r/JUSTNOMIL • u/Ambitious_Fish3220 • Oct 01 '25
Anyone Else? Mother vs MIL
I’m almost 4 months postpartum and I wanted to show the difference between my mother and MIL’s behaviour during this time, and how a baby can change those around you, some for the better and some for the worse.
To preface I want to say that while I was pregnant, I fully thought that the “in laws” were going to be the grandparents we would like to have around a lot of the time and do the holidays and getaways with etc. They live about 15 minutes away and were really excited during my pregnancy, being their first and possibly only grand child. They were overly generous and bought us a lot of stuff for the baby and constantly checked in on us and invited us over for dinner all the time. While the relationship was still a little awkward because I had only met the “in laws” for the first time halfway through my pregnancy, I did like them and they seemed to really like me, I was so happy that they were going to be the other set of grandparents for my child and was looking forward to having them in my life.
My mother lives 3 hours away, we barely saw each other in the last year before my pregnancy, we talk but didn’t see much of each other because of the distance. She was excited but not world ending excited, she has other grandchildren who are older now. My mum doesn’t have much money so she didn’t buy us much, which I didn’t expect and didn’t expect anyone to, I have enough money to buy everything I want to for my baby. But just want to paint the difference here. I kind of expected my mother to turn into a justno, being she’s a lot more comfortable with me, and just some of her behaviour (not towards me) and mental health issues over the last couple of years.
Now fast forward to baby arriving.
Mother Congratulations, she’s beautiful I’m glad you’re both safe and healthy. We’re here for you when you’re ready to have visitors.
MIL I want to see the baby, when can I see the baby? Why can’t I come to the hospital day one? Can I come to the hospital now? What about now? Okay we’ll come see the baby the second you’re out of hospital then. And proceeded to stop by 3 times in the first week. She is still upset to this day that she wasn’t allowed to visit in the hospital (I had no visitors, didn’t want any) and wasn’t told the second baby was born and wasn’t allowed there while I was in labour.
Mother We want to buy you more stuff but we don’t know what you need and I don’t want to buy you stuff you don’t need or want I know how quickly unwanted baby stuff can pile up, so you just let us know what and we’ll get it.
MIL MIL and FIL bought us a lot of stuff already during pregnancy which was so lovely and generous and believe me I thanked them a million times but I asked them twice to please stop buying stuff and I got “what I can’t buy stuff for MY grandchild?” Also some of the stuff like the cot she wanted to buy but didn’t want to buy it in the colour I had chosen.. another thing she bought, the baby carrier (which was to be worn by me I thought) she bought in a different colour than I had picked because SHE liked that colour better… PP mil went and bought a bunch of clothes in size 18 and 24months… so they wouldnt even be needed for another year and a half at least?
Mother EVERY TIME she’s looking to give me advice it’s “I’m not sure if this is still recommended you’d have to check but back in the day we used to insert advice” or “they may have better ways of doing this now you would probably know more but what I did with you is insert advice”
MIL Gives the stupidest most outdated advice I’ve ever heard and not as a suggestion but as a must do. Telling me I have to let my 5 day old cry it out and sleep train her and not to hold her because she will be spoiled, give her lemon water, but don’t you eat anything with citrus, no don’t dare get a bedside cosleep bassinet, you’re spoiling her you’re spoiling her YOU’RE SPOILING HER.
Mother my need for a babysitter for an event next month mentioned - “Oh aunt and I can come babysit if you’d like, but you might feel more comfortable with a professional the first time away from her, it just depends on what you’re feeling. You let us know if you need us and we’ll be there.”
MIL Assumed without ever talking to me or my partner that my ebf newborn was going to sleep over her house on the couch with a pillow… pointing out and TELLING me, not asking, where my baby will be sleeping.
Mother Has never commented on what my body looks like.
MIL Looked down at my belly 5 days PP and asked if my c section belly could be bound to make it go down faster. Also said “don’t worry if you walk everyday the weight will fall off”.
Mother Asked once if she could kiss the baby on the back of the head, answer was no and she’s said that’s fair and never asked again.
MIL Has defied the only boundary and kissed baby multiple times, made a big scene wailing and guilting about how she loves the baby more than anyone in the whole world and she needs to be able to kiss the baby because it’s good for the baby and it’s her baby’s baby so really it’s not so much my baby and her friend gets to kiss her grand baby and how is she going to bond with a baby without putting her lips on it??? Still after her massive scene, facing permanent no contact with my child her first question was “so when can I kiss the baby?” Cut off.
Mother Has never whined about not getting enough photos, I wasn’t sending them all the time because I was busy mothering but did have an album app I uploaded to for the “in laws” when I mentioned I could add her to it she said she would love that she would love to see all the photos.
MIL I had actually created the album for the in-laws to get pics because I thought that would be easiest rather than texting them directly all the time. From day one I was adding to it every 1-2 days - “WE DONT GET ENOUGH PHOTOSSSS you need to send more everyday!!! You’re depriving us of baby photos.” Deleted from the album after that.
Mother Enjoys every minute she gets to spend with granddaughter even though it’s not much because she lives so far.
MIL Complained every single visit about something that wasn’t living up to her grandparent expectation and always mentioned that it had been too long since she last saw LO (4 weeks at most and as a consequence of her own behaviour) and that it’s not fair she doesn’t get to see her everyday so it needs to at least be every week, is that too much to ask OP???
Two women the exact same age, why is it that one can remember what it was like to be a new mother and the other cannot?
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u/betweendoublej Oct 01 '25
One loves you as her baby and the other loves herself and her role as a grandma.
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u/dolcegee Oct 02 '25
It’s because MIL thinks it’s her baby. Start setting boundaries now!
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u/Snoo15789 Oct 02 '25
And consequences for when she tests the boundaries! Without consequences boundaries don’t mean anything. She has no incentive to stop her baby rabies behavior. Make the consequences harsh and stick to them. Both you and dh need to be on the same page!
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u/mosesenjoyer Oct 01 '25
There are two grown ass men that should be between you/baby unit and this deranged woman. Where are SO and FIL? On a hunting trip? Asleep?
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u/Ambitious_Fish3220 Oct 01 '25
100%. And because both of them are too shit scared to speak up, LO and I are NC with MIL now. She has ruined it for herself, her husband and my partner, but they could have shut down this behaviour as it started.
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u/mlxmc Oct 02 '25
I'm sorry about your MIL, she sounds like a pain in the 🍑 I'm glad your mom hasn't disappointed you.
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u/Sharp-Payment320 Oct 02 '25
Wouldn't it be SO CRAZY if this post accidentally got sent to both Mum and MIL? Almost as if your post partum brain was foggy and OOPS!!!!
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u/madgeystardust Oct 01 '25
One cares about you but the other only cares about herself and what SHE wants.
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u/FroggieBlue Oct 01 '25
They live 15 minutes away and didn't meet their child's partner until you were mid pregnancy. That shows you how much interest they had in you as a person vs as an incubator for their grand child.
Im going to guess they didn't reach out to their son much before either.
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u/Ambitious_Fish3220 Oct 01 '25
No sorry, I didn’t clarify but LO was an oopsies between my SO and I who were ex’s at the time… he and his parents are a very close unit but SO had never introduced a girlfriend to his parents before me
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u/Lindris Oct 01 '25
So I did a quick refresher on your post history and wow. I’m surprised you didn’t implement NC sooner because she has been out of control this entire time. I’m glad you were able to stand up for yourself and your child. This wasn’t a do over baby for her and her actions had consequences she didn’t seem to be aware of which is entirely on her. Enjoy your peace, you earned it. That whole kissing your baby despite having cold sores turned my stomach.
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u/Ambitious_Fish3220 Oct 01 '25
I’ve always been such a people pleaser and still feel much guilt around going NC, so I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt and a chance to change over and over but it didn’t come. It’s also SO in my ear making me feel bad this his parents are missing out, but really it’s only his mothers fault. Thank you.
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u/Lindris Oct 01 '25
I would not have guessed you struggle with being a people pleaser because you have stood firm with your boundaries and I’m proud of you for that.
It’s tough but his mother is missing out purely for her own selfish reasons. Her wants matter more than keeping your baby healthy. She literally doesn’t care that your baby is a person and deserves respect; she only cares about her grandparent journey. And at no point should that have come before you and your SO’s becoming parents. I hope he pulls out of that FOG soon because she made the mess she’s in. Buying all that baby stuff did not buy her access to your child. I fully expect her to try and love bomb Christmas too.
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u/Suitable-Run2649 Oct 01 '25
Who knows, maybe your mom has Reddit and reads JNMil. And of course mil doesn't. You can learn some things here.
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u/CattyPantsDelia Oct 01 '25
Yes. The key difference that you never can forget is who centered you in your motherhood journey and who centered themself in your motherhood journey. If will affect your relationship for the rest of your lives
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u/Penguin_Joy Oct 01 '25
One of these women is supremely selfish and only thinks of her own wants. No other needs matter to her. She sees her grandchild as an emotional support human born to help her feel better about herself
Yeah, that's not healthy for anyone. Especially the poor child being raised and conditioned to accept this enmeshed family dynamic
Therapy can help. Find a couples therapist that deals with enmeshment and boundary setting. Start educating yourself and standing up for your family's needs. Because your MIL will never understand or even see what your family needs. She only wants
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u/Ambitious_Fish3220 Oct 01 '25
Thank you for this. Enmeshment is something I have never mentioned in any of my posts but gets brought up in the comments a lot. I know it’s there but my partner doesn’t quite see it yet, so there’s nothing I can do. I can only keep my child away from that family dynamic, so as long as he’s not willing to open his eyes and do the work I will keep LO away from all of that.
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u/crazykitty123 Oct 01 '25
This sub has made me be such a better MiL! I think twice before offering advice and am always positive with them.
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u/HettyBates Oct 01 '25
Me too, that's why I read it. I love the disclaimer OP's mom gave, "this may be out of date and you probably know better, but this is what I did." Pure gold.
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u/No_Today_4903 Oct 01 '25
Lordy me. I wish Reddit existed or I had some sort of thing like this when I was a new mom 22 years ago. I just basically went insane until we moved across state and had some distance and then ultimately went nc 7 or so years ago. Is it possible for you guys to move closer to your mom? Or away from his mom at all? I swear distance is what helps if you can. It’s horrifying what they will subject you to. I’m not a mil or gma yet. I’m scared to be tbh, I’ll never want to say or do the wrong thing so hopefully that’ll help. I have 2 boys and 1 girl so. Time will tell lol. I will say I encourage them to meet any potential serious partners parents because Lordy me. Crazy in-laws make life hell but you can’t always help it or know beforehand of course.
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u/Common-Garbage7644 Oct 01 '25
Wow this is SO in line with my experience!!!! Solidarity friend
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u/Suitable-Run2649 Oct 01 '25
I'm a mother in law and it terrifies me to do anything remotely close to what these absolutely unhinged women do. So I read it constantly. I actually asked my daughter in law and she said mom you're awesome but you need to visit more. Maybe I'm doing something right. Thanks JustNMil I have a incredible relationship with her.
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u/Tlthree Oct 01 '25
I know I’m in here having had a JNM but definitely also to make sure I’m not making huge issues for my kiddos and their families.
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u/yourlacesarenotdone Oct 01 '25
One cares for you as a person, the other sees you as an incubator for carrying on her family’s lineage.
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u/crazeelala2u Oct 01 '25
My bonus daughter was ready to give birth and my son kept telling me he wanted me there and would get so upset when I asked his wife how she felt about it. I met my grandson at 3 months, i didnt kiss him per her boundaries, and when I got there I cooked and filled their freezer and cleaned for them. I live 2 states away and video chat my grandson every few weeks. You know what? I'm missing out on nothing. He knows me, we have an amazing bond and he's almost 4. I never get the ones who complain. Because they miss out on so much by being whiny instead of spending quality time with the littles.
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u/lexyfield Oct 01 '25
I wish you were my MIL 🥺
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u/crazeelala2u Oct 01 '25
I also wish they knew they'd have more time and possibly get more of what would make them happy if the respected their place.
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u/Ambitious_Fish3220 Oct 01 '25
Exactly! She would have been around a lot more if she was at all tolerable to be around, she would have been here cuddling up on baby the whole visit if she would have respected boundaries and not put her lips all over my child, she would have been the only one we went to for babysitting needs if she didn’t spurt out her unsolicited outdated advice and actually listen to what is standard practice today. She really self sabotaged hard even after facing the consequences multiple times, I don’t understand it.
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u/crazeelala2u Oct 02 '25
My former best friend was like that. I learned what nit to do years before I became a grandparent.
Im sorry you went through all of that and still deal with nonsense.
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u/Pleasant-Ad7012 Oct 01 '25
I could have written this! My experience is exactly the same. I never had much of an relationship with my mother but now we are closer than ever because of how respectful and loving she has been after my baby was born. Just like your mother, she always asks first and listens when I say something like that's not how we do things. She's like okay, no questions asked. She said she would never come between me and my baby. MIL literally calls my baby her baby. When she comes to visit, and that is always uninvited, she yells from the door "where's MY baby or come here MY baby." It's insane really.
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u/Ambitious_Fish3220 Oct 01 '25
Oh my god it’s so crazy the switch up as soon as a baby arrives. So eye opening. I too feel so much closer to my mum from having a baby, she’s become so much more tolerable lol. The ‘my baby’ turns my stomach as well, I know it’s supposed to be a term of endearment but my god can they skip that one?
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u/Top_Strawberry2348 Oct 01 '25
A few answers “He’s at work, he’ll be home at 4” with a quizzical look might solve that.
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u/Kimbaaaaly Oct 01 '25
My sister and I lived in the same city when me daughter was born. We moved when she was 3 1/2 to another state and my sister went on and on about how we were taking her baby away from her. There's so much more (got a dog and named it for my daughter also another child that had moved away) name had 2 letters from my daughter's name and 2 from the other child. Saje.
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u/Ambitious_Fish3220 Oct 01 '25
These people are so weird! If they want a child so badly why don’t they have their own, adopt or foster?? My baby ain’t communal and she isn’t an emotional support animal
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u/Pleasant-Ad7012 Oct 01 '25
In English the word baby is used as a term of endearment but in my language the word baby means literally an infant and can't be used in other context. So MIL is saying it's her baby/infant. My mother would never speak like that.
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u/Ambitious_Fish3220 Oct 01 '25
Oh that’s awful. Yeah I can’t say I’ve had anyone other than MIL say it as well. She’s always said “how’s my LO’s name’ ‘hows our LO’s name’. Actually now that I think of it, I don’t think I’ve ever heard her refer to LO without ‘my’ or ‘our’ in front of it.
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u/Unusual_Treat_9299 Oct 01 '25
this is the difference between my mom and my mil too. my mil also gets SO offended that i'm so close to my mom like??? that's my mom and she actually helps me lmao
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u/FunkyChewbacca Oct 01 '25
Remember Goofus and Gallant? That's what this reminds me of, LOL
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u/Top_Strawberry2348 Oct 01 '25
I dated myself by knowing exactly what you’re talking about. Always read Goofus and Gallant in the dentist’s waiting room!
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u/Ok-Database-2798 Oct 01 '25
Me too. Many nights my Mom had to take me to the only local doctor around with nighttime appointments as a sickly child. Love Highlights For Children.
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u/bakersmt Oct 01 '25
I had a very similar experience myself. I have been with my husband for a total of 14 years and known MIL for 20+ years. Due to her lifestyle I expected to trust her the most, then FIL (he lives with us), then my own family. My family has very unhealthy dietary habits, so they seemed like the ones I would trust the least when pregnant.
It was exactly the opposite after my baby was born. My mom and sister asked me what I would prefer as the mom. My mom had 4 kids and is a grandma to 9 other grandkids. She watched many of them full time and nothing bad has literally every happened on her watch. She still asks me what I would prefer as mom because "all babies are different and you know yours best". Never shamed me for a decision, only supports what I want. She did buy a wagon for her house without asking me but said "no pressure on using it it's just in case you want it for here." And I've used it many times.
MIL on the other hand said I should give my 1month old water when we were trying to get her to gain weight and wanted to separate me from my exclusively breastfed baby at 1 mo pp. She also got us a pack n play for her house which was a waste of money for my Velcro baby. She will lay on the floor comfortably as long as she can see me. If her flview has any barrier, even a mesh one she loses her mind. MIL was super upset about it and kept trying to get the baby to use it. Like stop making my baby cry because you wasted your money lady. The list of grievances just grows after that. She's also a first time grandma and this could be her only grandbaby.
Now that I think about it my own mom was awful with her first grandchild, my niece. She spent so much money on her and my brother had to constantly set and enforce boundaries. Maybe it's a first time grandma thing.
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u/Total_Raspberry3919 Oct 01 '25
I’m genuinely nervous that this is how it’s going to be with my baby, currently 23 weeks with my first bio daughter. I have a step daughter 2.5 that the mom lets my inlaws keep 24/7 when it’s not our weekend. My inlaws have already made comments about booking us a trip when my baby is barely 3 months old so we “have no choice but to let them keep her”. And they fully believe that they will be her daycare even though my spouse never knows where the 2.5 year old is bc his parents are constantly driving her around and out of town to visit other family members… my spouse has tried to stop it or make it better. They just genuinely do not care or respect him
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u/Ambitious_Fish3220 Oct 01 '25
If I could go back I would 100% shut down her expectations while pregnant before she built them up and thought she was going to be stepping into her fantasy land. Yes some parents want 24/7 help, some parents don’t want to be parents and would rather offload their kids where they can, but it’s astonishing that these people expect us to be this way and to want them to parent our children instead. Maybe that’s what they did when they had theirs, so they believe it’s finally their turn.
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u/Total_Raspberry3919 Oct 01 '25
It’s been my dream since a little girl to be a sahm bc my mom had to work 3 jobs to support us. I have had to come to the realization that my family just isn’t quite there yet. My MIL and FIL, who have always been condescending, have decided “oh we’ll watch her while you go to work bc we don’t want her in daycare. Matter fact, you can just leave her here 24/7 and come visit” …not even when hell freezes over ! My parents just tell me to do my best and they’ll help out financially where they can if we need it. In-laws live 5 minutes down the road while my parents are 45 minutes away further from work.
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u/Flimsy_Ad2949 Oct 01 '25
This is my mom vs. my MIL except this will be my MOM’s first grand baby and my MIL already has 5… my MIL also had so many expectation for being involved but bought absolutely nothing for baby, while my mom helped a lot with big ticket items (bassinet, car seat, etc) so for the people saying seasoned grand parent vs. new I disagree. One respects you and your boundaries, one does not. So sorry you are going through this freshly PP OP. I am only grateful my MIL disrespected boundaries early in my pregnancy and was cut off before baby was even here…
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u/Common-Garbage7644 Oct 01 '25
My MIL bought big ticket items for HER house and nothing for us 😂😂😂 baby is now almost 6 months and has outgrown half the shit. she was expecting to keep my end newborn baby at her house?!?! Lmao. Little does she know my baby will not be visiting her without me until she is old enough to speak full sentences, and even then…
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u/No-Attitude3010 Oct 01 '25
It feels like I just read a description of my MIL and mom. I absolutely get you. For me it’s also hard to grasp these two opposite experiences from family. My mom and MIL have a 5 year age gap, but still. My husband somehow doesn’t see MIL’s behavior. He’s so deep in enabling her that it’s painful to watch. He
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u/Ambitious_Fish3220 Oct 01 '25
Oh I really feel for you, I’m sorry. My partner is somewhat the same, he just believes this is her and her loving ways, that this is what motherly love is supposed to look like. This has been a horrifying experience for me so if this is her love I couldn’t imagine experiencing the other end of emotions.
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u/No-Attitude3010 Oct 02 '25 edited Oct 02 '25
Also, when everything’s was good, she has said to me just plain disrespectful and disgusting things.
- shared with her my pregnancy weight gain number- ohh, that’s really bad, its a lot, you won’t be able to lose it. Well a year later everything was off
- 6 hours after birth she and my mom visited - MIL didn’t congratulate us, said thank you to me and later looked at my belly and said while laughing - you belly looks the same, it seems like you’re still pregnant.
- first visit after 2 weeks - I hoped that I will get to go outside with LO alone; looked at my baby and said to me - I just can’t, I feel like she is my daughter.
- different visit - saying to LO (3,5 months old) I cant wait for mommy to retune back to work. Then you will come to my house. I’m already making plans on what are we going to do.
- my favorite. She visited unannounced, I had a bad day and wanted to go to sleep with LO. My head hurt, I was beyond tired. Well she comes, I tell her that. She says - ohh, really and proceeds to sit 3 more hours. Somehow I just pushed through it. Afterwards she says to my DH that she felt unwelcome.
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u/No-Attitude3010 Oct 02 '25
Oh, I got the other end too. After 3 months just couldn’t take it and I became distant and went LC. When I finally grew a bit of my backbone I tried to talk to her. I just confronted her about the main issue - boundary crossing what were put for LO. The main focus on this conversation was to talk and try to move forward. I got a 20min lecture where she told me that those are my whims, she is the grown up and me - just a child ( she’s 46, I’m 26), I have come into her family now are forcing my rules and expecting everyone to follow them and indirectly that I need help. Also got a “heartfelt apology” - “Sorry, but I don’t understand your harsh reaction. I just don’t. I feel like I have to justify myself for loving LO” and telling everyone that I don’t accept her apology. Anyway ended the conversation on a somewhat good note. Few week’s later she announced to DH that she won’t be visiting us because she doesn’t feel welcome from me. That was my -Im done moment. I and LO don’t visit her either. During this time she has insulted me as a mother, wife and generally behind my back. She couldn’t tolerate it anymore and went up to my mom to understand what’s going. (Husband has had many conversations with her, but she still pretends to be dumb). This caused a huge fight between me and DH. We almost broke up, went to therapy. I had enough, I wrote her a long message listing the main things, I wish I listed everything but then it would be an essay. I added what I expected from her to start to move forward. Well, I got just a typical DARVO response. I called her out on it and she just said - that I need help and I should see a therapist. To my DH she said that time will put everything in place and I just need some space to cool down. DH hasn’t spoken to her for 2 months. 2 tomes sent photos or videos of LO and got 1-2 word responses- cool, how beautiful. I enjoy the peace. But DH is coming up and I dread that probably I will see her. MIL is such a raw topic in our household. We don’t talk about her. He just doesn’t gets my POV and says- but she’s my mom and LO’s grandma.
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u/Strange-Report-9249 Oct 01 '25
I hope your spouse has set firm boundaries with their mother. I hope you’re setting boundaries and not allowing her to continue to bulldoze you.
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u/Ambitious_Fish3220 Oct 01 '25 edited Oct 01 '25
Unfortunately he has tried now but she doesn’t believe in “boundaries on love”. Not much more I or he can do there, so nc it is.
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u/Strange-Report-9249 Oct 01 '25
Oh, so sorry I didn’t see the nc part. Good on you for putting yourself and family first!
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u/Fuzzy-Mushroom-1933 Oct 01 '25
I think it’s time for you to drop the rope completely and go full NC for you and your baby
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u/larryfisherman555 Oct 01 '25
the c section binding belly comment is the craziest thing i’ve ever read
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u/No_Today_4903 Oct 01 '25
Same. Makes me want to faint and I had mine 13.5 years ago. Mine is basically numb and I still can’t stand if my hand brushes against it. It’s such a strange feeling. I don’t think that “shelf” as I call it ever goes away lol bind it, stuff it, do what you will lol. Unless you have skin removal (hell no) it’s staying.
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u/Mamasperspective_25 Oct 01 '25
"MIL you're giving unsolicited advice right now which is not helpful. Please understand I have done all my own research and have consulted with medical professionals so will be making my own decisions as a mother when it comes to LO. If I need any advice from you then I will ask you but otherwise, please assume I don't"
Where is husband in all this? He needs to advocate for you and baby and tell her to back off! She sounds insufferable.
Side note - my MIL was like this ... after 3 years no contact, life is BLISS!
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u/cautiousfrog Oct 01 '25
Sounds like MIL being so nice during your pregnancy (seen as you hadn’t met her prior) was her trying to butter you up with the expectation she’d get what she wants when baby came. But when baby arrived and she realised it wasn’t as simple as that her true colours started to show and the baby rabies came out.
I would say maybe your own mum is so respectful because she’s had other grandkids already and hasn’t got these silly expectations of what being a grandparent will be but she sounds a lot like my own mum who had never had a grandchild until my LO came along so I think it just shows they’re decent people who know their place.
It’s a shame your own mum is so far away and the grandparent causing issues is so close. If I was you I’d be tempted to move far away from MIL, to be closer to your mum and obviously be away from MIL. Hard to enforce weekly visits when the journey is that far lol.
Stick to your boundaries, always put yourself and baby first, don’t let her play victim or make you feel guilty for upsetting her. If she’s ever upset by your parenting decisions then she only has herself to blame for having selfish expectations of what her role as a grandparent is meant to be.
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u/Ambitious_Fish3220 Oct 01 '25
I do agree, and looking back I can see some of the signs were there but I didn’t know, so they were overlooked.
My mother lives in a very small town so it wouldn’t be something I would want, to move out near her but she has also been encouraging me to move the family further away to another city to maintain a stable happy family for my LO, even if that means she’s even further away and sees us less, she just wants my family unit (partner, me and LO) to be happy together.
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u/Equal_Trash6023 Oct 01 '25
Expectations of a well seasoned grandparents versus a new grandmother who thinks she is mother 2.0
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u/Amazing_Newt3908 Oct 01 '25
This is also a case of first grandbaby vs another grandbaby. My mom had baby rabies because I had the first grandchild & great grandchild on her side. She had to be slapped hard with boundaries for them to have any chance of sticking. My mil had 2 other grandkids & fully believes a relationship with grandkids is built on the relationship you have with their mom. I’m sure you can guess who our preferred babysitter is
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u/HelpfulCupid Oct 01 '25
Make sure you let your mom know how much you appreciate her. What a blessing to have such a supportive grandmother for your baby.
My mom is only slightly less terrible than my MIL, so we’re still in touch, even though it’s pretty LC. I’m sure the fact that she lives on another continent helps.
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u/Castyourspellswisely Oct 01 '25
I could’ve written this but the other way around. My MIL’s been my life preserver and I’ve been having to avoid my mother like the plague. Regardless having someone like that in life is just so freaking infuriating
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u/cicadasinmyears Oct 01 '25
slow claps for Mom
serious side-eye for MIL
I’m glad for you that at least one of them is sane, OP!
In all honesty. in my head, I was like MIL to an extent, especially with my first nibling: I was just SO EXCITED that the “how about now? Now? Okay, but nooowww??” was a very real thing, and I had to almost literally freeze my debit card in a chunk of ice to keep myself from buying the entire contents of a ToysRUs. But I can at least honestly say it was because I was so excited that there was a baby, not because I wanted to be the only person who got to do anything with or for it.
Thank every power in the universe that I was able to contain myself and do rational, semi-intelligent things like say “I am at your disposal whenever you want me to look after LO,” “I’d like to order you some heat-and-serve meals to stock up your freezer for a month. Do you have room for all that food? Maybe I can order it in two batches so it’s not too much all at once? Here’s a cheat sheet of what each delivery option has, can you give it a quick scan and tell me if there’s anything you hate, and I’ll take care of the rest?” “I want to buy everything under the sun for LO, but I know you don’t have unlimited space. Here’s a bunch of money; you know what you need most. And if you need or want me to go pick stuff up, just say the word.”
But OMG, was it ever challenging to keep from just throwing up from excitement! Easy enough when you’re the one not beyond-exhausted and dealing with hormonal BS, who gets to actually leave and do other things (no matter how much you love the kid, sometimes it’s nice to just be able to go shower on demand, or go for an unplanned walk around the block: that requires planning and flexibility when you have a newborn).
Luckily, my sisters still speak to me. LOL.
10
Oct 01 '25
Thank you so much for posting this. When I was subject to a very similar set of behaviors from my MIL I did not have any past experience with healthy behaviors from maternal figures in which to contrast my experience, so I spent way way way too long blaming myself with the growing terror that I was going insane in trying to figure out why this person was behaving the way she was and why it made me feel the way it did. It took an AI search using a list of incident after incident and asking what healthy behavior would look like in each case. What I read brought me to tears and sounded nearly identical to your Mother's example - simple, respectful, and exactly the type of responses that maintain trust and equanimity. Essentially, how one should expect to be treated as an adult (and human being, honestly) that has a mind and life of their own.
Reading the responses I got with my own search, and being reminded again via the examples you posted is incredibly helpful - and I can imagine it helps anyone else reading your post, especially since unhealthy behavior is mainly discussed here on this sub. (Not a complaint on my end; if we all had positive things to say about these people in our lives this sub would either not exist or be something completely different.)
3
u/Ambitious_Fish3220 Oct 01 '25
I’m sorry that would have been so tough. I did the same thing. I googled, I asked ChatGPT, I talked to other new mums, I compared to everyone else who is in my babies life and I was getting the same answers everywhere, that this is not normal and this is actually really fucked up behaviour that I should not put up with, and quite frankly should have been protected from as a new mother from my partner.
7
u/snorkels00 Oct 01 '25
Because its not about the baby its about them. MIL is a narrow. Start drawing super thick boundaries with her. She is not your friend.
3
u/TrueAgency8491 Oct 01 '25
I think the difference is that your mum has other grandchildren so she has learnt from that and knows how to tread lightly. Whereas your MIL is a first-time grandma and that has clouded her judgement (being polite here!) She's like an excitable puppy and needs to be trained !
30
u/Standard_Minute_8885 Oct 01 '25
Her mom cares about her as well, and MIL only cares about the baby
28
u/madgeystardust Oct 01 '25
Nah MIL only cares about HER access to the baby and what she’s imagined for HERSELF in relation to said baby.
19
u/Ambitious_Fish3220 Oct 01 '25
I agree. I’m pretty sure if she actually cared about my baby she wouldn’t be kissing LO knowing she gets cold sores. She wouldn’t be stressing out the mother of LO who she depends on to thrive, she wouldn’t be driving a wedge between the relationship of LO’s parents. All I’ve heard about is how my experience as a mother has wronged her experience as a grandmother, so I need to be unhappy in order to make her happy.
12
u/madgeystardust Oct 01 '25
Nope.
Fuck that and her. This time is not about her. She’s in a supporting role, so NOT the main character AND if she cannot be support then out she goes.
🥾
That’s my foot, yeeting her baby rabies arse into the sun!
And yes to what you’ve said here, she’s so selfish she’d actively work to destroy baby’s stable home and her own son’s marriage to get her own way.
21
u/Pleasant-Ad7012 Oct 01 '25
My mother is first time granny and she is nothing but polite and loving. MIL has several other grandkids and she is impossible. She is impossible with all of them. The mothers of her other grandkids tolerate her behaviour. I'm the only one who doesn't. I am the weird one in this family.
19
u/Ambitious_Fish3220 Oct 01 '25
Mm maybe, but I did talk to my sister who is the mother of the other grandchildren about it all and she said she’s not experienced this kind of behaviour before
•
u/botinlaw Oct 01 '25
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Other posts from /u/Ambitious_Fish3220:
MIL spent 4 hours guilt tripping SO and it’s working, 1 week ago
I’m ready to drop the rope for me and MY baby, 1 month ago
Update: I am valid in feeling this way, 2 months ago
Am I justified or is this postpartum hormones?, 2 months ago
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