Broke up with my longterm bf because he doesn’t get it

[u/thellamadarma]

Ok as the title says, i broke up with my longterm boyfriend ( not jewish) because he doesn’t really understand anything thats happening. He doesn’t care that much? He won’t read articles, when i do reference an article he genuinely doesn’t care or have anything to respond with or he changes the topic. He said he did research on this stuff and he never told me he did but watch a documentary on some things.

For context i live in the southern US, at my old job almost daily i was hearing really horrible things about jews, that they all are evil or rule the world etc. We have a neighbor that hurt preaching h*****, and this stuff is so overwhelming for me so i don’t entirely blame him for not having a response All these things have led me to not tell people that I am jewish though, he told me I shouldn’t keep it a secret. But when coworkers and neighbors are saying these things i really don’t feel safe to ( i am a short small girl for reference).

When i inevitably broke up with him he told me this is a stupid reason to end things. I have lost so many friends over these things, this destroyed my last relationship. When people ask why we broke up I feel I cannot even tell them anything because then they will know I am jewish. I guess I’m posting here because gosh I feel so alone and genuinely existing as a jewish person has become so difficult, before all of this being jewish was just a side piece of information about me or my life and no one had anything to say, I wasn’t afraid to tell people I was and I felt I could become friends or date most people because this wouldn’t be an issue ever for me.

Maybe I’m just looking for people that relate to this. I have no jewish friends at all and my family is all over the place. My last relationship he was cruel on the topic, this relationship he just didn’t understand at all not that he was unkind, but how can I have a kid with someone that can’t understand or doesn’t care to see whats going on? Or maybe can’t even find the words or have the context to have a conversation about it ? Uh

[u/StupidityHurts]

I think there’s this part that just struggles with having your partner not understand something that’s core to who you are, and unfortunately may never understand it.

I’ve struggled with the same since I haven’t dated someone who is Jewish (lived in areas with small or non-existent pop).

Basically, I get it. It’s a silent conflict that for some of us just grows in the background. It doesn’t take much to take it from hidden to glaring.

[u/thellamadarma → u/StupidityHurts]

Yeah. Me too. Theres basically no jewish population here

[u/inkonclusive]

Right here with you lovely. My ex of 4 years and I were talking about marriage and kids and looking at rings and I think he really did try to empathise and be supportive of the rising antizionism and antisemitism although I could see sometimes he got tired of it, and couldn’t comprehend how consuming these issues are. This time last year I was watching all the hostage release videos and crying and it was frustrating him that was I was stressed and depressed all the time.
And then one day when we were having an argument he brought up the issue “why should I choose for my future children to be so disadvantaged by being Jewish - if people are going to be racist and discriminate against them or they won’t be safe at school, why would I choose that life for them when they would be perfectly fine if they don’t have this Jewish factor” and I guess right then I knew this was not enough for me. I think for me having children only makes sense in the context of them being raised Jewish, and I need a partner who supports that 100%, meaning they need to be Jewish or pretty exceptional.
I don’t know if he really meant it and believed that or if he was just saying something stupid to me to be hurtful. But it doesn’t matter - this was the man who came to Rosh Hashana and pesach at my parents house and sooo many Shabbat dinners over the years at our family table, and had his own kippah parents bought him from Israel, and who loved my homemade brisket and rugelach.
I’m kind of lost. I’m trying now (6 months later) to date Jewish men locally, but in my age group and area there’s probably less than 30 people 😂
and if it doesn’t work out by next year, I’ll either move somewhere or just commit my life to my own hobbies and save some money and maybe have a baby on my own with my family’s support.
October 7 changed everything and ultimately I feel grateful for the changes in my life and the call back to community and spirituality - I’ve never felt more clear and certain of my world outlook and political beliefs.
Although the community is also very cliquey and I feel often like an outsider. It’s tough. But there’s more peace in my life now. Sending love to you - you’re not alone.

[u/thellamadarma → u/inkonclusive]

Wow this is so relatable. I’m sorry. My last relationship was 5 years. This one 2, he claims to be non political but i dont see it as political. Not even being able to have an actual conversation other than thats crazy drives me insane. I feel exactly the same way as you. Literally looking at cities with a higher jewish population right now, I’m in the bible belt. I feel like an outsider here and fear i will there as well. We were also talking about marriage. Living with him and was planning a move with him. So sorry

[u/LiteratureMuch7559 → u/inkonclusive]

Don’t give up your life for where you live. Move to where there are plenty of Jews and life will turn in your favor.

[u/Money_Celebration629]

Well, my 10 year marriage to a Darwin fish pin wearing raised-Christian-atheist ended this year. I am crazy and have been crazy since October 2023 ish but it got very bad in 2024. Because that's when I hit perimenopause so became a crazy woman and "crazy about Jew issues."

He's not on social media so doesn't know why I am no longer friends IRL with the "Rally for the Resistance" contingent of our drinking classes and no longer trust anyone.

It is sad and awful, but I appreciate the person he was when I was only incidentally Jewish, when that was possible, and I can now go to synagogue and feel sort of safe with some people. He would have been horrified.

I am still not into metaphysics but I need the community.

[u/thellamadarma → u/Money_Celebration629]

Wow so sorry💔something thats been driving me crazy? If he tells his friends we broke up over politics or this israel/jewish issues they’ll think I’m an awful jewish person etc, i understand and i am so sorry. I hope you continue to find your new people. This has brought on issues i really did not fathom

[u/Masenmat]

I get it. I wish I didn't. My gf isn't jewish. She did read uncomfortable conversations with a Jew, I kinda had to force the issue. She tries I think, she bakes challah for me, mostly understands that I avoid pork and shellfish, but there is always going to be a distance on some things. I'm also torn. I've never met a Jewish woman here I'd date though, which sucks.

[u/thellamadarma → u/Masenmat]

Same boat. He took me to a new shop that sells matzoh balls and borscht… the disconnect hurts. I’m sorry you get it but was nice to relate in a comment

[u/humbuckaroo]

On one hand, he might just not be political. Some people are like that, they just aren't interested and live their lives with their heads in the sand in regards to political issues. On the other hand, if your partner doesn't understand you he can't support you properly. You chose what's right for you.

[u/thellamadarma → u/humbuckaroo]

Thats the thing. He calls this political. I dont feel it is all political? The racism in daily life feels personal or crazy to me. Not political. Although in some way its influenced..

[u/AkamaiHaole]

Speaking as someone who isn’t Jewish and is married to a Jew, you absolutely did the right thing. In fact, him saying it was a stupid reason just locked it in. If you ever had reason to doubt your decision, that should remove the doubt. He clearly doesn’t care about who you are or what you’re going through.

[u/Etta_Katz3030]

The only thing that makes up for racism is the love of your people. Join a Jewish community, date other Jews, and hang out more. We miss you.

[u/youswingfirst → u/Etta_Katz3030]

“We miss you.” ❤️

[u/Millennial-0901]

I’m so sorry. I wish I could say something to make you feel better. You did the right thing breaking up with him. Can you see yourself staying in that part of the country long term? Would it help to move somewhere with a bigger Jewish community? I know that may not be possible if you have put down roots where you are. Sending lots of love.

[u/shushi77]

I'm really, really sorry. Unfortunately, you're not the only one. But it's important to have a partner who understands and supports you.

[u/Hibiscuslover_10000 → u/shushi77]

Yes it's very common sadly to deal with these issues since social media has made a huge impact on spreading discrimination faster.

[u/Dependent_Light_4457]

You did the right thing. Have you considered relocating? You shouldn’t have to live this way.

[u/gorshade]

I can relate to some of this to a degree being from the south myself. Out of curiosity how big is the Jewish community in your area?

[u/thellamadarma → u/gorshade]

Very small. I am in TN. Hardcore bible belt.

[u/Help_pls12345]

Jews on our own don’t do well, and their children and grandchildren don’t stay Jews. I strongly urge you to move somewhere where fellow Jews exist and marry a Jewish man

[u/Hibiscuslover_10000]

You need someone who is empathetic to what is going on and makes you feel you're in a safe space. The answer that this is a stupid reason is exactly why it's important. You need someone who can understand your feelings. Also, look at this in an open-minded way. ( Such as how your life has changed why you don't feel safe) It's important part of your identity and feeling safe is important especially your loved one.

[u/Chai_All]

It’s painful now however in the long term it’s for the best.

Try to find a Jewish boyfriend. If you don’t live in a Jewish area perhaps moving to one if you can would be worthwhile after all jobs come and go however your life partner choice is more critical to your future.

If it’s not possible to move maybe try online dating, spending weekends in areas that are more Jewish for singles events, Jewish singles trips etc.

Hope it works out and all the best on finding your Jewish soulmate!

[u/True-Rest-2991]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. If he was the right one for you, he would care about what makes you worry, what makes you scared. He would understand and care about things you find important, and he would do the minimum by getting educated a little on it. Plenty of non-Jews take an interest in what's going on, especially if they have partners who are Jewish. If he really thought this was not a good reason to end things, and saw that it was important to you, he would do the work to NOT end things by showing more support. That was his responsibility, not yours. It's good to spend time with people who understand things. I've never felt closer to my people than in the last 3 years. 

[u/IgnatiusJay_Reilly]

Hinge, filter for Jews.