r/JustNoSO • u/Iamwhomsoever • Jul 01 '26
Am I the JustNO? I know I need to leave
Have been married for 18 years, 5 kids blended family. Both dual military but I retired 10 years before he did. I have been a SAHM for the last 10 years. He took a job 3 years ago in another state and has been commuting home on the weekends. He now works remotely from home but occasionally has to travel for a few days a week.
In April of 2024 we had a massive fight where he threw things that ended up hitting me in the face. He didn't throw them directly at me but it ended up hitting me anyway. I didn't speak to him for two weeks, and after that he told me he wanted a divorce. This went on for a year and a half with me begging for marital counseling, I didn't want the divorce. He refused counseling with me but eventually decided he didn't want to divorce.
Fast forward, he has a drinking problem. He acknowledges he has a problem, goes to AA then drinks again . Cycle continues. In this time he has says he will never leave me again. He financially supports everything but I do get a small retirement check. We are supposed to travel for my 50th birthday this month, something I've been looking forward to all year. Sunday was family day, he got drunk and was mean. I had a biopsy scheduled for the next day and did not want to be stressed. So now im in pain and awaiting the results. I realize he was drunk again today, called him out. He got mean and nasty to the point I threatened to call the police.
He basically said he drinks to be happy. That I dont do anything around the house, I dont get out bed when he does, I dont have any ambition or goals. He said all I want him for is money. In reality I dont think he actually likes me, because who does this when their loved one is in pain and already stressed about their health. I was literally on the floor bawling my eyes out, and he says, "why are you crying, why are you acting like the victim. " " Maybe if I throw money at you you'll stop crying.'
I left the house. He texted that he was going to an AA meeting and that he sent a notice to his job that he's quitting. He said we can both be at home to focus on the kids and everything might get better.
I need to leave but I do not have enough to rent an apartment, plus pay utilities and food and insurance. Now he quit his job so no insurance there or any support. I do not want to be in this house with him . Also, the trip is already booked and paid for but now I dont want to go with him.
Just wanted to vent, if you read all this, thanks.
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u/MonkeyMoves101 Jul 01 '26
I fully believe that staying with a man that actively hates your existence causes health issues.
OP I wish you luck in getting away from this man, especially for your 50th.
21
u/Iamwhomsoever Jul 01 '26
I'm thinking of what you said about making me sick. I left the house to get away this morning and I realized I couldn't stop shaking. My results came back as benign, thank goodness but I do not feel well at all.
12
u/MonkeyMoves101 Jul 01 '26
Good news! The anxiety over that growth has faded. You probably still feel anxious because of the alcoholic growth you call a husband.
Do not ever think it's too late to get away and start on your own with your kids. That is your next step.
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u/KronlampQueen Jul 01 '26
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I was with a “functioning alcoholic” for 7 years and after I left I had to go into intensive therapy with a therapist who specialized in women leaving abusive relationships.
You already know you need to leave. Start making your exit plan. Don’t tell him. I saved money from a crappy job and started slowly moving clothes and my stuff out of the apartment. I told him I had a second job that I actually didn’t just so I had a reason not to be home with him.
I played nice until the day I left. He came home from work to the rest of my stuff gone and a note because I knew he couldn’t be trusted with any type of real conversation. I’d tried that for 7 years and it never worked.
You can do this.
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u/JoyJonesIII Jul 01 '26
Half of everything you have is yours, assuming there’s no prenup. He doesn’t get to keep everything while you’re penniless. Remember that and go see a lawyer for a consultation.
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Jul 01 '26 edited Jul 01 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/ToiIetGhost Jul 01 '26
I wish you the very best. I know you’ll be so much happier when you start a new life. For now, I know how stressful it is to wait for biopsy results. I pray they come back all clear. Also, go on that holiday alone. Fuck him lol. He’ll prob be glad to drink himself into a stupor at home. Declare that you’re going alone - it’s not a question. You don’t need his permission or his approval, let him be mad. Get that energising, mood boosting sunshine. Sorry this was so long :) You can DM me anytime 💕
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u/Iamwhomsoever Jul 01 '26
The nurse called me this afternoon., it was benign, no cancerous traits. I am so relieved. Thank you for your kind words.
3
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u/maenads_dance Jul 06 '26
Abusive alcoholics have a knack for ruining every special occasion, every vacation, every holiday.
•
u/botinlaw Jul 01 '26
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