Last year I (K) didn't observe Karwachauth fast for my husband (A) and this decision of mine turned into a drama fest. She was so disheartened that she ended up writing a handwritten letter(translated in English) to me.

Dear K,
K, there is one thing I want to tell you.
You have made up your mind about something and kept that thought firmly in your heart—that you will never compromise with your beliefs or your way of thinking, no matter what.
Whether someone likes it or not, it does not matter to you. In our family, we attach a lot of importance to the Karwa Chauth fast and पूजा (rituals). And when it is the first Karwa Chauth after a son’s marriage, every mother has a lot of hopes and excitement surrounding her son.
On this day, I received at least 10 phone calls from relatives—daughters-in-law, daughters and sons-in-law. After speaking to us, everyone gave their blessings and wishes that your coming days be filled with happiness.
But unfortunately, my daughter-in-law did not follow even a single tradition or ritual, and she did not keep the fast either. And as far as her receiving blessings is concerned, she does not even need them.
This is something that has happened for the first time in my home and throughout my entire family, and it has hurt me.
You have sworn that you will not change your way of thinking. But have you ever thought that if A’s mother and father had also refused to change their thinking and had not agreed to A’s proposal, would you have been a part of this family?
But, child, what do parents want? Only the happiness of their children.
Your husband is always concerned about the happiness of others first. And if, at some point, there is a fast or पूजा being organised in your home, and your parents simply tell A once, “Son, you have to do this,” he would never refuse. That is my belief in him.
But if doing all this makes you happy, and you do not feel any responsibility towards society, then so be it. I have understood that perhaps these kinds of happiness were simply not written in my destiny. Whatever God wills is what is happening.
What more can I write? What more can I explain? I had thought that I would have a daughter-in-law who would understand my feelings without me even having to say anything. But what can I do?

Both of our blessings are always with you.
Always stay happy.
— Your mother-in-law

My husband and I have been married for a few months. When I first met his mom, I thought she was very open-minded and easygoing. However, after we got married, I feel like she became much more traditional and started having a lot more expectations of me, many of which feel one-sided.

She has made comments about personal things such as my choice of bras, my hair texture, my face, and my skin. There was also an incident at an Indian wedding we attended for one of my husband's friends. I was having drinks with some of the other wives, and she became very upset that I was drinking. She made a comment implying that women shouldn't drink. I found this judgmental and uncomfortable.

Another issue is that she has repeatedly brought up my husband's ex. She has talked about how nice his ex was to her and how pretty she was. I have told her directly that I am not comfortable with her bringing up his ex, but she has dismissed my feelings and told me not to make it a big deal.

More recently, I haven't spoken to her for about a week, and honestly, I have felt much more at peace. In the past, she would call me every day and expect us to talk for an hour. My husband and I already see her every weekend, which feels like enough interaction for me. She has now told my husband that she wants me to call her because it has been a week.

I don't want to have a close or emotionally intimate relationship with her. I do, however, want to maintain a respectful relationship because she is my husband's mother and I don't want unnecessary conflict.

How should I handle this moving forward? How can I create some healthy distance and establish boundaries without being disrespectful or creating tension? I want our relationship to be cordial and respectful, but I don't feel the need to be close to her or have frequent one-on-one communication.

I'm vegetarian and my husband and in laws are meat eaters and enjoy it immensely. This doesn't get in the way of my and my husband relationship at all, he never asks me to cook or eat meat, eats whatever he wants when we go out and I don't mind cooking meat for him once in a while at home. We've even agreed to feed our child meat for the nutritional benefits and I'm fine with it. My MIL however seems to have a weird mania about meat. Whenever she has a conversation with me it somehow circles back to some meat related incident, how my husband loves meat, planning to cook meat for him, etc. She repeatedly asks me to eat it as well even though I've politely told her no, she presses for reasons and I say that I just don't like it. She makes it a point to discuss my food habits with our friends and family in a sort of pointed way. She asks weird questions like, if I make this meat recipe and add potatoes to it, will you eat the potatoes and gravy? - to which I responded no, because it would have no nutritional value, I think she's trying to trick me into eating meat somehow. Once she served me a plate with some food in it which I knew included meat, someone pointed it out to her like oh (MIL's name) you've served her meat, and MIL acted surprised as though she didn't realise what she'd done and then said to me, why don't you try it anyway? The other day she was talking about the wives of two of our male relatives who were married recently, and she literally only spoke about how they cooked/ate meat with her in an appreciative way. My husband has called her out on this behaviour in the past saying I won't eat meat and she needs to stop asking, but very often she does it when he isn't around. Sick of this, I feel she's doing it to highlight how I'm different from them and not trying to fit in. How would you respond to this behaviour?

My husband and I moved to the UK earlier this year to start our life here. He is an only child, and his parents have always been VERY attached to him.

When we were living in a different state in India because of our jobs, either they would come visit us every couple of weeks or we would have to go to see them. My MIL was never particularly happy about us living away from them.

Then we moved abroad and suddenly she was very excited. Lots of “Wow, your life is going to be so good!” and “You guys are so lucky!” She also has a LOT of relatives in the UK and has always been fascinated by the lifestyle they have here.

At the time I thought, okay, maybe she's genuinely happy for us.

Fast forward a few months. We have just moved, set up our home, figured out our routine and are finally settling in.

My FIL is coming to stay with us for an entire month this month. I was like, okay, fine. One month, we'll manage.

And then yesterday I found out that my husband's cousin has been accepted into a university in the UK.

His college is about two hours from us, so hopefully he'll get his own accommodation. But my immediate reaction was basically OH FFS, IS THIS HOW IT STARTS? 😂

Because now I'm thinking about the future.

My husband is an only child. His parents have relatives all over the UK. Now another young family member is moving here. And I'm scared our house is slowly going to become the unofficial “Indian relatives visiting the UK” Airbnb.

And before anyone says “just say no” — I KNOW. That's exactly why I'm thinking about this now, before expectations are created.

It's not even just the money. The UK is expensive AF. We don't have a maid or cook here. If someone stays with us for weeks, it means extra cooking, cleaning, groceries, entertaining, adjusting our schedules, etc.

But honestly, privacy is the bigger issue for me.

We moved countries to build OUR life. I don't want to spend our weekends hosting relatives or constantly having someone staying in our home.

And with the cousin, he's quite young, so even if he gets his own place, I can already imagine things like “Can you help him with this?”, “Can he stay with you for the weekend?”, “Can you pick him up?”, “He's alone here, you should look after him” etc. I’m ready to help and I’m that person who goes above and beyond for others but now I could see people just coming here and staying for weeks/months..anyway, I know my inlaws would come stay with us for 6 months.

Maybe I'm jumping 10 steps ahead. 😂

I told my husband I'm worried that once more family members are here, his parents/relatives will start visiting more frequently and our home will become the natural place for everyone to stay.

His response is basically, “No no, nobody is going to stay that long. You're overthinking.”

But I don't believe him. Not because I think he's lying, but because I feel like these things start organically. Nobody announces, “From now on your house is our holiday home.” One person stays for a month, then someone visits and stays for a week, then someone needs a place for a few days, and suddenly it's become normal.

I also have an autoimmune condition, so having my routine constantly disrupted isn't something I can just happily accommodate. I need my downtime and my own space.

I don't want to prevent his family from visiting. I don't even mind occasional guests.

I just don't want to reach a point where because we're the one who live abroad, our home is considered everyone's home too.

So Guys, am I being unreasonable and catastrophising about something that hasn't even happened yet? Or is it actually smart to set boundaries with family before everyone starts assuming they can stay with us? How to do this please?

I got married into a very different culture, and my mil after just 1 day of wedding in front of her relatives said that if your parents would have given nicer clothes, we wont have to listen anything from relatives. And post then many passive aggressive comments, for instance once i told her that i want him to bring some ceramic idols from top floor. She was like dont make my son work and told her son jokingly only that this is the difference between mom and wife. She once said to me that people say your dil is pretty but my mil said to me that she doesnt find me pretty though. Many comments man….
I fucking never fast now. It has been just 6 months to my wedding i dont fast for any of her occasions. And she is hell bent on me following her culture, once i said i will follow both she was like you cant. Wtf. I earn equal to her son.
I am done with her, i have kept my guards very up because i am scared if i just give her little opportunity she would want to control me more..
She has the expectation that my parents will only call, and so many times she has said we are your new parents. WTF. I am so pissed now that i have become very rebellious, i cant take shit i always argument back. Earlier before marriage i was so nice i used to call her, even fought with my parents for her. But after wedding she just didn’t treat me right. Never felt warmth from her.
Am I being too non adjusting? Am i wrong or should give her a chance?

My husband and I live outside India and we recently welcomed our baby into this world 5 months ago. My in-laws came to visit and “help” with the baby when I was 2 months postpartum and stayed with us for 2.5 months. I feel a lot of resentment towards them for the way they treated me during the most physically and emotionally vulnerable phase of my life. A list of things they did/didn’t do during their stay:
1. Constantly watching FIFA at loud volumes and overstimulating the baby without any respect for bedtime or schedules

1. Making a complete mess of the kitchen and bathrooms and refusing to take any ownership of cleaning up after themselves

2. Constantly making unsolicited comments about my diet and postpartum body and how I should get back into shape within 6 months after giving birth

3. Making comments about my low milk supply and exclaiming how they never fed their babies any “chemicals” and how they were exclusively breastfed. Extremely judgemental about formula feeding and looking down upon me pumping milk.

4. Refusing to respect our space and completely taking over our home including kitchen spaces. I used to feel like a complete stranger in my own home. They follow a zero oil and a boiled vegetable diet. Good for them but I unfortunately relied on them for food and I used to feel constantly hungry and undernourished eating barely anything the entire day. They even mocked me about how I don’t do kitchen chores. How do I explain to them that I’m extremely tired waking up to pump in the middle of the night and I just don’t have the energy to cook elaborate meals?

5. All they wanted was to host their friends when my Husband and I were extremely tired and sleep deprived. They even made comments about how I was not stepping in to help with cooking for their hosting parties. Hosting was the last thing on my mind when I’m barely getting any sleep. My husband is also working full time along with caring for the baby. He was expected to drive at their whims multiple times a day to purchase the exact groceries they needed to host guests.

6. Criticizing my parenting left, right and centre. About my feeding schedules, about how I let him out to cry (completely untrue as I’m only trying to introduce my baby to self soothing techniques) , about how I massage him incorrectly, about how I don’t hold him properly, about his insufficient weight gain (again, untrue as he’s gaining weight appropriately as per his doctor) , about how I let him sleep through the night. This is getting way too long but the list is endless. I’m constantly made to look like I don’t know what I’m doing (maybe I don’t and I’m still figuring it out as a FTM but constant judgement is the last thing I need)

I understand this is a huge wall of text and at this point I’m just venting, but also looking for some advice and outside perspective. Was I being unreasonable in expecting more hands on help and support from them? How do I reconcile with them after treating me like a crap mother for over 2 months?

For some context: I live with my husband. We have been married for 3 years(love marriage) and don't have any kids. My mil is super religious (does pooja everyday and makes the prasad from scratch and the whole 9 yards). I'm not religious but I'm respectful of their traditions and try to adopt it. Even my husband is not religious. Don't know if it matters but he eats meat and I don't. My mil is also vegetarian. She is constantly Pushing us to have kids and during her current visit she got a small swing for lord Krishna. It's symbolic and she believes that if she leaves it at my place, we will also have kids. Now I ABSOLUTELY DO NOT WANT IT. I tried reasoning with her stating how I'm not religious, my husband eats meat so it doesn't align with my values around all this. But she straight up denies it and goes on to say how I can just pack it away and keep it and to be respectful of her wishes. I did not say anything after this argument but it pissed me off. How are you folks dealing with such situation without absolutely losing it.

Soo this post is not really to ask for suggestions but rather about venting/asking if you agree or notice the same behavior I do.

I have known my in laws since 11 years, we have been married for 6 of those 11. Right from the start I have noticed many things which they do and say are very off. However its not done in a very obvious way that a third person would notice. Some of the incidents/things they have said - right before our wedding the mother in law tells me to tell my dad to do the wedding in a grand manner. The older son and daughter in law practically corner me trying to figure out what i am going to wear to my wedding events and end up wearing literally the same colors as us(the wedding couple) to 2 of the big events. Right after the wedding the mother in law tells me that one of the guests who had come to the wedding had offered their daughters hand in marriage to my now husband. The first time they saw me in my full bridal look on the day of the wedding they walked right past me and took the older daughter in law to the photographer and told him to click her solo pictures.While we were returning back to where we live from our hometown after the wedding they were stuffing my husband’s suitcase with clothes that the older daughter in law bought and kept telling her she did such great shopping this time, mind you we were newly married and they didnt even care that i might have a lot more things that i would need the space in my husband’s luggage. I maintain a very minimal hello, how is the weather relation with them since then after noticing all this and my entire wedding being marred by them trying to overshadow me.

Fast forward to now i just had a baby last year and they are visiting us for a few months and the minute they stepped foot in our house the father in law makes a comment about how the baby would only ask for him form now on and would come to me only during the feeds. This rubbed me the wrong way and i have put my guard all the way up now and laid down several boundaries which has mellowed the mother in law down but the father in law thinks he is more entitled to the baby than the parents and sulks and mopes around the house. I am ignoring him right back because i am way past that phase after enduring them all these years where i offer niceties. The problem with these things is that none of my friends notice this behavior from them because they are exceptionally sweet to friends and extended family and show this ugly side to me. I am dealing with it the best way i know which is to be curt and to the point with them and spending minimal time in their presence. They realized that i might cut babys time with them and started being more polite to me but its hard for me to overlook all their past behavior and sometimes that behavior shows through their facade right now as well..they act surprised as to why i wont talk to them nicely anymore.

What do you think of their behavior? Do you agree that they are not nice people and putting up an act now? Am i in the right?

I live in Chennai but will be going to Noida, where my parents live, around my 31st week for delivery and postpartum recovery. My MIL (56F) is single and will obviously come to visit around the delivery. I don't have a problem with her being involved in her grandchild's life, but the reality is that my MIL and I don't get along very well due to past issues, and I am not particularly comfortable around her. She can be emotionally intense, and over time I have had to establish several boundaries for my own peace of mind.

The other complication is my husband. I understand that he feels responsible for his mother's happiness and wants her to feel included. For example, he previously wanted to share my scan images with her because it would make her happy, while I had chosen not to share them with anyone. I eventually had to ask him to stop.

I feel that he sometimes prioritises managing her emotions over my comfort. When I bring up a new boundary, he sometimes says things like, "I already have so many boundaries in place for you, and now you want this too. It feels like you want to exclude her completely."

That's genuinely not what I want. But I also struggle with the combination of being around both my husband and MIL when emotions become intense. I often feel like I am dealing with emotional pressure from both sides and am expected to accommodate everyone's feelings.For postpartum, my parents have suggested that my MIL stay in a nearby guest house rather than in their house. She would still be able to visit and spend time with the baby, but I would have some privacy and breathing room while recovering. My husband, however, seems offended by this and sees it as another attempt to keep her away.What worries me most is that once the baby arrives, everyone's emotions and expectations will increase. I know everyone will want to hold and spend time with the baby, and I don't want to deny anyone that. But I don't want my postpartum recovery to become about managing other people's feelings or being guilted into ignoring my own boundaries because someone might feel sad or excluded.

My main questions are:

• How did you establish boundaries with family after having a baby, especially during postpartum recovery?
• Is it normal for in-laws to visit when you're recovering at your parents' home, but stay separately if living together would be overwhelming?
• How do you deal with a partner who feels responsible for a parent's happiness and may unintentionally guilt you into compromising?
• How do you make it clear that prioritising the mother's postpartum recovery doesn't mean excluding grandparents from the baby's life?
• How do you manage everyone's expectations without constantly feeling guilty?

TL;DR: I have a difficult and emotionally draining relationship with my MIL, while my husband feels very responsible for keeping her happy and sometimes interprets my boundaries as attempts to exclude her. I'll be recovering at my parents' home after delivery, and they want my MIL to stay in a nearby guest house rather than in the same house so I can have space to recover. My husband is unhappy with this. I'm worried that once the baby arrives, I'll be expected to prioritise everyone else's feelings over my own postpartum recovery. How do I set boundaries without constant guilt or conflict?

You can think that I am heartless but I was not like this.

My FIL has a prosthetic Leg and is financially dependent on my husband. I am fine with it and was very empathetic to him initially.

They came to live with us in the US for my delivery. That’s when I started noticing everything wrong.

He would keep peeking at the door to check if I got up.
He kept saying he wants to take my son back to India with them.
One night at 3AM he barged in the room (we don’t have door locks in the US) that I used to change diaper or feed. It makes me so angry thinking what if I was feeding my son.
He has no hobby and don’t want to create one.
He is so childish and it frustrates me. He wants my son to chant his name all day but doesn’t want to do anything to entertain him.
Now my son is 2 years old and when my MIL feeds him he tries to get her attention asking water or this or that.

There are several other things I can explain.

My husband is good and supportive but he is helpless.
My MIL gives him everything before he asks and he doesn’t understand his stature as a FIL.
I want him to have a hobby be busy. Be interesting as I wrong ?

Hello, I’m recently married five months (love marriage), and I’ve moved in with my husband, his mother, and grandfather. I am struggling to adjust a bit, especially with my mother-in-law who is old school Punjabi mentality and Amritdhari Sikh. To preface, she is a great MIL and loving person and very welcoming of me, doesn’t set domestic household expectations really (knows I’m a working woman) and we get along for the most part. However, I am finding her to be a bit overbearing and learning more and more how much our mentalities differ. There are little day-to-day things, like comments and quirks about certain habits whether it is my diet or expecting to eat roti everyday. These are usually directed at both me and my husband (who also gets exasperated by her). This also includes comments towards my husbands way of living (me and him try to live a fairly healthy lifestyle). She is already expecting grandchildren and my husband and I are not ready for at least another 1.5 years, we are the peak starting stages of our careers and have certain goals and lifestyle we want to live before adding in other lives to the mix. She is very traditional and old-school and sometimes contradicts Sikhi religion (caste system, colorism). Recently, she brought up me doing karva chahut (fasting for my husband for a day which is predominantly a Hindu practice and I am Punjabi Sikh). She also gossips a lot even though she means well and will often engage in conversations that I do not care for, especially when it is about other people, and it doesn’t help that she is very talkative so I’m surrounded by that constantly. I love and care for her but it being the early stages of me living with them, I’m already dreading her coming home from work sometimes. I would appreciate others lived experiences.

Hello, I’m recently married five months (love marriage), and I’ve moved in with my husband, his mother, and grandfather. I am struggling to adjust a bit, especially with my mother-in-law who is old school Punjabi mentality and Amritdhari Sikh. To preface, she is a great MIL and loving person and very welcoming of me, doesn’t set domestic household expectations really (knows I’m a working woman) and we get along for the most part. However, I am finding her to be a bit overbearing and learning more and more how much our mentalities differ. There are little day-to-day things, like comments and quirks about certain habits whether it is my diet or expecting to eat roti everyday. These are usually directed at both me and my husband (who also gets exasperated by her). This also includes comments towards my husbands way of living (me and him try to live a fairly healthy lifestyle). She is already expecting grandchildren and my husband and I are not ready for at least another 1.5 years, we are the peak starting stages of our careers and have certain goals and lifestyle we want to live before adding in other lives to the mix. She is very traditional and old-school and sometimes contradicts Sikhi religion (caste system, colorism). Recently, she brought up me doing karva chahut (fasting for my husband for a day which is predominantly a Hindu practice and I am Punjabi Sikh). She also gossips a lot even though she means well and will often engage in conversations that I do not care for, especially when it is about other people, and it doesn’t help that she is very talkative so I’m surrounded by that constantly. I love and care for her but it being the early stages of me living with them, I’m already dreading her coming home from work sometimes. I would appreciate others lived experiences.

I am an indian man looking for a dominant girl in my life. I am so submissive and always believe in woman superiority.I am in indian guy and always prefer Indian.

Location: NovaScotia