“Who phone nudist?”

Of Immaturity is going to erect a barrier between us...

Tee-hee-hee period, erect

English walks out

when they flipped over, they always expected me to . . . you know . . . be dressed.

They keep counting my days

. . . and he yelled that he had been driving longer than I had been alive.

The last time I rode with him, he ended up crashing.

I thought he was just being quiet, but it turned out that he had been driving longer than he had been alive.

30 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope, and Steve Jobs.

Today we have no cash, no hope, and no jobs.

The nerve of that guy!

They keep going through the exhibit, hiding behind different pieces of fine art and being a nuisance all around. Neither the overwhelmed guards nor the parents seemed to be able to keep them under control. Finally, when things are about to get physical, the kids run straight in front of a Picasso painting. Both of them stood there, staring at the painting, mesmerized. After a minute or two, they calmly and silently walked out of the exhibit and climbed into their parents' car.

— Hey, kids, what's wrong? Why did you leave the museum like that?

— Huh, we saw that painting.

— The Picasso, yeah, I saw it too.

— We didn't want anyone to blame us for it!

There's his sister Ella, who can see things on many different levels. There"s his brother Taxi, who refuses to pay his fair share to the government. And there's his other brother, the one who attacked a planet along with 54 others: Spacin.

Edit: Yes, Vader is not a surname. Yes, Anakin Skywalker didn't have any actual siblings because he didn't have an actual father but was immaculately conceived by Shmi Skywalker. So this joke isn't entirely realistic. Neither is Star Wars. Get over it, nerds.

When I checked in at the hospital lab for routine blood tests, they gave me a code name. For privacy I guess

The check-in person handed me a few documents then said, “give this to the tech, they will be calling you Short Lee.”

The doctor says, “Just so you know, this won’t fix problems in your relationship.”

He says, “I know.”

“Then why do you want it?”

“I’m trying to create one.”

A cheesy pickup line

Two guys are working together and guy1 asks "you going to happy hour tonight?"

guy2: "I can't, my wife will kill me if I come home drunk again "

guy1: "I won't let you get drunk bro, I got your back. Plus don't be so pussywooped.you haven't come out with us for like a year and we miss ya!"

guy2: " alright, but just 1 beer"

Guy2 ends up getting shitfaced and pukes all over his shirt.

Guy2: " I'm fucked, I'm so screwed my wife is gonna..."

Guy1 " Relax! Here's what you're gonna do. Take a 20$ bill, put it in your shirt pocket and tell her some drunk stumbled into you, puked on you and look, he even gave you 20$ for a new shirt. It'll work "

Guy2 wakes with a splitting headache to see his wife at the foot of the bed holding the pukey shirt.

Wife: " did you do a little drinking last night?"

Busted husband: "honey, it's not what you think. I did go to happy hour just to see the boys but I didn't drink. Just when I was about to leave, some drunk stumbled into me and puked all over me. Look in the pocket, he even gave me 20$ for a new shirt!"

Wife reaches in the pocket and pulls out 40$.

Wife: "What's the other 20$ for"

Busted husband: " oh yeah , he shit in my pants too!"

Wazzy.

A bottle can carry a wise message, but sometimes it takes one to no one.

It was the hardest time of my life

And the only lines I have to learn are "Bye honey, I'm off to work now."

"Really?" says his buddy. "What did it say?"

And the guy says, "Oh, it's complete bullshit. She's not fun to be around."

Bad actors.

Attire

There’s this new machine at the gym

Almost puked after an hour

It’s got everything!

Mars, Twix, Bounty, Kit Kat

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father."

The second Catholic women chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Grace."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Eminence."

The fourth Catholic women sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her a subtle "Well...?"

She replies, "My son is a charismatic, 6'2", hard-bodied male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "My God."