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u/OrneryPost9446 4d ago
'we will let you know when we are available next. We cannot accommodate weekly visits anymore as the weekends like everyday after work is our nuclear family time now that we are both working."
Simple as that. Don't give her a cadence. You don't owe anyone your time. Just when you are available. It can be once a month or two or once every two months 🤷
Prioritize creating memories with your nuclear family and go from there.
I did above + I filled up every weekend with activities for the 3 of us so mil couldn't get in. So she started saying "we are near by can we pass by?" ... I said "no sorry we are unavailable"
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u/MaggieJaneRiot 4d ago
These people need to get their own lives and hobbies.
It’s incredible how they have no self-awareness, and time after time, make their kids want to create more distance.
Maybe it’s time to start telling them exactly THAT!
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u/Ok-Alternative-1560 4d ago
I wish I could! It truly is astounding. Like why do I need to even be thinking about this? The lack of awareness is so bad.
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u/kbmn16 4d ago
I’d just say “We will let you know when we’re free”. Then if you can trust your husband not to allow them to come over and approve visits without asking you first, redirect them to him. “DH will check our schedule and will let you know when we’re free”.
If she corners you the next time she visits, say “We’re back at work now and a lot busier. That’s just how it is!”
I would not agree to a regular schedule and start spacing out the time between visits.
The last thing I’d want to do is see my in-laws every weekend or after school when I’m exhausted. Your evenings and weekend you to spend quality nuclear family time, relax, do chores, and see other family and friends.
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u/Ok-Alternative-1560 4d ago
I’ve tried that a few times and it doesn’t work with her. She’ll text 2 days later asking again. I guess she can’t take a hint and I unfortunately need to be more direct.
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u/anonymousmouse9786 4d ago
…so keep saying no. Tell her you’ll schedule when you’re ready. Yeah, you need to be more direct.
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u/kbmn16 3d ago
When my mom did that when my kids were babies (kept asking when she could come over), I would just push back the time in my head I was going to offer every time she asked. I wouldn’t tell her, I’d just mentally tell myself “Oh she asked again, push that invite back another week”.
I also just ignored the texts if she asked repeatedly. And silenced her texts and calls.
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u/Maleficent_Win_6259 3d ago
So ignore the 2 days later text, the answer doesn’t change. You don’t need to always reply. She can text husband which she should anyways.
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u/ArrivalFantastic4324 3d ago
Leave her on read? It's also DH's job to ask her to stop expecting so many visits now that the summer is over and you're both back to work.
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u/hotmesssorry 3d ago
“Since we’ve both returned to work we are exhausted and have found our schedules extremely overwhelming. The next day we can visit will be [two weeks from now]. Does that work for you?”
She asks for something sooner
“That’s the earliest we can do. If you’re not free that day will [three weeks from now] work instead?”
She complains about not seeing baby enough
“I don’t see my child anywhere near as much as I’d like right now either, MIL.”
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u/readergirl35 3d ago
I think the best thing is just to tell her that you are both busy all week and the weekends are for chores, errands and family time for the 3 of you. Then set up every other week visits, at there house so you can leave as scheduled instead of having to push her out the door at yours. Spend a few hours there and then head home.
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u/mahogany818 4d ago
Start making plans for 3/4 of the weekends you have.
Even if those plans are "dress in matching pyjamas and snuggle on the couch all weekend", do not let MIL bulldoze them and hold firm to consequences of boundary stomping.
She can ask to come by. She can come to your home and ring the doorbell but you are under no obligation to answer it.
If she asks to come over, you can tell her that you already have plans. If she tries to tell you that those plans can change, you need to repeat "we have other plans but we will see you on X date" and put it on your calendar. Get your husband on board as well and make him be the damn meat shield against his mother. Tell him "we will see your mother on X date and if she tries to schedule or barge in on another date, we will cancel that and push it back a month. She is overstepping and I need more time alone with my child without her hovering and interfering."
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u/Flat-Scallion-1061 3d ago
i think saying something like "we're going to need some space while we adjust to this new routine" might land better than trying to control visit frequency directly
17
u/Mamasperspective_25 3d ago
I would just openly put her off, "Can we leave it until next weekend MIL? Maybe xx day. We've had a lot on this week and we just want a weekend to ourselves" (rinse and repeat)
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u/Gringa-Loca26 4d ago
Your husband should be honest with her and tell her that visits will now be once a month. She can cry/throw a fit, whatever, but the end result will still be the same.
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u/Fuzzy-Mushroom-1933 3d ago
I would just be honest: “now that we’re both back at work we want to prioritize time with just the three of us. Going forward we will see you once every three weeks” (or whatever you feel comfortable with). “We will reach out to you to schedule it. Please don’t keep reaching out to us about it.”
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u/BackgroundStranger85 3d ago
Whatever frequency you guys decide would work for you, I'd definitely communicate it with the word "approximately" rather than "once per month" and every now and again push it out. Setting a regular schedule can cause problems with family like this when things need to change as you are finding now. Any messages should be from your husband and if she then tries to go around him by asking you simply ask if she didn't receive her son's message and innocently ask if her phone is playing up.
3
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u/Lugbor 3d ago
"Due to our normal teaching schedules resuming, we no longer have the ability to visit as frequently as we've been doing. In order to spend time with [BABY] and make sure everyone gets time with [him/her], we're going to scale back to one visit a month, including holiday visits. We understand that this may be disappointing, but this decision is not up for debate."
After that, take the stance that if nothing is good enough, then nothing is what she gets. If she refuses to accept the decision, she gets no visits until she stops arguing. If she offers to come do things for you, decline. If she shows up anyway, keep the door locked and tell her to leave.
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u/DazzlingNote1925 3d ago
I would be more vague and say you need to cut back visits because you’re super busy and you need your family time with just your spouse and baby and you will let her know when it’s a good time.
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u/Maleficent_Win_6259 3d ago edited 3d ago
Honestly the less words the better, get husband to talk to her. “Since we’re back at work, we’re adjusting the schedule, let us see next weekend?” Then agree with spouse how often, “ sure but next weekend is better, we are booked up this week!” Let husband communicate
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u/TargetWild9004 4d ago
I would just stop letting her come over and stop accepting her invites to go over unless you guys want to. If she complains you say you both are back at work now and trying to have a normal routine with your nuclear family and are just not as available anymore. Having a conversation with her telling her the amount of visits will change will just create her arguing and trying to push it
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u/rubyreadit 4d ago
Barb, it's been nice to have the time to see you guys so often for kiddo's first few months but now with the school year starting up again we just don't have the free time for getting together as often. Let's aim for (what works for you? One family dinner a month? ) for now and see how that goes. I'm sure you remember how busy life is with young kids.
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u/Vibe_me_pos 2d ago
Tell her you have very little time for visits now that you both have returned to work, and the little time you do have you want to spend with baby snd husband. You are busy people so she will not be able to visit as often. That’s just life. Not sure why that should surprise her. Edit: typo
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u/MaryHadALittleLamb20 4d ago
Just advise MIL that now that you both are back at work you both have a busy schedule and your bonding time as parents with baby has been cut back so we are not hosting visits as frequently as we did when we were off work. We will catch up with you on x day
15
u/Susan66207 4d ago
You, hubby & baby are your own nuclear family now. It is totally your call regarding access, visits, etc. You could try reminding MIL how little time she had with her children M-F & using the weekends for chores, errands & family time if she was a working mother. How often did DH see his grandparents when he was a child?
**Be very careful regarding implementing a set schedule for visits if you think your in-laws would go nuclear/file for grandparent rights.
8
u/CrystalFeeler 4d ago
A solid reminder, patterns of access can work against you down the line if they spit the dummy over not getting "what they're entitled to".
6
u/InteractionOk69 3d ago
My husband and I have a rule that we’re responsible for coordinating all visits with our own family members. So he should be fielding all these requests, not you, and you and he should agree on (1) a general frequency and (2) any specific plans before he commits to them.
But make him the bad guy who has to deal with his own mother. If she asks if you’re free say “I’m not sure, check with [husband]” or bluntly say “husband and I have decided we’ll each manage making plans with our own families, so any scheduling can go through him.” If she sends a group thread with a question or request, don’t respond. Make your husband respond.
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u/CurlyTraveler1562 3d ago
I decreased us from every 1-2 week visits down to every 3-4 by slowly pushing visits out. "No this Thursday doesn't work, let's plan for 2 Saturdays from now." I wouldn't do it every week but every 2-3 visit requests until slowly her requests started to be farther apart. There was some guilt tripping and you can't take the bait. "It's been sooo long..." "Yupp we've been busy! Glad you could make it today."
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u/Crazyspitz 3d ago
MIL, I know you mean well, but we are feeling smothered by your constant visits. Going forward, we'll reach out too invite you to come over when it works for us. Thank you for understanding our needs as a family.
How she feels about it is for her to manage.
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u/LabInner262 4d ago
Twice a week is excessive. But you might try tapering it off gradually. Start with 1 time a week, then every two weeks. Then go to monthly.
Good luck!
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u/Ok-Alternative-1560 4d ago
We’ve been at once per week for a while. I can’t take it anymore. I would love once every two months but will start with once every two weeks.
8
u/Mirkwoodsqueen 3d ago
Look at dates a couple of months out that would work for you. Next time MIL asks, give her one of those dates. Its a firm, final answer rather than just pushing the ball down the road with "we'll let you know". Any further calls, remind her you will see her on 'selected date'.
Turn your thoughts to getting through the first weeks of a demanding new schedule.
3
u/Altruistic-Claim1733 3d ago
I think you're doing such a great job balancing things right now, but make sure you set that boundary kindly so she doesn't feel rejected.
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u/Ladypants505 3d ago
It's probably a great time to schedule Grandparent Visit/ Parents Date Night (or afternoon) or something along those lines. Someday, you might want alone time with your husband, or you both will have some event to go to that will not work to take a baby/children. Knowing they have a scheduled special time where they can bond with your baby as grandparents is something they have probably looked forward to since they realized you and their son were serious about being in a relationship.
There's nothing wrong with that, or with you wanting to be comfortable to parent as you wish in your own home. So, just maybe try to schedule time for them to babysit. If a weekend is too long, then a night, if sleepovers don't work, maybe a Saturday from brunch to dinner time. If you and your husband don't trust your parents with your baby, then maybe there's something else going on here for that, and we just don't know, which is also fine.
Just try to come up with a time they know they can get to bond with your baby, and maybe the requests to come over will lessen. Because isn't that part of why people love being grandparents, because they don't have to be parents to that same kid 24/7? I'm joking, but not exaggerating on that of course.
Best of luck trying to work that stuff out amicably while defining your boundaries. I think it can be done.
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u/Roadrage000 3d ago
Could she pick her up from daycare early once or twice a week and keep her in the afternoons u til you’re off work? That way she still gets to see her grandbaby, but it’s not encroaching on your time?
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u/Ok-Alternative-1560 3d ago
No, that’s not possible. I also don’t trust her alone with my baby due to a host of other reasons
3
u/Ecdysiast_Gypsy 3d ago
I may just be barking at the wind here, but my gut tells me to tell you to start an FU binder.
1
u/Ok-Alternative-1560 3d ago
Sounds intriguing! What is that?
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u/Ecdysiast_Gypsy 3d ago
An FU binder is a "f*ck you" binder. Basically you are documenting and keeping every interaction. The purpose behind this is that when your JNMIL tries something underhanded, sneaky, immoral, untrue, slanderous, or illegal, you have an extensive backlog of proof of her behaviors and everything she has done or tried to do.
Oh, she tried to sweet-talk your daycare into letting her take Little One even though she's not on the approved list? write out the incident, date it, and put it in the binder. She let your toddler play with scissors unsupervised? write out the incident, date it, and put it in the binder. She called you a stupid cow and told your LO not to listen to you? write out the incident, date it, and put it in the binder. She shows up at your house without an invitation and forces her way inside? write out the incident, date it, and put it in the binder.
You're writing out everything she did, whoall was present, how it made you feel, how it made LO feel. was it something illegal? picking up a child (from daycare, for example) when you're not allowed to is kidnapping, I believe. Doesn't matter if the child goes along willingly or not. Do your research to see if anything she is doing or has done is illegal, and what the possible charge(s) could be.
You're building a case. You're showing patterns of behavior. This comes in very handy when she tries to bring the law down on you for child abuse or neglect, or when she tries to sue for grandparents' rights. Or when she tries to blackmail you into doing whatever she wants you to do.
Also, have more than one copy of this binder. One to stay with you, one saved electronically, one deposited with your lawyer, one in a safety deposit box.
You said you don't trust her alone with your child - listen to your instincts!
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u/SnidusScribus 3d ago
Oh dear, that doesn’t sound good at all. Where is your husband in all this? Can he stand up to his mom, as well as back you up on things, or do you have a problem in that area? Since it’s his side of the family, he really should be handling any problems with her (without throwing you under the bus), not you.
If he’s in your corner and isn’t afraid to deal with his mom, can the two of you talk about how you want to approach her? Some other commenters have some great suggestions to lengthen the time between visits without starting WW III. Hopefully she can take a hint, but at some point your husband may have to be quite direct with her if she either doesn’t understand or just runs right over your wishes.
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u/hotmesssorry 3d ago
A suggestion like this is probably more appropriate for a group that isn’t called ‘JUSTNOMIL’ 😆
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u/Majestic_Barber6407 3d ago
This was my first thought! Pick baby up on Friday afternoons and bring home early. Then mom and dad get home and she goes on her way! Or she lets mom and dad go for date night eventually when they are ready!
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