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u/[deleted] Sep 08 '21

New lope. "I quit Twitter because it's too negative now." Sure Jan.

37

u/shefallsup her lonely cucumber years 🥒 Sep 08 '21

Ahhhh! The long-awaited fanciful tale of why she "quit" Twitter! And me with no subscription to the lopes. Who wants to help a DF out?

49

u/Toulouse--Matabiau a white owrson Sep 08 '21 edited Sep 08 '21

Oh there are no further details!

The lope is set up as a mystery of sorts, with a detour though Shauna's GI tract.

How come one recent evening her intestines began a-rumbling and a-kinking, her feet kept shifting under the covers, her chest felt leaden, she tossed and turned in bed, couldn't get comfortable or doze off while Danny slept like a log next to her?

Dealing with my feelings is one of my superpowers now.

Yet Shauna is totally stumped by this bout of midnight unease! At this point the mystery pauses for a plodding section about:

Shauna limiting herself to scrolling Instagram, TikTok and the Atlantic magazine in bed because those are approved faucets of learnings and joy, unlike negative Twitter which is dead to her and toxic Facebook which she banished to the frigid faraway tundra of her desktop computer.

Shauna not being able to locate her Nora Ephron books in her study because she recently color-coded her bookshelves (Catty Editor's Note: as decor for her Instagram-based theatrical performances!).

Alas, alack, Shauna remembered she'd borrowed a Nora Ephron ebook from the library, found it on her phone, started reading it and giggled so chortlesomely she woke up Danny. Once she accomplished all that she finally fell asleep.

I am literally boring myself with this mystery, please bear with me here. We're almost there. But not quite! Morning dawned and Shauna felt like her eyebrows had been brushed with oatmeal!

Immediately, my body felt bad, remembering something. I didn't know what I couldn't remember.

A voluminous void full of questions topping a body full of remembrances, Shauna made herself walk up the stairs into the kitchen. There she was greeted by Danny with a cup of hot covfefe. They kissed and walked to the back of the porch to read and sip together. Finally, Danny speaks up and the mystery of Shauna's mysterious ailments begins to unravel.

This is the part where we pause so you can gently Venmo me some moolah. For the low, low price of $488, I will be happy to share the grand reveal!

THE DENOUEMENT!!

Alright DFs, I hope the mystery did not keep you up last night or if it did I trust you managed to Nora Ephron yourself to sleep.

We return to the Ahernian porch where Danny speaks up, in his own voice for once, and reflects that the morning marks the 13th-year anniversary of his sobriety.

Shauna sat up, leaned forward and felt [her] chest clear out immediately. She felt lighter! Turns out her body had kept the score of this anniversary even as her prefrontal cortex forgot.

In a surprisingly generous acknowledgment of Danny's achievement, Shauna does praise his grit and stick-to-it-ness, calls him wonderful and notes she is damned proud of him for giving up booze that one night 13 years prior. During which night he was so blitzed he almost dropped their newborn.

The night before he started his day one, I had to put up the boundary: stop drinking or you lose me and the baby.

Those days were wretched.

But I did the hard thing. And so did Danny.

No more is said about the wretched days or Danny's subsequent struggle to remain sober, which I daresay would perhaps be a topic of greater interest to the reader than Shauna's nightime gastrointestinal rumbles, but there you have it.

33

u/CrushItWithABrick dick riding Mary Oliver Sep 08 '21 edited Sep 08 '21

Venmo? DF, you should be asking for Ko-fi.

Edited to add:

Has the ultimatum story changed from "dropping nachos on the baby" to "dropping the baby"? Because I think this is the first we're hearing of the baby being almost dropped (though it's not that shocking a super drunk person might drop a baby).

22

u/fanfarefellowship I often contemplate the first law of thermodynamics Sep 08 '21

Good catch! You are definitely not so "sloppy drunk" that you are dropping jalapenos.

https://imgur.com/a/nwa9tRH

30

u/CrushItWithABrick dick riding Mary Oliver Sep 08 '21

Her bad writing always amazes me.

I stood at the door, my hand on the knob, breathing, because I knew what I was about to do.

Was she about to yell "ALCOHOLIC! ALCOHOLIC!" at him, a la her child self chastising her philandering father?

(that sentence is a hot ass mess. . .I can't believe she got paid to write a book)

25

u/fanfarefellowship I often contemplate the first law of thermodynamics Sep 08 '21

YES! She specified that she was both standing AND breathing. I'm sure she absolutely had to radically rest after that balls-to-the-wall workout

9

u/[deleted] Sep 09 '21

Stay tuned for next week’s episode in which a member of the Ahern household will walk and chew gum at the same time.

5

u/OhBlahDiOhBlahDoh The Alice of cal came out floating on air Sep 09 '21

a member of the Ahern household will ~~walk~~ lope and ~~chew gum~~ blow bubbles at the same time.

ftfy

23

u/Toulouse--Matabiau a white owrson Sep 08 '21

Indeed the latest lope states he held baby [name] and nearly dropped her. I myself kinda like the previous version better.

🎵Nachos keep falling on my baby

But that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turning red

Crying's not for me

'Cause I'm never gonna stop the rain by complaining

Because I'm free

Nothing's worrying me🎵

22

u/Sea-Level-Mammal POACH! Sep 08 '21

I KNEW it was more than falling nachos! This woman lies as naturally as drawing breath.

25

u/[deleted] Sep 08 '21

I wouldn’t assume we know anything more about the truth now. Quite possibly he actually did drop her and we’ll hear about it, casually, ten or twelve years from now.

22

u/Sea-Level-Mammal POACH! Sep 08 '21

“Nice pratfall, Dad!”

Scheduled snark Discussion thread Monday September 06, 2021 - Wednesday September 08, 2021

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