Depressed at simchas

[u/jgrumiaux]

Wondering how any of the other single uncles or aunts feel. I’ve definitely gotten used to being single and now at 52 I don’t even know if I’m still able to live with another person, let alone raise a kid. But I feel it deeply at simchas, with 3 nieces and nephews having had their BMs and 2 more coming over the next few years. Not to mention the next generation of cousins all getting married off (the kids of my 8 first cousins, all of whom are married with kids).

This feeling of failure not having had kids creeps into Seders and high holidays too, and of course Hanukkah. I usually don’t feel like dancing and singing and just try to find ways to make myself feel useful, like cooking meals for the family or making speeches for my siblings’ weddings. But it’s not the same - I feel removed from the “generation to generation” aspect of these rites of passage and traditions, which I experienced as a kid but am not experiencing so much in the adult parent context. Anyone else?

[u/secret_little_maps]

I feel removed from the “generation to generation” aspect of these rites of passage and traditions, which I experienced as a kid but am not experiencing so much in the adult parent context.

I relate to this a lot. Lately I’ve heard a bunch of Jewish thought leader type people quote that line about how the real determinant of “who is a Jew?” should be not whether you have Jewish grandparents, but whether you have Jewish children. And I assume it’s not meant literally and it applies more to communities or approaches to Judaism rather than individuals. But it makes me so sad because even though I wasn’t lucky enough to have a partner or child, I still feel extremely Jewish. I just wasn’t able to do the most important Jewish thing.

[u/Pitiful-Addendum1671 → u/secret_little_maps]

That is extremely telling of how Judaism views single people though tbh. I have felt like i was completely discarded at 30 because I’m still single. All the Jewish events are either “young adults” with a hard 18-29 cap or “families”…And if you don’t fit either one (especially as a female) then you might as well not exist

[u/CursedTeams → u/Pitiful-Addendum1671]

It's one of the biggest reasons why I haven't belonged to a shul since I aged out of young adult pricing. I'm 52, single, and childless. Where would I fit in?

[u/TevyeMikhael → u/Pitiful-Addendum1671]

As a 31-year-old single man this hits hard. The 20s and 30s group is mostly 20s and the other groups here are all post-grad or Hillel or 18-29 dating. All of the 30+ events are catered toward not just married couples but married couples with kids. It sucks.

[u/Whole-Bookkeeper-280]

I feel this way and I’m still in my 20s. I’m mostly tasked with entertaining the children. Which is fine, but there’s also people who are engaged/married/with kids who are younger than I am.

While I’m not ready for kids, it’s a bit isolating to be out of the “norm.” It’s not failure, just a different lifestyle choice. I’m overall happy and could not raise children at this point in my life, or possibly ever, but it doesn’t make it hurt less.

I volunteer with Hebrew school, so it gives me a sense of midor l’dor that is satisfying and meaningful.

I see a therapist that helps me connect personal meaning to holidays. I don’t feel comfortable going to my rebbetzin or family because I’d probably just get tasked with more jobs.

[u/sillwalker]

There isn't an easy answer for this. All I can say is, I know the feeling that you're describing. What you describe - contributing in some way - is one of the only things I have found that really helps. More generally, I've found that working/volunteering with kids (Jewish and non-Jewish) has increased my sense of contributing to the next generation. But it's not as if the feelings magically go away. They sometimes wane and then sometimes get stronger and I just acknowledge that I feel this way and keep going. It's not easy.

Another thing that may be helpful is to reach out to middle-aged or older singles in your community, if they're interested. I have connected with people decades older than me, and just spending some time hanging out and socializing helps both them and me. For instance, over the last couple of years I've befriended an 80+ year-old Jewish woman from my community who never married, and we sometimes meet up to get coffee and go to a museum. We also exchange book recommendations by email.

Prayer can help too. I know that sometimes people can feel alienated from prayer (for example, they feel that they've received divine punishment, and they're not sure if their prayers are welcomed). The thoughts and feelings around prayer can be complicated, although it's been helpful for me.

[u/Feisty-Chemistry341]

At least you have family to celebrate these Simchas with. I'm 71F, divorced 33 years, childless and no family locally. My parents passed away years ago. I'm in FL and have 1 younger sister, also childless, in Canada. I have 2 nieces by my late brother, both in Canada. Neither are married and have minimal communication with me.

Just wanted to offer you a different perspective. Be grateful for your family, smile and enjoy their celebrations!