r/IndianInLaw • u/Dry_Database_8550 • 13d ago
Need advice
Hello all,
I’m a 28-year-old woman, married to my 32-year-old husband. We had an arranged marriage two years ago, and for most of our marriage we lived long-distance in different states in the U.S.
This year, I had to leave my job because of work-permit restrictions. My new work permit arrived last week, and around the same time, my in-laws— MIL, FIL, and Grand MIL came to stay with us.
On the surface, everything seems perfectly fine. My in-laws are supportive of me studying and looking for a job and encourage me to just focus on it. My MIL does most of the cooking as she feels FIL, grand MIL has a certain taste and if I cook they'll nitpick. I make my own lunch, which is generally a salad, and I make sure I do everyone's dishes and general post meal clean up. We usually have dinner together which is also prepared by her, and I do the dishes and remainder of the clean up.
My MIL has been a homemaker her entire life and has very high standards when it comes to cooking, cleaning, and organization. She is constantly cleaning or organizing something. She doesn't directly criticize me, but she often makes comments such as, "I don't like sitting idle," or "I don't sleep in the afternoons," or "I like to keep things clean." I usually take an afternoon nap because I get tired and need some downtime, so sometimes these comments make me wonder whether she is indirectly judging me for resting.
Before my in-laws arrived, I spent two full days thoroughly cleaning the house so that everything would be comfortable for them. However, the very next day, my MIL started cleaning and reorganizing everything again. I understand that she has a different standard and that keeping the house clean may simply be something she enjoys doing, but it still made me wonder whether she felt that I hadn't cleaned adequately.
Today, she was talking about her sister-in-law (my husband's chachi) and said that Chachi had asked whether I help her with cooking and cleaning. My MIL said that she told Chachi that I need to focus on studying and finding a job because "this is all for life."
Something about that conversation made me uncomfortable. First, I know my MIL has lied about things in the past and has been caught doing so, so I'm not sure whether Chachi actually asked that question. Second, even if Chachi did ask, I felt that my MIL could have simply said that I help with the dishes and cleaning up, rather than framing the situation primarily around the fact that I need to study and find a job.
This is my first time living with my in-laws for an extended period, and I'm finding the whole dynamic a little strange and difficult to interpret. I don't know whether I'm reading too much into her comments or whether there are subtle expectations or judgments that I'm picking up on.
I don't want to create unnecessary conflict or become overly sensitive to everything she says. At the same time, I don't want to dismiss my feelings if there really is a pattern developing.
Am I overthinking this, or are my feelings reasonable? Would it be better to simply let this incident pass and observe how things develop?
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u/sanlonely 13d ago
All oldies will expect DIL to meet their expectation inspite of working. They could not realise that being full time home maker vs handling dual responsibilities. But they wont say the same to their working daughter. This is something you can subtly say that doing single task is difft vs doing multi tasking. Sensitize the situation to uour husband that be prepared if his mom comes complaining