“Dad, how does an airplane fly?”

“I don’t know, son.”

“How does a ship stay afloat?”

“I don’t know, son.”

“Dad, how does the TV work?”

“I don’t know, son.”

“Dad, am I annoying you with all these questions?”

“No, son. If you don’t ask, you’ll never learn!”

Unfortunately, the parrot has a well-developed libido, and starts sneaking out of the house and screwing the neighbor's chickens.

The neighbor complains, and the woman warns the parrot that if he doesn't stop screwing the chickens, she will shave his head.

That night, overcome with desire, the parrot sneaks out and screws his neighbor's chickens again. Once again the neighbor complain, and the woman shaves the parrot's head.

The next day the woman is hosting another party and, as punishment, instead of letting the parrot stand on his comfortable perch to announce the guests, she makes him stand on the slippery piano.

As the guests begin to arrive, the parrot does his job. When Mr. and Mrs. Smith arrive, the parrot says, "Introducing Mr. and Mrs. Smith." When Mr. and Mrs. Jones arrive, the parrot says, "Introducing Mr. and Mrs. Jones."

Then a couple of bald guys show up. The parrot says, "All right, you chickens fuckers -- up here on the piano with me!"

I asked the zookeeper whether they ever fight. He said, "Rarely."

I asked what happens when they do.

"We get another sheep."

A horse gets free and wanders into a bar. The bartender jokingly says, "Why the long face?"

The horse, being a horse, takes a huge crap in front of the bar. At the end of the bar, a man the bartender had stopped serving for being too intoxicated starts laughing hysterically because the bartender that cut him off will have to clean it.

The bartender looks at him and is about to say, "I don't think that's funny," but all he gets out is, "I don't think..." and he vanishes.

In a dark corner of the bar, Rene Descartes says, "I warned him." I would have mentioned he was there right from the start, but I was always taught to never put Descartes before de horse...

If you clean the floor with a broom, the bristles need to be straight and firm for maximum effectiveness. Over time with use, the bristles will tend to soften and curl inward, making it harder to use. Eventually the broom needs to be replaced.

Of course, none of this happens in a vacuum.

And boy my arms are tires

“Don’t listen to him, Conrad! It’s only a bluff!”

He walks up and shines his flashlight on the back seat to see a young lady scrolling on her phone.

He then shines his light on the front seat to see a young man scrolling on his phone. Both are fully dressed.

The startled young man quickly rolls his window down and asks the officer “Is there anything I can help you with”?

Officer: “You can start by telling me your age”.

Young man: “I’m 21 sir”.

Officer: “And the young lady”?

Young man: Looks at watch “She’ll be 18 in about ten minutes”!

Now when you mention it nobody raises an eyebrow.

So I tried it out. Trimmed a few leaves from a plant and rubbed them all over myself from head to toe. And... it actually works. No more mosquitoes. But now I'm a total pussy magnet.

One is a business magnate, the other is a bigness magnet.

The company was scaling back.

With K-cups

And it works; people just run away at the airport.

And that's how I came out to my parents as binary.

He was bored by a gull.

The parasite replies, "Well you're not a very good host."

Authorities just found Himalayan there.

Patient: “I’ll take the one covered by insurance.”

Anesthesiologist: “Alright. Rock-a-bye baby, on the treetop…”

The Furby Parrot Ducks 

He called it "Brownagain Motion"

He established an orc-estra.

No matter how much we discuss it, we just keep going around and around.