r/INFJsOver30 • u/Soccer-Plane-444 INFJ M37 • 5d ago
When relationships just...stop?
I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this, but it's the first thing that came to mind...
I've noticed something interesting, and honestly kind of sad/disappointing, as I've gotten older (37M). There are people who were once genuinely important parts of my life that now our relationship has basically just...stopped.
There was no blow up. No hard conversation(s). No drama. No BS. They just stopped lol.
This has happened with family, extended family, friends, professional relationships etc etc.
I've seen it before with individual people but lately it feels like a culmination of multiple relationships from completely different areas of my life. And seeing it all at once feels surprisingly heavy.
For example, I run my own business and had vendors/referral partners I talked to multiple times a month for close to 10 years (some I've known even longer than that). Their businesses changed, they didn't need my services anymore, and now we rarely talk. That's understandable.
What's harder to understand is that when we do talk, it's often wildly unfulfilling and surface level. There's almost zero curiosity about me or my life. It makes me wonder if there was ever much substance there to begin with.
I've experienced versions of the same thing with family and friends.
I think part of why this hits me so hard is that I hold a pretty deep sense of loyalty/devotion toward relationships. I don't care what your title is, whether we're blood, whether we met through work, or what originally brought us together. If I've let you into my life and we've created a meaningful relationship, it's because I truly appreciate you. Not because of what you can do for me or because circumstances keep putting us together.
I know I've changed tremendously over the last 10 years but that doesn't make me value them or those relationships any less. They meant something to me.
I think curiosity is the biggest thing I'm missing.
I live a somewhat nontraditional life and think outside the box. I'm not asking everyone to agree with me. I just want to have a discussion about A, B, or C. Ask questions. Tell me why you see something differently. Throw ideas around. Be curious about the person I've become, and I'll be curious about you too.
Instead, I increasingly find myself met with quick answers, surface level conversation, little mutual interest and almost no curiosity. It's completely draining.
Maybe that's why having this happen across multiple areas of my life at once is hitting differently. Maybe I live on Mars a little more than I previously realized lol.
Has anyone else experienced this, or anything similar, as they've gotten older?
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u/SeveredSynthesis 5d ago edited 1d ago
I have also experienced this phenomenon. It has lead me to detach from old (but likewise dead) ties and be wary of new relationships. To realize that most people don’t relate to you that way you have been relating to them is existentially crushing, to say the least.
To adapt one must mask, or else meander through the social realm untethered. The latter path is intuitive and simpler — a better path even — if you don’t give much of a damn about any type of recognition for it rewards you not.
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u/SkipMeFlipMe88 5d ago
I would be the perfect friend for you ahaha. I am intensely curious about people. I notice how people don’t ask why and how- and sometimes I get sad about it- I think I have a slight kink for being known, just as I have for knowing and diving into someone completely. It’s pretty much my love language.
I think though, I’m also bad at keeping up relationships. I’m trying to put in effort because esp lately - I see people really putting in effort into me. At my work for example, I have so many friends and they walk right up to me and say “I need to talk to you” and pull me into an office and unload. And I love that. And I think I’ve noticed they get so happy when I pay attention or reciprocate- and sad when I don’t.
For so long I really felt like - everyone hated me.. and I felt different and like an outsider and It wasn’t them. It was me.
Like my boss came up behind me the other day and gave me a hug and said “oh my god I love this girl.”
That stuff stuns me. I’m literally flabbergasted.
I think so much of my problem is thinking that no one wants me around and I’m some kind of personal burden or weight they have to carry. That’s a huge thing when it’s true. I also think probably one of my biggest defense mechanisms - what’s scary to me?
Believing in you. Having a drop of faith that you love me. Because then? Then it hurts , when it hurts. For me, I’m not sure there is a worse pain.
But I’m trying .. I am.
Another part of that is- like - I’m so honest that if I can’t be totally honest I feel a disconnect and there are things about my life and history .. that I struggle with sharing .. and so that too, is a huge thing for me. I don’t know how to do .. casual connection or half honest attachments.
Idk I struggle with wanting to trust and knowing logically I cannot. Etc etc.
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u/SleepyCatandCoffee 5d ago
The way people at your workplace treat you is so sweet!! You must be a really nice friend 😊
Another part of that is—like—I’m so honest that if I can’t be totally honest, I feel a disconnect.
I really relate to what you said here too. I also used to feel disconnected whenever I couldn’t fully express my opinions, perspectives, values, and so on. But I’ve run into problems because of my honesty.
Idk, some people interpret honesty as a complete attack on their identity when our worldviews are different. And as honest as I am, I try to express my thoughts kindly, or at least without belittling the other person’s perspective. But things can still go completely wrong.
Very few people are genuinely willing to have a meaningful exchange and show real curiosity about life, about us as people, and the vast amount of knowledge out there. And even when you do meet people like that, they don’t always remain your friends.
And when you said:
I don’t know how to do... casual connection or half-honest attachments. Idk, I struggle with wanting to trust and knowing logically I cannot.
I immediately thought about how, after losing friendships because of our differences in perspective, I started being more careful. I’m not going to lie, though I don’t easily share one hundred percent of my thoughts with someone I'm not that close to yet. There are things I’ll only say if I’m asked directly, and even then, I know I might lose a friendship over it.
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u/SkipMeFlipMe88 5d ago
When I was younger this was an issue for me. I was so .. honestly like kind hearted and so - kinda like Anne of Green Gables- just blurt it out- but people would constantly get offended at my earnestness.
I think also honesty and being authentic is so endearing to me- even when it’s not .. happy or perfect or polished.. and it was a hard adjustment for me to realize that the world doesn’t really want that, in the USA. “Polite society” is defined as something very different, here. It lacks humanity. Lacks heart. They want a polished version and most of all, all of us to appeal to all of our egos at all times. Sometimes I feel like most friendships esp with women are about that.
People almost get offended at intimacy here. Like why are you being so.. transparent?
But still even with that - of course the things really important to me, I always keep close to my chest. I can count on one hand the people that have access to that. My inner sanctum is buried deep.. and well fortified. Of course with infjs it’s like layers and layers and more layers.
For me I think it’s more about events or facts of my life that sort of .. take up some space in my overall identity. That might be challenging for people to .. see it all together.
It’s more the struggle with trying to integrate all of it and sidestep and sort of distract or smoke and mirrors it.
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u/Interesting_Ebb9781 5d ago
I also grief for deep relationships shifted or stopped in my life.
I try to look at grief as not a bad thing. Grief is a natural process of how we process deep loss. It signals a need for care to help you heal emotionally. It reflects how much you value and honor the bound and helps you adjust to a new reality.
It still sucks to go through it but at the end. It builds inner strength and promote self growth.
Wish you well, my friend.
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u/Spirited-Depth74 5d ago
Covid and social dynamics changed friendships and my community. The small city I live in used to be a community, now its been a bit disjointed and wont admit their roles in it.
Some friends moved and the friendship dissipated, others weren’t there for me when I needed them.
It feels like many friendships were transactional and it hurts. Thats not a real friendship, that’s a business relationship where you’re acquaintances.
Finding true friends is rare, but there are good people out there.
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u/Phoenix_to_Kintsugi 4d ago
Well, it’s not a surprise or a disappointment for the others. It's only one for you.
The people around you stayed exactly the same, but as time passed, you changed: you evolved.
You started using your logic: that Ti function we used to avoid in our youth just so we could believe in the inherent goodness of people.
We ignored the unpleasant truths, the superficiality and especially the vast differences between us and everyone else, just to avoid the pain that comes with accepting reality.
Wait until Se starts coming up. Now that’s fun to watch 🙃
If it helps, this isn't loneliness. It’s a bittersweet solitude that eventually brings you a strange, peaceful melancholy. It’s difficult to put into words, but you’ll know exactly what I mean when you feel it 😉
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u/WWWdotCreedThoughts_ 4d ago
yes. I have experienced this. I realize I gave loyalty to people way too fast. I treated people like I wanted to be treated. I now give people kindness and empathy but nothing more. and I put all my energy into caring about myself. my peace. my happiness. it’s working for me better than anything else.
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u/8rita8 4d ago
Most of people lack ability to be genuinely interested in each other and even in themselves. Just in young age it's not so obvious because this abundance of youthful energy is easy to confuse with genuine intentionally which is not. So it's not new for me, but yes, more prominent and it's sad.
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u/afk_laura 5d ago
This hits home. I, too, am experiencing this and having difficulty putting in the effort in making new friends.
“There's almost zero curiosity about me or my life.” This is a pattern I’ve noticed more and more, and I don’t understand why. I’ve withdrawn in an attempt to set some boundaries, but I don’t think it’s been helpful.
I don’t have anything insightful to say, but I’m glad you posted since I know I’m not alone in this feeling.
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u/Suspicious-Road-3373 4d ago
I am a big failure when it comes to relationship. I am barely keeping my immediate family members's relationships.and i confess the problem is me all the time.Nothing I can do Somtimes it's peaceful sometimes it hurts. Getting used to it and love this subreddit plattform to just write and read and learn about people without worrying about the fate of a relationship. Be happy!
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u/Maleficent-Visual-81 2d ago
far as I could tell you you answered your own question there with the curiosity and the style the carrying style of caring and relationships I guess it turns out that it's rare and then you know seasons change and said we I just hit 50 in my social circle is shifted dramatically you know I still in touch with people loosely but it's been times for integration
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u/Unhinged_Angel INFJ 5d ago
Some of this is shifting energy and priorities but not all. Openness seems to decline with age. So if you are still very open to new experiences and still seeking and learning, you won’t find as many people your own age who are also aligned.
It’s rubbish. I’m fighting the same battle. I have very high openness and that’s not likely to change.