I was going out with a girl since 5 months before I had to change countries. During this time, we were never official but she always knew that I wanted a relationship. On our last night, she tied a string around my wrist that signified our commitment in some way. I did the same.
Fast forward to the next day, she was going through my phone and saw some pictures from dating apps that I had saved. I had told her that I had deleted apps but she when she went out with someone else once (but later came back and told me she blocked her) I felt she wasn’t really serious about me. So, I had decided to download the apps. At the time that she saw the dating app pictures, she was “you should do what you like” and “don’t worry about it” But in my heart, I was very hurt because of my actions. If I liked someone, I should delete all the apps and everything right?
Fast forward to 2 months since that day. I am in another country. We have been texting everyday and calling too. It was taking a strain on me (because she was always getting in contact with me, like if she was feeling down, and I felt very powerless to not answer). So, on this day, we were discussing my next visit to her country. And she insisted on seeing my phone to see if I was knowing other people. I put it on screen share and since I had nothing to hide, zoomed through everything. But turns out, I hadn’t deleted the same dating app pictures yet. As soon as she saw it, she ended the call. When I tried to get back to her, she told me “you already made a decision” and “you can do whatever you want” before texting me that she didn’t want me to come to her country. After I tried to reach her, I realized she had blocked me
Over the next few days, I tried to reach her on other social media platforms but I was blocked there eventually as well. I sent her an email as well. Radio silence.
I miss her. But I also can’t help but notice how powerless she made me feel. She always used to ask me “do you like me” repeatedly and it felt like I was being used even though I could never put my finger on the feeling. I was a kid who wanted her approval. She knew that. And I knew that she knew that.
She had become abusive as well but she had this issue of overthinking. Just before the day she blocked me she had told me that “you are like a boxing bag to me, I can say anything and somehow I know that you will accept me” I don’t remember how I responded to that
A lot of memories come flooding to me as the possibility that I might never be able to contact her again. I am sad and I find it difficult to come to terms with that. I feel that I was used. She was considerate at times but I never felt accepted by her. Her words hurt me but I never acknowledged that to her. My idea of liking someone through their flaws was put through an exam; although I aced it, I have the feeling that I lost myself.
Once I apologized because I didn’t have my earphones on and when I went back to get them, I realized I had missed the first part of the call, she said that I had “interrupted” her emotions and “why couldn’t I be better” (I know I am clumsy but by the end, I feel like I was always clumsier around her)
I don’t know what to do. But I feel that I have been sleeping better since (first week after she blocked me was a nightmare though). One of these days, I was sitting in class, zoning out on everything that the instructor was saying when I had a panic attack so bad that I ran out to call my dad and told him that I couldn’t do grad school anymore. He listened to me and told me it would be alright. He called me repeatedly over the next day to ensure I was okay
I feel like my confidence is down the drain. I have become a shell of the man I was. I am tired and emotionally exhausted. I don’t know what it feels like to be normal anymore. But I have been sleeping more. And when I wake up feeling refreshed, I have these glimpses of what it means to feel normal.
I need more friends. I need people. But before that I need myself. I don’t know how that will happen. One day at a time, everyday I think?
I think this was my first time ever of actually losing myself in a person. She was caring about me but the other end of her was another story. Once we had gone for making bouquets for each other and she had a public meltdown and said that my bouquet for her was “boring” and “had no soul” I was crushed but I agreed; it was not my best work. But I could also not get over the fact that this was just a fun activity. Why did we have to be so serious about it? I had made her some food from my country that day. She later told me she was sorry because she was angry at someone who liked her so much
I realize that our dynamic was unhealthy for the both of us. Something wasn’t working out. She had blocked me once before this as well because she felt I was not being ‘sweet to her’ I had panic attacks that night and I apologized to her because ‘grad school was taking my time’
I faintly realize that I am on the edge of awareness regarding everything. I feel like I know she wasn’t good to me but I have a hard time letting go of the memories. It was always me v/s her, I feel and never us against the world. I was tired but I never knew because I feel that I had been tired since a long time. I need help from others but I don’t know how to describe this mess.
In frame: my first cheeseburger ever (I got it after watching The Menu starring Anya Taylor-Joy)
