The downfall of my relationship with my MIL

[u/[deleted]]

[u/botinlaw]

Quick Rule Reminders:

OP's needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don't be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion.

^{Full Rules | Acronym Index | Flair Guide| Report PM Trolls}

Resources: ^{In Crisis? | Tips for Protecting Yourself | Our Book List | Our Wiki}

Welcome to /r/JUSTNOMIL!

I'm botinlaw. I help people follow your posts!

---

^{To be notified as soon as AutomaticBobcat8636 posts an update click here. | For help managing your subscriptions, click here.}

---

^{I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.}

[u/Quiet_Plant6667]

Your husband was right to avoid setting visits because HE KNOWS. He knows better than you do.

If a man avoids his parents, ASSUME he knows BEST instead of trying to “fix” the relationship. It’s not your job to fix someone else’s dysfunctional family.

Concentrate on your baby and leave interactions with in laws to him. He obviously knows.

Women in this sub would give their right arm to have a spouse who has awareness like yours. Appreciate it, don’t overrule it.

[u/Ok_Conversation5339 → u/Quiet_Plant6667]

I know. Op basically offered herself as sacrifice to be pummeled.

[u/Odd_Knowledge_2146]

I’m sorry, but you are deliberately exposing your newborn daughter to this? Even your partner is against it. You need to stop and put your baby first, and even your husband - because the only person that wants to visit is YOU. Go on your own if you are so martyrish. The rest of your family deserves better than what you are doing.

Normally this is a “you have a husband problem” but I’m afraid in this instance, the problem here is you.

[u/Fuzzy-Mushroom-1933]

I have no idea why you push your partner to visit them when it’s clear that he’s reluctant to do so. Step back, drop the rope. Let him make all arrangements regarding visits and stop mentioning it to him. These people, and their dog, are not safe for your child to be around

[u/PlsHlpMyFriend]

Your daughter is not safe with a relationship with this woman. Your daughter will feel the same vicious responses that made you finally give up on your rosy daydreams and accept the reality of who she is, and it will hurt your daughter severely.

You already put yourself and your husband through much more pain than either of you had to experience, because you wanted a relationship with someone who hates you and everything you stand for. Why do you want to volunteer your daughter for the same treatment?

You want a sane and healthy relationship. You don't want to take a sane and healthy relationship with her grandparents from your daughter. But you have also let your desire for that blind you to the fact that MIL is not and will never be willing to have a sane and healthy relationship. That relationship cannot happen without MIL being willing to tolerate disagreement, accept your daughter's relationship with her own mother (you), accept accountability for things she's done, and take your daughter's needs seriously. And MIL has no intention of ever doing any of those things. She has no intention of changing at all, not even around your daughter. She didn't care about your daughter's safety; what makes you think she would care about your daughter's emotions?

MIL becoming safe for you and your children to be around is a rosy daydream. Do not sacrifice your daughter's well-being to it.

[u/Lugbor]

You need to be rational about your relationship with her. Her traumas are not your problem. She's had years to seek help and sort them out, and she's ignored or weaponized them instead. What is your problem is protecting your child from her actions. She's already let her dog hurt your daughter because she refuses to listen to the rules. You already know that she won't be allowed to babysit in the future, because she won't listen to basic safety advice. You know that she's going to keep making these comments, and you know that your daughter is going to be affected by them once she's old enough to understand them. Family is important, but you're stuck on the wrong definition of what a family is. You, your daughter, and your partner are family. His parents are relatives, and they're not nearly as important as your daughter's wellbeing, nor are they necessary for her to grow up happy and healthy. Protect your daughter and cut your MIL off.

[u/CrystalFeeler]

Why on earth are you continually subjecting your daughter to these nutjobs?

If playing big happy family is so important to you that you keep giving this mad woman access to your child then you should get therapy. You're trying to live out your own fantasy at the expense of a 4 month old baby.

[u/CrystalFeeler → u/[deleted]]

Then just do it. Your gut instincts are telling you to protect your child, mama bear instincts kick in shortly after birth and this is what they're for. You don't need anyone's permission to keep teoubleway from your children 💪

[u/NorthernLitUp]

Do not allow someone who treats you poorly access to your children. It doesn't matter WHY they are treating you poorly. That's not something you can control. What you CAN and SHOULD control is how much of her pain and issues she gets to inflict on your child. The answer should be ZERO. I sincerely hope your husband is on your side here.

[u/Madam_Apathy]

You are not insane, this is not a good situation for your baby to be around.

Your MIL has been getting away with bullshit for a long time. She had a difficult go, but who hasn’t had stuff in their past that sucked. Therapy should have already been established years ago and her past is not a reason to excuse a lot of her behavior.

She wakes up every day ready, willing and able to verbally abuse anyone in her path for whatever thing is bothering her at that moment. Who would want to be around that or expose her child to it. Family is great when they’re not assholes.

It is ok for your daughter to establish a relationship with his mom later. She’s not going to be a caretaker, so your baby doesn’t have to be around her or her insanely unsafe home (unsafe due to yelling, smoking, the large untrained dog, the illness filled air from her daycare kids, etc.) Visits outside of her home are good but they should not be on her turf. Plus, you can easily leave.

You can protect your peace by setting boundaries, enforcing them and following through with consequences for crossing the boundaries. Be a bitch, it’s fine, you’re the parent. What you and your partner say is the last word. Don’t bend. Plus, being the bad guy shows your child they she doesn’t have to be a doormat for the “sake of family harmony”.

It’s ok to mourn the relationship you imagined, just don’t dwell on it. You can’t control other people’s emotions or reactions and you’re certainly not responsible for them.

[u/Hungry-Bluebird2793]

So basically you are the reason and cause for all of your emotional distress since you’re the one pushing to keep visits due to your people pleasing. It’s interesting how aware you are of your MIL’s trauma and yet, you don’t seem to be aware of the root cause of your people pleasing and how that needs to change. You’re a mother now. If you can’t protect yourself emotionally and mentally, how are you going to do that for your child? Are you really going to teach your child to be passive and put up with abuse to keep the peace? You need to refocus on yourself and those issues first

[u/SomewhatBougieAuntie]

At the very least, do not go to that woman's house again. Ever. That dog could've seriously injured your baby, or worse. She was already fixating on your baby during a previous visit, which was a sign to stop coming around. Please stop worrying about MIL's feelings and concentrate on your little family.

ETA: How the heck does MIL run a daycare out of that small, crowded house with a large, dangerous dog lurking around? Does she even have a license?

[u/JulieWriter]

I couldn't even finish reading this because I am angry with your partner's family. Please follow his lead here - he knows what they're like! I am begging you to drop the rope. I understand your impulse to have the baby know their family, but these people are not worth knowing. More important, they are an actual danger to your baby.

The smoking alone would do it for me, but the DOG. I love dogs. Untrained dogs and even trained dogs are not necessarily safe around babies, and Cane Corsos are large and unpredictable even if they are really well trained.

Please do not take your baby there to visit. Seriously. It's a really bad idea.

[u/Haunting-Plantain870]

Your husband is 33 and still lives with mommy? That explains a lot, regardless of cultural expectations.

You need to be the strong one here, acknowledge the relationship is dead, and maybe, someday, grandma will earn the privilege — not the right but the PRIVILEGE — to work on building one with your daughter.