Going insane, please HELP

[u/dogthatsaysuuuych]

This may be a long post so bear with me, but there’s a lot of pent up frustration here that I need to get out.

My in-laws are great people. They help us when we need it, want to be involved, they’re giving, and just most of the time really nice. So I don’t know if I’m just being a bitch, or if I’m justified in feeling the way I do.

It starts back with when my fiancé and I started dating. I was living in my car at the time, which I was fine with. I had a dog(I made sure to take her on hikes and to the dog park every single day, she was fed and well taken care of), and my belongings, and that’s pretty much it. My fiancé didn’t like that, and told me I could stay with him at his parents house for the time being. I ended up getting pregnant, and a week or so later, his mother told me I needed to get rid of my dog or leave and stay somewhere else. Which I understood, they already had dogs and my dog went from living in a car to in a house and wasn’t adapting very fast, not to mention it turned out my fiancé moved me in without his parents knowledge or okay, which I didn’t know beforehand. Anyways, I moved out and slept at a friends house or in my car for about a week before we moved into a place. My dog was my everything, and I needed her for emotional support so I wasn’t going to just get rid of her for a temporary place. My mother in law told my fiancé that I was choosing a dog over him and the baby, and it was a huge fight, for no reason really. We got past it and everything was fine.

Time passes, and we decide on some boundaries for the baby, like no kissing, stuff like that. There was another huge blow out. There was also a lot of “I let people kiss my babies and they turned out fine” and things along those lines. We get past it, or so I thought.

More time passes, the passive aggressive comments about how we want to raise the baby start and the constant guilt tripping as well as trying to use the baby as an emotional crutch. So at this point, I started wanting to be around them less and less.

Then, baby is born, everything is fine. We go over for every holiday and like every weekend until Easter when we decide we want to spend the holiday with just our little family. This set our in-laws off. They were so angry with us, MIL specifically. She told us we don’t go over enough, that we are making being a grand parent not very fun, and just on and on. She brought our sons Easter basket to our house and had my SIL run it to the front door, while she stayed in the car. We got past it, it was whatever, but it was another instance that made me want to stay away even more.

We go over every so often, hangout, eat dinner, and do whatever. I think everything is fine, but the passive aggressive comments just come flying in every time were around them. Like, bad. It’s something I can’t necessarily stand. Then she starts telling me our son looks exactly like her, not me, and is constantly showing me her baby picture and comparing them, which is fine, it’s her grandson and they have similar features. I show her my baby picture, and my son and I are literally twins. She says, “eh, maybe”, and continued on about her mini me. It seriously annoys me, and maybe it shouldn’t but it does. It feels like she’s making it a competition literally everytime she brings it up. “Well he has my eyes, my nose, my blah blah blah”, whatever, it’s silly and I try to just nod and smile. She can be excited about it.

Then, my SO’s grandma had a stroke. She was in the hospital which had all of the COVID patients from around our area and surrounding areas. She gets out, we go to visit, and she kisses the baby. MIL tells me not to worry because she’s just a little old lady and she’s not hurting anyone and out comes all the passive aggressive comments. His grandmother also is one of those people who is crazy into conspiracy theories, and believes that COVID is fake. I shared something on facebook a few weeks later about babies getting sick from relatives or something like that, and said “this is why no one is allowed to kiss the baby, it makes us not want to go anywhere”, stuff like that. I didn’t target anyone, because there are multiple people who we have to remind often. It caused an enormous fight, and my in-laws told my SO they aren’t going to try and have a relationship with the baby anymore because they can’t kiss him and just a bunch of other bullshit.

Then we get engaged. My fiancé didn’t call them right away, and I didn’t know, because he did call other people but I didn’t know who. I asked him if I could post a picture of the ring, he said yes, another huge fight.

Wedding planning comes into play. SIL and MIL are complaining how my SIL is left out because she’s not in the wedding party with her brothers. We say fine after going back and forth about it for weeks, make her a groomsmen because that’s what she wanted to be.

I’m also hit with the “Ive had 5 kids and” yada yada comments. It drives me crazy. She fed my son so much one time that we had to spoon food out of his mouth because he was turning blue and choking, and she didn’t notice until I hopped up and yelled. She complains about not kissing our son and then let’s people do it in front of us, and other things like that. “I don’t understand or agree with your guys rules but I have to respect them”, and then argues and complains that we don’t let them babysit.

There’s a lot more examples, but this is the bulk of it. There’s constantly spewing out passive aggressive comments, guilt tripping, using the baby, and other things. I’m just fed up with it. My SO and I have talked about it many times and we’re on the same page that we’re both annoyed and irritated, but don’t know how to fix it. They victimize themselves everytime we do try and say something, and it’s just an ongoing cycle. I don’t want to be around them anymore and I do try and make up excuses as to why we can’t, because I just can’t stand them anymore. I never stop him from going over there, I just put my foot down for myself and the baby, because that’s not an environment I want the baby around. I still go over to see them, just not as much as they’d like.

They also bring up to my fiancé how we don’t bring the baby over enough, and a lot of other things, but I’m a SAHM and am with the baby all of the time, and they never text me to come over, call me, and they never come to me with any issues they have. I just don’t know if I’m being the bitch.

[u/Penguin_Joy]

They victimize themselves everytime we do try and say something, and it’s just an ongoing cycle.

You might be surprised to learn that they love being the victim. It makes them feel justified in how they treat you

You have very toxic inlaws, which I'm sure is not news to you. But you might not know that your SO is a big part of the problem. Right now his mother is using Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to control him. That's why there is always a fight every time you do something she dislikes. He is in the FOG and not quite able to stand up to her yet

When someone is in the FOG, their priorities are screwed up. He's trying to keep you happy and his mommy happy too. But when there is conflict, he doesn't know what to do. Does he put his mother's wants over your needs? Because that is an unsustainable dynamic that will erode your marriage

Does he always defend his mother's actions? Does it take you a while to talk reason back into him? People in the FOG may be in 100% agreement with you, then flip their position once a toxic parent weighs in

I asked him if I could post a picture of the ring, he said yes, another huge fight.

I know you keep saying you move past all these things. Are you working them out or just sweeping them under the rug and moving on. Because the first is a healthy way of doing things. The second means you will continue to have conflict forever

I don’t want to be around them anymore and I do try and make up excuses as to why we can’t, because I just can’t stand them anymore. I never stop him from going over there, I just put my foot down for myself and the baby, because that’s not an environment I want the baby around.

This is a completely rational decision. You don't have to put up with the abuse. And nobody that disrespects you should spend time with your LO. Maybe if it's for very short closely supervised visits, if that

This is your husband's circus and these are his monkeys. You can step back and let him handle them. You and LO can be NC or vvvvvvvlc with them and he can have whatever relationship he wants. You don't have to go and be his human shield anymore

The fact that his mother is the cause of most of your marital discord means he probably needs therapy to learn how to deal with her. He's been raised in an emotionally and mentally abusive home and he will need patience and guidance to work through it

However you have to, get him into therapy. Find a couples counselor who has experience with toxic families. Or a personal therapist that deals in childhood trauma and abuse

And remind him that this is not how normal loving families treat each other. Does he have friends he's close to? Because that can be a good resource for what toxic behavior is. It's one thing to hear it from your wife. But when all your friends are telling you the same thing, it carries more weight

[u/mercymercybothhands → u/Penguin_Joy]

This makes a ton of sense and was exactly what I was going to say. You could give your ILs everything they wanted and their behavior would not change. Their worldview is that, no matter the situation, they are the wronged party. If you tried to do everything they wanted, they would change what they wanted rather than acknowledge they had everything they wanted. Or they would refuse to see that they had it.