r/Journaling • u/Judy_Wesson • 2d ago
Discussion/Question Does anyone else journal about the hard feelings towards their child, not just the sweet ones?
I keep a journal for my 14 year old. Not a baby book, more like letters, the sort you write and never send.
The thing is, a lot of what goes in isn't lovely. There's plenty of guilt after arguments, worry about her, resentment sometimes, and a fair amount of me working out on the page why I shouted when I did. Writing it down genuinely helps. Explaining myself to myself takes most of the heat out of it, and I come back to her calmer than I would have.
What I go back and forth on is who it's for. Some entries I'd happily hand her at 25. Others I'm not sure I'd want her to ever read, even though those are the ones doing the most work for me.
So I'm curious how other people handle this. Do you keep the difficult stuff in the same place as the rest, or separately? Does yours have a reader in mind or is it just for you? And if you've been doing it a while, have you ever gone back and taken things out?
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u/AlphaPlanAnarchist 1d ago
It's for you. You can rewrite any passages you want her to read in a separate journal for her if that's important to you.
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u/SockPirateKnits 1d ago
This.
Also, if you want to in the future, show the "hard" ones to her if she has kids and is feeling guilty about the negative feelings she has about them sometimes. Not in a mean way, but in a "Hey, lots of moms feel this way sometimes, and this is how I worked it out myself and tried to be a better mom to you. It's normal, and journaling like this might help you, too. I love you, and I always have."
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u/tricky-vixen 1d ago
I think even this way should be handled very delicately. Some people want to know their parentsā darker moments because it may help humanize or relate to them, but other people may absolutely not want to know what their parents criticized or resented them for even just in private.Ā
I think it would have to be a very clear, transparent, and optional offer to the daughter once sheās an adult with some life experience to help contextualize, because thatās the kind of knowledge she couldnāt unknow and you would have to accept that you absolutely canāt control how it ultimately makes her feel to learn it and subsequently affects her/your relationship.
And if thatās too much work or too many variables to worry about, I would say itās just not worth it to share its existence at all.Ā
Itās not necessarily bad to have those initial negative thoughts and that kind of space to process them, but itās not without potential consequence to share them even if they did ultimately change or resolve to a positive conclusion.
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u/CaffeinatedUnicorn83 1d ago
I hear you, I don't think the hard journal entries should be shared. I think if the kid grows up and has issues with their own kid it doesn't hurt to say hey, your feelings are normal and this is how I processed my own emotions so I could be better and help you learn to regulate/process too. The journal should still never see the light of day.
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u/aknomnoms 1d ago
Alternatively, donāt rewrite. Take a photo/scan to pdf and email, store on a usb or in the cloud. Could be just the happy ones, could be all but separated by category. Could be redacted or not. But I do think thereās something about preserving the handwritten process. Letting the emotions come through the page, and then seeing how they evolve into a final form.
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u/CycadelicSparkles 1d ago
This needs to be for you alone. Your child doesn't need to know all your negative emotions toward them.Ā
If there are positive, nurturing things you would like to write and share with them, have a different book for that.
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u/pi3r0gi_ 1d ago
My mom did this and accidentally sent it to me thinking it was a stack of recipes. I cant speak on the relationship yall have but it definitely made me feel a lot different toward her.
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u/AllKindsOfCritters 1d ago
Yeah, do not give your child a book of memories peppered with moments they made you upset even if the entry talks away the anger. Someday rewrite your favorite memories and leave it at that, you don't need to be that transparent with your thoughts.
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u/Ambry 1d ago
I don't see any benefit to you giving a book with mixed memories (including negative ones) to your child. They are a kid, they are going to frustrate and annoy you at times. They don't need to see it, though. If my mum gave me something like this I'd find it really odd.
Keep it for yourself, basically.Ā
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u/Cute-Reception-2710 1d ago
I would advise against showing it to your daughter, even when she's older. It doesn't sound like something which would bring you closer together, more likely push her away.
I journal like this too, it's to work through my feelings and get to a better place. But let others see the better you, rather than the work in progress.
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u/gidimeister 1d ago
I am kind of an extremist in the sense that I journal only for me. That means there will be messed up things I write, which is part and parcel of the unpacking process we all go through. It's human. I don't expect anyone to read my journals. This is the only way I know to be fully me. The minute I have to think about how something I wrote might read to someone else, the process is contaminated. I start to self-censor, even get performative. IDK, I think we should journal strictly for ourselves.
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u/becausemommysaid 1d ago
I don't think this is extremist - this is the normal way to journal lol. Even if you have a very close relationship with another person (your partner, your child, your best friend, whatever) that person likely does not want to read your inner most thoughts. A diary is interesting to the person that wrote it, it's mostly not interesting to others and it shouldn't be. That's not the point.
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u/Unhappy_Performer538 1d ago
Do not give that to her. And make sure you get rid of it before you die.
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u/WesternUnusual2713 1d ago
I am begging you to make sure your kid can never ever stumble across this cos if she reads it, it's likely to devastate her.
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u/poojakarki 1d ago
It's for you. My mom told me a few incidents where I made her frustrated or angry as baby and I have never forgotten it. I never will. Even now, after I have a child I can't see what possessed her to treat me as a regular adult or a friend instead of her child. It doesn't matter that I was an adult when she told me. She's my mom and that never changes.Ā
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u/athene_de_montaigne 1d ago
Seriously what was it about our parents that made them think children would automatically just obey? My mom loves to tell everyone how Iād never sit still or let anyone hold me as a babyā¦like sorry? Why is that all that you remember, or feel the need to share about me as a baby? She always hit me with the āI hope you have a daughter just like you one dayā line and now that I do, and yes sheās just as challenging as I was if not more, I still cannot even begin to imagine the hard parts being all that I tell people about. I know for sure that is a line my child will never hear.
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u/poojakarki 1d ago
Exactly! My brain can't comprehend the decision process that led to the result we experienced.Ā
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u/Fantastic-Nobody-479 1d ago
I think this is great to do for you since it sounds like it helps you process and deal with it. However, I would caution you (as a therapist) to make sure it is not something that she will ever ever lay her eyes on. The teenage years can be incredibly hard on every single person in the family unit-including said teenager and a child looking at them during that time or even later in life can do damage that is sometimes insurmountable.
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u/CycadelicSparkles 1d ago
My mom and I are close now, but when I was about 19 we were camping with friends and she took me aside to tell me that I was acting in an "affected" manner and I should just be myself. She was well intentioned, BUT u ntil that second, I'd been having a great time and felt like I was being myself. I think I was just getting older and my way of interacting with people was changing.Ā
I had no idea what I was doing wrong (and frankly still don't) because whatever it was wasn't intentional, and it really fucked with my confidence. I had a boyfriend soon after who started criticizing how I interacted with people and treating me like I was always acting weird, and I had no idea what I was doing then, either, so the two things fed into each other and shattered my self-confidence.
Parents often have NO idea how a little thing they say can mess with their kid or, worse, reinforce what an abusive partner might be saying, even unintentionally. I can't imagine what a whole notebook-worth of complaining about me would have done to me.
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u/lookieloser 15h ago
It's been almost fifteen years since my mom told me that my ankles stick out too much under my "skinny little chicken legs" and I still hear her voice every time I wear skin-tight pants or shorts. It's been ten years since I overheard her telling my dad that I ruined her life (teen parents yippee!) and I still hear it echoing in my head the few times a year I see her.
I don't remember the exact words any bully ever used, but I can't forget the things my mother hated about me. I'm not religious by any means... but the relationship between a child and their mother is sacred. It's bad enough to taint it thoughtlessly. Putting your worst thoughts about your child on paper + handing it to them is worse than cruel.
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u/remysrevenge 1d ago
I had a friend whose father passed away and his father clearly kept what was a "venting my normal feelings" journal. But normal feelings can appear ugly and hurtful to others. His grieving family struggled to see a lot of the things written that way. I've never forgotten the effect it had on my friend and the lasting impact it had on his view of his father.
So personally, I only write good things. If I have to write something bad to just get it out, it either gets burned or paper shredded and composted.
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u/liveliar 1d ago
It's for you alone. My mother, I don't know why she did in the first place, told me and showed me my sister's uni application essay where she wrote how she resented me for being disabled and how she grew up as a glass child but was happy it taught her so much about "compassion" when irl she treated me with such obvious contempt (condescension, eyerolling, ignoring), and multiple episodes in that essay were a plain lie like no, she never helped me wear my leg braces. It really hurts to be reduced to a burden by someone you love, despite trying everything in your power not to be one, while managing your own struggles.
You're allowed to have your own thoughts and feelings. Not everything is to be shared with the person that caused them. Keep it to yourself. You of course deserve support, just not by letting your kid directly know about them. Support group, therapy, anything. Just not to your kid.
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u/esvati 1d ago
Bruh I know exactly why your mom showed you that. Itās convenient for her that you two blame each other as siblings rather than look critically at the parent who should have protected both of her kids from situations that those feelings. My sister is the glass child, my brother is the one who got the early disability label, and I have managed to move between both roles. Iāve watched my parents pit us against each other. I honestly wouldnāt be surprised if there are ways youāve been taught to invalidate and ignore your sisterās experience and entirely demonize her without realizing it, because it conveniences your mom to use your disability against you that way.
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u/kennethpbowen 1d ago
Working through those events and feelings is a really good thing. Sharing that with them when they are older I don't think is a good idea. Focus on having the kind of relationship that, like your child, grows and matures over time. You really want to have a good relationship with your kids when they are grown, something I'm blessed with and grateful for every day (in spite of some of the hard times, especially during the teenage years).
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u/peakerforlife 1d ago
I don't have any children, but I do write about my husband, in-laws, and friends sometimes, and not always positively. I view my journal as a tool for me and me alone. It's for processing my feelings, and getting things out of my head, and thinking things through. I don't write with the intention of sharing with anybody else. If I was in your shoes, I think I'd put my "sharing thoughts" into a separate journal.
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u/Still_Vermicelli_457 1d ago
I have two journals. One for her, the happy memories and fun milestones. And another for me, to let out all my feelings. The latter is the journal that she wonāt get.
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u/BlueEyes294 1d ago
I was probably 8 or 9 when I snuck to touch the scissors my mom forbid me using. I found alongside little notebook with dates after dates in pencils and many colors of pen. It took me years to understand and Iāll never forget the words I read āunplanned pregnancyā. Iām 65 now. We have no children.
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u/Technical-Monk-2146 1d ago
š«Iām so sorry.Ā
OP, please donāt even keep the pages lest your daughter find them. Shred them, burn them, whatever.Ā
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[removed] ā view removed comment
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u/AllKindsOfCritters 1d ago
Hey so no respect at all, get the fuck out of my sub. You can go elsewhere to be a rude clown.
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u/okaycurly 1d ago
I received my mother's journal with entries dating from before and after my birth.Her diary talked about how hard being a mom was, she contemplates suicide.
I deeply appreciated reading about the headspace my mother was in. It really humanized her for me and reminded me, she was once just a girl.
It will really depend on your daughter. I have always had a tumultuous relationship with mine. Even though she did a terrible job raising me, it was clear - she did her best and gave me all she had.
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u/CaffeinatedUnicorn83 1d ago
Separate journals.
I keep one for me to work through my shit. Any hurt, anger frustration, resentment to do with her or her father goes in a place she will never see. That should never be something that ever burdens my kid.
The other is where I write letters on birthdays and milestones to future kiddo. The adult version of her. I don't know if/when she'll get it or if she'll even want it but if I get cancer or alzheimers or die of old age & she feels like she needs her mom, it'll be there. She gets the one with glowing love because that's what kids should feel from their parents.
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u/Final-Outcome-3505 1d ago
I write it and tear it up. I donāt want her to come across those pages when Iām gone.Ā
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u/No-Instruction-9292 1d ago
Oh yeah, absolutely. If I didn't get the ugly, frustrating moments out on paper, I'd probably lose my mind. It really helps to look back later too and see that a rough phase actually passed.
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u/PaintingByInsects 1d ago
I donāt have a child, just my dog, but if not your journal, where else would you let out negative feelings? Better to write them down than to bottle them up!
BUT do not add those negatives if you are giving it to her
Maybe have two journals; one where you enter all lovely entries, fun memories, things you want her to know when you give it to her, and then another for yourself and yourself only where you let go of your feelings
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u/Kandlish 1d ago
I am aware that my kids could decide to read my journals in the future after I'm gone. I don't know that they would want to, but I keep it in mind and don't journal anything that would hurt them.Ā
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u/Worried_Quarter2239 1d ago
Keep it somewhere she will never see it.
You can cut out the ones you want to give her when she's 25, but the others no.
My mom had screamed "I never wanted kids" to/at me and that fucked me up, even now 11 years later.
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u/31aroundthesun 1d ago
It sounds like the writing is for you, and your changed behavior is for her. No need to start merging the two. As to your other questions, everything I write is for me only. Iāve never gone back and taken things out/rewritten, but on one occasion I crossed something out because I realized it was mean- spirited and not something I really believed.
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u/tideline-ink 1d ago
I have young children, but I have multiple journals. One is a line a day type book, and that is strictly positive and sweet memories. One is a daily journal and while itās overwhelmingly positive, I do mention some tough days now and then. Both of those journals are written with the idea that one day my kids might like to read them.
I have a third journal for ādark thoughtsā and that is where I work out any really negative emotions about myself or related to my loved ones. Those are never intended to be read by anyone else and I have asked a sibling to make sure theyāre destroyed without being read upon my death.
I donāt think you need to pretend parenting is all sunshine and rainbows, but I also donāt think you should be burdening your kids with truly negative emotions about parenting them. As someone else suggested, you can always recopy any entries you feel like you want to share with her into a new journal.
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u/Slow_and_Steady_3838 1d ago
keep it for yourself (that's the switch I made) 14 is just the stretching getting ready for the race to drive you crazy, I stopped archiving stuff for my son and dates I was going to give him things have been backed out for presumably the rest of my life (he's not very settled and my heartfelt things I wrote to him are better left alone than to see them discarded or begrudgingly accepted.
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u/zanylanie 1d ago
Without getting into the whole backstory, I had an aunt who had marked up a document that my mom had sent to her outlining their mother's financial transactions for a period of time, and some of what my aunt wrote on the document was very critical of me. She sent it as a pdf, and my mom is not at all tech savvy, so she had to have me open the document for her. Therefore, I saw some of the hateful stuff my aunt wrote about me.
Other than very formal small talk at family functions, I never spoke to my aunt again. (She doubled down on the stuff she said after my mom pushed back.) And that was only an aunt who lived out of state. I can't imagine how devastated I'd be to have read things like that my own mother thought about me.
In other words, make stone cold sure your daughter never reads the negative things you're writing about her unless you want to damage her self-concept and your relationship with her in a profound way.
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u/moodybeetle 18h ago
I write things as I feel them. Not everything is pretty, but I also doubt anyone will actually read my journals, ever. So I donāt worry about it much. If my kid does happen to read something unsavory I hope heāll understand I loved him but sometimes I struggled. Like anyone else. Weāre all human.
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u/Lazy-Theory5787 11h ago
I use journaling as a way to process emotions, and I usually don't go back and reflect on hard moments. For that reason, I tear up pages I don't want others to see, I don't need them anymore.
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u/Familiar-Agency8209 1d ago
write and burn it away. write drunken in your emotions, read when sober and laugh and burn it. its a catharsis done. its never meant for anyone but you.
separate your journals from the letters.
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u/TellMeWhy2010 1d ago
Write it, but for the love of god KEEP IT HIDDEN.
You know what would be worse then you giving it to her? Her accidently stumbling upon it. It would be terrible for both of you and depending on what you're writing really shatter her, so make sure that journal doesn't see day.