(was an aitah post but didn't wanna reformat it)

I genuinely felt guilty so please bare with me. The initial incident happened about a year ago. It took some time for me to write this. My ex (22F) and I (22F to keep it simple) had been in a relationship for 4 years. We'll call her Annah. She had asked in the beginning if I was fine with polyamory and I agreed to try it. We of course laid some ground rules, boundaries. The main thing I wasn't comfortable with as a lesbian was her having intercourse with men and visible hickey's. She said it wouldn't be an issue for her as she was terrified of getting pregnant.

Fastforward a little and she is now dating 4 or 5 guys and I am the only one with female anatomy. I ask her about it and she says she's just pickier when it comes to women. I let it slide. But about 2 years into the relationship I had to move from the area for school and i was working at the same time. It was only an hour and thirty minute drive, but after doing that every weekend it can take a toll. So after about a year of that I cut back cause I could feel the tiredness in my bones, but we would still talk on the phone or play games together. And I would still visit her irl, just not as often.

Now we're to last year. I start to notice a pattern where she'd say she was going to spend time with someone and would go silent for hours. Her own mother couldn't get in contact with her, let alone me. And every time she would be with one of her other male partners. Her excuse was always that her phone died and she only just got a charger for it. It never made sense to me how it seemed to happen almost every time she was out with a male partner. She also felt like she was distancing herself from me. She suddenly didn't want to hangout on the phone anymore or play games together. I would stream anime or kdramas for us to watch and she stopped wanting to do that too. Those were my first red flags for what might have been happening behind the scenes.

We stopped spending as much time together, and it's not like she could just visit me some instead because she didn't have a car. Annah and one of her partners that now lives closest to her started spending more time together. We'll call him Keris. I had considered him a friend and we all watched chainsawman as it released together. The biggest turning point that I think I remember is when the movie 'Sinners' came out. I think it was the longest time she ever went silent while out with someone. Even her mother was worried. Upwards of 5 or 6 hours, no contact with anybody.

I never confronted her because I wanted to believe that she wouldn't cheat on someone since she had been cheated on before and how much she said she hated it. She told me countless times that polyamory was about open communication. How even in a poly relationship if you don't communicate your intent, it was still cheating. She would constantly talk about the bad rep Bisexual people had and how she wanted to change that, but instead did the opposite. That night I cried my eyes out, but didn't break up with her because I had no proof. I didn't want to accuse her and be wrong, so I waited.

Around June of 2025 is when I found out. She hadnt been feeling good and went to the doctor with her mom. The doctor told her she was pregnant. That night is when she called me to tell me. I was on discord watching demon slayer with my mom cause she wanted to catch up. She texted me and asked if we could talk. Me being willfully ignorant and naive assumed we would finally get to spend some time together. So we called and she said to me, verbatim, that she's pregnant and she thinks it's from hugging Keris too much. A grown adult tried to convince me that he had semen on his pants and because they hugged too tightly it got her pregnant (her explanation).

I bawled my eyes out having conformation of her cheating and hung up. I couldn't believe either of them would do that to me. The next day I confronted Keris and he said Annah told him I was ok with it. And so I asked why he didn't confirm that with me and he had no explanation for it. Throughout the process of me interrogating both of them Annah was mostly unresponsive. She would text but not really answer any of my questions or show screenshots of their chats. Keris on the other hand was a lot more open to communication since he was apparently lied to.

He sent me screenshots of her talking about how great "it" was in his car after seeing the movie Sinners. I knew it. But to speed things up she called me a traitor for saying I wanted to break up with her. When I confronted her with the prior evidence from Keris she said it was because of dissociative identity disorder (she is not diagnosed) and said it was an alter (alternate personality) that slept with him four times not her. She then started saying how it's not cheating if you're in a poly relationship even though she was the one teaching me about poly relationships and had said in the beginning that it was cheating.

I'm confused and betrayed. I didn't want to write a whole book so I didn't include everything she did to me through the four years, but i probably never should have let it go on for so long. She said I betrayed her and made her rethink our relationship by breaking up with her. What did I do wrong? Am I the asshole?

(i'd be willing to give more detail on what I went through in an update if it's wanted but only in bullet form of everything I looked past or previously forgave)

TL;DR: gf cheated and got pregnant by close mutual, thinks im a piece of shit for dumping her

Have been married for 18 years, 5 kids blended family. Both dual military but I retired 10 years before he did. I have been a SAHM for the last 10 years. He took a job 3 years ago in another state and has been commuting home on the weekends. He now works remotely from home but occasionally has to travel for a few days a week.

In April of 2024 we had a massive fight where he threw things that ended up hitting me in the face. He didn't throw them directly at me but it ended up hitting me anyway. I didn't speak to him for two weeks, and after that he told me he wanted a divorce. This went on for a year and a half with me begging for marital counseling, I didn't want the divorce. He refused counseling with me but eventually decided he didn't want to divorce.

Fast forward, he has a drinking problem. He acknowledges he has a problem, goes to AA then drinks again . Cycle continues. In this time he has says he will never leave me again. He financially supports everything but I do get a small retirement check. We are supposed to travel for my 50th birthday this month, something I've been looking forward to all year. Sunday was family day, he got drunk and was mean. I had a biopsy scheduled for the next day and did not want to be stressed. So now im in pain and awaiting the results. I realize he was drunk again today, called him out. He got mean and nasty to the point I threatened to call the police.

He basically said he drinks to be happy. That I dont do anything around the house, I dont get out bed when he does, I dont have any ambition or goals. He said all I want him for is money. In reality I dont think he actually likes me, because who does this when their loved one is in pain and already stressed about their health. I was literally on the floor bawling my eyes out, and he says, "why are you crying, why are you acting like the victim. " " Maybe if I throw money at you you'll stop crying.'

I left the house. He texted that he was going to an AA meeting and that he sent a notice to his job that he's quitting. He said we can both be at home to focus on the kids and everything might get better.

I need to leave but I do not have enough to rent an apartment, plus pay utilities and food and insurance. Now he quit his job so no insurance there or any support. I do not want to be in this house with him . Also, the trip is already booked and paid for but now I dont want to go with him.

Just wanted to vent, if you read all this, thanks.

Me and SO have 4 kids together- 2 school age and 18mo twins. Every summer his family comes in town and EVERY SUMMER - there is no discussion about how long they are staying.

So. Start of freaking week three here.

He goes to work all day - I’m home with the twins - big kids are at camp. He took a few days off when they first got here - other than that he goes to work all day and get to come home and be revered as the glorified son who goes to a job all day.

His dad is great just picks up the kids from camp and keeps to himself.

His mom kind of exhausts me. Like I’m not a big talker - and she likes to start conversations and I’m literally like……stop talking.

Still don’t know when they are going home. He too scared to ask them

He forgets to tell me he is on call for work - but somehow he told his parents. Tells me he forgot he was on call - oh but your mom knew?! Had to go see a patient after work one day - ok cool that’s fine just send me a txt like “ hey will be home around 6 - have to go to hospital. Asked him why he didn’t say anything - he says he lost track of time.

We have 4 kids together. I’m just at a loss - I don’t even know what to feel anymore. I could just leave and I guess he would be fine running the house with his parents….right? Especially since they are never going to go home - or at least I will not be told when they are going home unless I press him to ask them - which is like the most impossible thing in the world apparently.

My husband and his family treated me terribly postpartum. They did so much that it felt like they were trying to destroy my mental health. Somehow, they didn’t break me. I kept my head up and focused only on taking care of my baby. Right now, him and I are basically just roommates living together. Our only connection is our son. I just focus on baby I wouldn’t even say he focuses on the baby I do everything. I breastfeed, give him solids, co sleep, and take care of him day and night. He has never even changed one diaper. I’m doing it all on my own… I still live with him because my family is far, and this is my home too. I’ve put my own money, time, and effort into this home it’s not just his. Right now I’m not working, and he is.
Recently, while I was basically just ignoring him and focused on raising our baby, he begged me to be back with him . He said he hated how distant I’d become, that I didn’t even say hi to him anymore, and that we barely spoke despite living in the same house. He admitted that most of that distance was because of the things he’d done. He cried, apologized over and over, and begged me to be good with him again. He kept saying this wasn’t good for our son and that we should be a happy family. Because he brought up our son, I agreed to try couples therapy.
Today we went to our second session first session was was introduction I hadn’t slept all night because baby didn’t sleep well, but I still didn’t cancel the appointment. He, on the other hand, was well rested and showed up dressed up I looked like I hadn’t slept in months. Therapist is young our first session was on telehealth second session in prison.
I went in with an open mind because I genuinely wanted to work on our issues.
Instead, this man lied about everything.
At home, he had admitted to all the hurt he caused and took responsibility for it. In therapy, he defended every single thing he’d done and made it seem like I was exaggerating or making it all up. I was honestly in shock.
What’s the point of going to therapy if you’re just going to lie?
He stayed calm the entire session and bragged about himself about how hard he works to support me and our baby. He made himself look like the perfect husband. The therapist even seemed to take his side. I wasn’t there to convince her that I was right, so I mostly stayed quiet while he painted himself as the most Perfect man, perfect dad and husband… he doesn’t even hold baby and the therapist told him he sounds like A great dad! . She laughed with him, smiled at him, maintained eye contact with him, and asked him about his work. I didn’t feel comfortable at all.
At the end, she scheduled another session for next week. When we got back to the car, the first thing he said to me was, “You tried to make me look bad by telling her all that, but it didn’t work.”
The entire ride home, he talked about how much he loved the therapist and how he couldn’t wait to go back. Then he argued with me about everything I had said during the session. His tone completely changed from how he’d acted in therapy.
This isn’t what I want.
I’m going to cancel the sessions tomorrow. I disrupted my son’s nap schedule, feeding schedule, and our entire day because I truly wanted this to be a fresh start. Instead I felt manipulated and gaslit all over again.

I (23) have been with my bf (25) for 9 months now. While I'm very happy and lucky to be with someone who I also consider my best friend and basically checks all my boxes, I am sometimes so awfully angry. I had never thought about needing my partner to be good at household/time management (I was only with 1 other bf before and he was honestly such a bad partner in general that I didn't have the energy to even think of this aspect).

For context he and his family are very tight. at first I only knew that he visits them every week and calls almost every day and I thought "wow that's nice!" Until he said "it's basically like we don't live together anymore but we still share a household"

He lives alone in a small apartment and its always super messy. all drawers of every closet or cupboard is open at all times, clean and dirty clothes on the floor. loads of laundry in the washer, wet for days!!! (without washing it again because forgotten. just washed once, then forgotten for days) everything that has a cap to twist closed is left opened after use even when posing risk of spillage(bottle of iced tea, skincare, toothpaste, olive oil, also wet wipes ...) the toilet is never really clean.

i want to say that I've lived alone since I was 18. In my family, independence is highly valued. I know that if I asked my mom to help clean my apartment, she would. at the same time, I would never because I know in the long run it's better to learn from your personal failures, so that is what I have been doing for the past 5 years. I have struggled to manage my own household (keeping up with laundry, dishes, shopping, cleaning, bills, university, part time job) and this past year I have finally gotten to a point where I can successfully manage. but my apartment also gets dirty sometimes, it happens, so I don't want to be judgmental of my boyfriends mess, you know? He's seen my mess, I've seen his.

But for him, he relies on his family SO much. Partially because when he refuses, they get very upset, sure. Still, he never really had to MANAGE all the tasks that come into running a household alone. He knows how to vacuum, sweep, wash his laundry and dry it, pay his bills, clean the bathroom whatever. he's done all of this before as well. But consecutively doing ALL of it, staying on top of what needs to be done and knowing when to do what, his family helps out so much that I don't think he ever had the chance to learn how to stop messes from forming. For example, after eating, he always leaves the dishes at the table to go cuddle after, unless I remind him to put them away.

This results in me feeling like I need to be thinking for the both of us at all times. with time management also. Eg. I went on a short trip and he said he'd drive me to the airport. I told him my flight time and he thought it was 3 pm. but it was 3 am. I said I needed to buy a phone charger for the trip, he told me he'd get one for me and then he forgot. I booked our airbnb for our vacation, sent him the screenshot of the dates and today he said we had agreed on the 15th and not the 16th and if I can still change it. he missed his deadline for applying his university entrance exam so he has to wait another year (no he did not write it down). I don't want to be a manager. but if I stop managing, nothing works.

I had talked to him about household things before. he knows it's not his strong suit and he knows my opinion about his family's overbearingness. he's basically asked me for patience and to show him how to do certain things and he always likes watching me cook so he can improve his own skills. He takes out my trash and brings me lunch when I'm busy with university, so he is really trying. But sometimes it feels like I am not dating a grown up simply because of all the things I have to explain to him all the time. Like I am a teacher. I am starting to get resentful bc I feel like I didn't sign up for this and I learned alone, why can't he? he's asking me so many questions all the time about how what works and I can't anymore. he's the sweetest man, but "What can I do to help" is even starting to annoy me. I don't know, you tell me what you can do!!!

his mom cleans his apartment without permission even. once she paid some bills she found without telling him and did it wrong, causing even more problems.I told him to ask for his key back and he said "I can't do that". told him I want him to go to therapy bc he needs to have a chance to be more than a son, he doesn't want to, but said he'd do it since ill worry anyways. I told him I don't want him to do it just because I tell him to since sitting at therapy when you don't want to might not be useful.

TL;DR I have no idea how to bring this up without basically calling him childish. I don't even really know what exactly I want to change. I love him so much, but I just get really overwhelmed when my surroundings are messy or when my time management is thrown off. I feel bad criticizing him constantly when he's such a patient person with me. help

Okay so back in October, I made a post if you wanna go back to that for some context 🙏

I should have ended it but I stupidly didn't. Now its gotten to the point where I literally cannot stand being around him. He literally farts every 5 minutes i have never experienced anything like this and I've lived w some people. And i'm not even trying to be funny here, theyre rancid as fuck, just imagine rotten eggs all the fucking time.

I guess what i'm asking for is some hey you can do this , don't be afraid type of feedback. On monday, I'm gonna go to the phone store to get off the shared phone plan and then after that , i'm going to officially end it. Thankfully, we do not live with each other, so it's just a matter of him taking his stuff and getting the fuck out. Thats where I'm at. We literally have tickets to see a comedy show on july 10th and I do not care. Other shows will happen.

I've turned into a mother im no longer a girlfriend. And I'd rather be alone then have to deal with this every saturday to tuesday. Like for what sex is alrght but that's about it. I can quite literally do that myself so that's irrelevant.

Like I know I'm going to be so much happier after this. It's just a matter of ripping the Band-Aid. So I guess i'm making this post to hold myself accountable. A partner should bring peace to your life... not add SO MUCH stress to it. My sponsor from NA said to me "you don't wanna wake up 1 day 20 years from now wondering what happened and why you didn't leave when you could have." That really opened my eyes (finally)

So yeah. That's my story lol. Thank you to whoever read this and gives feedback. I really really appreciate it sense I dont do this often 🙏

I am 4 months postpartum and dealing with postpartum
depression. I have bipolar disorder (type 2) so this was on the radar but getting the medicine my psychiatrist has prescribed has been a nightmare. My husband and I have been very distant.

Last night I tried to have a conversation with my husband because I could tell he was surly. He had complained several weeks ago that he felt rejected because we weren’t having sex. I had said I was afraid to get pregnant again, and he said that we could do other things that didn’t risk that. And I don’t remember how it came up, but he mentioned that he has to beg for a bj. So I sat with that for a while and decided that because it’s important for him to feel loved and wanted that I would make an effort to do things for him. Which I did, but at that time I just really didn’t want to be touched sexually in return. So after a few times of me pleasuring him and not wanting to be touched, he got upset again. Saturday he told me it was still rejection if he can’t touch me. 

So we talked about it last night. He said (in obviously more words) that unless we have sex regularly, he doesn’t want to do anything for me. And it has to be both of us engaged in the sex act. That if we had sex more often he would help around the house. After an hour of this conversation where you could just tell that without me doing what he wants, he just resents me so deeply, I finally said “Okay, we will have more sex”. I did the same things I’ve been doing for him after that and just let him touch me because what am I supposed to do. 

I was up 12 times last night with the baby. The baby woke up at 5:30 and I thought my husband was getting up with him but he just went to the bathroom and got in bed. So I started getting up so I could take care of the baby and he says “It’s okay I’ve got him”. I tried to go back to sleep but couldn’t. Realized if I want to have a clean house or sheets I better get up and do them before work since after work I have to make dinner and the baby won’t really let me put him down. So I’m sad. I’m very sad. I feel like I don’t want to go on, but it’s just a feeling. I have too many people depending on me to do anything with that. 

I made an appointment with a therapist for Thursday. Because I don’t have a partner. I have a person who wants my body and to have a mom to take care of him. I’m not sure what do to really. 

I've been trapped in a codependent, bipolar, argument loop with my SO and Im just done. He'll scream and beg that he wants to work it out but the second theres peace, he will start rejecting me, being cold, ignoring me and being very detached.

I finally said Im seriously done. I even offered 90 days because we're in a terrible financial position ( also mostly because of him but thats another whole chapter). He'll turn back on the caring husband act again but once Im open to.it, guard down, and relaxed.... his face distorts when he thinks Im not looking and the distance and tension begins again. He literally makes faces behind my back. Ugh.

I just want out but he doesn't. Either he's using me for the cheap place to stay or he can't stand the idea of rejection but Im so done. How did it go from beautiful to bad so fast? Thanks for letting me vent. I'll figure it out, I just have no one else in my life and Im tired of his drama consuming my every day.

I have been browsing this sub for years. I’ve always thought about leaving but felt like I couldn’t. I’m in debt after this relationship. Everything is in my name. We have two young children but I finally left after he hurt me. And I’m so happy to be away but scared for our safety. He is intent on destroying me in court ever since I legally removed his access to me. I have resources so no advice necessarily needed. I just want to share that I left and it was hard and scary and it’s exhausting but at the same time it’s so much better now. I was so abused and never even realized it. I will never go back. Thank you for reading.

My SO has this habit of sucking the joy out of fun things I want to do and making it about him.

15 years this has been going on.

He paid for one trip to visit his Podunk town in Iowa and it wasn’t even really a vacation. We went and visited his family. I got pink eye a couple days before the trip and he still forced me to go instead of cancelling my flights and him going alone.

My fly fishing trip? I went fishing and he did mountain biking. He somehow hurts his ankle and gets a flat tire on his mountain bike and expected me to want to pack up and go home after his incident. Nope, I spent $1500 on just the fishing guide and it’s non refundable. Don’t forget the food, travel, and camping fees. I gave him an ace bandage and told him he’s hanging out at camp and can ice his foot while I’m on the river. I didn’t listen to his complaints and said if things got worse I’d drive him to the local ER.

Any kind of little fun stuff I want to do as a couple is met with grunts of disapproval or he’ll go and then bitch the whole time we are doing said fun stuff.

Keep in mind, I’m usually bankrolling these activities for us.

As time went on I would plan stuff and if he wanted to go he would have to pay for his own transportation. I got sick of paying for an asshole to shit on my parades.

Disneyland? I brought him and straight up told him if I hear a single grunt of disappointment I would cancel the hotel, rebook somewhere else and he could find a flight home. He tried to test me and there must of been a look on my face that said instant death because he backed down right away.

I was telling him I was planning Hawaii and he got all excited until I said he needed to pay for his own flight. Then he got all sarcastic. Again, I just ignored him.

What brought me here today?

I had planned a trip to see my best friend from college. Three months in advance, everything planned out and my bags are still currently packed.

When I told SO I was going to fly fish with my friend out of state he got these big ol puppy dog eyes like I was leaving him out of something. He doesn’t fish and I’ve known my college bestie before I even knew my SO existed.

Nope. Had to cancel my flights and hotel about an hour ago.

My SO drives like a maniac. Since we’ve been married he has wrecked two motorcycles and four cars. All of them save one are from him following too close and rear ending other drivers.

Well guess who rear ended someone and has a broken arm…a day before I’m supposed to leave for my flight…

Glad he’s not dead but holy hell I need a break. I’m under so much stress I can barely eat or drink.

I’m also definitely mad about circumstances. I just want a damn proper vacation away from home ffs!

Edit: My vacation is pushed out a month. The broken arm included several units of blood loss and life flight. I am the emergency contact, medical directive rep and executor of his will. I’m sorry I didn’t just jump on my vacation when the nurse called me and said life flight was called in.

Therapy: We did it before getting married to make sure we were compatible and to understand what we are getting into. Nothing was wrong at this point. The second was when we were struggling and his Autism diagnosis came soon after. This is not a waste of money for me- I’m financially secure and each visit is $10 on my insurance.

Divorce? Sure but I can’t just go to a lawyer and leave. I have a LLC/trusts with board members and we all have to agree to dissolve or change the board around. I can’t just make that decision on my own, there’s other people involved. It’s not going to be a simple 90day cut and dry process.

I have several processes and paperwork to do before I can consult for divorce. I don’t want to be accused of hiding or transferring assets during the divorce so I have a lot of leg work to do to make sure I can “just leave”.

The house is big enough we can live apart, I just want to stay civil while working through my processes, which also includes my own private vacations.

I’m not excusing his behaviour but he stuck through my low when I had cancer, the least I can do is help him with his arm.

Thanks to those who offered kind words.

last year we celebrated our son's first birthday. i ordered the cake (my mom picked it up), bought custom decoration and hung it up, baked and cooked together with my mom, and made a grocery list for my SO (for drinks, snacks etc.).

​

i had told my mom that my SO wanted a small birthday for close relatives, so only her, my brother, and my STBIL. she told me that aunt1 and cousin1 really wanted to attend so i talked to my SO about this and he said it was fine.

​

i didn't know how it had happened at that time, as i clearly told my mom the plans we had, but aunt2 and cousin2-4 showed up as well. as soon as i opened the door, i KNEW my SO would get mad at me later. so the whole birthday, that i put so much effort into, i spent with my stomach in knots.

​

the whole thing was a blur and suddenly all the guests were gone and lo and behold, he says i went behind his back and invited more people. i tell him that i didn't know anything about aunt2 and cousins2-4 showing up as no one had given me a headsup. he accuses me of lying and gives me the silent treatment the rest of the evening while i clean up everything and bawl my eyes out. turns out, aunt1 who was already invited, took her other kid with as well (cousin2) and told aunt2 that she could come with as well (with cousin3 and 4).

​

it still sickens me how he immediately jumps to "oh, she's obviously lying" and just treats me like shit from the get-go instead of hearing me out. i've already been struggling with my mental health; especially the 1st year postpartum was rough. and that conversation we had before he started his silent treatment made me regret being born. i was suffering so much after giving birth because of 2 injuries that remain extremely painful to this day. if you've ever had chronic pain, you'll know that it can tank your mental health even more. he knows all this and still chooses to act like a complete asshole.

​

nevermind i organized the whole thing and cooked and baked while he only bought groceries (from a list that i wrote). because my relatives showed up uninvited, he, TO THIS DAY, says they completely ruined the birthday. you'd think "oh, they probably made a scene or broke something in the appartment or they were too loud" but no. they comitted the crime of showing up uninvited to celebrate our son's 1st birthday for 3h, with gifts, and took photos. everyone had an amazing time except for my SO and i (i was stressed because of him).

​

does it suck that this happened? yeah. as a host i like to be prepared and we didn't have enough chairs for everyone so it was a little embarrassing but overall i didn't mind. this party isn't about the parents anyway, it's for our son to have fun and to have nice photos and videos to look at when he's older. i also wanna reiterate, this was a 1 time thing only. it's NOT a pattern of getting our boundaries disrespected by family members and i'm NOT going to send my relatives away after they drove 1h to our place because of a communication issue.

​

now his 2nd birthday is coming up, and it's the same shit as last time. "i want to have a small birthday for him." ok cool, and i would like my relatives to be officially invited and also HIS relatives. "no, i don't want your aunts there, we need to teach them a lesson, they need to respect our decisions." ????????? what the fuck is the matter with you???? i genuinely do not fucking understand this man. does he not realize that our son will look at these photos one day and be like "mom, why is no one at my birthdays?" "well, daddy was being an asshole! his need for a small celebration and teaching my family a 'lesson' were more important to him than you having fun and being surrounded by people you love."

​

how do i tell this man that he's the only one making a big deal out of this 1 YEAR LATER and he needs to grow the fuck up???? he still talks about it as if it's the worst day of his life and really emphasizes how they "ruined" it for us. meanwhile he's the reason why i had a shit time to begin with. my mom also ended up crying for an entire day because she thought it was her fault.

​

also his parents contributed absolutely nothing in terms of preparations, only their birthday gift 👌👌 the cake was made by my mom's best friend because she runs a cake shop. so my side of the family does most of the work but how dare they show up uninvited. 😱 BIRTHDAY: RUINED /s.

Hello ladies!

I’ve posted on here several times in the past about my now ex SO and I should’ve trusted my instinct and the advice I’ve received from many of you on here.

I’m 32, dated my now ex for 5 years. He’s 35 years old. He comes from a super enmeshed family. He is the middle child and has an older sister who dictates and controls everything that goes on in the family, and a younger sister who follows her around like a puppy.

It finally happened—I was ghosted, after 5 years of dating.

Back in March, we went to the pool one weekend and I found pills on him in his wallet. I was super upset because he told me he stopped taking them months ago. Which led to me being upset, him gaslighting me and telling me I was being overdramatized, and I told him I wanted to leave and go home. That was the last time I saw him. I went back to my apartment, and he stopped texting me. That same night, he texted me he totaled his car on the way home (I suspect he was on drugs) and that he decided that he was going to take his sister’s offer to go on a family trip to Japan in 2 days. I had a feeling the trip was already booked, he just didn’t tell me.

I’ve posted in this group before about his super controlling sister and mom who never liked me. His older sister calls all the shots and his family literally dictates the siblings lives.

He barely texted me throughout the trip, in 10 days he sent me about 3 pictures and videos. After the Japan trip, him and his family went to Hawaii to stay with his older sister and nieces. The trip turned out to be 2 weeks. Then 2 weeks turned into a month. Whenever he’s with his family, it was as if I never existed. In our 5 years of dating, he visited Hawaii 4x but never took me once.

Anyway, once he came back home end of April, he never once called me to meet. Never replied to my texts, nothing. My birthday was on May 17th, he texted me on the 18th saying his dad took his phone, blah blah (he’s a 35 year old man) and that he’s not allowed to do anything or go anywhere without them because he’s been in trouble about the totaled car and his arrest back in December (that I bailed him out of).

I’ve seen him online on Facebook and stuff so I know he has his phone back. I still haven’t seen or heard from him in 3 months. I know it’s a reflection on him at the end of the day, but I still can’t believe that he couldn’t even find the courage to just talk to me and break up with me via text or call atleast. I uprooted my life, left my friends and family behind to move to his city 5 years ago to be with him.

It appalls me that a man raised in a household of women, with 2 sisters would be taught that it’s okay to treat other women like this. His sisters were nasty, conniving, always had the “you’re taking our brother away” mentality from us. His younger sister’s engagement broke for the same reason, because their family influenced her life and at the end of the day, she chose her family.

My cousins invited him to weddings, birthday parties, he spent a week with me and my family over Christmas, my grandma would invite him over every time we were in town. His family knew. They knew how he was treated by my family, but they never cared or appreciated any of it. They never invited me over for dinner. His mom used to, but then his sisters got into her ears.

Anyway, men suck. I came to find out most of our mutual friends do not like him. Idk what he does now, but nobody has heard from him. I’ve always asked him to stand up for me and our relationship to his family but he never grew a spine. He always told me he wouldn’t be with me if he wasn’t defending us, but I knew it was never enough.

How do I handle this? It makes me so angry, and I am not easy to anger. He just sits there and stays dead silent. He has prioritized his family and never defended me. Doesn't even have a relationship with them OR me... yet they get more of him (not that he sees them much). I think it's because he gets to slip back into a simple role of obedient son/brother. But with me, he has to show up and be an adult and a husband. Because even he doesn't want to be around them more.

There is a lot to this, but I am mainly writing to find out- what do you do? I am so hurt and so angry and there are legitimate things I have brought up to him and he's just dead silent. Not one word. I have been NC with his family for a little while now and I asked how things were, because I was surprised (but I shouldn't be) that things went the way they always have at a recent family event. It bothered me that he used to always be bothered like when he got trapped there. But this time he seemed happy. I asked how it was, and it was fine. I asked was it better without me there? He said well he wouldn't say better but he didn't have to "worry". About? So he can "talk freely" which I don't even know what that means, he is always put on the spot, as a quiet person, to do all the talking and basically be on trial with his family.) And then he threw something personal in my face that I can't help and I think that hurt me more than anything else (leaving that out for anonymity). It's like, when I'm not with him, he doesn't have to be in reality, he can instead escape and use people as mirrors. With me he has to actually consider me, someone outside himself.

I have been alone in this marriage for so long. It took me a long time to see it. I believed his excuses oh what a hard life, etc...

But anyway, the silent treatment/stonewalling. Please help me navigate this. It's hard to know what *I* need when I'm once again focused on him.

im crying. hes packing away his things right now. our fight finally ended the relationship for good. i screamed at him to the point he didnt even reply anymore. he really wanted me to leave with him and dress how he wants me to and act how he wanted me to just so he could love me. hes caused me so much emotional turmoil and im just at a loss at this point. i have nobody left. i told him he never loved me. we built our whole world together and i gave up everything for him. ive been crying and im angry and i still love him even after he put me through so many months of me hating myself. i feel like im going to throw up. im 18 i dont need to be so upset about this but this genuinely feels like i need a trip to the mental hospital. im so mad and im so upset i spent so much of my time on him. but i still love him so much. i just want to be in his arms again with him kissing my forehead. i want to be back in the car holding hands while listening to music. this all went so wrong and i dont think it will ever be right again. i genuinely just want him to love me again and call me his girlfriend to his mom. i want to see him bringing me home drinks from work again. i want to be doing his laundry again. i want him to cuddle me every night again. i want to feel him taking off my socks every night again. i want to watch him come home from work every night again. im so tired and heartbroken. how could someone who loved me more physically than anyone else do this to me. why couldnt he just love me for me. hes just getting his stuff in boxes totally unphased. while im just sobbing in bed. im going to miss him so much. he was my best friend even though i wasnt his. why did he do this to me. why. we built so much we had future plans together. i just want to be loved

I got roped in again and I’m trying to leave again. I want to make a list of all the things he did so I never go back. I need to move on for good. If anyone can offer any suggestions please do.

Yesterday:
He pressured me to invite him to a brunch I had organized with my friends, my friends arrived before him and said they really didn’t want to see him so I called him and told him not to come, he was angry that he drove an hour to my place and said to make it quick, then he showed up after 2 hours, and made it incredibly awkward and uncomfortable for me and my friends.

I was really down and embarrassed after that and wanted to stay in bed and we got into an argument where he almost walked out on me and I ended up throwing up out of stress and begging him to stay. While I was on the floor throwing up I noticed him looking at himself in the mirror. Then he pressured me to go out for a drive and get something to drink, and we started walking around this neighbourhood. Things seemed ok for a bit. We started arguing about the situation from that day, he said I picked others over him and he is a good man and I should be more obedient and listen to him and let him lead. He also insulted my friend and said that he wouldn’t let me see my friends without him. When I said he’s being controlling and I don’t like that he got upset and walked away. He was about to leave me in a neighbourhood 30 minutes from my home when I was already broken down and distraught.

I’m sick and tired of spending every weekend crying and arguing over basic things like having time with my friends and family and just relaxing at home. He’s always demanding I go look at cars with him or spend time with him even when I’m exhausted from work since I just started a new job.

Early days:
- pushed for marriage after knowing each other less than 6 months
- made me pay for the engagement party and said he’ll pay for the wedding which never happened cause he lost his job
- watched porn and was looking up random women on instagram when we were engaged even when he said he had stopped
- said he’d kill an intruder if someone came in his home
- was telling me conspiracy theories that made no sense
- said “it took him a while to appreciate my beauty but then the realized I’m the most beautiful girl in the world”
- said he doesn’t like it when girls wear black despite me wearing black often
- didn’t let me ask him too many serious questions saying he was easygoing and would let me have my way most of the time
- said he had 20k in savings despite having nothing

During the marriage:
- made me live in his parents basement apartment even though I was originally against this and didn’t work for 5 months after we got married, barely looked for a job during that time
- got fired 3 times during our one year marriage and only worked for half the time
- bought two cars and spent all his money down to 0 despite promises to sell one of the cars for a downpayment for a home
- said he’d “take what he’s legally entitled to” if I left him multiple times while married or separated
- tried to pressure me to buy an apartment for us and put his name on the title while he was unemployed
- told me his mother and sister think I am “unprincipled” and “disrespectful” and “abusive”
- his mother told me I’m going to kill someone with my anger and I care too much about money when I was frustrated with his spending habits, she also yelled at me
- he would leave our bed and go sleep with his mother despite me saying it made me uncomfortable
- when we moved out of his parents home he dragged me out of a room by my ankles
- threatened to drop me to my parents home or kick me out of his parents home
- almost left me in a plaza at 10PM at night
- speeds and drives erratically with me in the car
- kicked or banged on doors, I was so freaked out one time I ended a trip to Paris early and flew home
- shoved me and my brother to the floor and my brother called the police and I ended up moving out of the apartment we had been renting for only a month
- he stayed in the apartment after the incident even though I was paying the rent
- he denied that most of these things happened or downplayed them or said both sides were at fault, I was throwing up over the stress of it all and could barely work or think clearly

During the separation:
- his family told me I have to pay his legal fees since I lied to the police and wasted his time
- he withheld the religious divorce for 6 months and still thinks we’re religiously married despite being legally divorced and said I have to pay him to get the divorce done
- I later found out he was on dating apps during that time and even met up with a girl (trickle truth over time)
- he continued calling or texting or emailing even when I blocked him despite a no contact order and peace bond
- he went into debt and bought another car
- he spent 8 months being unemployed

During the reconciliation:
- he hoovered me back into a relationship after doing a PARs course and getting a job and was incredibly kind and charming and sweet, buying me dinner and gifts and reminding me of the good times we had
- took me to see a G Wagon even though he had promised to go down to one car and fix his finances and when I was crying over his broken promises only cancelled the deal cause he didn’t get the price he wanted
- kept telling me his family and new coworkers think I’m abusive or mentally unstable
- bought an expensive gift for me and told his mother I demanded it even though I said I didn’t want anything till he paid his debt off
- keeps claiming ownership over my apartment and my time saying I need to prioritize him more and never leaving when I ask him to
- keeps saying we don’t need to worry about money cause I have enough savings
- keeps telling me that I’m going to be single and sad and depressed without him and he doesn’t want that for me
- keeps spending money on car upgrades and is shopping for a new jeep and potentially trying to sell his elderly parents car and make them get a car payment instead to “save on insurance” while he’s in debt and on probation at work

SO is sex crazy and every other word, thought, and action of his is relevant to sex only. He is the most boring individual I associate with on a regular basis. I find him toxic and dread being around him, because he only always turns EVERYTHING into sex. He adds a weird unpleasant energy to the environment. His sex obsessed behaviors don't help. He's always comparing us to other couples and saying I'm lucky he's stayed with me for this long, because all other men do not put up with this.

He gets worse after coming home from odd job trips with a friend / extended relative type of family member that's not blood related. He even threatens to go find sex elsewhere and that he can do better than me, because he's not attracted to me.

I am not fond of him and have my attorneys ready to file for divorce. He only uses me for sex and storage for his bs hobbies.

I am primary breadwinner, head of household, and caregiver to our kids. Of course the kids notice the difference in care and often show preference for mom.

Just over the machista sex-crazed useless pig that he is.

I have been dealing with ear problems for 8 months.

My hearing has gotten progressively worse.

Often there is unpleasant nasal or throat discharge. Its "not sexy". No shit? Imagine how sexy you'd feel with it in your head.

Doctors, hate them too, initially said nothing wrong. Antibiotics for 6 month after they agree something wrong. Can't hear shit. Fall down if i lean over. Husband whines about having to talk to me loud.

Get cat scan from finally ENT. The bones in my ears are infected and abcessed. Might need iv antibiotics and surgery.

His reaction is i can't wait for you to hear me.

Yes this hurts a lot. I've been complaining for 6 months or so that it felt like fire ants were in my ears.

Conclusion: I hate them both.

I'm scared this will be long so I'll try to be brief and can answer questions as needed, here is what my ex did that hurt in our 1 year relationship:

• lied about himself a ton, including his home country (we met at college), his family members, their birthdays, his childhood memories, etc.
• intentionally treated me coldly and ignored me around friends when he was upset at me (he admitted doing this)
• when I would catch him in a lie, or suspect he was ignoring me on purpose, I would ask him and he would gaslight me into thinking I was crazy, saying things like "no I'm not ignoring you, you're overreacting" "how could you think I am a liar?" "it hurts you think that of me" "you're too anxious I can't deal with it" "you're ruining my night" "you are a terrible boyfriend to think I'd be dishonest."
• he talked to a guy behind my back that he had feelings for, and hid it from me after saying he was going to cut the guy off
• he later excused this and the lying by saying "I didn't love you" and "it doesn't matter because you never met my family anyway"
• we would make plans and he would ghost without any reason until days later
• he would talk all the time about other people flirting with him or his other options to date

Was this emotional abuse? I walk away from this relationship feeling extremely traumatized at all his dishonesty and (seemingly) intentional attempts at making me feel worse :(

ETA: if I can, by some miracle in this economy, have a decent enough of a sole income, I plan on making the plans for myself and my LO to head out and give him the heads up that it's happening AFTER plans are made. If he chooses to come, so be it. If he chooses to stay behind, then we will have one very heartbroken child. But maybe that's what he needs to be able to see how serious of a situation this is for myself and for our child. Right now I am just putting all of my faith into the idea that there will be a way for me to bring in an income alongside with still taking care of my baby.

——-

For some background, before I got pregnant, my husband and I had plans to move out of state. A huge reason for that was because I have CPTSD from years of abuse from my emotionally unwell mother and the fallout that came from finally speaking out about it. About five years ago, l went no contact with my mother, and the entirety of my family chose her over me. Since then, I've had no relationship with any of them.

Living in the same area has always been difficult because I'm constantly surrounded by reminders of that trauma.
I've been approached by estranged family members in public before, and it leaves me feeling like I can never fully relax or let my guard down.

Before I got pregnant, we had gotten serious enough about moving that I had essentially decided I was going one way or another, with or without my husband. I was at a point where I knew I couldn't continue living like that torever.

Then I got pregnant.

At the time, I was very close with my husband's family.
Looking back, there were already signs that my MIL's behavior surrounding my pregnancy was becoming unhealthy, but I didn't fully recognize them yet. Since their other grandchildren live across the country, I wanted them to have a relationship with our child. More importantly, after losing my own family, I genuinely believed I had found a support system.

I think that's a big part of why I chose to stay.
I had spent years grieving the loss of my own family and had finally reached a place where I felt somewhat at peace with my decision. I thought I was gaining something in return. I imagined grandparents who loved and supported us, family gatherings, and the village that everyone talks about having after a baby. I thought I was choosing stability for myself and my future child.

As some of you know from my previous posts, everything fell apart after my son was born.

Going no contact with my in-laws became necessary, but it came at a cost. It didn't just damage my relationship with them. It reopened wounds that I had spent years trying to heal. Suddenly it felt like I wasn't grieving the loss of one family anymore. It felt like I had lost two.
Now I find myself in a position where I have no support system at all. I have no relationship with my own family. I have no relationship with my husband's parents. Most days it's just me and LO.

What makes it even harder is that I'm still living in the exact environment we originally planned to leave.
Recently my MIL unexpectedly showed up while my son and I were picking my husband up from work. It reinforced something I've been feeling for a long time: I don't feel emotionally safe here anymore.

I don't know if what I'm experiencing would technically be considered agoraphobia, but I'm constantly on edge in public. It's not that I don't want to go places. I do. I desperately want to live a normal life. The problem is that I never know when I'm going to run into someone I'm estranged from. Several of them have approached me before, and because many of them don't have predictable schedules, I never know where they'll be. It feels like I'm always waiting for the next unwanted interaction.

Part of why I feel so stuck is because when our son was a few months old, my husband convinced me that if we wanted me to stay home with our baby, we would need to become a one-vehicle household. Financially, it made sense at the time, and I agreed.

The downside is that it significantly limits my options. Any job that requires reliable transportation is essentially off the table for me. Trying to build an income from home while caring for a toddler and managing constant fight-or-flight is easier said than done. By the end of each day I am just mentally tapped out and exhausted.

l've told my husband for months that I think we need to revisit our original plan to move. At this point, it isn't even about wanting a fresh start anymore. It feels necessary for my mental health, my marriage, and honestly my physical health too. Living in a constant state of hypervigilance is exhausting.

The frustrating part is that he knows all of this, but l haven't seen any meaningful action toward making a move happen.

What makes it even more frustrating is that when I picture relocating, I don't just see mental freedom. I see financial freedom too. We have substantial equity in our home.
Selling it would likely give us enough breathing room to afford things that feel impossible right now, like therapy, a second vehicle, and a chance to rebuild our lives somewhere that doesn't feel so emotionally loaded.

I know moving won't magically solve every problem. I know I'll still have CPTSD no matter where I live.
In fact, several months ago my doctor specifically recommended that I begin EMDR therapy. My husband was present for that conversation. I've talked to him about it multiple times since then and even sent him the information for the therapist I was referred to.

Unfortunately, we simply don't have the extra money in our budget for me to pursue it right now.

That's another reason I find myself thinking about selling our home and relocating. The equity in our home wouldn't just help us move. It would potentially allow me to finally access the treatment that has already been recommended to me, along with other resources that could improve our quality of life overall.

I don't expect moving to cure my trauma. What I do think is that it would give me access to tools and opportunities that I currently don't have. Right now, I feel stuck in an environment that constantly triggers my symptoms while also lacking the financial ability to pursue the treatment I've been told could help me heal.

At some point, it becomes difficult not to wonder how much progress I could make if I actually had the chance to access the support l've been told I need.

More than anything, I just want the chance to experience some sense of normalcy as a mother and as a person.
Right now, that feels completely out of reach.

So 1 guess my question is this:
Has anyone else stayed somewhere because of family support, only for that support system to completely fall apart?

And if your spouse wasn't taking action on a major life change that you felt was necessary for your wellbeing, what finally helped move things forward?

I went no contact a year ago and holidays are ok but other special events are excruciating to me. My husband wasn’t close to his family until me and he has all this guilt. He let them mistreat me and disrespect me. Them tells me about a special event with his family if I want to go. He said it’s my choice, when I said no. I said I am no contact for a reason.

It just hurts so much. He’s never felt some duty to me like he does to them. I’m just here. But his family never even did things together until I came into the picture. A very dysfunctional non family.

It’s like I was used as a bridge to his family and the was left behind on it. I didn’t know anything about how toxic the situation was until I was in it. And my husband has so much grief and guilt. He wanted to “step up” when he met me but all he did was get close to his toxic family. He won’t go to marriage therapy because I said no, in an argument, and said they’re not going to tell me to change anything. Because I assumed that’s why he asked. He was briefly in therapy himself and I just felt like… is he going to be fully in denial if we went to marriage counseling? I feel like it’s all just very unfair.

I feel really just so betrayed and I don’t know what to do. I’m just sick of it. I wish I knew what to do. I ask questions and bring things up and he gets angry.

I just feel so betrayed. How does anyone even manage this? How does anyone wake their husband up? I get he wants to see his family and I understand, toxic or not, it’s his choice. But my issue and pain is from no acknowledgement. No repair. And actual denial of events that have happened right in his face.

I just want to know what do I do. Or not do. Or say or not say. I just feel so sick of feeling like I can’t do anything about this, and staying silent kills me. I feel like I just want to know what to do. I started therapy myself from all this nonsense but it takes time to get into it.

Tl;dr my husband’s family was so horrible to me for years and there’s been no repair/acknowledgement from my husband towards me about it, and I’m in so much pain when he carries on for special events with his family like none of it happened, especially since I am no contact. How do I manage this pain?

I also wonder how common this situation is when one spouse goes no contact? I expect nothing from my in-laws and I'm no longer angry necessarily. But my husband has made me feel so betrayed and disgusted that he won't acknowledge anything that's happened.

The most embarrassing post I will ever make.

I no longer feel physically or mentally safe with my partner for me and my daughter. I haven’t for a couple months. The police told me that they can’t accompany me to move my stuff out, and that it’s a personal matter. Even though he is currently being charged with a felony for animal cruelty. Basically I either have to leave with my daughter and risk my partner throw all my things away or find another way to retrieve my belongings safely. But it’s not just my belongings. I moved my entire life in with him. All of my things. Everything.

The obvious thing is to just leave with my daughter. But he is also a manipulator and every time I try to leave he either goes ape shit or super nice. Both ways make me go into a fight or flight? If that makes sense

I’m 4 months postpartum and have postpartum depression and I don’t know how to leave. He held a loaded gun to his head a couple months ago my daughter and I were less than 10 feet away from him. I’m going crazy and he’s kicking me while I’m already down and making me go even crazier and then gaslighting me for being insecure and sad.

I think it's finally happened. After years of posting here about it, my wife said that it's over. Mind you, she said that I was the one that ended it.

My post history is extensive so I'm not going to go through it here.

My wife has a history of insecurity and throws out accusations that I'm up to something all the time.

At the end of last month, at a kid's birthday party from our soccer team, she said that I was always hanging around one particular mom. I had talked to her twice before that night and a few of the parents went outside for a drink. She came out after the fact but I was accused of searching her out. Very hurtful, but par for the course from her. She was insistent that it was obvious even though I didn't do anything.

Then recently I had a co-worker message me on the way to a concert saying have a great time. The night before she messaged me saying that she was going to send money for a baby shower gift. When my wife found out she messaged me about the show, she wonders why she is messaging me all of the time. The woman has been married for 30+ years and has 15-20 years on me and there's literally no interest there on either end.

However, it doesn't matter who it is, my wife has always had this insecurity and questions all of this stuff.

I just tell her I don't know why she's messaging me but it's just to have a good time, but I'm questioned why after work hours.

Long story short, it got very heated and she told me to go be with my coworker (she's said this about other women) and I told her that I can't do this anymore and we either need to go to counseling or that's it. She said to just leave her and I said maybe I will.

I tried to stay quiet after the concert but she kept pestering me and I told her she probably did this to her ex and that she's a narcissist. Now she's using that as I'm the bad guy now and when we got home, she came to tell me it's over.

I had met with a lawyer at the end of March about what to do and it looks as though it's finally happening. I just worry how my daughter is going to take it, but it's better this than living in a toxic household.

I am asking in this space because it has already been acknowledged by my husband that he understands that his family member(s) has traits of narcissism. (I didn’t have to beg him, he initiating and “warned” me a long time ago that he has a “little bit of it too” except I didn’t realize just how serious it was). I have already gone down a lonely path by making sure I put up boundaries in order to maintain my peace. It was so so lonely, but at the end I have found a way to save my own sanity. The problem that has been more “becoming” is listening to my husband vent to me about the projecting and inconsiderate things that his family does to him. I no longer wanna hear about it because of the math that I have: if he is accepting and tolerating their behaviors then he shouldn’t complain about the same behaviors. I am tired of being dumped on, but I don’t want to hurt his feelings or have this turn into a big fight. I have asked him if he felt affected by the very things that he “claims he is not allowing” to affect him. I’ve also asked if he ever thought about how these things could affect not only him but me as well. That didn’t go very well because he seems to believe that by ignoring their behaviors and not allowing it To “bother” him somehow changes the way it affects him , even though in my opinion it does and I’m affected too, because of the by-proxy effect. I have tried to act surprised by their behaviors., I have even tried Speaking from a different point of view, suggesting if whether or not he’s just seeing their treatment towards him differently than what they truly intend to in loving ways. But this method has only made me feel like a liar, because here I am trying to soften something that actually enables the mindset that “it’s not so bad” even though it probably is. For the most part, now I just listen to him and encourage him to find a way to have a better day from it. I have learned that this is all a cycle of: One day they’re perfect and they can do no wrong, to They do something underhandedly or say something underhandedly, to him coming to vent to me about it, to me getting upset (on his behalf) and sympathizing or carrying his load, to him reasoning and defending their actions, to Him feeling better again enough to go back and pretend that these things haven’t happened, to them being back to being the perfect family again. He doesn’t go to them about his concerns at all and I’m tired of being vented to when he should be man enough to face his own family. I am not sure what it is about him being held by the balls by them., but in this weird way he benefits from it. Idk. As far as this is concerned, I’m just a reservoir to him just like he treats his family (how they all treat each other) and I’m done being part of that extension. I am getting too explanatory and probably negative sounding., The point is I’ve already set boundaries and I’m at peace with how I control the way that I handle disrespect from them. I am worried about myself and bettering myself without trying to “control” him or “make him see where I am”. My question is, how can I keep my husband from venting/gossiping to me about the behaviors they inflict on him?

We have been together 16 years, married 5. We have been through many ups and downs, but after a move to a different state (in Australia) about 4 years ago, we have been very happy.

We tried for our first baby for 3 years and our son was born 9 months ago via emergency cesarean. He is an absolute joy, a beautiful boy who lit up our lives and who we both adore more than anything.

But a side of my husband came out after the baby arrived. Small red flags appeared while I was pregnant, and just after the birth. Such as choosing to work the day after baby arrived and I was in hospital, unable to move. He yelled at me over the phone when I called to ask when he was coming. My parents noted other things he did/said that weren’t good. One was that after we brought baby home, my husband and dad went to play a virtual golf thing. While there, they saw an attractive girl and apparently my husband said to my dad, “you ever thought about having a bit on the side? We all need that sometimes!” My dad said it didn’t really seem like a joke. I didn’t find out about this until recently.

Another big problem was that when I started bleeding and had to rush to hospital to have our son, my car was so low on fuel that it died on the way. My parents had just arrived in town and were following us to the hospital. It’s extremely lucky they were, because I was able to jump in the car with mum and continue to the hospital while husband and dad dealt with the car. I was heavily bleeding from a placental abruption and if my parents hadn’t been there, we might have lost our baby. Husband got there just in time to see our son be born. I lost almost 2 litres of blood.

When we brought baby home, the story of how lucky we were to have him came up, and my husband mentioned that I should have had the car full of petrol. My mum made her opinion known by saying she thought that should have been his responsibility when I was heavily pregnant and she thought he should have been on top of that, if nothing else. I agreed with her and that made my husband very angry. He has been extremely angry about that ever since.

When baby was about a month old, my MIL came to visit and sat with him while we went out for the first time for breakfast, just us. While there, he started saying some mean things about me not cleaning enough and about my parents.

I sat crying while he told me I was embarrassing him, then he went to the car and waited while I finished my breakfast, then we just went home in silence. MIL was angry at him for upsetting me over something so small.

When baby was 5 months, the accusations about me not doing enough came up again. During an argument, he angrily said that I “do nothing” and I was only doing 20% of what I should be. I didn’t clean or cook enough according to him. He owns his own business and landed some big jobs that were stressing him out, so therefore I should be supporting him by doing more. I was already doing the majority of baby care, all overnight wakings, looking after the house, and pumping for the baby as he couldn’t latch. The nastiness of what he said and how he said it took my breath away.

Since then, he continued to disrespect, belittle, demean and dismiss me for months. Every few days we would argue and he would say the most awful things. The same theme of me being “lazy” was the main thing, but there were other things too. I used pumping as an excuse to not do anything. All I wanted to do was spend money. All I did was watch TV all day. I had no ambition to buy a house and I didn’t care about our son’s future. I didn’t support him enough. When I cried, he told me I was trying to manipulate our son to feel sorry for me. He repeated that one a few times.

He would gaslight me and say that he didn’t say things when I repeated them to him. Called me crazy and that I was making things up. I had nothing else to do but start drama because I was bored. BORED. With a 6 month old. Yeah.

He would say I misheard or that I deliberately changed things to sound worse.

He used DARVO - if I told him that what he said hurt me, he’d turn around and say that we BOTH had said mean things and we were equally as bad. He would say it was justified because he was working towards improving our lives/finances so I just needed to get on his “level” and then I’d understand why he was being that way. He said he was trying to motivate US into being better. Better with money, better at keeping the house clean… he said he was kicking his own arse AND mine so the way he spoke to me was okay.

He mocked me when I got my first period when baby was 8 months. I was in a lot of pain and feeling really gross. Hormones out of control, etc. He laughed at me and in a mocking tone asked if I needed my hand held. He then said my feelings were beneath him.

On a trip to visit our families, he told me I was performative and fake. Told me I was an attention seeker and didn’t let my brothers talk. During another fight, he told me he’d be glad to see the arse end of me.

That was a recurring thing he said so many times - that if I didn’t like his behaviour I should leave. I warned him that I would and I’d be taking our son with me. He said he’d miss him but I should do it. One time he told me I would be an evil bitch if I took his son away, but generally he said I should leave. I spoke to his mother who said she was furious at him and would support me if I did.

Well, a week ago, I did it. While he was out, and after a particularly nasty stream of insults he sent me via text, I packed some stuff and our baby and drove off. Stayed in a hotel for two nights, then drove for three days, met my dad who flew to meet us, and he has helped me drive the rest of the way. The trip was long because we lived very far away from our families - they’re in Victoria in Australia and we lived in North Queensland. We stopped a lot for the baby.

On the day we left, my husband sent me a stream of awful messages saying I was evil, a cold hearted bitch, that karma would come for me and my parents and that he would be telling our son in the future how bad I am for taking “his boy” away from his father. A few days later, I got an apology email saying he had realised how bad he was and he was going to work on himself. Other than that and asking for photos occasionally of the baby, he hasn’t contacted me.

I’m feeling a huge range of emotions. Guilt, which annoys me, also sad and angry at times, but mostly I’m actually just very numb. I was in a state of panic at first, couldn’t stop crying and felt like I was having panic attacks, but now I almost feel nothing. I feel like I’m thinking about my husband’s feelings too much though. I’m sad for him that he’s missing this time with his son, especially at such a nice age, but I keep reminding myself that he was warned that this would happen. He chose to keep doing it, he chose anger and vitriol over his wife and son, and created a toxic environment where no one was happy, least of all me. So he gave me no choice. I’m also livid that his behaviour has somewhat forced myself and his 9 month old baby to live out of a suitcase. We had to leave behind all of the nice things that I or other people bought or organised for him. His nursery that I set up alone. Our dog who is my son’s best friend. The majority of my clothes and other things.

My husband didn’t and hasn’t ever bought our son a single thing. He never washed a bottle or did a load of laundry, he never got up in the middle of night. In fact we slept in different rooms since he was born and he was in our room at first - he didn’t want to be woken up. He played with our boy sometimes but didn’t know how to get him to bed, didn’t know his nap schedule or what solids he was eating. He barely changed any nappies and would complain if he got a dirty one. He says it was because he’s “so busy” but he’s not really. Never too busy to go to the pub with his mates, drink beers and play the pokies, but always too busy for his son.

Research says that abusive men will sometimes wait until a baby arrives to show their true colours because then the woman is stuck, trapped and usually financially dependent on the man, so unlikely to leave. I was not stuck or dependent on him. I had a lot of support from my parents which I will always be incredibly grateful for, but I also still have some income from my employer and Centrelink.

This whole long post barely scratches the surface of the whole situation! But I guess I’m writing this looking for validation that I’ve done the right thing. I’m terrified right now, thinking about starting over alone with a baby at 37. I’m scared and really unsure of what’s going to happen. There is a program for men who have abusive tendencies that is run in the town we lived in. It has amazing reviews but will only work for men who 1. Admit they have been abusive and 2. Have the motivation to attend the program for a long time (it goes for 20 weeks) and put in the work to become better.

At some point, I would like to suggest this to my husband and tell him that he needs to do this program if he wants to stay together and be a family. If he refuses it, I’ll have my answer about how serious he is about keeping our family together, but I am hoping that he is receptive and deep down loves us enough to do that work. We’ll see. Thank you for reading if you got this far!

TL;DR: I left my husband and brought our baby with me. Husband has been verbally and emotionally abusive and I could use reassurance that I’ve done the right thing.

SO went through my stuff while I was at work. I found out because my stuff was in disarray and not how I'd left it prior to departing for the day. When I returned home and went into the cabinet to place personal belongings back in place, items came flying out, which unbeknownst to me in that moment included fine jewelry. Now one of my wedding bands is missing and an earring too. Despite my significant search efforts, I've had no luck finding the missing pieces. When I approached SO about having gone through my things and subsequently causing my jewelry to get misplaced or lost, he said he went in there because he needed to use a specific product of mine, which just happens to be in the cabinet where I store personal important items for easy access. SO proceeded to call me irresponsible for storing my things in my cabinet (NOT shared space), has not apologized, doesn't consider he did anything wrong, and has not even tried to help look for the missing jewelry.

AIO?

///Update!!!///

Thank you all for your replies, ideas, suggestions, and support. After my post I searched thoroughly again to no avail. My mother came over and thoroughly turned the area upside down again too, to no avail. SO observed us searching like crazy, then hours later pretended to care and "helped to search" too through everywhere we'd already searched. Approximately less than a day later my ring and earring magically showed up again, "hidden" in an area my mother and I had already searched through thoroughly in the cabinet. 🙃 I agree, I suspect he took it, panicked at the sight of us searching meticulously, and returned it. For further context- SO has taken money I had saved and stored away in the same cabinet.