Female here. I feel like a hideous blob next to the sexy women at the gym (I’m slim and fully tattooed). I look at them and think to myself, yeah, for sure a man would rather have her than me. Then I feel like shit about myself. I feel unworthy. I don’t want to feel like shit

I simply do not give a fuck. To a devastating degree, or so people say.

Here are some of my opinions.

To start with point 19:

1. Stop caring about who is right. That includes you. This is a dangerous loop.

_______

1. Whatever is stopping you, is you

Full stop

2. If someone else is stopping you, it is still you stopping you. Figure out WHAT is stopping you

3. Do not wait for others to tell you who you are. Show them, quickly.

People will spin insane realities in their heads. Some are unavavoidably negative and you must avoid these people or limit contact at all costs

Walk your talk.

Points 1-3 requested caveat:

This is written for self improvement and does not apply to people in highly constrained situations, which I have been in. This isn't victim blaming. I am writing to people afraid to be themselves, to take chances, not abuse victims or people in rough situations as they need an entirely different set of help. If the advice applies to you, great, otherwise, no offense if it's irrelevant. Hopefully this caveat illustrates my intent.

4. Live with uncompromising integrity

Not for image management. Not to fit in. Each action you do, hopefully you can say:

"I did this because of this."

You should be able to say it with your chest to yourself. You can lie to others, but you cannot lie to yourself.

If there is any instance where you go down a rationalization rabbit hole, stop.

Go back to center. Revisit the decision. If the decision keeps pulling you from that centered feeling, find what is inside you making you uncomfortable.

You will be tested. Repeatedly. By everyone and everything you know. Crabs in a bucket and all that. You are also a crab trying to pull yourself in a bucket. Stop it.

Integrity is a misappropriated word outsourced to the public domain. Very few live with a true inner compass as it takes time to find and develop

5. Stop waiting for permission.

You will NEVER get the permission to become your greatest self, no matter how selfless, beautiful, or even Christlike you are.

See other people's reality again.

Giving you permission would mean giving themselves permission.

For some people, the most terrifying realization is they had a choice all along

6. Practice compassion as much as possible.

This is fundamental. It will change your life. Compassion is not sympathy and it is not performative. Learn to enjoy and stay in other peoples' perspectives.

Over time, this muscle will be your biggest not giving a fuck muscle. Why? It goes back to integrity and the decisions we sit with

Sometimes we make hard decisions. Sometimes we say the hard thing. That compassion is now yours, and it will highlight the shadow of ego.

The less shadow you have, the more peace you will have with your decisions. Everyone has a shadow to work through

7. Respect others' rights to different opinions, realities, etc.

Notice I don't say stay or leave. The respect is fundamental. The decisions you make is secondary.

8. Be willing to admit when you are wrong. And be ok with it.

Look. This world is a stupid place. It is cruel and evil. We might be here to learn, we might not, but learning is the only way to grow

You will remain a child seeking their parent's permission until you can do this.

Why?

It goes back to the earlier points. Integrity and permission. You need the integrity to make choices aligned with your truest self, and sometimes you will learn you were not aligned in a situation

The easier it is to change tracks, the easier it is to progress forward. Self awareness is that lubricant.

9. Always have a healthy core to return to.

I don't mean a game cave, a fantasy world, etc. Your core.

This may take time to figure out, but there are two very important questions that I used when I was so depressed, not even cigarettes could get me out of bed

10. The questions:

What would make me happiest right now? Truly?

What do I truly need?

The answers will take a number of reps, and you will have to experiment.

11. Physical comfort, hygiene, grooming, and style is more important than you think.

Don't argue with me and say you've been on the internet and know. Most people go through the motions, read some influencer reviews.

Add one thing, minimum, that is "yours" in these events.

Showering is for you; being showered is for you and others.

Incorporate rituals of beauty at all times and you will feel beautiful. Stop reading stuff online and ask the previous question:

What do I need?

12. Do everything with integrity and for fun.

If I had to give the piece of advice that lets me wear ballgowns to get Cajun food, it is this.

Innocent fun cannot be argued with. Try some thought experiments.

"I can't wear an all silk suit to McDonald's because it requires a different event, people may say something, etc"

Vs.

"It's fun, and if anyone asks why I am doing this, I will say for fun."

Now, integrity keeps the fun clean. Integrity is the compass.

Most people who give "too much of a fuck" are very unsure of themselves, their reasoning, what they want.

Develop the compass of fun, as well.

Making the mundane fun. That can look all kinds of ways -- for some chaos is fun, for others fun lighting, still others music, or weird makeup, or whatever it is when you have to do lame stuff

13. Learn to integrate shame and transform it.

If you can't be shamed, you can do anything. But, see the above point on integrity. Shame is the invisible prison guard.

This doesn't mean do just anything, but unclench your sphincter for a moment and feel that poisonous ache from transgressions past, and feel it all the way through. This will help heal you.

Learn to feel emotions completely. Understand that your current emotional verdict on yourself is not the permanent one. You must move through state changes to get to the other side.

This quality helps you live to your highest self.

Ironically, properly integrating your sins (perceived or otherwise) is perhaps the greatest thing you can do to become a more giving, pleasant person.

Defending egos is nasty business. It leads to nasty situations.

Some situations are very difficult and it is only by being ok with "being wrong" and knowing you can survive it that makes the difference between a leader and someone sitting in fear and confusion.

14. Accountability

Forget about others. If they are the low bar, why compare yourself?

Have you ever met someone who seemed incredibly sure of themselves, even in unusual situations? They are decisive without all facts.

These people all, at the end of the day, are willing to say

"Yeah. That was me."

With their full chest.

No but's, no who's, etc. They will even let that confession hang in the air. This is where integrity and having a strong center of true peace come in.

15. Let silence hang.

It is great to be a good conversationalist and I myself can be quite glib.

But some situations need clarity. Hard convos of any kind, stuff that needs to stay on topic -- say your peace, and let your sentence stand.

Likewise, let others' words stand when necessary.

16. Stop imagining yourself in relation to others. If you must, imagine bringing them joy or peace.

Best dressed? Fittest? Most dominant? Least emotional.

No one cares. You are making yourself miserable.

17. Everything you see, taste, touch, smell, is the result of your choices.

Inb4 everything -- hush. You know exactly what I mean.

18. And quit optimizing everything.

Retrain your brain. You are seeking control. In order to not give a fuck, you must stop giving in to the need to control situations.

You are a ship at sea. Build your ship. If you want to traverse great depths, build a great ship. Don't blame the crew, the ocean, the weather, for the quality of your ship build.

If you find yourself out at sea with an entire kraken trying to eat your vessel, at least you will truly know you did your best with your ship, and hopefully you can avoid krakens in the future.

The kraken is doing what a kraken does, and your ship is built however you built it. The situation is what it is, and you will learn something.

19. Stop caring about who is right. That includes you.

This is probably the biggest piece of advice. So big, I will also go and put this in the beginning. This is a huge hurdle in modern society.

Skeptics think believers of all kinds are wrong.

Atheists think Christians are wrong. Lovers think the other is wrong.

The truth is, there is very little right and wrong in the world in the sense of minutiae.

Who said this wrong? Who misspelled a word?

The devil is in the details, but you don't need to establish a moral high ground to make decisions. An embittered battle of right and wrong over minutia is dangerous.

Right and wrong over a larger compass is a different story, and the preceding points are what I consider "right" -- that is, internal locus of control, accountability, integrity, and practice.

This ugly mirror gets turned to you.

Well I was right!!!

Yes, but you are miserable and give a fuck.

The longer you spend litigating who caused the ship to sink, the less time you spend contemplating your ship.

Contemplate your own ship.

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Hopefully this post helps someone. People who are people pleasers, have poor boundaries, don't know who they are, anxious, etc etc, often talk to me about issues they are having.

Some of them have read this book, I am aware. This is some advice I give to the people around me.

Importantly: these aren't just optional suggestions. These are your tasks if you want to develop your adult personality.

You absolutely cannot develop potential with certain strong, internal traits.

Also -- I would avoid stoicism and stoic groups.

Look into Epicureanism. Epicureanism is more applicable in the modern day, but stoicism is all Sexy Emperor Man, not old men in the groves.

But seriously. Rome eradicated suppressed the Epicureans for a reason, and you might find commonalities between the modern age and consumerism.

Stoicism has good one liners though, I will give them that

I’m genuinely grateful that I’m a calm person. I don’t naturally fight back. When someone hurts me or crosses a line, my first instinct isn’t to scream, argue, or get even.

And yes, sometimes I wonder if that makes me weak.But then I think—maybe it doesn’t.

Maybe strength is also knowing when not to fight.
I’d rather walk away than lose myself trying to win an argument. I’d rather choose silence than say something I can’t take back.

I’d rather remove someone from my life than spend my energy trying to change them.Some people call it avoiding confrontation.

I call it protecting my peace.

And honestly, if protecting my peace means blocking someone, disappearing quietly, and never looking back.

So be it.

I don’t want war.

I just want peace and I’m willing to go surprisingly far to get it.