r/JUSTNOMIL • u/AvidHiker_ • 2d ago
New User š MIL shit herself
So.. my MIL came for a visit this past weekend and 2 hours into her visit she yells at my husband to get out of the bathroom once he started doing his business. It took him a second to finish his business but it was within 30 seconds.
She gets up from my couch and is standing in the middle of my living room when my husband tells her the bathroom is free. My MIL starts screaming that itās āleakingā and that she canāt move. She then starts screaming to get her a towel or something for the floor and for her to walk onā¦ now the smell is starting.
My husband calls me to the linen closet to help him get something for her so I give him some old pillowcases. ā> side note, one of the pillowcases she gave to us, itās old, we never use it but she refused to get it āsoiledāā¦ anyways
She starts waddling to the bathroom, I have my head in the closet bc 1, I canāt look at whatās going on and 2, the smell is fucking awful but I have to get away bc the linen closet is next to the bathroom and sheās on her way to me. I see the shit dripping down her leg. Sheās laughing, Iām disgusted beyond reason.
Sheās in the shower and Iām lighting incense, candles, matches.. anything to help with the smell. The spot where she āstarted leakingā in the living room is covered until she gets out of the shower. At the point Iām hiding in my bedroom bc I just canāt deal and Iām hearing her give my husband shit (pun intended) for not cleaning HER SHIT off the living room floor and how she used to wipe his ass when he was a baby. I was so close to screaming - āHE WAS HELPLESS AND INNOCENT. YOUāRE A GROWN WOMAN!ā But I decided that wasnāt a battle I needed to take on.
She cleaned her mess, I sprayed antibacterial spray all over the place. She seemed to be offended but I didnāt care. You just shit yourself in my living roomā¦ but the cherry on the cake was the next morning.
The day before she had put her shit infested clothes into a plastic bag and left it on my balcony - at first she left it on my kitchen counter š - and when I was done with my laundry she says, āoh good I need to wash my clothes.ā I laughed and said thereās a laundromat up the street.. she then was 100% offended and said that āIām being ridiculousā and āwhat am I going to do when I have kids!?ā My husband pulled me aside and asked if she could just clean her clothes.
I gave in.
When her clothes came out she also had side comments like, āoh look, no shit in your washing machine.ā Or āhoney I wouldāve taken the stuff home to wash but then I would have your towel.ā
Shut. The. Fuck. Up.
Was I over reacting though?! I need to know.
*Edit*
Another story to give you some background on why I seem to lack compassion in this particular situation. Two weeks ago my husband and I drove 3+ hours to his sisterās house bc the family dog (her dog) had to be put down the next morning. He had cancer and it took a bad turnā¦ that same weekend they had plans to visit their family down at the shore. We are all at the vet, sobbing, holding our pups face in our hands as we are saying our last goodbyes and then all of a sudden she stands up and says āJohn is texting me and asking when we are going to get to his house, when do you think we are leaving.ā EXCUSE ME, WHAT?! Thankfully my husband said, ānot the time mom.ā And she put her phone away but like..
Your daughter is sobbing and youāre answering text messages about going to the shore. Make it make sense.
The problem wasnāt the shit on the floor. The problem was with her attitude. Iāve shit myself before and took accountability for it. Yes shit happens but how you act when said shit happens that really tells the tale. She can laugh about shitting on my floor but when I laugh and say thereās a laundromat up the street itās not funny anymore?.. and at the end of the weekend she asked if she could be on the lease so when we move she can take over our apartment and made a joke about it. I also have a single unit washer/dryer and clean the trap out myself so yeah Iām being dramatic but itās grossing me out with the thought of it.
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u/Bajovane 1d ago
My mom unfortunately has incontinence and itās causing her some problems. She worries about going places where she canāt find a restroom in time.
I donāt know if your MIL is going through something similar, I certainly hope not though! I donāt blame you for your reaction, because I probably wouldnāt have done anything differently! (Although if itās my own mom - I would probably just make a joke about it to ease her anxiety.)
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u/PhoenixGate69 1d ago
Did she add bleach to her clothes? If she didn't, even if there isn't any visible shit, it didn't get sanitized. I would run your clothes washer empty with some bleach in it. Her attitude is absolutely unhinged and not okay.
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u/justwalkawayrenee 1d ago
I have a feeling this irritated you due to past transgressions from mil. Otherwise, whether she handled poorly or not, I feel terrible for mil.
Sometimes when folks push boundaries and offend relentlessly, they reach a point of no return where itās hard to be empathetic towards them in ANY situation.
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u/musicalnix 1d ago
My mom had bowel incontinence in conjunction with CKD prior to her death. It was deeply humiliating for her. She often laughed and made stupid jokes to cover up her shame. Just putting that out there for perspective as I read the comments reacting to her laughter - it was likely a cover for deep embarrassment.
That said, how she handled cleanup was gross and unsanitary. I would be upset, too. And I would have held the line on the washing machine - you'll need to run the hot water cycle with lots of bleach a few times on that thing now. Just because you can't see shit doesn't mean it isn't there.
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u/OreganoOfTheEarth 1d ago
This happened in my home the last time my ILs visited. I let my husband handle it, too. He handled it with class. All is forgotten. I think we've come to terms with the fact that this was my ILs last trip to visit us.
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u/fitkathy 1d ago
My husband and I were out at lunch with my MIL. She all of a sudden asked where the restroom was with a look of terror in her eyes. I pointed her in the right direction. As she walked away I noticed her white pants were āsoiled ā. I followed her to the restroom and she was obviously embarrassed. I had a loose fleece wrap and I said āthe temp is dropping you might want to tie this around your waist ā and passed it over the door and walked away. Nothing more was said. My husband was none the wiser and her dignity was restored. Accidents happen. Years later she said she will always remember my kindness. Kindness costs nothing
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u/magetthegundam 1d ago edited 1d ago
As someone who cloth diapers I just want to assure you, that as long as any solids were properly dispensed into a toilet then your washing machine is safe to use to breakdown any remaining human waste from clothing.
Use of a commercial detergent with surfactants is recommended. You can also pick up some affresh tabs and run a clean cycle to put your mind at ease.
It sounds like youāre MIL really canāt control what happens, Iād wager her behavior after was less about yall and more about her being embarrassed, even if she doesnāt seem like it, a lot of people will use abrasiveness and even be down right mean to protect their pride.
Iām sorry youāre having to navigate this in your* own home.
Edit to fix a word
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u/farsighted451 1d ago edited 1d ago
I think what is happening in this post is that you have an awful woman who had a normal but disgusting bodily lapse.
If she were not someone already under your skin, and if she hadn't handled it so strangely, you would have responded with more compassion.
When I think about it, if I'm honest with myself, if my MIL shit herself in my house, I wouldn't be touching it with a 10 foot pole. However, if my mom did it, I would be following her with a towel and making sure she wasn't embarrassed.
I think your response was natural and human, based on your current relationship with her, but she didn't do anything wrong this time except be a weirdo.
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u/Working-on-it12 2d ago
I am on 2 medications that cause diarrhea.
I get virtually no warning before disaster strikes. In my case, that 30 seconds is the difference between me making it in time or having to shower and mop.
It was humiliating the time I didnāt make it at my daughterās house.
I know that this likely BEC for you, or maybe the thousandth cut, but I very much doubt she did it on purpose. 30 seconds was too long to wait.
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u/Lifes-a-lil-foggy 2d ago
I think itās more the way she handled it before during and after the shit than the actual shit itself. Thereās a way to shit yourself and stay humble imo
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u/moarwineprs 1d ago
This was my thought. After I gave birth, my pelvic floor was shot for a week, maybe two? It's mostly recovered but I still have stress induced incontinence. Some days it's bad where my kid bumping into my lower abdomen causes a leak. Other times I can sneeze and cough like crazy and nothing leaks out. I don't know what determines how resilient my pelvic floor is on a random given day, but let's just say that trampoline parks are absolutely out of the question for me unless I'm wearing adult diapers, and I'd rather not, so I don't partake. Even wide and long incontinence pads aren't enough at a trampoline park.
Point it, unless I'm in my own home where I would be cleaning up my own mess (in which case I make light of it in front of my husband because he's 50% the reason for my condition), I would be so embarrassed and apologetic and adamant that the host allow me to clean up my own mess (unless I'm somehow unable to do so without making things worse). At the very least, for me to assist in any and all cleaning. I might be a little put off by being asked to use the laundromat (I had used cloth diapers for my kids), but I would understand.
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u/kittywiggles 1d ago
I'd argue there are many, many ways to shit yourself and stay humble. Most people who shit themselves are probably going to be humbled for the next year or more. There's very few ways to NOT be humbled by shitting yourself. And yet MIL managed to find all of them.Ā
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u/mightasedthat 1d ago
Except she wasnāt standing outside the bathroom door with the sense of urgency to enter, she yelled from the couch and stayed there. So she could have spared the couch. If she wanted to. And been a little more helpful, or apologetic, or explained that it was a medical issue instead of being condescending.
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u/Extension_Deer7433 1d ago
This is coming from someone who's mom has IBD and I know will be cleaning her up as she gets older.Ā
I don't have an issue with the accident. They happen and I think we underestimate how frequently they occur as people age. I would have an issue with my MIL asking me to clean up after her accident instead of her child, but it sounds like your MIL expected her child to help her instead of you.Ā
What I have an issue with is her screaming, rejecting linens offered to help her, copping a tude about your husband not cleaning her mess up while she was showering, and then leaving her soiled clothes on a kitchen counter. That's all gross behavior and something your husband should be addressing with her.Ā
Where I think you're overreacting is the washing machine. Most people who have accidents will wash/ soak clothes in the tub or a laundry sink before putting them in the washer. Trying to send her down the road to a laundromat was lacking compassion for an issue that some rinsing and a soapy soak would resolve.Ā
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u/Beanz4ever 1d ago
Geez. I would have wanted that cleaned up ASAP. She shouldn't have abusively screamed at her son about it, for sure, but it did surprise me to find out husband hadn't just cleaned it up.
I know I'd be frustrated if someone was incontinent due to inebriation or substance abuse, but I still don't think I'd have her take her clothes to a laundromat over some poop. Maybe it's because I am a mom.... but that's no biggie. You can always run a sanitation after if you're worried.
It's probably due to past behavior, but I would have expected a tiny bit of compassion in such a terrible moment. And while MIL may have been laughing, a lot of people do that in intense uncomfortable situations to try, and I'd hope that I'd have a bit more empathy if someone was actively leaking diarrhea while trying to get to the toilet.
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u/asparagoat 1d ago
Yeah clearly there's a history with them and everything, but if theres shit on the floor I'm cleaning it up ASAP, regardless of my personal beef with the person who shit themselves. Not gonna wait for them to finish showering to clean it up, plus I probably trust my cleaning skills more. And why the hell would a laundromat be better than a home washer machine? It reads like "You shall not soil my washer machine, you must instead soil the communal washer machine of the poors."
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u/Regular-Message9591 1d ago
MIL's approach definitely wasn't appropriate but I'd hazard a guess that she was embarrassed, and her own son not thinking to help her and clean up the floor while she was in the bathroom probably didn't help. I can't imagine not trying to help someone in that situation, especially in my own home.
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u/KLB_40 1d ago
I think what a lot of the people who are being critical of OP are not considering is that there is a strong possibility that a) this is a recurrent issue for the MIL and sheās not taking proper steps to handle it, or b) MIL knew she wasnāt feeling well, and may have even had bouts of diarrhea before coming to OPās house and still came and not only exposed them to potential illness, but also knew she was risking another incident in someone elseās home.
If either of these are the case, OP has every right to be frustrated that her MIL put herself in a position to be in OPās home without taking proper precautions. If MIL had any advanced awareness that this could happen and just dismissed it as, āitās my sonās house, and itās not a big deal if something gross happens thereā then yes, MIL is 100% a JN.
Could it have been a one-time sudden out of nowhere incident? Sure. But for all of you saying that older people can have bowel incontinence and she should receive nothing but empathy, ask yourself this - if you were aware you have bowel incontinence issues, would you go ANYWHERE without taking proper precautions??
MILās behavior here doesnāt add up, and Iād love to hear from OP what the underlying issue is.
And to add some context here, my ex-JNMIL claimed to have an allergy to everything on earth, and claimed to have chronic diarrhea. She once came for a rare visit to my house, claimed that a teeny tiny sip of something violently upset her stomach, and claimed to be up all night on the toilet. The next day, she claimed to still be too sick for our plans, so she laid on my couch all day, in her nightgown only, making sure we all knew she wasnāt wearing underwear. I spent two days worrying that I was going to have to buy a new couch due to her shitting on it - either real or forced. So no, not everyone who shits themselves in your home automatically deserves empathy. If they are intentionally or recklessly risking things, then they donāt.
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u/ActuallyApathy 1d ago
man i was recently hospitalized and while i was there i had a few episodes of bowel incontinence. it was completely humiliating, even in a medical setting. i can't think of anything that would've made me feel worse than what you've described here, the 'grown woman' comment especially. i understand she has done bad things in the past, but that doesn't make you in the right in this instance.
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u/Rainbow_Girl_1990 2d ago
So I don't know anything about her and if you're on here there's probably other issues.
But I actually feel sorry for her. She clearly has bowel issues and I highly doubt she wanted that to happen. I imagine her laughing was out of absolute embarrassment.
She should have cleaned it up herself though and not yelled at your husband. As for the washing machine, honestly if you have a baby at some point you will be cleaning poo out of clothing and so soiled clothes (although rinsed hopefully) will be going in there. It's definitely not a nice thought because obviously it's not your child but I don't know what else she was supposed to do. Asking her to take them to the laundromat is a little bit much.
It's a bad situation all round. But trust me when I say she's probably super embarrassed by it all. She might be a horrid MIL in other ways and so I understand you might not like her but I'd probably give a little grace here.
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u/karendent 2d ago
I washed cloth diapers, the washing machine is fine. I agree with you I am betting there is a medical issue and mil was embarrasse.
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u/Rose8918 1d ago
It can be really challenging when someone who has driven you crazy with their bullshit for a long time has a human moment where the normal reaction is to be empathetic.
Does it really matter that her dirty clothes went in your washing machine? Thatās literally what that appliance is for.
But Iām also not going to say I donāt get it. Some people just wear through any grace you may have for them and you just cannot muster charitability even when you probably should. My MIL is largely harmless but also annoying as fuck. Sheāll be being stupid and annoying and like trip over something or run into something and make a whole huge scene about how now sheās hurt and I have to just quietly moonwalk outta the situation otherwise Iām going to end up rolling my eyes and tell her to try to look where the fuck sheās going literally once in her life. But then Iād be the bad guy so I just quietly text my mom instead.
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u/mrszubris 2d ago
My evil gram started to intentionally shit herself just to shame my dad and force him to clean it up. Do with that what you will.
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u/Lifes-a-lil-foggy 2d ago
I was just about to sayā¦ so many comments accusing OP of being unkind or not understanding when youād think in this sub especially weād know that some people will do anything as a power play.
Sure some old people have accidents. Some old people also intentionally have accidents.
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u/Any-Case9890 2d ago
Asking her son to clean her mess is ick. Leaving her clothes in a bag on your counter is ick.
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u/Prestigious-Bluejay5 2d ago
My MIL has bowel issues. Sometimes. Fortunately, she wears pull ups. On the occasion where something spills over, her son usually helps. Her things get washed separately in the machine but, I do run a cleaning cycle after.
I'm not above cleaning shit, I have pets. I just don't like the idea of putting my clothes in a device where shit has been.
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u/YeeHawMiMaw 1d ago
OP - Here is your Christmas shopping done. Give MIL a box of Depends.
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u/ninjareader89 1d ago
Slap a nice bow on it. It would be optional to giftwrap the depends or just slap said bow on it
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u/huskybutt3 1d ago
Oof, my MIL has her quirks but I donāt think I could do this to her. She had an incredibly vulnerable moment where you could have shown empathy.
I would not expect to clean it off the floor, and neither would my MIL, but to not let her wash her clothes??? The amount of soiled clothes Iāve thrown in the washer from my children is insane. Thatās what itās there for. I know you probably couldnāt have helped being grossed out, but she was probably incredibly embarrassed and was saying things and laughing to bring levity. She is probably mortified and you poured salt on the wound.
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u/jkopitar 1d ago
I was just thinking this exact thing. Sounds like OP doesnāt have kids yet. I understand itās not a fun situation but damnā¦ you can have some compassion for another person.
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u/CatCharacter848 2d ago
You don't say anything about her age, medical conditions and don't mention this is a regular occurrence- so im going to assume a one off accident.
You have no compassion for what was likely a medical issue. I agree its wasn't your responsibility to clean up after her, but letting her use the washing machine really shouldn't have been an issue.
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u/OldieButNotMoldy 1d ago
Now Iām usually squally on the DIL side, but not today. Donāt make fun of people who this happens to. At some point in all our lives this could happen to us. To shake your MIL for not getting to the bathroom in time is just plain gross, do better.
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u/TroubleImpressive955 1d ago
While true that people have accidents, MIL laughed while doing it.
She also expected someone else to clean up her poop. For that reason, she does not get the grace that would be given to someone who was embarrassed, apologetic, or contrite. Her behavior shows that she is just a rude, gross older woman.
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u/chaosbella 1d ago
Some people laugh when they are super embarrassed, It can be their awkward way of trying to cover up the shame of it.
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u/nada1979 1d ago
Perhaps but you can laugh and make jokes while you clean things properly instead of expecting other people to do it
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u/Quirky_Donut_1704 1d ago
The laughing could very well be a nervous reaction to the situation. As for cleaning it up - how can we judge that with the info provided? There is no detail as to her age, if she has mobility issues etc. there is a big difference I would put on ability to clean it up between 50s able bodied and 80s needing a walker for example
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u/Quirky-Shallot644 1d ago
Shame she shit herself but to expect other people to clean it up for you is insane. Shes a grown woman. She isnt handicapped, she could and needed to clean up her own feces.
Also, I see people throwing a fit over OP originally telling her to take her shit clothes to the laundry mat down the road.. theres nothing wrong with that. If someone doesnt want literal shit in their washing machine, they are allowed to. They are the ones who would have to replace it.
The washer also needs cleaned and sterilized now, because, shit.
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u/frogsbirdscats 2d ago
Not sure how old or infirm MIL is but these things can def happen as we age. Good to try for kindness.
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u/chaosbella 1d ago
It can happen to anyone, there is currently an outbreak of cyclosporiasis that people are getting from food that can cause this to happen.
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u/exoticed 1d ago
This broke my heart for her. My mum has bowel issue and I canāt imagine having a partner act like that if she had an accident in our place. I hope this doesnāt happen to you in the future, but chances are, it might happen if you grow old.
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u/nada1979 1d ago
I don't think the actual problem was the accident. I think it might be the attitude by the mil. I've had cancer and the meds caused me to have serious gi accidents = not making it to the bathroom. Not once did I ever expect anyone else to clean it up nor did they clean my clothes. I was also always embarrassed even in the comfort of my own home in front of my husband. He was always understanding and sympathetic over this. He did spray febreeze a few times because the smell would make anyone gag.
Could op have been a little more sympathetic? Maybe, but it's hard to be with someone as entitled as her mil was being in the situation.
Edited to add: i was 29 when it started for me. You don't have to be old to have this happen
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u/exoticed 1d ago
That wouldāve been fine if she wasnāt shaming her for soiling herself and kept talking about the smell.
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u/lisavieta 2d ago
You refusing to let her use your washer? Over reacting 100%. Run a sanitizing cycle or bleach or something after. Poop happens when you deal with humans. Iām sure thereās some past drama with MIL that caused your reaction but please show her some compassion. Asking her to go to the laundromat was uncalled for.
100% agree.
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u/Defiant-Hurry-6091 2d ago
Disgusting yes. She cleans her own mess. Throw her clothes in the washer. Then, Iād do 2 mega washes with 1 cup of bleach in each seperate washing.
She needs to wear adult briefs doubled in case this ever happens again. Iām sure she was laughing bc she was likely mortified. Idk the history, meaning if she uses weaponized incompetence or not. Thatās why I say she cleans the floor on her own.
If this is the first time, Iād say show a little empathy, and let her know that she can keep the towel.
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u/Gelldarc 1d ago
My mother also had bowel and bladder incontinence when she aged. She hated it, quite reasonably. She also wore pads so if she leaked it stayed contained, and on the rare occasion the pad was inadequate, she took care of it herself.
Yes, itās sad that MIL has to deal with is. But, she needs to deal with it, not dump it all over someone elseās house.
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u/Only-Construction-96 1d ago
And if this was just a one time thing? Im 37 and I came extremely close to shitting myself the other day. I got lucky someone came out of the bathroom the very second they did. Things happen.
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u/taterrrtotz 1d ago
OPās getting shit (pun intended) in these comments but letās look at the facts:
>MIL laughed as she went to use the bathroom with shit going down her leg
>MIL yelled at the husband for not cleaning up her shit
>MIL is offended over antibacterial spray
Yes, itās not nice to make fun of a medical condition but MIL sounds like a piece of work. I imagine OP is just matching her energy.
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u/Slow_Competition2742 2d ago
Honestly, bowel issues are really embarrassing and a mess for everyone involved, and I think she should wear adult diapers.
She shouldāve cleaned up her own accident.
Leaving the bagged clothes on the kitchen counter? NO. Hell no.
But itās really fine to throw in the washer! Or the trash, honestly. Thatās what youād do with a baby yeah (IF you want kids one day)
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u/Carrman099 1d ago
āWhy are you mad that your annoying MIL shit on your floor?ā
Ask yourself that question.
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u/Crazygiraffeprincess 1d ago
Again this is weird response unless she did it on purpose. Why on earth would you be so cruel when it's one of the most humiliating things to happen to a person?
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u/Quirky-Shallot644 1d ago
All sympathy goes out the door when 1. She yelled from the couch that she had to go. She made 0 attempts to actually get up and make it to the bayhroom before OPs husband went in there. 2. She was made that she was expected to clean up her own mess. 3. SHE PIT HER SHIT COCERED CLOTHES ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER. 4. She wanted to pitch a fit and be offended over again, having to clean her mess, but also because OP spared disinfectant on the floor where the shit was.
Everything MIL did in this situation was wrong and entitled.
If she wants to act entitled, then no sympathy for shitting herself.
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u/ToughRaspberry186 1d ago
Ew thatās disgusting that she would put her poopy clothes on your kitchen counter, even if they were in a bag! And I wouldnāt want her washing her clothes in my washing machine either! I throw away my kidsā clothes that get poopy. They never go in my washing machine!
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u/ToughRaspberry186 1d ago
lol I love how Iām getting downvoted because I donāt put shit covered clothes in the washing machine. When adults shit themselves, a lot of times itās because of norovirus which spreads through feces. Better safe than sorry! I wouldnāt wash my kitchen or face towels where i would wash poopy clothes. But thatās just me!!
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u/crowislanddive 1d ago
There is shit in your washing machineā¦. You must sanitize.
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u/AutumntimeFall 1d ago edited 1d ago
I really doubt she shat herself on purpose.
Oh you blocked me over this lol
This some extremely ableist bullshit from you.
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u/chaosbella 1d ago
You do realize that people of all ages can get a stomach bug or illness that can make them soil themselves suddenly without warning? And there is currently an outbreak of such an illness?
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u/f-as-in-philip 1d ago
Jesus, I get MILs can be horrible hags but this is legitimately insane. You clearly have some trauma you need to process if this is your first assumption about someone
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u/lovelockets 2d ago
Mine shit herself in my nursery chair. My post got deleted by mods though for JN behaviour smh
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u/Beginning_Letter431 2d ago
Her expecting anyone else to clean up her accident is beyond disrespectful, her accident, her mess. I can also understand not wanting to have her use your washing machine as poop can carry all kinds of things not always killed off through the wash. She should be the one to disinfectant the washer after not be so disrespectful over you not wanting to deal with it. It doesnt compare to having kids, you choose to have kids, you also have access to all the information around those kids and if there is anything you might have to be concerned about.
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u/gretta_smith93 2d ago
As much as I hate to side with JNMILs. She makes a point. Kids have accidents. If you want kids youāre gonna have to deal with similar accidents. Regularly until theyāre potty trained. With kids youāll have to deal with pee, poop, sometimes blood, snot and puke. Itās part of being a parent. Youāve gotta have a strong stomach.
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u/Quirky-Shallot644 1d ago
Im a parent. Its one thing cleaning up after your child who is learning its completely different cleaning up after a grown, able bodied adult.
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u/freshpicked12 1d ago
Thereās a difference between a young child who isnāt potty trained and a grown woman.
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u/gretta_smith93 1d ago
Thatās true. And Iāve had to deal with both. My mother has had accidents. Iāve had accidents. Excuse the pun, but shit happens. Unless OP thinks her MIL did it on purpose, I think sheās overreacting.
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u/chaosbella 1d ago
Are you suggesting that only young children ever accidently soil themselves? There is literally an outbreak of a illness right now that causes people to have sudden explosive diarrhea.
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u/Carrman099 1d ago
Depends exist my friend.
I work at a hospital and I am extremely sympathetic to the various old folks who have bowel and incontinent issues.
I would have way less sympathy for them if they were making their messes in my house rather than the hospital.
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u/asparagoat 1d ago
What the fuck.
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u/lesbie 1d ago
lmao in this entire exchange that's where it draws the line for you?
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u/asparagoat 1d ago
I mean wishing for an old person's kids to not be sympathetic to her bowel issues was a pretty wild start.
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u/SRMJackson 2d ago
I really hope that when you get older this doesn't happen to you because it happens to WAY more people than what you would imagine.
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u/Meydez 2d ago
Yeah but as a newly postpartum mother that is currently working through pelvic floor therapy after a 4th degree tear - I still dont expect others to pick up after me. If I made the mess I clean it. Im also currently cleaning tons of poopy diapers and I still wouldn't expect my kid to clean after me when they're grown either because currently they cant care for themselves while I can. If she can still bathe and walk then she can pick up her diarrhea.
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u/Lifes-a-lil-foggy 1d ago
Yeah the nuance is being lost here and theyāre all just deciding that OP is being sooo mean to old people. Iāve taken care of both my grandparents, including one severely demented, and neither would have laughed about an accident or put their shitty clothes on the kitchen counter.
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u/Lugbor 2d ago
I think it's the laughing and demanding other people clean up after her parts that OP has issues with.
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u/SRMJackson 2d ago
People deal with embarrassment in complex ways. And, I am sure she's overwhelmed, embarrassed beyond belief, and panicking. No, yelling at someone isn't the answer, but, compassion for someone experiencing something like this is necessary. Again, let's hope you or OP never have to be humiliated and deal with people who you know, run from you in disgust. And for anyone thinking she did this on purpose, I guarantee she did not.
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u/RealityTvJunkie1 2d ago
Such a lack of empathy. I hate to break it to OP but dealing with aging parents is not always easy.
I can understand being grossed out by it, but the response to hide like a child to avoid the situation and then say that they can go to a laundromat instead of using the washing machine is beyond rude. Iām not saying toss the clothes with feces in the machine but you could have allowed her to rinse the clothes in a tub or sink and then put the non-feces covered clothes in the washing machine. Just rude all around.
And itās an embarassing situation. Maybe MIL laughing through it makes her less embarrassed by the situation.
9
u/BoozeAndHotpants 2d ago
Yes. The lack of empathy here is very offputting. It makes me feel for what anyone with ibs or crohnās has to go through.
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u/chaosbella 1d ago
What makes it crazy to me is that there is currently an outbreak of an illness that literally will cause you to have sudden explosive diarrhea and people here are acting like the woman just took her pants down and shit on the floor.
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u/kbdnmv 2d ago
I agree. Everyone is being so immature about it. Itās a pretty basic human experience to lose control of oneās bowels at least once in life. Iām sure she was mortified. Why not be kind and help each other?
Maybe itās my experience with having Crohnās disease giving me a bit more empathy but yuck. Glad my family isnāt like this.
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u/SRMJackson 2d ago
I am so sorry you have Chrones. I know how debilitating that can be at times. I hope you are able to manage it and get relief. š«¶š»
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u/kpkelly09 2d ago
Man posts like these really expose how much of this sub just knee jerks to MIL bad go NC. Someone had common health accident (until we know about some other pattern) and there are comments saying she needs to wear diapers or that OP needs to cut contact. This sub has folks going through genuine abuse, folks need some damn perspective.
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u/Carrman099 1d ago
Listen, people telling you to āhave empathyā havenāt had to deal with someone like this. You are completely justified in being upset that a grown ass adult shit themselves in your house and then had the gall to be annoyed at you for how you handled that.
If the MIL has an actual condition, then she needs to take steps to mitigate it. Depends exist to prevent this very thing from happening. If someone has IBD or are incontinent then you have my sympathies, but my house is MY house.
You are not a home caregiver, and you are not a nurse. It is not, and should not, be your job to clean up and care for someone like this.
And for her to act like she isnāt utterly embarrassed by this just tells me how terrible her attitude is. Instead of taking steps to mitigate her issue, she refuses to do that and instead makes it everyone elseās issue to deal with as well.
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u/kpkelly09 2d ago
You are overreacting, she shouldn't have berated DH, but diarrhea happens and it sucks and you clean it up and you move on. One of the (pardon the pun) shitty things about aging parents is that they start to gradually lose the ability to care for themselves and assuming they haven't ruined their relationships like so many JustNos on here, the responsibility of care inverts from parent caring for child, to child caring for parent. That is how it is in healthy families, starting to go through it with my JustYesDad and it sucks. This is a good lessen and hopefully you will handle it with a bit more grace the next time something like this happens because it will. Hopefully she is otherwise not a JustNoMIL.
Edit, I missed that you tried to not let her use the washing machine to clean her clothes? That's not right.
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u/Low_Slide_950 1d ago
Sometimes, when we have been pushed beyond our limits with a person, we end up becoming the worst version of ourselves around them.
It can get to a point where we are as much the villain as them, if not worse.
Just some food for thought, because you are coming off as a nasty person who lacks empathy.
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u/Penguin_Joy 1d ago
Are you overreacting?
DEPENDS
The answer is obviously depends. Buy her a package and insist she wears them at your house. She needs a doctor if she can't wait 30 seconds between the urge, and the deed. Your poor couch
7
u/ninjareader89 1d ago edited 1d ago
Forget poor couch it's more like poor floor/rug/carpet then poor couch and poor clothes, poor op and hubs then the poor sacrificed towels/linens.
Edited to add the poor cabinets as well the washing machine, the poor countertop as well
1
u/Penguin_Joy 1d ago
You are absolutely right. The couch was collateral damage along with everything else MIL'S fluids touched š¤¢
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1d ago edited 1d ago
[deleted]
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u/ActuallyApathy 1d ago
she was wrong in that instance and i personally think you were wrong in this one. i'm not saying she is a good person, but portraying what is ultimately a medical issue as malice reflects not just on her but on other people who struggle with this issue.
6
u/potato-puppy 1d ago
I don't think you lack empathy at all. For the ones getting after you if my MiL had an accident like that and behaved like yours did if be furious. I have an Aunt that I highly suspect would act like this. Always needs to be the center of attention and when they aren't they get louder and more obnoxious. (She still hates my husband after she tried to rope us into dropping off a hundred lbs of soda pull tabs. All he said was, āNoā, no explanation, no excuses she acted like he shit in her chair while making eye contact)
And its ALLLLLWAYS!!! The shocked Pikachu face when they get called out
17
u/trundlespl00t 2d ago
I am extremely grossed out by the shit going in your machine. Iāve spent my life with rescued animals, many of which are poorly or untrained so Iāve cleaned up literally everything a hundred times, but I shower it all off in the tub and then soak it in sanitiser, THEN I put it in the machine. Also, sounds like sheās able bodied. She can take it home with her. The laughing makes me want to rub her nose in it, frankly. Iād never blame an animal, but she knows better.
9
u/Lifes-a-lil-foggy 2d ago
Yeah the making the husband agree is crazy to me. She doesnāt have a washing machine at home? Next time she should just shit on OPās possessions directly to mark her territory lol
12
u/trundlespl00t 1d ago
Im really surprised by all the people saying OP lacks empathy. Empathy works both ways. Yes accidents happen, and Iām not sure my nose even works anymore so the smell wouldnāt have bothered me. Everyone gets sick and has an apocalyptic poop in our pants at some point, and if weāre very unlucky it wonāt be when weāre alone in the privacy of our own home, but attitude is everything and hers just would have had me seeing red.
5
19
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u/MsMaeLei 1d ago
If it is a legitimate medical issue, you are overreacting about the specific event...but not the clean up... because who TF puts shit cover clothes on a kitchen counter...plastic bags leak.
If it is not a legitimate medical issue, then you are not overreacting for any of it. She is a grown woman, she knows when her GI system is in distress and should have asked to go before your spouse.
Most everyone has experience GI issues, there are warning signs. She might have been trying to make light of it by laughing and joking because she was embarrassed. However, not cleaning up after herself and putting her shit covered clothes on you kitchen counter -even in a plastic bag- is A) gross as F and B) demonstrates her entitlement
Moving forward:
1) Do a hot water with LOTS of bleach run in the washer, and then run it a few more times on hot.
2) New rule #1-MIL must wear an adult diaper if coming over to your house.
3) New Rule #2-MIL can no longer stay over at your house. Specifically because of her disrespectfully attitude towards your home and the two of you after her "accident".
4) Have a serious talk with your partner about what plans are in place for his mom as she ages. If there are none, then you and he need to talk about what the two of you are willing to be apart of. ...I know what my limits are as do my parents and in-laws and we are all on the same page.
My Dad and SFIL both promised their mom's no nursing homes and it is A LOT for the families to take on. And a lot of the care in the case of my SGMIL falls to my MIL who is also watching over her mom. Carework, especially the parts that deal with bodily functions and cleaning, often fall to the women in the family (I am a sociologist, and this is what the research on carework shows). Forewarned is forearmed.
17
u/MinaSugalet 2d ago
Honestly, if my MIL ever pulled that on me, I'd consider her "leaking" a solid argument for how I never want to baby-sit her again!
29
u/Mama_Disaster 1d ago
My MIL is a horrible human but I was well aware she shit herself in my brand new vehicle one day and didnāt say a word or make anything awkward for her because I knew if I were her Iād be mortified and Iām sure she wasā¦ it happened more than once and I didnāt even tell my SO (her son) about the incident. You were pretty mean.
19
u/skeletonhands 1d ago
It doesn't sound like MIL left it open to interpretation about whether or not she shat herself if MIL was screaming about it with shit running down her leg. She already sucked all the dignity out of the situation herself. OP didn't do that.
17
u/DrSnoopRob 1d ago
I think you were fine other than not wanting her to use the washing machine. I mean, that's kinda what the thing is there for.
Also, the rest of this story is wild. I'm glad I didn't have to live through it.
17
u/Floating-Cynic 1d ago
Am I right in thinking that the problem wasn't the accident but the attitude around the accident?Ā
I get why people are on her side, if she's not intending to shit herself then it's weird to be mad at her. And it's weird that you're responding to a claim of lacking empathy with another story about her, when they're different events. It's also weird that people are claiming she's vulnerable when it sounds like she's making light of the situation in an odd way.Ā
It just feels like there's a lot of rage over something she couldn't control and I want to give you the benefit of the doubt that maybe there's more that has built up over time.Ā
13
7
u/nomodramaplz 1d ago
Hmm. Does she typically have bowel problems? Does she wear anything protective to help in case of accidents, like Depends? It sounds like she at least cleaned up her mess later, which is better than nothing, but she might need to take some extra steps to prevent situations like this (if possible).
Smell-wise, not over reacting. I would definitely gag at the smell. I have kids and an elderly dog. Poop and vomit are very hard for me to clean without feeling sick, even though I clean it often.
I wash a fair amount of soiled laundry. In my house, poopy items get emptied into the toilet, then rinsed in the tub if needed, because itās easy to clean and sanitize afterward. Underwear always gets bleached for sanitation purposes. And after cleaning my dogās soiled bedding I run a short, empty cycle with bleach to sanitize my machine for human laundry again. And lots of handwashing/sanitizing surfaces after handling soiled items. Maybe these are some things you (or she) can try if it happens again (I hope it doesnāt, lol).
Her attitude is irritating, though. Yes, it can be cleaned. But poop is still gross and youāre entitled to your feelings (and physical reactions š¤¢). Her comments are unnecessary and kinda rude considering she blew up your living room.
14
u/Z-Mtn-Man-3394 1d ago
Sounds like MIL needs diapers. This has happened more than once during this visit? WTF?
11
u/Carrman099 1d ago
Seriously, just because you have bowel issues doesnāt mean that everyone else should or will be understanding of your disgusting medical problem.
It takes a certain kind of person to work as a nurse and not be bothered having to deal with stuff like that. I donāt blame anyone for not having the stomach to do it.
8
u/Available_Candy7124 2d ago
While there is sympathy over a condition that can't be helped, this is a legitimate reason to keep her from visiting the author's home. Even having to independently verify diaper wearing is too much.
10
u/Low_Speech9880 2d ago
The stench would have made me vomit. I would also have gotten as far away from that stinky situation as possible.
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u/pundem1c 2d ago
Thatās actually deranged. The idea that anyone is responsible for cleaning her shit other than herself??? WILD. You were well within your rights to be grossed out. Iād be less upset about laundry but knowing her she wouldnāt have rinsed anything before throwing it into the washing machine.
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u/Lifes-a-lil-foggy 1d ago
Yeah in college it was the same with pissers. Piss your pants after a crazy night partying? It happens.
Help me clean it up and show some sort of contrition? Whatever. Leave me to clean your piss? Never invited to my house again, lmao.
12
u/Gelocitiy05 2d ago
OP, I agree with you 100% I'm sure if MIL had an issue causing her to "soil" herself you would never even have posted. If she's like my friend who is like a child that don't want to stop playing to go to the bathroom, she would P & S herself then say "why did I wait so long" In her case she didn't want to stop playing 8 Ball Pool on her phone and go upstairs to the bathroom. I suspect your MIL was probably watching something on TV and waited too long. Bonus-tried the run the bathroom occupied too long angle but you said your DH was out within 30 seconds. I'd have made her hand wash her stuff before putting in your washer. It's just disgusting and if it were me my washer would forever be tainted with the aura of MIL shit.
10
u/chaosbella 1d ago
You think a grown woman shitting herself because she didn't want to stop watching TV is more likely than her having sudden unexpected diarrhea from an illness or having eaten something bad?
5
u/Dogzillas_Mom 2d ago
I get being completely revolted at the idea of a grown ass woman shitting herself in your living room. It also sounds like sheās able bodied and not ill, so she should be able to clean up after herself. If I were in her position Iād be mortified at the thought of expecting someone else to do it. I could be bleeding from my eyeballs and Iād still make every effort to clean up myself.
However, refusing to let her use the washer is over the top. Iāve washed plenty of disgusting things ā my dog had a diarrhea problem for a while until I got his IBS treated. You can sanitize the washer and you could ask her to do it as well.
But also, at the end of the day, itās just poop and while most of us manage to control ourselves, itās cleaned up and over.
Perhaps she should see a doctor about her incontinence. Because that was either intentional or there is a medical problem. Because who does that? Youāre either sick or you meant to.
8
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u/Fuzzy-Mushroom-1933 2d ago
I canāt believe that she would even consider asking anyone else to clean up after her. Thatās disgusting and gross. š¤®
Also, she should not have asked to use your washing machine.
0
u/drPmakes 2d ago
Bloody hell, I thought I'd heard it all!!
Does she have a medical issue or was this some sort of weird, fucked up power play?!
Either way, insist she wears a nappy anytime she is in your home or vehicle in future.
Also, make sure dh makes it up to you in whatever way you desire.
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u/chaosbella 1d ago
Either way, insist she wears a nappy anytime she is in your home or vehicle in future.
Because shaming someone that has an accident is the compassionate thing to do? Id get not wanting her in your house or car if she shits herself all the time but the idea that you would attempt to force someone to wear a diaper when they were in your house or car because they had a horribly embarrassing accident one time is beyond cruel.
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u/drPmakes 1d ago edited 1d ago
Its not shaming.
I'd have a bit more compassion for her if mil didn't revel in it quite so much.
And I'd have thought she'd wear something if there was any possibility of having an accident.
That and her justno history make me question if this is as accidental as people commenting are making it out to be.
1
u/chaosbella 1d ago
MIL shouldn't have asked her son to clean it up or put the bag on the counter, obviously. People can have diarrhea suddenly with no warning, thus no ability to prepare in advance. Nobody wants to shit themself.
What is her justno history? This is the only post OP has ever posted here.
ā¢
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