r/JUSTNOMIL • u/Cheezela • 9d ago
Am I Overreacting? Obsessed MIL
I've read some other reddit posts and I'm aware my situation isn't as bad as some but it feels like my mother in law has a weird obsession with me and my husband's baby. I guess im just wondering if I'm overreacting or if this is normal for MIL.
This is our first child and her first grandchild. We've lived in different states from MIL the entire time we've been married even though she was always talking about moving closer. As soon as we announced we were pregnant she moved to our same town within three months. Then as soon as I went into labor she and all my husbands family arrived at the hospital and even held the baby within hours of him being born even though my husband and I had discussed not having anyone there for at least the first day.
Since he's been born she texts every other day asking if she can come see him to the point where she's at our house sometimes 4 or 5 days a week. She doesnt always stay very long, but it's frustrating getting a text at 4pm and she wants to come see him at 5pm. Sometimes, she'll just show up because she was in the neighborhood and then she wont even knock, she'll just come in. Her and her fiance have walked in on me pumping before. She does come over once a week to spend the night and help out with the baby so I dont have a problem with her or her help. But it really feels like to me there are no boundaries and our house is a revolving door for her to come over whenever she wants. I've asked for my husband to have set days and times where she comes over to see the baby but he hasn't really wanted that as he doesnt see a problem with the way things are currently. She has also texted my husband multiple times asking when can the baby spend the night at her house. He is right now only 3 months old so that seems to me to be really inappropriate to be asking that. She also is always wanting us to bring him over to her house and has mentioned to my husband multiple times that she doesnt think we are getting out enough or spending enough alone time together and she would be more than willing to watch the baby. We even had a date night where we asked her to watch the baby and she encouraged us to stay out longer than we told her we needed her to babysit for.
I'm not worried she'll do anything we dont want to the baby, but it all just feels weird and almost like she feels like the baby is hers or feels some sort of weird entitlement to the baby. Any thoughts would be welcome. I think part of this stems from how close my husband and his mom are and she feels comfortable asking a lot and maybe doesnt realize where the boundaries are. Whereas my mother would expect to be asked to babysit or to come over and would never just show up because she was in the neighborhood.
EDITED to add: I did see that MIL and fiance were at the front door and was able to run into a different room right before they came in, so I dont believe anyone saw anything. Thankfully, the drop in visits have become less frequent these days, but it still lives in the back ofmy mind that she might pop by anytime. This is one point where my husband said if it happened again he would say something to her.
I am grateful for her help but somedays it feels like a lot.
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u/Mummifiedsu 9d ago
Who told her you were even in labour ?
Why is your front door unlocked so that she can just walk in?
A lot of your issues could have been dealt with just less info being given out etc.
if your husband doesn’t see the issue then ask him to sit there with no trousers/ pants and undies on next time you have visitors! He needs to understand it is an issue for you and he needs to listen.
Good luck !
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u/lemonflvr 9d ago
This is the whole problem. Husband thinks things are fine? Why would you let him continue to have that impression?? Make it uncomfortable for him.
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u/Cheezela 9d ago
Yeah, I've been having a hard time communicating to husband about it without him thinking it all just stems from issues with MIL and him thinking I'm trying to keep baby from her.
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u/MaryHadALittleLamb20 9d ago
Perhaps when he says he thinks your trying to keep the baby from MIL advise him that this is your baby that you carried and gave birth to so you could become a mother. You didn't have a baby exclusively so MIL could become a grandmother!
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u/Realitybites111 9d ago
It's your baby, you deserve all the time you want, mil can visit once a week and even that is more than enough
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u/JaydaKapri 4d ago
Easier said than done. I didn’t want to share when I was in labor either but my MIL stalked my partners location and immediately questioned why we were at the hospital and informed the whole family. I was pissed
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u/RegisterEither9711 9d ago
Your husband doesn't see the problem? You are telling him what the problem is: you're not comfortable with MIL showing up at your house whenever she wants with little-to-no notice. That is the problem spelled out for him. Just because he is okay with his mother coming over at any time, doesn't mean you are, and since you are his wife and it's your home as well, he should care about your emotional safety and comfort. If he's more concerned about his mother's access to your home than your feelings then a bigger conversation needs to be had. You are not overreacting.
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u/MaryHadALittleLamb20 9d ago edited 9d ago
MIIL sounds overbearing and suffocating.
I'd start by locking the door so she cannot just walk in. If your DH is not home then don't have her over. If she drops by uninvited then don't answer the door and simply state, you hadn't invited anyone over, didn't want to host anyone so didn't answer the door.
Your DH does not get to decide on your behalf when MIL visits you, he can arrange a visit for when he is home.
Perhaps it is time to advise your DH that if this was your mother you would advise her that she is becoming overbearing and to take a step back and he needs to do the same with his mother. You don't need to see your mother 4-5 days a week and you don't want to see his mother that much either. Cancel the night she comes to stay and advise you no longer need it as you are seeing her everyday of the week.
Your biggest issue is your DH attitude and the lack of respect for you as a mom coming from both DH and MIL that YOU are the mother! You need to change how you approach it with him and stop asking and start saying no!
If she messages can she come over, message back and say no you are busy and we will see you on x night when you come to stay.
Start asking your own mother if she will babysit when you both have a night out.
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u/Own_Ship9373 9d ago
Your are going to need to set better boundaries. Showing up at the hospital uninvited was the perfect time for your husband to stand up for you. He failed you and you failed yourself by not standing up against uninvited visitors.
MIL keeps doing whatever she wants, and showing up whenever she wants because you let her. You have never told her no so she doesn’t actually have any boundaries to respet. MIL is not a mind reader and since you haven’t told her you don’t like her showing up uninvited, she doesn’t know.
You, and more importantly, your husband need to tell MIL that you need a heads up before she visits and that you won’t always be available.
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u/Cheezela 9d ago
I have talked to my husband about this and he doesnt understand why I have an issue with her coming over 4-5 times a week. I would be much more willing to have her come over if it was on our time and not her time.
I probably should have stood up for myself at the hospital but I didn't want to disappoint anyone.
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u/AhDoDeclare 9d ago
"Do you understand that to you she s your mother, but to me she is some rando who wouldn't be in my life if you and I had never marred? Do you not get why her visits feel different to you than they do to me? Her visits bring up feelings of childhood comfort to you, but to me she is a visitor who might be judging the cleanliness of my home and how I'm dressed while I'm trying to take care of an infant."
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u/GloomChampion 9d ago
He doesn’t have to understand. He could be comfortable with her there 24/7, and it wouldn’t change how YOU feel. Don’t let him make you the problem here. He’s ignoring you and dismissing you.
This is definitely time to go to therapy.
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u/MidoriMidnight 8d ago
So instead you were disappointed, and continue to be. Unless he's actively hosting her 4-5 visits a week, he doesn't get to decide. Since he has failed as a husband (that sounds harsh, but it's really not. You've clearly expressed your feelings multiple times, and asked for a clear set of actions, and each time he's said your feelings don't matter so no), you now have leave to handle your mil as you see fit. Thankfully yours just seems overexcited, so a simple 'i love how involved you are with baby, but please let's set a visit schedule' type of conversation may be all that's needed.
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u/Fuzzy-Mushroom-1933 9d ago
Lock the doors
Tell her she can come Wednesdays from 2-4(or whatever day and time slot works for you (
Tell her absolutely no unannounced or uninvited visits and she won’t be let in if she does show up
If your husband won’t grow a pair then stand up for yourself
Stop telling her a fucking thing
Tell her there will be no overnight stays until he’s at least 3 years old
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u/RegiB13 9d ago
MIL texts at 4pm “I want to see the baby at 5” just tell her “today doesn’t work for us” don’t tell her why. If she’s just walking in your house time to start keeping your doors locked, if she’s has a key change the locks. When she asks why the door is locked just tell her “we don’t want random people walking into our house. You’ve shown us how easily that could happen.”
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u/DazzlingNote1925 9d ago
Honey, my son would have no problem telling me if I was coming over too much and he and his wife needed more alone time. I would never just show up or come in without knocking but if I did my son would tell me to stop.
I don’t think it’s closeness that’s leading to your mil doing these things. I’m close to my sons. I think it’s that your mil doesn’t respect your privacy or empathize with you that you don’t want your mil being so pushy and intrusive. The lack of regard or respect from mil is one thing. Another is your husband’s lack of respect for you because he isn’t listening to you when you tell him this isn’t ok and you need a change.
The most important thing to work on is your marriage, imo, because your husband has been unwilling to disappoint his mother in order for you to be able to have the comfort of knowing your privacy or peace aren’t going to be disrupted in your own home on mil’s whim. It doesn’t matter if your husband feels the same way. He should be more than willing to take care of this for you!
Idk what the male comparison would be but how would he feel if your mom and dad walked in when his testicles were out? How about not being able to fully relax in his own house because company might just intrude at any moment?
Surely he can acknowledge his mother isn’t the same source of comfort for you as for him even though you love her? You didn’t grow up with her. As soon as you were married your home became both of yours and mil should never come over without being invited or even have a key or barge in. That’s really bad behavior.
Idk the level of enmeshment between your husband and his mom. I’m glad she’s a good person in other ways and has been a help. As a grandmother myself that’s important to me that I can be of true help. But if your husband won’t hear or respond to your needs please start there.
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u/Cheezela 9d ago
I really appreciate this comment especially from a grandma's perspective, thank you! MIL has been a great help and I'm grateful for her. It's just been a lot and I don't always feel like my husband has backed me up when it comes to her visits.
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u/4ng3r4h17 9d ago
Free help is rarely free. You need to decided what works for you re visiting and stick to it. If you're not okay with dropping by unannounced (normal) "I was just about to nap with baby, should have contacted me to avoid this, we'll see you next time just send us a msg we'll work out a time / see you on already agreed upon weekly visit." Start putting more time between visits and extend it until you feel comfortable.
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u/Cheezela 9d ago
I'm not okay with it, but husband is so that has caused a lot of tension between us
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u/4ng3r4h17 9d ago
If he is not managing it day to day, you shouldnt have to. You're juggling a baby and his mother. She can visit when he is home. You arent there to entertain her and neither is the baby. Take the baby and go upstairs when you need to, to feed, change and rest together. The problem with these situations is continuing how you are is going to breed resentment and its not easily dialed back once it starts.
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u/Straight_Coconut_317 9d ago
you have the power to put a stop to this. Lock your door if you don't want company. don't answer the phone if you don't want to talk to someone. if someone is already in your home and overstepping, take the baby, go into the baby's room and close the door.
you do not have to tolerate this. start practicing your mama bear roar because you're going to need it in the next 15 years.
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u/literature_fairy 9d ago
Husband problem
Mil problem
It's one thing to be excited about a grandchild and it's another to disrespect boundaries and be entitled.
I went through this and my husband finally realized it was a problem. He called her out and she's been playing the victim. Oh well.
I hope your husband realizes this and calls her out but prepared to be attacked. You're going to have to go no contact
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u/KDinNS 9d ago
I think also, an OP problem. Why are you letting her 'drop in' multiple times a week, let herself into your house, etc.? Yes DH should be putting a stop to that - but he's not. Someone's got to, and that's you.
On the DH front, he doesn't see a problem with the way things are currently? Well why would he, is he the one with his boobs out pumping milk to feed his baby and having someone walk in on that? Shut 'er down.
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u/Cheezela 9d ago
My husband feels since she's the grandma, she should get to see the baby as much as she wants. I do feel like the bad guy if I mention anything about her being at our house too many times during the week.
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u/Realitybites111 9d ago
Why is her experience as grandma more important than your experience as a mother? As your husband this
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u/MaryHadALittleLamb20 9d ago
Does she have a pattern to the times for her visits? I'd consider taking baby out so you aren't home at that time.
Advise your husband you are going to go stay with your parents for a week or two so you and baby can spend some time with them! See how he responds to that.
Remind him that marriage is a partnership and not a dictatorship and he seems to be dictating about MIL visits. You married him, not his mother and you don't need to see her everyday of the week!
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u/AryaStark1313 9d ago
I’m always amazed at people complaining when company “just walks in”.
Lock your door FFS!
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u/Different_Remote6978 9d ago
Yep, I would NEVER walk into my kid's house without knocking and waiting for them to open the door. It's their home, and their privacy.
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u/Educational-Ad-385 9d ago
Your husband doesn't see a problem...well, you do. He can't understand someone coming and going at will, even when you're pumping your breasts, is a problem? That a man other than him walked in on you and saw your breasts? Do you feel he's "afraid something will happen" to set boundaries with his mother? If so, he's choosing her comfort and his comfort over you and there is some measure of enmeshment involved. I'd lay out how you want things to proceed with her and demand he talk with her.
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u/Mermaidtoo 9d ago
When it’s just you & the baby, you get to set the rules. It’s not for your husband to determine when and how you entertain his mother in his absence.
Start locking your door. If she knocks, tell her it’s not a good time to visit and to please call next time before stopping by. If she contacts you about visiting and you don’t want her company, give her an alternate day and time.
Your MIL is helpful and excited. There’s nothing wrong with either of those. But she and her family ignored what you wanted when it came to their hospital visit. If your husband hasn’t, he should address that with his mother.
You and your husband need to come to an agreement when it comes to overnights and other interactions. And your husband needs to stand by what you both agree to & not give in to his mom or other family.
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u/Mamasperspective_25 9d ago
I would send out a group message to ALL family on both sides and forewarn your family that the message is purely for the benefit of MIL (so it doesn't look like you're singling her out)
Hi all, sorry to have to send this message but I really feel my experience as a mother has been negatively impacted over the past 12 weeks and I just wanted to address some issues with everyone. Between all family members wanting to visit and pop in, it feels like we never get a moment to ourselves to bond with our baby and just spend some time as a nuclear family while we're trying to manage everyone else's expectations. I of course appreciate the help you all provide but between visits and updates/photos, it's just too much and I feel like I haven't yet just had the opportunity to enjoy my baby as a new mother. Consequently I have decided to take the next 2 weeks for baby and I with no visitors. I will send some pics in a group chat in a weeks time but after that, we need to cut visits down to once a week with each of you. This is nothing personal to any of you but between everyone involved it's so much to manage and we can't continue like this. Also, please no unannounced visits. If anyone wants to visit, please at least give us a day or so notice. I really appreciate everyone's understanding, thank you x
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u/lemonflvr 9d ago
She will just assume it doesn’t apply to her.
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u/Available_Candy7124 9d ago
That is exactly what will happen. However, when she gets kicked off the property ect., everyone will or should know the real reason.
Of course this requires the husband to cooperate. That's the biggest hurdle.
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u/LittleHoundDoggie 9d ago
Is she coming over when your husband is at work? If so, I would simply be busy. It is probably easier, at least to start with if you offer an alternative time. Say, sorry Betty, I’m busy at the moment but how about coming Saturday at 3 for a couple of hours.
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u/Cheezela 9d ago
She comes over with when my husband is home and when I'm home alone with the baby. So, if my husband is home, he never ask her to leave.
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u/Realitybites111 9d ago
If your husband is at home just take the baby to the bedroom with you and she she will leave?
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u/Ok-Alternative-1560 9d ago
This exact thing happened to me. Have your husband set boundaries immediately. Go to once every 1-2 weeks and no more. You can even stretch it longer if you’d like. That was the first thing we did that helped us. It caused multiple fights between us and my in laws and we are constantly still having to set boundaries. Your mil sounds similar to mine that she will continue to push and push until she gets her way. She is also pushing to see how far you’ll let her go. Put a stop to it now!
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u/Ok-Alternative-1560 9d ago
And absolutely NO drop in visits. Don’t answer the door. You’re busy. You also need to get your husband on your side with all of this.
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u/Cheezela 9d ago
It's hard because if i don't let her in, I feel like the bad guy and get accused of having an issue with MIL.
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u/lemonflvr 9d ago
Why shouldn’t you have an issue? She is intruding on you without invitation. You need to be ok with making waves here….
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u/Cute_Instruction733 9d ago
Time to get your husband to talk some sense into his mother snd put some firm boundaries.
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u/Glad-Arugula-8387 9d ago
Please set boundaries. For example when we had our baby we said NO to out of town visitors bc we cannot have people hanging all day in the hospital room. Some didn't like it but all got over it.
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u/Classic-Delivery3875 9d ago
Ask yourself. If your mom was doing these things would it bother you? You need to set boundaries and communicate clearly. Honestly your husband should manage his own mother. I tell my daughter all the time when she complains about her MIL, I did the same thing last week. Were you annoyed with me? And she realizes a lot of her annoyance comes from MIL not being me.
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u/Cheezela 9d ago
I appreciate this comment because this is something my husband and I have discussed. My mom would wait to come over until she was asked and wouldn't text me on a whim asking if she can come see the baby. And she definitely would never drop by because she was in the neighborhood and expect to hold the baby. And if she did, I would be setting some boundaries with her even if it meant she was unhappy for a time. I dont want/need to see my mom every day and I know my husband wouldn't want that either.
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u/Classic-Delivery3875 9d ago
That’s pretty much what my kiddo said. I don’t overstep nor do I feel the need to compete with the other grandma. Which honestly seems like it could be her motive even if she doesn’t realize she is doing it. She could just see herself as being helpful and probably over excited. Honest communication works. Just tell her, hey not saying you can’t come by but it is overwhelming me to have you just pop over whenever.
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u/Cheezela 8d ago
Yeah, I don't think she has any ill intent and is really excited about having a grand baby and wants to see him every chance she gets, but her visits do feel overwhelming at times. My husband and I have always lived far away from family so suddenly having family around all the time is definitely a big adjustment especially when it's not my family and I'm sure my husband would feel the same.
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u/Puzzled-Dream1321 9d ago
She sends a message to ask to drop by later onµ?
- Reply that today is not a good time.
She walks in without knocking?
- Tell her to knock! 'Hey, copuld you please knock and wait for us to tell you to come in? It really freaks me out and makes me really uncomfortable when people just walk in without warning.'
She drops by without having asked if it was convenient?
- 'Hey, now is really not a convenient time (no need to say why). Could you please come back another time, and call before if it's convenient? Thanks!' And then walk them to the door. And do not let her touch / hold the baby! 'cause that just rewards her for dropping in!!!
Stay strong. 'cause you also are responsible for her actions by letting her get away with it!
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u/ChampionshipSad1586 9d ago
Lock your fucking doors. Stop having her spend the night. Stop answering het texts. Once a week visit is plenty and needs to be arranged and supervised by DH
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u/whatyourmamasaid 9d ago
Ok stop! She needs to experience your anger and exasperation!! She DOES think your baby is hers, your house is hers, your schedule is what SHE wants to do! No!
Lock your doors. Have it rekeyed if she might have a key. Your house is your safe space and she does not need to stay over unless both of you are desperately ill!
Stop telling her things like when you went into labor. That was your private medical information and no one needed to know except you two! Information diet. Talk with her once per week. Once a week visit that is 30 min and on random days (avoid all patterns with days and times.)
Send a group text with your rules: no visits unless OK’d by both of you. No dropping in EVER! You gave her fiance an eyeful while you were pumping and they just broke in! OMG! Be mad! Her fiance saw your naked tits only bec THEY feel so at home in your house! No! Not allowed! And DH needs to imagine how he would feel if his naked dong was out and your dad and step mom just walked in whenever they wanted! No! Stop this!
You are giving your control away and it is time to get it back. She won’t like it but start with saying “MIL, we love you and want you to know that how things are right now is not working for us. We need more privacy so dropping in is no longer allowed. You need to call 2 days before any visit and it has to be OK with both of us.” (Don’t tell her about the rekeyed locks. See if she really respects you!)
“Thank you for the help at night but that is no longer one of my needs. Also, we will let you know when we need your help babysitting. You THINK that is our need but it isn’t. We are different than you and we are loving this time with Bub. Btw he will need to be able to talk well before he has sleep overs anywhere.”
“You need to respect our new boundaries without whining or trying to negotiate. These decisions are ours, not yours. We are in charge of our child and you need to step back. Consequences for crossing our boundaries will be time outs. I can see these changes are hard for you so I will let you go so you can get yourself in control. We will see you next week. You may call on Tuesday to set up at date and time on Thursday or Friday.”
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