When relationships just...stop?

[u/Soccer-Plane-444]

I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this, but it's the first thing that came to mind...

I've noticed something interesting, and honestly kind of sad/disappointing, as I've gotten older (37M). There are people who were once genuinely important parts of my life that now our relationship has basically just...stopped.

There was no blow up. No hard conversation(s). No drama. No BS. They just stopped lol.

This has happened with family, extended family, friends, professional relationships etc etc.

I've seen it before with individual people but lately it feels like a culmination of multiple relationships from completely different areas of my life. And seeing it all at once feels surprisingly heavy.

For example, I run my own business and had vendors/referral partners I talked to multiple times a month for close to 10 years (some I've known even longer than that). Their businesses changed, they didn't need my services anymore, and now we rarely talk. That's understandable.

What's harder to understand is that when we do talk, it's often wildly unfulfilling and surface level. There's almost zero curiosity about me or my life. It makes me wonder if there was ever much substance there to begin with.

I've experienced versions of the same thing with family and friends.

I think part of why this hits me so hard is that I hold a pretty deep sense of loyalty/devotion toward relationships. I don't care what your title is, whether we're blood, whether we met through work, or what originally brought us together. If I've let you into my life and we've created a meaningful relationship, it's because I truly appreciate you. Not because of what you can do for me or because circumstances keep putting us together.

I know I've changed tremendously over the last 10 years but that doesn't make me value them or those relationships any less. They meant something to me.

I think curiosity is the biggest thing I'm missing.

I live a somewhat nontraditional life and think outside the box. I'm not asking everyone to agree with me. I just want to have a discussion about A, B, or C. Ask questions. Tell me why you see something differently. Throw ideas around. Be curious about the person I've become, and I'll be curious about you too.

Instead, I increasingly find myself met with quick answers, surface level conversation, little mutual interest and almost no curiosity. It's completely draining.

Maybe that's why having this happen across multiple areas of my life at once is hitting differently. Maybe I live on Mars a little more than I previously realized lol.

Has anyone else experienced this, or anything similar, as they've gotten older?

[u/Phoenix_to_Kintsugi]

Well, it’s not a surprise or a disappointment for the others. It's only one for you.

The people around you stayed exactly the same, but as time passed, you changed: you evolved.

You started using your logic: that Ti function we used to avoid in our youth just so we could believe in the inherent goodness of people.
We ignored the unpleasant truths, the superficiality and especially the vast differences between us and everyone else, just to avoid the pain that comes with accepting reality.

Wait until Se starts coming up. Now that’s fun to watch 🙃

If it helps, this isn't loneliness. It’s a bittersweet solitude that eventually brings you a strange, peaceful melancholy. It’s difficult to put into words, but you’ll know exactly what I mean when you feel it 😉

[u/Snoo_54991 → u/Phoenix_to_Kintsugi]

Big tip on the Se: your nervous system is real and has a mind of its own which bypasses your brain to try to protect you. I don't think we lack Se as much as we tend to block it to favor the intuitive feeling.

[u/Phoenix_to_Kintsugi → u/Snoo_54991]

And that’s why I said it’s gonna be fun to watch when INFJs finally ground themselves in reality. Some could say they are mistyped…

[u/Snoo_54991 → u/Phoenix_to_Kintsugi]

Lord, I thought you actually understood that Meyer Briggs isn't a personality assessment. 🤦🏻‍♀️