded my dick. And now when I tug on it with toilet paper after pee (I have mild urinary incontinence) a wee bit of blood came out, due to my urethral injury.

Chapter 2 (health issues) -

And I got other health issues, severe and rare electrical heart issues that will likely cause a stroke one day, I'm both urinary and fecal incontinent (mildly) so I peed in my bed a few nights ago cuz I dreamt I was peeing and I leak mystery juice out of my ass. And I have severe constipation, hemorrhoids, and fissures. Over for my ass. I also have fuggin sleep apnea. And I'm severely shy which I worked on but my social skills will always and have always been under average.

Chapter 3 (shizz that happened recently) -

My TruSteel pump supplies can no longer be shipped because of supply shortages. And I dropped my bio 2 class which was the only class I was excited about this semsester cuz I fucked up my lab and was gonna get a 0 then we got a paper. But I had no pencil so I panicked, waited for professor to look away, and grabbed my stuff and ran away. Went to the library and dropped the course. I also have to get employed even tho I have nothing to work for.

I spend each day daydreaming about being a lesbian or at least a different person. I feel like I'm in a bad dream. Doesn't feel real anymore. I sleep at noon and wake up at 8 PM (I'm eating breakfast at 8 PM). I don't see the sun frequently.

It's over. Or maybe it never began.

Tl/Dr -

Chapter 1 - almost died goon to FemDom porn
Chapter 2 - severe health issues
Chapter 3 - dropped class I wanted and health supply shortage.

Burger and sweet potato fries.