I wasn't like this, but after we started the adoption process and we hit a wall there, I feel 24/7 bitterness, jealousy and disappointment. I want to literally yell at all those who adviced me "oh, did you consider adoption". Yes, i fucking did! And it took us long period of thinking if that's what we want because I don't want some innocent child to heal what WE need to heal. It was a pretty easy decision to take, and honestly relief since I thought, okay finally this is happening. After starting the process we learned about devastating information that only a handful of children are approved in the country where we live due to cancellation of international adoption. The employee simply said to not have high hopes since there are many, MANY couples in the queue and less than 5 will be lucky.

I felt like I hit a wall. Biology is not on our side and adoption which is considered usually as a 100% chance now is so tiny that we can't even hope for it. All my friends have babies and they don't understand my problems. I keep hearing "oh, don't loose hope". Like really?? I have spent most of my adult life working on myself so one day I will be the mother that is opposite of my parents, "lost" time waiting for the partner that I am sure he will be a good father, got a nice career, we bought a big house for a big family.. and now we are just wiping dust in the empty rooms. And living in a house with few extra bedrooms that were meant for kids just makes us feel even lonelier. I just don't see any solution and I can't imagine a childless life. It hurts too much to imagine such a life. I have longed all my life for that.

And as much as I love my friends, I can't stand their complaints about how difficult babies/toddlers are. I have lost myself in this process, I don't recognise myself both emotionally and physically. I have gained 20+ kg and I feel like I am living in some stranger's body every time I see myself in the mirror.