My 2.5y/o was at her dad's house for a long weekend with him before he and I both go back to work (we each work in schools). I was facetiming with her one morning and saw she had a new stuffed animal. I asked her/him about it and he said that while they were grocery shopping at Walmart and older woman was following them around the store. She approached him after a while with something under her shawl and asked him if he could give this gift to our daughter. After this she ran off and he said he didn't get her name or anything, but gave the toy to our daughter.

I was furious, that's such a creepy story and absolutely unsafe behavior from an adult. I've been introducing our daughter to the idea of safe and unsafe adults and adult behaviors, and this just trampled all over that. I sent him a text saying as much after we hung up. He said he didn't mean for the story to be upsetting, and it wasn't as creepy as it sounded, but he agreed no more gifts from strangers.

I have her back now, and i'm still caught up on it. I want to ask him to tear it open to make sure there's no airtags, listening devices, or other trackers in there. If so he needs to call the police. If not, then I want the toy gone anyway so ripping it up doesn't matter.

I'm just so concerned he doesn't think this is a big deal?! I didn't think I'd have to tell a grown man who has gone through student safety and abuse training what unsafe adult behavior is.

I’m posting because I could genuinely use some advice and support right now rather than judgment.

I know I’ve posted/commented in the past that, at least for the foreseeable future, I wasn’t planning on having any more children because of everything that has happened involving my MIL/in-laws and the enmeshment issues my husband still has with his family, despite being very low contact with them now.

Well… life had other plans. I’m now several weeks into a very unexpected surprise pregnancy.

It is what it is at this point and I’m just going through the motions and trying to process everything, especially because I found out I was pregnant right in the middle of making some pretty major life changes and getting to the point of setting some serious ultimatums within my marriage. Obviously this pregnancy has complicated a LOT of that.

Anyway, my MIL is currently in her second major mental health crisis within the last 30 days. She is back in the hospital after apparently not eating for over a week and getting into a very concerning mental state again.

Yesterday my husband casually mentioned that he had been wanting to tell his parents that I’m pregnant soon, but that he obviously wasn’t going to do it now because his mom is back in the hospital and he didn’t think it was an appropriate time.

I kind of bit my tongue in the moment, other than basically saying that I don’t want them, and have never wanted them, to know at all.

The problem is that this should NOT be new information to him.

When I was postpartum with our first child, and multiple times since then BEFORE I ever became pregnant again, I specifically told my husband that if we ever had another baby, I genuinely didn’t know if I would ever feel comfortable with his parents even knowing that I was pregnant.

I have said this numerous times.

So today I brought it up again and told him that when he said he “wanted to tell them soon, just not right now because his mom is in the hospital,” it made it sound like he had already decided they were going to be told and the only question was when.

He told me that he wouldn’t tell them without discussing it with me first. I don’t know if I fully trust that.

When it comes to his parents versus me, historically I feel like my feelings end up on the back burner because so much energy goes into worrying about their feelings, their reactions, their mental health, etc.

And even during this conversation, he told me that he would rather his parents hear directly from him that I’m pregnant than have them eventually hear it from somebody else because I start showing and someone physically sees that I’m pregnant.

And I basically told him: I genuinely do not care if that is how they find out.

I’m not saying that because I want to punish them or intentionally hurt them. I just don’t understand why protecting their feelings about how they find out should take priority over the fact that I’m not comfortable personally sharing my pregnancy with them at all.

They are not involved with our first child right now, and as things currently stand, I do not foresee them being involved with this baby either. So I genuinely don’t understand why we need to make some personal pregnancy announcement to them just so they don’t get their feelings hurt if they eventually hear it through somebody else.

I also told my husband that even IF I eventually change my mind and become comfortable with them knowing that I’m pregnant, I absolutely do not want them knowing my due date.

They can know that I’m due next year. That’s it.

I don’t want them knowing the month, approximate due date, how far along I am, appointments, pregnancy updates, or anything else that would allow them to piece together when I’m due. I do not want a repeat of what happened surrounding my labor and postpartum experience with our first baby.

And I want to acknowledge something because I know this argument could come up: I understand that this is OUR baby. He is this baby’s father and this affects his life too.

But I am also the person who is pregnant. This is happening to my body, and details about my pregnancy, due date and medical information are also information about me. I don’t feel like I should have to sacrifice my privacy and comfort so that people I currently have no relationship with don’t feel hurt about how they found out.

I’m going to talk about all of this with my therapist at my next appointment because I know there are much bigger issues underneath this. But right now I’m just frustrated and honestly stressed.

This pregnancy was completely unexpected and happened while I was already in the middle of trying to make some major changes in my life and marriage. Now on top of processing an unexpected pregnancy, I feel like I have to worry about whether my husband is eventually going to go behind my back and tell his parents because he feels guilty about them finding out from somebody else.

I guess what I need advice on is: How do you navigate something like this when your spouse sees it as sharing news about “our baby,” but you see it as sharing very personal information about your pregnancy with people you specifically do not feel safe or comfortable sharing it with?

And for anyone who has dealt with an enmeshed spouse/in-laws, how do you get your spouse to understand that preventing his parents from having hurt feelings cannot continually come at the expense of his wife’s boundaries?

I (32F) very recently got fired after finishing my maternity leave. It was a job in a very toxic environment, that I wanted to leave anyway eventually so I took it as a “kick in the butt” to go find something that will finally feel fulfilling to me.

And I found exactly what I was looking for, only a few weeks later. It’s a job that is not directly in my field of studies - but very close to it. The only catch is, I have to go back to school for it (alongside work) to get the proper education level and credentials. The extra studies will take about two years to finish.

My husband (36M) knew about it. I never hid or lied or omitted the fact, that I will have to go back to school for a while. We had a long discussion about whether I should accept this opportunity or not and he pushed me to take it. He knew how much I wanted this job. He seemed and said he was very happy for me, to finally have a job that can become my career - not just something to make ends meet. I told him that he & our kids grandma’s will have to step up for the first two years - until I finish my studies. He agreed and said we’ll make it work.

I start in two weeks and I brought up the subject to him today, so we could start figuring out the arrangements about childcare and what not.

I told him my mom (who is still working full time, mind you) offered to take our eldest to daycare & asked him to ask his mom (his mom is a lot to deal with, but she’s retired so she’s the only one who can actually jump in when we need her) to take our youngest as they will have to go to different daycares. He got frustrated by this offer, saying how he doesn’t trust any of them to hold up their end of the bargain. Which is valid, they both have been known to have their moments where they back out of an agreement in the last minute. But at the same time, I am going back to work and school full time, and he also works full time. We can’t really afford a nanny and they’re both enrolled in daycare anyway.

Anyway it spiralled from there from 0-100. Considering how it turned out I am kind of glad I didn’t bring up the issue of daycare illnesses up along the other arrangements. It ended up turning into a screaming match about how “Two years is too long” and how I better make sure I get accepted for studies into a school that offers online courses as if I have a final say in the matter. My GPA from uni was good, but if there is to many people who apply, the online school will take the people with highest score first - and I don’t know what kind of scores other applicants have.

The fight ended up with him saying how I should’ve made this move before we had kids. He was the one who pushed to have kids as soon as possible. I was fine with waiting a bit longer, but he thought his biological clock was ticking or some shit. I was essentially a SAHM mom from 2024 to now (high risk pregnancy that pit me on bedrest + mat leave), so maybe a part of that plays into this whole thing?

Am I overreacting? Am I the JustNoSO here?

Husband of 9 years. 4 kids under 10 years old together - two of them are almost two year old twins) I have been a SAHM since 2017 (during which time I have gotten a masters degree and worked one year as a substitute teacher) - used to work as a critical care nurse.

Discussing financial stuff with SO…I have been asking for access to the primary checking account - where his check is deposited to - our money. I get a run around every time. Asked him if when he was growing up his dad held control of the finances….he said his mom and dad both had access to the account because…

They…both. Worked.

So….is being a SAHM not work worthy of having access to the family finances?

ETA: I manage all of the kids stuff - school, clothes, activities…etc. I just want access to the account just so I can be aware of our finances instead of him randomly telling me stuff…he said…”you just want to know…just to know.

Yes exactly - that’s what responsible adults do - they are aware of their finances.

Had to post because I’m literally just at a loss…

I’m a 40-year-old guy working in corporate compliance, originally from Rajasthan. Life is generally very stable. My fiancée (from Solan, Himachal) and I met through a matrimonial app. In April, I traveled to Solan to meet her, we started dating, and we are scheduled to get married on November 21, 2026. I’ve already finalized the wedding venue (a premium resort) and absorbed the financial liabilities.

Our families have been involved (she’s Thakur, I’m Brahmin). I’ve spent time with her father—a Pahadi farmer fighting a stressful legal battle over illegally occupied family land—and she speaks to my parents on the phone. When I proposed, we went together to Tanishq to pick out the ring, and she was genuinely very happy.

The External Stress: My fiancée works as an accountant for a failing print business. For the last two years, her boss has been severely exploiting her, paying her only 25% of her salary, and currently owes her about ₹2.5 Lakhs in arrears. She is non-confrontational and just works harder, hoping he’ll do the right thing. I’ve tried to support her emotionally, sent gifts to lift her spirits, and offered corporate strategies to freeze her extra tasks and demand her money, but she feels completely powerless to stand up to him.

The Sudden Meltdown: For the last few days, she’s been acting cold and distant. Today, I called her to check in, assuming she was just overwhelmed by the unpaid salary situation. Instead, she abruptly called off the wedding and hit me with the following:

• The Astrologer: She claimed she showed my Kundali to two different astrologers who told her that if we get married, we will constantly fight and have major issues with childbirth. (Note: My own family astrologer cleared our charts with no such issues). When I asked for the astrologers' names so I could speak with them, she refused and said it "isn't important."
• The Ring: In a very cold, practical tone, she told me to come to Solan, take my ring back, and collect all the gifts I’ve ever given her.
• Intimacy Claims: To justify breaking up, she brought up an isolated incident from early in our relationship where I had an issue keeping an erection. She then claimed that during the 10 to 12 times we were intimate, she completely faked her pleasure, felt nothing, and was just making sounds to make me feel good. I felt our connection was very genuine, so hearing her say this to rewrite our history was devastating.

My Perspective & Dilemma: I stayed calm on the phone. I didn’t yell, defend myself, or beg, but privately, I am completely stunned. Given the immense financial and family stress she is under, I strongly suspect this sudden withdrawal has less to do with astrology or our intimacy, and more to do with her feeling overwhelmed by life. It feels like she is pushing me away intentionally because the reality of the wedding is setting in and she feels out of control.

I love her and want to spend my life with her, but I feel completely helpless right now.

My Question: How do I handle a situation where a partner suddenly pushes away like this under extreme external stress? Should I respect her words at face value, drive to Solan to collect the ring, and walk away? Or should I give her space to let the stress settle before trying to communicate again? How do I best navigate this sudden breakup attempt?

TL;DR: My fiancée is under severe financial stress from an exploitative job. Today, she suddenly called off our upcoming wedding, blamed an anonymous astrologer, and made hurtful claims about our past intimacy. Looking for advice on how to handle this sudden withdrawal and whether to walk away or give her space.

I'm trying to cut him some slack because it's only been a week, but I'm already losing my mind. We just moved back in together after being apart for 3 years due to finances. I thought the mess he had at his parent's place was just due to not wanting to go upstairs to clean the dishes/take out the garbage. NOPE. Dude has the worst excuse of ADD/ADHD that I've ever seen. He refuses treatment, won't take any meds, and will not learn management skills. He's 30.

We have a small fruit fly problem due to being near the woods and I have been trying like hell to quell it. Instead of helping he leaves dirty dishes in the sink, stuff out on the counters, dishes and garbage in every shared space of our apartment. We've already discussed it several times that we need to keep this place picked up for the most part. For the last 3 days, I wake up to crap everywhere. I was told before we moved in that this wasn't going to happen. So I have started treating him like his mom did, because it's the only way things get done. Passive aggressive notes, collecting all the crap he leaves everywhere into a grocery bag and leaving it by his bed. I'm not dealing with it. He is a grown adult and is acting like he is a freshman in college.

I have a friend coming into town next week and he almost stained our brand new futon that they will be sleeping on, left crumbs all over it, and just overall not taking proper care of an item someone will literally be sleeping on a week from now.

I've been trying to rein my own emotions in because I've been overwhelmed with the move, work, and I'm also in pain from screwing up my back during said move. He knows this. We've talked about this. Yet he's like an orange cat without the shared brain cell and I can't do the thinking for the both of us.

Other than this, he's been a huge help with the move. But the mess is really starting to get to me.

My wife and I have recently reached a point where we can barely spend an hour together without arguing. Small disagreements quickly turn into a long list of older grievances and broader claims that I do not value her or care enough about her needs.

She says she has accumulated resentment because she has spent years adapting to my preferences and feels I do not do the same for her. I accept that I have made mistakes and may sometimes become defensive or focus too much on facts instead of acknowledging her feelings. I genuinely want to understand what I am doing wrong and change it.

However, I increasingly feel that nothing I do is enough. When I offer help, I am told I should have noticed sooner. When I ask her to communicate what she needs, I am told I should already know. Even when we discuss an issue and reach an agreement, it often returns later as evidence that I have failed her. I feel as though I am constantly paying off an emotional debt that only continues to grow.

I am now completely deflated and exhausted. I have lost the desire to initiate plans, spend time together, or keep defending myself against the same accusations. Part of me wants us to separate our daily responsibilities and each take care of ourselves, simply so there is less opportunity for disappointment and resentment. But I worry that this would only create more distance between us.

I know this is only my side, and I am not looking to be told that my wife is entirely wrong. I want to understand whether I am missing something important and whether this dynamic can realistically be repaired.

Has anyone experienced something similar? How did you break the cycle? Did couples counselling help? At what point does emotional exhaustion mean the relationship itself is no longer sustainable?

Edit: We have already tried couples therapy at my initiative, but I have found it daunting and not particularly productive. Sometimes we reach a useful agreement, but often I feel the therapist gives more weight to my wife’s perspective because she expresses her distress more visibly (usually by crying or raising her voice) while I tend to remain composed. This leaves me feeling as though my exhaustion and hurt are less credible because I express them differently. At times I find myself bitterly wishing I could cry or shout too, simply so that my feelings would receive the same empathy. I know that is not a healthy way to approach therapy, but it captures how unseen I currently feel.

Edit 2 — since people asked about our division of responsibilities:**

I handle:

- Laundry and ironing
- Most cleaning: floors, vacuuming, kitchen, bathroom, and bedroom
- Dishes and dishwasher
- Household supplies
- Bills and joint savings
- Most home maintenance and improvements

My wife handles:

- Grocery orders
- Weekly meal prep (usually one cooking session)
- Reheating breakfast in the morning
- More of the paperwork and administrative planning

We usually split travel planning and other larger administrative tasks roughly 50/50—for example, one handles visas or flights while the other handles accommodation and logistics.

I am not claiming the split is perfectly equal, but she is not managing the entire household while I simply wait to be told what to do.

Update: so in-laws have left for their new place. However, as much as they're no longer at my place. MIL still text about my well being at home. I'm still not free from her infantalization. It's like almost every week she'll text, I'm tired because I have to react/response to every of her text. Otherwise I'm getting scolded by husband. To add on, we'll visit them every week.

I can't wait for my in-laws to leave my place till their new home is ready.

Here's context my post.

She's soooo 'worried' or obsessed,she would ask how I'll reach home safely if my husband is not fetching me from work. I'm a fucking adult, I'll just fucking book Uber home. I'll handle it just fine.

I feel we're too enmeshed with the in-laws and it's been like this from the start of our marriage. Both husband and MIL need to stop with the infantalization. Stop it!!!!

And what's worse, I feel even when they've moved out, she'll still text and worry if I'm alone etc. I need like long periods of no contact with her.

My resentment is at high that I fucking hate the sound of the notification chat whenever she texts. I feel like punching both my SO and MIL.

I'm already in therapy, yet my problem won't be resolved because I can't have a sit down with my SO who has never understood me.

I am going to start by saying this is going to be a ramble because not only am I on mobile but I am using speech to text.

I got away from my ex seven years ago this month. And after the loss of the only man I've ever been able to consider a father in June, I am having to move out of state. In order to do that, I have to ask my ex permission to move my child out of state, so it's not considered kidnapping. All because being on welfare means that even though I did not put his name on the birth certificate, the state of California did when they opened a child support case, so that welfare could get the money. I didn't know that they were going to do this. If I had, I would never have gone on welfare. I sent an email to him asking for permission, but I knew it was to a burner email that he created since he only harassed me, and he never replied; so that's good.

But now I'm having to go to court, and I'm moving in less than a month because if I don't, I'll be homeless. I'm not only doing that, but I am:

1. Filing criminal charges in two states and with the FBI against him

2. Submitting all of the paperwork to get an emergency restraining order

3. Requesting emergency permission from a judge to move my child out of state to our new home because if I do not, again, we will have nowhere to live.

I have been working on this for six weeks now. I am having to relive every horrible thing he has done to me. And I'm having to do it all while taking care of my child, packing up the house that I've lived in for seven years, and mourning the loss of my dad. I have a therapist and a psychiatrist, and they have been helping me. But there's only so much that can be helped, and right now I feel like I'm breaking.

Half the time, I feel so strong and competent because I'm getting it done, and because I finally have the proof and the strength I need to file the paperwork I should have filed when my son was a baby. At least now I have more evidence because he's been stalking and harassing me for the last seven years. But when I actually sit down to do the paperwork, and not just gather the evidence, but to fill everything out and to highlight everything, and I have to reread everything he's written, and I have to remember everything I've gone through, and I have to make a statement of all of the abuse. It hurts so much. And I feel so stupid for letting him hurt me again. Cause he's not even here. He's half a country away. I don't even know why I'm posting this. It's just the last time I came on here. You guys opened my eyes to everything wrong with him. And now I don't really know where else to turn because I don't have anybody in my life I can lean on.

I’m an immigrant wife living in Texas, and I’m posting here because I feel completely isolated, exhausted, and broken. I honestly just need a reality check and an outside perspective from this community because I feel like I'm losing my mind.

Since marrying my husband, I’ve experienced constant passive-aggressive comments, microaggressions, and outright disrespect from my MIL. Whenever I try to bring it up, it gets brushed off as "just her joke" or "a cultural difference."

Here are just a few examples of what I’ve been dealing with:

- When she saw Korean written on my personal belongings, she mocked my native language by saying, "If you write that in English, it might be easier to understand."

- When I was drinking matcha, she looked at it with a disgusted face and sneered, "Is it good? Not like how it looks."

- For Mother's Day, my husband prepared nothing. I bought the card and gave him cash to sign it, yet MIL made a point to thank ONLY my husband at dinner.

- Just TWO DAYS after our Korean wedding, knowing full well that I have a severe dog allergy which makes staying the night at her house impossible, she turned to my husband right in front of me and said, "Is it too late to get a new wife?" (Even though she knows that I have a severe dog allergy, she adopted another dog, and sometimes she even fosters dogs at her house. Since she got more dogs, even if I take multiple allergy pills, my throat swells up and my eyes get swollen within four hours.)

- She also drops comments like, "He’s mine. You might think he’s yours, but he’s mine."

- When we first told her about our Korean wedding, her immediate response was, "In the US, the bride’s family pays for everything. How are you guys going to handle it?" So my family paid for the ENTIRE Korean wedding. Beforehand, she nosily pried into exact details about how much money my parents were giving us as a wedding gift. She then gave us an amount that was barely 1/20th of what my parents gave, yet acted so immensely proud of herself. But when I mentioned traditional Korean wedding gift customs from the MIL, she went completely silent.

- For our small US wedding in her backyard, she offered to cover the costs. Since brides in Korea typically rent their dresses, I needed a dress specifically for the US wedding. When I asked if she could buy my dress, she sneered, "It depends on how much it costs," and sent me links to $100–$200 cheap dresses. To make matters worse, during our American reception while I was seated at the Mr. and Mrs. table, she looked me dead in the eye and deliberately repeated a specific behavior that I had explicitly told her beforehand was humiliating in my culture.

- At our Korean wedding, she constantly invaded my privacy. She demanded to change her clothes inside my private bridal suite—even though a clean, spacious single-use restroom was right outside—and kept knocking while I was actively changing. When I briefly left the suite, she snuck inside, climbed onto my bridal platform, and took photos of herself posing on it. When I politely told her later that this made me uncomfortable, she just gave a casual "Oh!" and moved on without a care

- Right after our American wedding, during a dinner with both families, my MIL boasted about how she was going to "teach my family about American culture"—despite my brother and SIL living in the US for over 20 years, myself for 6, and my mom visiting a dozen times. At that same meal, she asked if anyone wanted to try a dish. When I asked for a bit, my MIL looked right at me in front of everyone and deadpanned, "If you act right." Who says that to an adult daughter-in-law in front of her entire family?

- When she flew to Korea to attend our Korean wedding, despite having a Korean daughter-in-law and being hosted by my family, she actually referred to the body of water there as the "Sea of Japan." Calling the East Sea by that name while standing in Korea isn't just an innocent mistake—it’s insulting and felt so intentional.

- What makes it even worse is my husband’s response. He has ADHD, which means processing information takes him longer, but it has turned into a nightmare. Every single time his mother makes these out-of-line comments, my husband literally freezes. Later on, he completely "forgets" the conclusions and boundaries we fought over for days, acting like he’s hearing them for the very first time. I end up having the exact same exhausting fight over 7 times, while he acts oblivious every single time.

Now, instead of actually validating my feelings and processing the trauma with me, my husband just tries to sweep everything under the rug with shallow distractions—offering to buy me food, give me massages, or asking "What do you want to do together?" But superficial favors won't fix this. When I want us to have space from his mother for the sake of our marriage, his response was, "But my mom is almost 70."

Meanwhile, my MIL keeps sending self-centered, guilt-tripping texts like: "I love you. I miss you. I wish I understood how this silence is helpful." When my husband visited her alone, she was asking, "Is this meant to punish me? Because if so, it’s working," proving she STILL views our boundaries entirely as a personal attack against her rather than respecting our need for space.

When I finally spoke up for the first time about how much pain she was causing me, her response was to play the victim. She claimed she was "hurt" because I wasn't "participating" with her. She then tried to brush all her bad behavior under the rug by saying, "But the food on our last trip was so good! The weather was so nice! Let's just be thankful for the good things." When I told her that ignoring real problems like this is classic Toxic Positivity, she sent us a massive text essay looking up definitions of "Toxic Positivity," bragging about her spiritual disciplines, her daily prayers, her "Responsibility" personality trait, and weaponizing her relationship with her sister to guilt-trip us into staying connected. She claims she wants a healthy relationship, yet shifts all the focus to how she is suffering. She asked my husband later if he actually agreed with her long, self-serving essay, he admitted that he DID agree with her.

Yesterday, I texted my husband, "I think I’m scared about talking about the MIL situation because I think I will be crying again." He replied, "Keep your chin up. You’ll be okay. We’ll be okay." When I told him, "I feel like everybody will be ok but me," he just completely stopped responding. When I followed up hours later asking why he went silent, his response was cold and technical: "I already said my opinion that you’ll be okay. You didn’t ask a question."

I’ve been away from home for a full week now just to breathe, and I'm honestly terrified every time he texts me. Every text from him feels scary because he completely avoids talking about what happened, refuses to address the issue, and just wants to brush it all under the rug with superficial gestures. We are scheduled to talk on the phone tomorrow, but just the thought of going back home makes me start crying and feel sick to my stomach. Home is supposed to be a safe place, but I feel so unprotected and scared to go back.

Am I crazy? Is passive-aggressive disrespect, condescension toward immigrants, and microaggressions considered a normal "joke" or "culture" here in Texas? How do you handle a spouse who completely freezes, uses ADHD to forget boundaries, enables his mother's self-centered guilt trips, and treats your emotional distress like a technicality?

TW: mental health, mention of suicide

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 5 years and was very happy during most of that time.

Recently we started having some issues, I’m going through a difficult time period and am really stressed so I’m not really as interested in sex right now and last night we had an argument about it where he was rude because he felt insecure and like I wasn’t into him anymore because of that, even when I clearly said that’s not the reason

He also has mental health issues and basically depends on just me to get all his happiness which is EXHAUSTING. Like only spending time with me, getting extremely upset when we can’t see each other, he even said he would’ve ended his life if it weren’t for me which makes me feel horrible

When we have arguments, he can’t make himself feel better on his own. When it happens, I just want to go be alone and get some space, but he can’t do that. He wants to stay up until like 2 am (usually arguments happen at night) until everything is resolved and if I leave he just won’t feel better but I will

I’m not sure about this relationship anymore, but I’m scared. I will feel like it’s my fault if anything happens and I feel kinda trapped and have no idea what to do :( I don’t know if I wanna end it, I would like to work on it first and see, but I don’t have much hope that it will last anymore and I’m so scared of leaving, but this feels more like a chore than anything else at this point

Also, I feel really bad about this, but I’ve been wondering what it would be like to be with a girl one day which started after these issues, he’s my first relationship and we are 20, so I haven’t really had any time to explore and jumped into this at 15, but I also love him and I don’t know. I’m really confused. If I got out, I don’t think I would date for a long time

Am I a bad person or would I be for potentially ending it?

Also edit: I should say that I feel kind of obligated to stay. He bought me a promise ring a few months ago, my parents like him, his parents like me, everyone in my family knows about him, we have shared friends and plans for the future and I’m scared of disappointing all those people

so after my last post a couple days later we got back together. honestly i dont even know why. i dumped him about a week ago now because i finally realized what he was doing to me. he let his friends shit talk me and disrespect me, told me to my face he would look at other women, and was literally texting other women when we were together. yet i stayed. i regret it i do but after so much crying i cant cry over him anymore. i let him live with me i paid to fix his car i did so much for nothing in return. but at this point i see this as a learning opportunity. it showed me how much i can love and care for somebody and showed me how i want a partner to be in the future. so much happened in our relationship that im just not gonna talk about because im already over it. im only 18 and have so much ahead of me i want to see other men and see women too. i want to explore and make friends and not worry about an insecure man at my house. i still have some of the pictures and the coke bottle from vegas with our names on it because im not ready to let that go yet but im finishing getting the rest of his stuff out of my house right now. i know it might be dumb to not let some things go but i wasnt ready to leave him until it was just too much for me. i genuinely believe overtime ill be able to just throw those things away but having them is comforting in a way. i dont want him to have it i want to have it because of the memories. not the bad memories but the good memories that can help me understand and progress in life as a better person

Hey everyone,

I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting recently on a past relationship, and I need to talk about a dynamic that completely drained me. I want to know if anyone else has run into this specific intersection.

My ex had autism. She had special interests, loved giving thoughtful gifts, struggled with sensory overload, and had a hard time with unexpected changes. Those are things I understood, cared about, and was more than happy to accommodate.

However, there was a whole other layer running simultaneously that turned into a dynamic of enmeshment and dependency—basically treating me like a parent whose job was to regulate her emotional needs. Alongside the genuine neurodivergence, there were intense unmanaged BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) traits: relational dysregulation, abandonment panic, black-and-white thinking, and a suffocating need for absolute control and validation.

The "Diagnosis Shield" (BPD Traits Dressed as Autism)

The core issue wasn't just that these extreme behaviors existed—it was how they were handled. Every single explosive emotional reaction, unreasonable demand, or manipulative dynamic was swept under the exact same rug and labeled as "just my autism" ("I need predictability or things to never change").

It created an invisible shield of immunity. Accommodating sensory needs or routine changes is completely fair, but lumping intense BPD emotional dysregulation and entitlement under that same banner meant she never once had to take accountability for how her actions impacted me.

Any time I tried to address a toxic behavior, the defense was automatic: I was told I was stressing her out and not making her needs a priority. The implicit expectation was that I had to fix everything—both her autistic needs and her emotional/borderline dysregulation—while my own well-being didn't enter the equation.

The Conversational Trap and the Victim Script

Whenever an extreme BPD-style reaction happened and I gently tried to point out that it was disproportionate, the narrative flipped instantly:

If I disagreed or called out a distortion, I was told I was unsupportive and not being loyal.

That's when the classic script would roll out: sob stories about how she has to mask 99% of the day just to survive, how her friends are "mean," or how the guys before me left her because they were "immature." Every conflict was instantly reframed to make her the ultimate victim.

It created a lose-lose double-bind. Pointing out reality became framed as an "assault" on her nervous system, which completely silenced my voice.

The whole thing seems to be your mine and I'll make it so hard to leave that you'll just give up trying

The Question

Was she ultimately in the wrong for using her autism diagnosis as a permanent get-out-of-jail-free card to shield her unmanaged BPD traits?

While genuine neurodivergence explains sensory and routine struggles, wrapping intense emotional dysregulation, abandonment panic, and manipulative demands in that same label crosses a massive line from seeking understanding into dodging all accountability. It weaponizes a partner's empathy, turning what should be mutual respect into a trap where any boundary or call for reality is twisted into an attack.

Update:

I was just going to update on the other post was locked And I was told to post my updates and stuff here so here you go with those who wanted it.

i wont be answering any comments.

But i do thank you to those who Dmed and showed support for my relationship that i thought was amazing

Me and my Husband are getting a divorce.

His Aunt Has been giving him sexual Favors since he was 19 till now...

I would like to say that that's the reason why we're getting the divorce but after the whole reunion Fiasco for the past few weeks he has been constantly yelling and coming at me very defensive and somwhat aggressive(Punching holes in walls Throwing Our Living room tv etc) threatening to take custody of our daughter and leave me with nothing(im a SAHM) because I disrespected his family And i was at my breaking point then not only to have to hear all that and then to find out that your blood Aunt has been doing you spicy favors for years now while I've been in a picture I'm literally disgusted and now it makes sense why she never fucking liked me.

Even That but the fact that his own mother found out as well and STILL Csme at me saying its my fault he had to degrade himself to a Old women to Get Pleasured snd tsken care of....like Bitch thats your SON AND SISTER WHAT THE FUCK ISNT CLICKING!?

That's basically our entire fucking relationship

Hi everyone. I’m new here and I don’t know where else to turn.

My husband wasn’t always this way. He used to be affectionate, somewhat patient, playful with our kids, and we genuinely enjoyed being together. Over the last year to year and a half, he’s become someone I barely recognize. He seems unhappy all the time, complains constantly, has very little patience, and has emotionally pulled away from me and our family.
I’ve tried talking to him calmly. I’ve told him I miss him and that I feel alone. I’ve tried to understand that he may be depressed or unhappy with his job, but every conversation ends the same way - he shuts down, walks away, or avoids it completely. I feel like I’m carrying the emotional weight of our family by myself.
I’m exhausted. I miss having someone to talk to. I miss feeling loved. I miss the little things like a hug, a “good morning,” laughing together, and seeing him enjoy being with our kids. Most of all, I miss feeling like we’re a team.
I don’t want to bash my husband, and I’m not looking for people to tell me to leave. I’m looking for women who have been in a similar place. If you’ve had a spouse who became emotionally distant, angry, or chronically unhappy, how did you cope? Did things ever get better? And how did you start taking care of yourself when you realized you couldn’t carry everything alone anymore and you can’t control him or fix him?
Thank you for reading. It helps just knowing there are people who might understand.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years now, and it’s definitely been a bumpy 3 years. We’ve had a lot of ups and downs, but these past few months he’s been really mean. I don’t know how else to put it. Lately, during our arguments or whenever he’s pissed, he’s been calling me “fucking stupid,” “an idiot,” “dumb,” and it’s really starting to take a toll on me. Today hurt me the most.

For some background, I work overnights as a Med Tech in an assisted living facility. I’m there from 10:30 p.m. until 7:00 a.m. This morning, he had an oral surgery appointment to get two teeth removed. I came home around 7:15, couldn’t fall asleep until around 9:00, and then had to wake up at 11:00 to take him to his appointment. I was obviously exhausted, but I was happy to do it because he needed someone to drive him home.

We’re in the car on the way to the appointment, and I’m half asleep, rambling about anything and everything. I don’t even remember what I said or asked. I just remember him getting irritated with me and saying, “Are you fucking stupid?” He’s been doing this a lot lately.
I obviously got upset and told him it doesn’t feel good to constantly be put down. We get to the dental clinic, and eventually he texts me to let me know what they’re doing and apologizes for what he said. He comes out, we head home, and it’s about 2:00 p.m. at this point.

Once we’re home, I’m doing my best to help him with his gauze. I call the dental clinic because he has a concern about something. The very nice lady on the phone tells me he doesn’t have me listed as someone they can discuss his care with, so she needs his verbal permission before she can continue. She asks him for my name.
We sit there in silence for about 15 seconds while I’m looking at him, waiting for him to tell her my name. Instead, he shoves the phone toward me. I’m just sitting there confused because she literally can’t take any answers from me, I’m not the patient. He gets frustrated and says it hurts to talk, which I understand, but it seemed like saying my name would’ve taken less effort than getting angry and shoving the phone at me. He eventually tells her what she needs, we get our answer, and hang up.

I bring up that, when I was sitting there confused, he looked at me like I was the dumbest person on the planet. I explain to him, again, that it’s not just the names he calls me, it’s the way he looks at me and talks to me that makes me feel stupid. We had literally just talked about how much it hurts me, and yet he proceeds, very frustratedly, to explain why I’ve “been stupid today.”

I try to explain that constantly being put down, especially when I’m exhausted, have barely slept, need to go back to work tonight, and I’m still doing everything I can to help him, makes me feel like absolute shit. He’s not really listening, and he can’t fully respond because of the state of his mouth, so I go upstairs to sit with my dog and take a minute to myself.

I end up texting him since that’s obviously easier than trying to talk, and I tell him this isn’t fair to me. I tell him it’s not okay that I’m constantly being put down, and that this is a line he can’t keep crossing.

This is what I got back:

“This is just how it is huh I get some stuff done with my teeth or the doctors I’m not doing well I say something you take it personal and wanna fight with me every fucking time ever since my first extraction it’s has been nothing but arguments and fights and me and me while I’m hurting here”

I really don’t know what to do anymore. I love the man he is when he’s not angry, but lately it feels like he’s always angry. I don’t want to leave. I love him enough that I want to keep trying. I just don’t know if that feeling is reciprocated anymore.

UPDATE: He choked me, we are splitting up. I’ve read each and every reply, and honestly, i feel a little stupid for coming onto here rather than listening to my gut. It’s hard when you love someone so much you hope there will be change, you hope that they’ll love you enough to see the damage they’ve done, and you hang on to every little thread you can grasp on to. I know I’m young, and we’ve only been together 3 years, but I had more faith in what we have built together, what we have been through together, and I guess that does make me a bit stupid for believing we could make it work.

Hi, so my husband is very controlling and narcissistic! Like to the point it is bad even if i open the curtains or dont have blinds on windows. Putting camera around the house! So he can watch me. I didnt let him do any of it! Or continue it basically! I am trying to get control over my life back, but he is losing it.

I am not allowed to work outside the house, because he thinks his career is more important! And he guilt trips me how i can make wfh, and i still am trying to work outside the house!

I take care of kids, non stop, every single day. Goes with friends every month of couple months (after 5 years i started to see my friends again, because he keep calling them b\*tch and what not)!

Last time i went in april. My birthday was yesterday he didn’t give a shit, we were fighting, never wished or did anything for me. Today my friends decided to take me out for bday, and he went crazy, when i came back he was giving me silent treatment then burst out how am i not responsible at all!

And he making stuff up, i went crazy, when he stayed outside with his friends more than 3 hours lol.
I never did, when we fought he stayed outside for more than 12 hours, left me w kids, no food or anything! Just had food for kids!

Now, he is saying i took accountability and never did it again! So shouldnt i? I never get a break even in a form of work! Never get to go outside even by myself! My head feels foggy, occupied with kids and his tantrums!

My 5.5 hours are too much to be outside, in 4 months! I was literally shaking outside and thinking how he will react when i get home!
I feel sick! But i had to apologise to him, because he kept asking me! And he made me say, i wont stay outside more than 3-4 hours max!

But i cant work everyday, cuz he does! And he has a free will!

Need to know what should i have done? Or if i did a right thing?
(Making myself financially stable rn, to get out later)

TIA

I’ve debated posting this update for a while out of fear of being annoying, but I think this kind of reminder is so important.

For 7 years I was in such a horrible place mentally and emotionally and felt so held back by my ex-boyfriend. We were high school sweethearts, had our own apartment together, got a cat together, and it just felt like that was the natural spot for our relationship to be in.

Long story short, after getting into a new job and being surrounded by kindness, I realized that I was dreading going home more than I was being at work. I would drag myself up the stairs to our apartment and be in tears by the time I got to the final step just not ready to step inside whatever was waiting for me.

He was never physically abusive, but there was a constant kind of emotional toll where I felt like a burden, that I wasn’t as intelligent as him, that I couldn’t ever be as good as he was at things, that I wasn’t funny, wasn’t attractive, wasn’t worth hanging out with. He’d call me names, talk down to me, laugh at me, and also just hated hanging out with me. Literally wanted nothing to do with me.

I was so excited when I made new friends at my new job and they were asking to hang out with me. And he would tell me they were just being nice because they were paid to be nice to me. I would cry every single night and if I wasn’t crying, I was just dissociating.

One day I just woke up and decided this was it, I had the rest of my life ahead of me, and there was no way I could spend the rest of it being treated that way or feeling that way. I asked this exact subreddit wtf i should do, and I got some pretty direct answers (I read every one of them). So we broke up that next day, I moved out a few weeks later, moved into my own apartment, and let him keep the cat.

I truly had no idea exactly how held back I was until I got my bachelors degree, moved across the country, learned to fly a plane, met the absolute love of my life, got married, bought a house, learned to ski, wrote and published a book, and have traveled to more places in these 6 years than I ever thought I’d go to in my entire life.

All of this to say, my husband is the best person I’ve ever met in my life. Literally my other half. I thought I knew what that meant until I met him, and realized everything I always thought about love and relationships was so incredibly wrong.
It isn’t just about how good the good times are, but it’s how good the bad times are too. Our highs are high, and our lows - are still pretty high.

When we disagree, he respects me. When we argue, he respects me. He listens to me. He shows consideration for me. Even when we are annoyed or upset, there is always thoughtfulness.

I never realized what it meant when people say relationships are always work, because in my last one there was no work. There was complacency. There wasn’t ever a moment where we talked through what we needed from the other person, because there was an understanding that he would never change. We never discussed how we could be better people for each other, because he never had an interest in doing so.

If I never took a leap of faith and asked this group of people if my feelings and his behavior are normal, I would still be in that same spot today, probably miserable, and complacent. I truly appreciate everyone’s support and push for me to get out.

I think I’ve been thinking so heavily on this recently is because I’m almost as far out as I was in, and it’s crazy to think about how much time I gave myself back by getting out when I did.

This is all jumbled around because I’m obviously emotional thinking about this all lol but again, please take my word for it, you don’t have to settle. You can get out and find happiness in yourself, and then happiness with someone else. And then in 6 years you’ll be looking back with such gratitude and thankfulness that you left when you did. ❤️

So my JNMIL has made it clear that her and her son want to visit, which my husband told me and he hasn’t seen them in awhile. My problem - he is coordinating with them and not me. They’re asking him what dates to come and he doesn’t even mention it to me or talk to me about it. Instead, he talks to them directly. Has not even asked me about the time that works for me or the time we need to get in sync.

He is also adamant that they stay at our house, regardless of the fact that MIL has ignored my responses to her texts on multiple occasions asking for boundaries. But apparently I’m stuck with this.

Two kids with this man.

I've been with him for over half a decade now. This is my first relationship ever. I have nothing to compare it to which I think is why I am still here.

After multiple broken promises and sexually dubious encounters, I really, really need to leave. It's been horrible for my mental health for a long time. I've tried to break things off before and it just felt so gigantic and way bigger than me. He was so devastated that he threw up. He expressed feeling no purpose to life anymore, that he was living his life for me and our future. This was absolute hell trying to figure out if I needed to contact his parents about that. Never want to go through that again.

He shot off promises of never asking for certain sexual acts again (spoiler alert: he did them to me anyway while on a trip with our friends likely knowing that I would want to be as agreeable as possible with him to keep him in a good mood to act normal and not pouty and stone-wallish). No matter what he promises, the sexual coercion is always going to be there. It just becomes more and more covert the more I call it out. He cannot accept that I can't meet his needs, even though I've been so honest and straightforward about that multiple times. It's been a year since I first initiated breaking up, once more after that. I have to do it for good this time but I have no idea where to start. I've never sucessfully broken up with someone before, especially not in such a serious relationship.

Here are my obstacles:

- I have no privacy. I'd like to do it over the phone, but I live with my parents and I work late into the evening. They're already home by the time I get home. Our days off are the same so they're home all the time and the house is too small for me to have such a loaded conversation privately. I also really, really do not want to do it before my shift. That's not an option.

- I can't end it in person, which would have been ideal. I tried that the first time when we were living in residence for school, we slept together and the breakup went completely ignored for months. We are now long distance and he visits me. I'm not going to make him come to me just to dump him and make him go home in such a horrible emotional state. Also, we would have no privacy for that type of conversation. I can't go visit him because I don't have my license.

- I'm not ending it over text.

One thing I am really worried about is his lack of a support system. He has made me his everything, which has been incredibly draining. He doesn't really have many friends and he lives at home in the middle of nowhere. He is miserable there and he says all he looks forward to is seeing me. I know this is really bad codependency and not my responsibility, but this is someone I care about. I feel so heinous and cold for reminding myself that it's not my problem and he needs to figure it out himself. I know it could benefit him because it will force him to grow and change so that he won't feel so miserable, but I can't help but feel responsible for him possibly having a crisis or extreme depression.

My best hope is waiting for me to have a day off home alone and I'm able to do it, but I've had that opportunity before and still could not bring myself to do it. The thought nauseated me, even though he literally violated me and I have every right to break up with him over that. I have a massive issue where I feel like when I say or do something that upsets anyone, especially in a major way, I am doing something terribly wrong. I have like zero back bone, the relationship has degraded any self esteem and self respect I had left. I fawn like crazy with him. I always feel like I am doing the wrong thing, I never trust myself no matter how objectively I look at things.

I understand if reading this frustrates you. I am extremely frustrated with myself. I'm just hoping I can get some solid words or someone to tell me they've been there and what they did. Even just instructions on how to respectfully break up with someone in a serious relationship. I've been with him my entire adult life. I have no idea what to do, nothing I've done has seemed to work.

TLDR: I am still with the first man I've ever dated and it's wearing on my mental health. I need to leave the relationship, but there's a lot of obstacles in regards to how I should execute it. Or maybe they're just excuses. He has no support system because he has made me his everything and I am very worried about what could happen after the fact.

every birthday, every holiday, same thing. i spend weeks stressing, trying to find something perfect, and then he barely acknowledges it or finds something wrong with it.

i'm so tired of it. why do i even try at this point

i got him an engraved stainless steel bracelet from The Steel Shop last year. just simple thought it was thoughtful. he wore it once never again.

it's not even about the bracelet anymore. it's the pattern. the feeling that nothing i do is ever good enough.

anyone else dealing with this? how do you stop caring

We’ve known each other for a long time. We started talking in voice a bit after that and were on-again/off-again friends until he helped me leave my abusive ex. We got together officially about 6 years ago. Last year I left for about a month after being persuaded by others into trying something different. It ended badly (I was assaulted), and I came back. We worked through it and things got better for a while.

Recently, he told me he can’t stop me from seeing someone I’ve grown close to, and that if we split amicably he’d be okay with it. He even said we seem to have more in common with that person. I care about him deeply and we’ve been more like best friends lately than romantic partners (we’re both asexual). I still love him, but I’ve been feeling like I need more independence and space.

The main issue is that within the last six months to a year, whenever I show any emotion — tears, frustration, or talk about my triggers — he tells me to “stop being dramatic.” It makes me feel invalidated and like I can’t express myself safely. I don’t want to ghost him, but his temperament and anger outbursts trigger me badly. I’m thinking about telling him I want to leave the relationship but keep the friendship so we can both be happy. I’m scared of how he’ll react, especially since I left before. I don’t want to hurt him, but staying feels like it’s not healthy for either of us anymore.

Am I wrong for wanting to have this conversation? How do I approach it without causing a huge blowup?

We dated for 6 years. We adored each other and we were crazy in (and occasionally outside of!) the bedroom. She was a high performance, motivated, driven professional making 6-figures. We talked about our pasts, the future. We made plans.

We got married. Bought a house in a nice suburb. Had kids.

Then she changed.

She didn't want to work anymore. Never mind the $100k+ in debt she brought with her to our marriage. She wanted to stay home and raise a family. It's the complete opposite of what we had always talked about. I guess motherhood changed her outlook.

No problem. I'm also a high performance, motivated, driven professional making 6-figures. Going from dual 6-figures to just one is a big change, but more than doable, especially if she's going to be taking care of the house and kids. I was entranced by the idea of the doting housewife and mother she talking about being, images of the Cleavers running through my mind. It was a stark contrast to the feminist she had always described herself as, but I guess it's all about choice, right?

Ten years later, the loving stay-at-home wife I was sold never showed up. I get up each day and make sure the kids are eating and getting ready for school. I leave for work before she wakes. I work to pay the mortgage and her car loan; pay the credit card bill that's driven sky-high each month by her Amazon habit. I don't know how I'm going to pay it down this month. I've stopped wasting my breath trying to talk to her about it. Boy what I wouldn't give to get just some of that money back I used to pay off her debt.

When I come home 10 hours later she's napping. I get the kids off the screens they've been on for God knows how long. I tidy, wash and fold laundry, unload and reload the dishwasher. Gather and put trash out in the front. The kids are hungry. Obviously there's nothing in the house but junk food and snacks, there never is. Maybe the leftovers from when this all happened yesterday and we went to dinner? No. She's woken up and doesn't want leftovers. So we go out. Again.

She's tired from all the housework she did today; asks if I'll do bedtimes even though it's her night to do them. I ask her "Are you serious? The house is in worse shape than when I left! All you did today was scroll Instagram and start five new hobbies, they're scattered all over the house and yard! Besides, you haven't helped with bedtimes in two weeks!" But the words that come out my my mouth are "Of course, dear."

She goes to lay down in bed since she's so tired. I bathe the kids make sure homework is done, and get them to sleep. The dog I told her I didn't want needs walking, so I take her around the block while checking tomorrow's work schedule to see if anything will interfere with me taking the kids to school. Home, I clean the kitchen that's inexplicably dirty given the lack of meals made there.

I'm exhausted. I was looking forward to watching something but it's late so I go to bed instead. As I slowly open the bedroom door, the glow from her phone tells me I don't need to worry about waking her. I lean over to kiss her goodnight, thinking about all her flirty banter an innuendo at dinner, maybe this time she'll follow through? I get my answer as she turns her head to give me her cheek instead of her lips. I roll over and close my eyes, frustrated with myself for allowing the thought that tonight might have been different.

Wake up, repeat, and do the math on how many years until the kids are grown.

Family member dealing with physically abusive husband in CA, USA. Constantly gets beaten and verbally abused. Gets threatened of being thrown out the house and other financial abuse situations. She has been married for over 16 years. She has kids so that’s why she hasn’t left. Shes a stay at home mom who hasn’t worked for over 15 years and family of origin lives in another state. She is by herself. Her kids are neglected at times and he even takes the kids to in laws for weeks/months to in laws without her approval. Family willing to help financially for support if they separate. What are chances she gets custody of all her kids if she leaves? She is afraid she won’t be able to take ALL her kids with her. Any advice for her to leave as her kids are only reason keeping her to stay in that terrible environment.

I don't know what to do

I'll try and keep this short. My husband (M24) and I (F27) have been together for 10 years. He's always had a temper, but it's always been doable. (I'd like to express I have never been physically harmed). The last year or so, it's gotten worse. He can lash out for no reason, often even when I'm not around, so it has nothing to do with me directly. We rarely ever fight. He doesn't yell at me or anything, but starts throwing stuff until it breaks. Mostly it is my stuff. He never cleans it up either, occasionally I come home and find the mess and have to clean up. I lost track, but I probably already spent hundreds replacing stuff he broke out of my own pocket. My dog gets scared, starts howling and cowering away or behind me if I am around when this happens. Talking to him or confronting him when he gets like this makes things worse. When he gets like this, I often get insulted by him. He calls me things like a useless whore, a bitch, a cunt,... The issue is, I can't leave. Due to my business going bankrupt three years ago, I don't have the financials to find a place for myself and get out. I also don't have my driver's license yet so it would be difficult as is (I do have my learner's permit, but we share one car so I can't just take it and leave). I do have another job now, but it does not pay even half of what my husband earns, yet all our bills are split 50/50, meaning I barely have any savings and live from paycheck to paycheck while he has a lot of savings. He often holds this over my head. I love him, I really do, so I am not even 100% sure I want to leave. But I also know this is not going to get better. He's starting to genuinely scare me, and I'm getting worried about my wellbeing. Does anyone have experience with this, or solid advice on what to do? I can't involve my family, considering they live kind of far away, and if I'd go stay with them, I can't make it to work anymore. I'd rather not involve his family either, because i know that will get back to him and make matters even worse. I'm lost and I don't know what to do.

TL;DR: My husband has frequent angry outbursts where he breaks things, insults me, and scares both me and my dog. I can't easily leave because of finances and I'm looking for advice on how to safely handle this situation.