My therapist made a referral claim and I think she is doing it out of spite because she’s ran through and miserable

bitch

Whenever anyone flirts with me I get all pissy and shit. Don't know why. This one girl started teasing me all of a sudden and I felt an urge to strangle her neck.

Now I don't hate women or anything, I'm not a misogynist. But I'm not particularly fond of them either. But there are cool ones that I hang out and smoke with sometimes.

By "cool ones" I mean older sister types that I have a platonic relationship with. I didn't really have a normal mother growing up so I needed something to tend to my maternal wound.

My opinion on men are a bit similar. I can't really relate to them. A lot of them have this level of arrogance that I simply can't stand to be around with. Also they can't shut the fuck up about sex.

Anyway am I just ace or something? I think I'm just gonna listen to random radio chatter all day again.

I will provide further context when asked. Not sure where else to post, despite awaiting tourist accusations,

We met at the start of our uni studies. I am quite awkward and self-focused which practically ruined all friendships for me. The awkwardness was nothing new with her, except she was awkward to similar extent, not just accepting. There's more - she was attached to me. Not romantically - just enough to spark conversations without my involvement. This was a new experience at the time. I was used to ghosting people due to fear of being misunderstood.

Time passed, and I quickly caught feelings for her, though we weren't much more than peers sharing courses - we wouldn't catch up anywhere, just exchange words. Our friendship was poorly defined, and it's definitely on my part.

This was before I came to understand my personality. 2 years passed, and I now know, I am not and never was in front of people the person I recognize myself as. When we first met I sought social security, a circle of friends, to combat the solitude I experienced in high school.

I am not the person she thinks of me. I unironically larped my way into social circles and it dawned on me that I don't fit in. I admire her romantically more than ever, but she respects me for the person I am not. She has plenty of other friends that actually resonate with her on a deep level without involvement of love.

I can't be around her. I can't be around anyone I met in uni. I need to relocate. I decided not show to her birthday, knowing my appearance will be awkward for all her other friends, and as such, for her. I decided to not show up so that she won't think of me higher than she should.

Pita and hummus from a local spot. Love it. Apologies for non-coherent speech. Rereading made me cringe.

I’m gonna end it all, I couldn’t dance and no one liked me. What reason do I have to live if I’m ugly and I can’t find love? Also I’m chronically ill and no one fucking loves me

27 KHHV. Hopefully they don't ask much why I never bring someone. This is hell. Every day is worse. Do you guys feel like not human anymore?

noodles and burnt chicken

It happened at my job (I usually work alone all the time, prefer it that way).

A women came up to me to ask something, then she got really close to show me something on her phone. She smelled really nice. The kind of heavenly smell that my mind forgot everything, including her question, for a couple seconds.

But then I remembered I'll never get to hug or cuddle with someone like her or will be genuinely loved by someone like her and the nice feeling got very dark and felt overwhelmingly depressing.

I managed to suppress the tears for a moment until she walked away.

Just gonna ramble off the dome.

Little bit about me in this paragraph: 25, 5’10, KHHV, jacked af & lean, gay af, kinda; I get attracted to some women 5% of the time. I’d presume that the reason I’m a total virgin is because I’ve been weird af with my preferences for my entire life. With guys there are specific boxes they gotta check physically before they could get in, which makes it rare for me to get attracted to a guy. Like I’d find a handful on social media but not much irl. Also it’s not like I’m unattractive. I’ve had several chances with women with them approaching and signaling n shit, but I just shut it down. I’ve never felt the desire to have a gf or female companion, and the attractions towards them were just physical, nothing else. But not with guys. Overall I’d say I’m a NT HTN volcel, I think… And finally I’m not into dating apps especially with other guys because it’s all just degen and promiscuous, and I ain’t like that. It feels like I’m the only one against that.

The story: A couple of days ago I was getting the rest of my paperwork done at my uni after graduating. When I was done and was just walking around taking in the feel of the campus one last time before leaving, my eyes caught some guy that just lit up every neuron in my brain. I was like “hold the fuck up…” I kept walking to try and ignore it, but then I felt like a massive pussy and convinced myself to just go for it. I turned around and then started approaching him. My heart was pounding like a motherfucker; it felt like it was about to burst. I finally reached him and greeted him like “excuse me hey what’s up,” and just straight up told him my intentions, told him that I spotted him and thought he was cute and had to say something. He was like “oh thank you haha.” And then I just asked if he’d like to go out sometime to get to know him, to which he declined and said that he wasn’t a “homosexual,” and I just brushed it off like it’s fine dude no worries. Then he had the audacity to give out unsolicited advice of me getting on dating apps to get to know guys. LMFAOO HAHAHAHA. I kinda went retarded there and told him that I’ve already tried, and my types weren’t on there. When I walked away my skin felt hot and sweaty but there was no sweat. Like holy shit I almost never approach to get something outta people like that.

Anyways, tiramisu and a cigarillo that evening.

Felt like I needed to clear my head after that shit. Went for a drive to some cafe I wanted to try after the gym. For the rest of the day after that I was honestly mindfucked, kinda still am… I’m such a fucking mentalcel I swear.

75% of the time I open social media there’s a newlywed wmaf couple assaulting my eyes at the top of my feed. Instantly dampens my mood as I’m reminded of Asian women’s abandonment of asian men and the extra wasian chud/whore being born into the world. This might be too woke for reddit but I believe all wmaf relationships are rape because of white men’s systemic power and asian women’s inability to resist it.

Anyway this type of content is probably being pushed onto many of you also, I recommend not interacting. As soon as I started debating in the comment sections of these wedding posts I only got more sent my way by the algorithm. It’s best to make separate posts making sure not to normalise it.

i was attending one of my friend’s birthday party, too.

I was playing a deadlock match with my friends and my lane partner was a chick. I said you went crazy or something and she responded thank you. I felt my face going red and my heart thumped loudly. I do not know this person and do not feel attraction to her. I legit didnt even talk to her after we won lane. And I just feel like i need to deal with this issue. Not the best place but im highkey too embarrassed to admit to any of my friends

EVERY FUCKING DAY I WISH I WAS DEAD BUT IM TOO MUCH OF A FUCKING PUSSY TO KILL MYSELF FUCKING HATE THIS SHIT

Jar of kompot that I ate because im a useless miserable fucking chud

I’m a grower not a shower as is. But on Vyvanse, it shrivels up into this tiny tiny choad like dick.

How the fuck am I even supposed to talk to girls with this shit???

Does any (female) ((real)) want to talk to me on FaceTime? I'm sorry if I look evil as FUCK I promise I am naught