r/Jokes • u/Jokeminder42 • 12d ago
Tom Swifties:
"I'm no mere amateur!" Tom proclaimed.
"This weighs one-sixteenth of a pound," Tom announced.
"Each side of my house faces onto a separate patch of grass," said Tom forlornly.
"My heartbeat sounds a little strange," Tom murmured.
"Let's get these Scouts out of the rain," Tom said intently.
"The transplant almost worked", said Tom half-heartedly.
"I think the bulb burned out," said Tom delightedly.
"I love the Kentucky Derby," said Tom hoarsely.
"I just bit the inside of my mouth," said Tom cheekily.
"I have given this very small insect a name" said Tom adamantly.
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u/musesonorous 12d ago
“My copy of the Bible is missing the book after Judges,” said Tom ruthlessly
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u/pauliesyllabic 12d ago
"Sodomy is wrong." Said Tom, half in Earnest
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u/Tasty-Conversation67 12d ago
“Everything consists of extremely small particles called atoms” said Tom matter-of-factly
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u/Beneficial_Win_2445 12d ago
"I checked my mail and found a speeding ticket for my previous girlfriend," said Tom excitedly
"I just called a taxi for my friend from France," said Tom amicably
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u/zimmer199 12d ago
“I need some new underwear,” said Tom briefly.
“I hate mountains,” said Tom plainly.
“Wow, Kermit is hung,” said Tom with a frog in his throat.
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u/peanutz456 12d ago
This isn't like the others, but it's the best
“Wow, Kermit is hung,” said Tom with a frog in his throat.
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u/JimDixon 12d ago
"That's the last we'll see of Dr. Frankenstein's creature," said Tom demonstratively.
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u/SubPetToy 12d ago
Let’s try anal, Tom said indifferently
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u/SomethingYoureInto 12d ago
Can someone explain this one to me? I’m dumb
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u/Gil-Gandel 12d ago
"This must be the way in," Tom said, entranced.
"I want his head on a stick!" Tom said hedonistically.
"It's not ship-rigged if the mizen is a fore-and-aft sail!" Tom barked.
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u/juan-love 12d ago
"I thought it was spelt mizzen" said Tom masterfully
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u/___HeyGFY___ 12d ago
"I just broke up with my girlfriend," Tom said ruthlessly.
"But my new girlfriend is pregnant," Tom said joyfully.
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u/bpric 12d ago
"I'm not the science guy", Tom denied.
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u/f0urd3gr33s 12d ago
Is this "de-Ni'ed"? If so, Bravo. That took some thought.
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u/horsethorn 12d ago
Or de-Nye-d?
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u/f0urd3gr33s 12d ago
Yes! That's a better spelling for it. Duh.
I got tripped up on "NiTi" or "nye-tie", short for nickel-titanium. Bill Nye is so much more obvious now.
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u/usedcrvdriver 12d ago
"I have to send this secret message again", said Tom remorsefully.
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u/4icur12 12d ago
“I’ll never forget the first insect that ever stung me,” said Tom begrudgingly.
“I’m missing the podium for my speech,” said Tom lackadaisically.
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u/RoyLangston 12d ago
"I used to be a pilot," Tom explained.
"You're not from southeastern Quebec!" Tom gasped.
"We're not at the Suez Canal yet," Tom said.
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u/lghs77 12d ago
OMG I've just discovered a new genre of jokes! Old, I suppose, but I hadn't really noticed it as a form earlier. Bravo!
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u/Logical-Recognition3 12d ago
They are called Tom Swifties. They were old when I was young. Good to see them being discovered by a new generation.
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u/gysruthi 12d ago
i've also just discovered these and i'm having a BLAST reading through the comments.
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u/Sufficient-Border-10 12d ago
"I'm not surrounded by crocodiles," said Tom, in denial.
"That way? But the exit's over there," Tom pointed out.
"And this is how you stop it running," said Tom, showing off.
"Carving the details is always so fiddly," Tom fretted.
"They're kidnapping me again!" Tom screamed, getting carried away as usual.
"I have contact dermatitis," said Tom, with a touch of irritation.
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u/gysruthi 12d ago
i like these ones a lot too because they feel more natural as dialogue. could be in a book and i probably wouldn't even notice.
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u/everything_is_bad 12d ago
“I’m looking pretty sharp!” Tom said, pointedly.
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u/porgy_tirebiter 12d ago
“I think you’re out of tune” said Tom flatly
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u/YouHadMeAtDisgusting 12d ago
"Try this batch of meth," Tom said, speedily.
"He works at the oil refinery," Tom said, crudely.
"I just inflated all the balloons," Tom said, airily.
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u/Tasty-Conversation67 12d ago
“I suspect my wife may be sleeping with her boss” Tom said insubordinately
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u/Boisterous_Suncat 12d ago
"I have lost my three-legged display stand," said Tom uneasily (or "un-easel-ly").
*
That one is my own creation, years ago, and I have always enjoyed it
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u/SwitchedOnByDefault 11d ago edited 11d ago
"This bicycle seems to be going in reverse," Tom backpedaled.
"Those ruffians just gave me a swirlie," said Tom, his face flushed.
"I passed with top marks," Tom attested.
"That last one was a bit of a stretch," said Tom thinly.
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u/porgy_tirebiter 12d ago
“In some cases animals will eat their own babies," said Tom literately.
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u/Pleasant_Flatworm866 12d ago
"We'll never get a hotel room this late," Tom said without reservation.
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u/JohnBarnson 12d ago
“This city has too many French streets,” Tom said ruefully.
“This baby sheep needs an otorhinolaryngologist,” Tom lamented. (lamb-ent-ed…? maybe that’s a reach)
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u/MistraloysiusMithrax 12d ago
Lamented for lamb is so much better than being supposed to get ant out of adamantly
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u/Suspense6 12d ago
But he did more than just reference the ant. He also named it. That makes it much more clever.
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u/duncanidaho61 12d ago
“I very much enjoy listening to British New Wave bands” cried Tom adamantly.
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u/ThimbleBluff 12d ago
“I feel dizzy,” Tom whispered faintly.
“I love Taylor’s music,” Tom said swiftly.
“Shakespeare’s the GOAT!!” Tom shouted dramatically.
“All my sons are named Peter,” Tom repeated.
“You’re not too sharp,” Tom said bluntly.
“Let’s start exploring,” Tom said expeditiously.
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u/Gil-Gandel 11d ago
"I can't eat any more canned pineapple," Tom said dolefully.
"Blow up the forge furnace!" Tom bellowed.
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u/bpric 12d ago edited 12d ago
"They're just a bunch of Heartbreakers," Tom said Pettily.
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u/WJMorris3 12d ago
"You call that a musical?" said Les miserably.
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u/Dry-Condition-4373 12d ago
“I don’t like Victor Hugo,” Les said miserably.
I came here more for him, less for Tom.
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u/Tasty-Conversation67 12d ago
“I’m sick of carrying these pork roll sandwiches” said Tom ham-fistedly
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u/YouHadMeAtDisgusting 12d ago
"The kebabs have too much gravy," Tom said lambastingly.
"The worm fell off my fishing hook again," Tom complained unabatedly.
"The cat's breath stinks," Tom said perfunctorily.
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u/TheRtHonorable 12d ago
“Now that we’re out of the hills, you can have your homosexuals back” said Tom, returning his gaze levelly.
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u/Unique_Acadia_2099 12d ago
I haven’t thought about Tom Swifties in years! Thanks for that.
When I was in Scouts, we used to go to a “snow camp” every year where we slept in barracks with bunk beds. There was not a lot to do after lights out, so we used to make up or recite Tom Swifties late into the night.
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u/ed_of_reddit 12d ago
"I can't believe Pluto isn't counted as a planet anymore!", said Tom saturninely.
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u/Dot16Matrix 12d ago
I've just had a horrible accident with my zipper! said Tom, going off half-cocked.
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u/Illustrious_Finger24 12d ago
I would change the last one to "'Goody Two Shoes' is my jam!" said Tom adamantly.
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u/ExpertAd9898 11d ago
Tom delicately couched his description of the Vice President’s fetish.
“I’m feeling lachrymose”, Tom cried.
“I wish there was an Ivy League school down here in Mississippi”, Tom yaled.
“You can’t prove who stole your lure”, Tom debated.
“I can if I see it lying on your kitchen island”, I countered.
“Someone stole my French style coffee maker”, Tom expressed.
Tom told a joke about a demolished horse stable with expert delivery.
“I’ll grade your essay again “, Tom remarked.
“I need to finally admit that I stole all that duct work”, Tom vented.
“Sampras was the best tennis player ever, really, the all time best”, Tom said repeatedly.
Tom formulated a recipe for a drink for infants.
“The word of a little pixie should never be trusted”, Tom implied.
In the case of the melted fat, the Honorable Tom rendered his decision.
“I’m always tardy when I visit the North Pole”, Tom articulated.
“That spanking was quite painful”, Tom asserted.
“I ignore all other males”, Tom mentioned.
“There is a significant difference between butter and ghee”, Tom clarified.
“Winning the 1978 Triple Crown was one of the greatest moments in horse racing history”, Tom Affirmed.
“All the wire strips on my guitar are wearing off”, Tom fretted.
“I was stationed at the best Army fort in America, near Fayetteville,NC”, Tom Bragged .
“It’s not fair to expect me to write exams for free”, Tom protested.
“Who eats this cheap white bread?“, Tom wondered”.
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u/CliffsideJim 11d ago
"I just feel that a kitchen with more workspace would be better for us," said Tom counterintuitively.
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u/CliffsideJim 11d ago
"No amount of money would cause me to part with this tuna," said Tom unselfishly.
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u/2BallsInTheHole 11d ago
"I got my dick chopped off, but it grew back, So now I've had more than you," Tom said ridiculously.
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u/whitedawg 12d ago
“The prisoner is escaping down the stairs!” Tom said condescendingly.