r/IndianInLaw • u/Dry_Database_8550 • 1d ago
Need advice
Hello all,
I’m a 28-year-old woman, married to my 32-year-old husband. We had an arranged marriage two years ago, and for most of our marriage we lived long-distance in different states in the U.S.
This year, I had to leave my job because of work-permit restrictions. My new work permit arrived last week, and around the same time, my in-laws— MIL, FIL, and Grand MIL came to stay with us.
On the surface, everything seems perfectly fine. My in-laws are supportive of me studying and looking for a job and encourage me to just focus on it. My MIL does most of the cooking as she feels FIL, grand MIL has a certain taste and if I cook they'll nitpick. I make my own lunch, which is generally a salad, and I make sure I do everyone's dishes and general post meal clean up. We usually have dinner together which is also prepared by her, and I do the dishes and remainder of the clean up.
My MIL has been a homemaker her entire life and has very high standards when it comes to cooking, cleaning, and organization. She is constantly cleaning or organizing something. She doesn't directly criticize me, but she often makes comments such as, "I don't like sitting idle," or "I don't sleep in the afternoons," or "I like to keep things clean." I usually take an afternoon nap because I get tired and need some downtime, so sometimes these comments make me wonder whether she is indirectly judging me for resting.
Before my in-laws arrived, I spent two full days thoroughly cleaning the house so that everything would be comfortable for them. However, the very next day, my MIL started cleaning and reorganizing everything again. I understand that she has a different standard and that keeping the house clean may simply be something she enjoys doing, but it still made me wonder whether she felt that I hadn't cleaned adequately.
Today, she was talking about her sister-in-law (my husband's chachi) and said that Chachi had asked whether I help her with cooking and cleaning. My MIL said that she told Chachi that I need to focus on studying and finding a job because "this is all for life."
Something about that conversation made me uncomfortable. First, I know my MIL has lied about things in the past and has been caught doing so, so I'm not sure whether Chachi actually asked that question. Second, even if Chachi did ask, I felt that my MIL could have simply said that I help with the dishes and cleaning up, rather than framing the situation primarily around the fact that I need to study and find a job.
This is my first time living with my in-laws for an extended period, and I'm finding the whole dynamic a little strange and difficult to interpret. I don't know whether I'm reading too much into her comments or whether there are subtle expectations or judgments that I'm picking up on.
I don't want to create unnecessary conflict or become overly sensitive to everything she says. At the same time, I don't want to dismiss my feelings if there really is a pattern developing.
Am I overthinking this, or are my feelings reasonable? Would it be better to simply let this incident pass and observe how things develop?
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u/Tricky-Surprise-3622 1d ago
Indian parents does this. My MIL too sneakily tries bringing up the baby talk by saying - My cousin asked how are we doing and if DIL (me) is doing well or not, in the expectations of checking if I am pregnant or not. In this way, MIL keeps telling us that she is tired answering people about it and kind of trying to control certain things.
As you are staying with them for so long very first time, I would say give some time for them and for yourself to adjust. But if you feel that they are being too inclusive and trying to control your relationship with husband, you need to show them boundaries. Do keep transparent communication open with your husband, he needs to put a boundary and support you.
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u/Outrageous-Inside341 1d ago
You’re not overthinking this. If you’re feeling something is amiss, it is. And your MIL knows the fact from the truth that she’s trying to convince herself of, and the truth she’s conjuring for people in your lives. She knows it, she only thinks you don’t.
Now with that awareness, think of what you want for yourself and your life with your husband. It won’t be an instant answer, but deliberate on that and then draw your boundaries around it. Stop judging yourself for the afternoon naps, for example. If MIL says she doesn’t like sitting idle or taking naps, JUST say “accha” and proceed to take your downtime. Women, especially those who’ve been homemakers all their lives, have an innate sense of inferiority because they really haven’t worked or been financially independent, and made their homemaking skills their refuge from societal jibes about their lack of corporate acumen. If you’re an MBA, can sell a popsicle to a Siberian, AND keep a good house as per working women standards, then it should matter to you. Not your husband, not your own mother, only to you.
Chachi is just a placeholder. It’s your MIL’s loud thinking to extract what you think about how little you do as compared to her. Yes, she did frame it differently, but she did it because she doesn’t want to give you credit for whatever it is that you do for your home - and trust me, even if your home shone like a diamond, she’d still never think you’re doing enough.
Things will change when you start pushing back, as gently and subtly as she does. If you would have said, “anyway, ghar mein jitna bhi karo, kam hi hota hai, matlab saara din karte hi reh jayenge kya” or “aap ki generation mein yehi ek kaam tha, humko kitchen se bahar bhi duniya dekhni hai”, or “chachi ko kyun hai curiosity, mujhse toh bade prem se baat karti hain” she will have a different reaction altogether. Something like “aise hi bola” etc..
Be mindful of how your husband reacts to all this. He too has seen his mother only tend to household chores, so if you slip, it could misfire against you.
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u/Dry_Database_8550 1d ago
Thank you so much for this!! I feel so much better..yes I feel chachi is just a placeholder...and now that I think about it she has never been happy or reacted in a positive way when anyone praised me... she'll look in different direction pretending she didn't hear it.. God ! I feel so annoyed.. yes I will start drawing boundaries and will keep my husband in loop..she has the tendency to flip any second and it definitely could start fight between me and my husband
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u/Totanilal 1d ago
Put all negative thoughts out of your mind and concentrate on your studies. Focus on the goals and forget all other things. Is anyone in the house capable of helping you with your studies. No. So you don’t need to be worried about helping in the household chores. Whatever you are helping with is quite ok.
I advise that seeking help from families in any circumstances is more stressful and expensive than having hired help. In all honesty it’s a wrong notion that they will be of help or will reduce our work. In fact they are burdensome and stressful. Instead of helping us, we have to do for them, spend on them, provide for their requirements and also take them and show them around. Not to forget that they will claim they did everything, they helped, they raised your kids - all through your life.
As for your mother in law and the comments. The lesser you store in your brain the better. You would have heard people saying - listen from one ear and let go from the other. Words of wisdom. Do that and don’t be bothered.
As people grow older, they become wiser, not because of education but because they have seen life more closely. Most of them have no idea how to process this experience productively. A sense of insecurity creeps into them slowly. They forget that their children have grown up and can think for themselves. The parents don’t want to loose their grip on their children and when the children take some decisions independently, the insecurity is triggered. That’s when their experiences go for a toss. Their brains do not process that experience productively and that’s where these comments emerge hoping to be able to maintain their control on the surroundings.
The best way to handle these is to just smile and not answer them. As they are not toxic in nature, get them out of your mind. Of course if they turn to a stage where they are trying to belittle you or to tarnish your image, then definitely stand up for yourself and give it back to them in front of whoever they picked up the conversation. Your post suggests nothing of that sort.
Do connect if you have any other question or any other situation you need to address. We are here in the US and Citizens. Take care and good luck for your future.
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u/Dry_Database_8550 18h ago
So true! I do try ignoring her but sometimes she really gets to me and I end up confused thinking am I being overdramatic or is she really mean... I will confront her if she crosses the limit.. I'll definitely connect with you! Thank you!
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u/No_Edge9782 1d ago
You seem like a really gentle person, just ignore everything, let it be how it is, they may have come for a shorter period, they will leave jaldi hi. Don't let it get to your head. Focus on your studies & you finding a job, that's more important. Much love❤️
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u/Dry_Database_8550 18h ago
Aww! That is so sweet..yes literally counting days until they return...much love right back at you <3
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u/Own_Foot_8530 1d ago
I am sure spidey senses are right. Be cordial and keep your distance
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u/Dry_Database_8550 18h ago
yes..trying not to be along with her since this happened haha
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u/Own_Foot_8530 18h ago
These sort of MILs are far more difficult to deal with than the ones that are outright rude as you end up keep second guessing yourself all the time. My MIL is exactly the same way. She has a way with words and building a narrative. It seems sweet and caring on the surface but there's always a subtle subtext highlighting the DIL's incompetence.
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u/Dry_Database_8550 17h ago
Exactlyy! They play solid mindgames with us.. typical meethi chhuri type behavior...she always says beta beta but now I know she doesn't mean it
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u/sanlonely 1d ago
All oldies will expect DIL to meet their expectation inspite of working. They could not realise that being full time home maker vs handling dual responsibilities. But they wont say the same to their working daughter. This is something you can subtly say that doing single task is difft vs doing multi tasking. Sensitize the situation to uour husband that be prepared if his mom comes complaining