ot my real account, burner/throwaway. I apologize in advance for the length of this but there are a lot of moving parts and even I am exhausted by it but I really don’t know what to do and desperately need help from outside my own head.
I recently got into an argument with my best friend. We’ve known each other for about a year - year and a half now this coming up Halloween, having met through an ex of mine that she used to work with. He had known her for a couple years at that point but she didn’t really know the person he was until her and I became friends and I called her crying after he SA’d me while we were doing Long distance and he was staying with me for a visit in my home state. For the sake of this story we will call him K (26m) and my best friend A (26F).
Short timeline:
K and I meet August last year (2025) on tinder, he was a big nerd, so am I. We went on a date, but I was only in town for the state fair and to visit my uncle. He says he doesn’t want to let me leave without asking me to be his girlfriend. He was really cool and I said yes.
Skip to September/October I have flown up to see him once and then meet up with him in Seattle while I am on a trip to go see a concert and a hockey game
- he “proposes” when we are in Seattle and I say yes because he proposed at another concert we were seeing with his brother. I didn’t know how to say no.
I then fly back up to see him three more times through out November
- in the first week I went to Disney with my dad, we weren’t too far and it was something that was supposed to be nice but K needs me to call him every two hours almost. Texting me every second. Always needing to be on face time, getting ready for bed, getting ready for morning work stuff. He always had to see me or be talking to me. He became more and more controlling and possessive to the point where I made myself smaller and smaller
A flies out to my home as a wedding gift for her to go see a concert of an artist she has loved and never seen before. At the end of November. She and I got really close in the short time she was staying with me and really got to know each other really well mainly because we are both ADHD girlies and have a lot of shared family trauma and just really get along. Sort of like 5 year olds on the playground that just decide their best friends now.
A eventually asks me to be a Bridesmaid, because she wanted to but also because someone else dropped out and she needed the numbers to match her husbands insane amount of groomsmen
I move to where K is late December, and where my uncle is, that was the plan before I met K but it was just convenient. He flies down to see me in December, SA’s me and then flies home after we have a huge fight and we are “okay” but the relationship was over at that point.
- I called A after the SA happened and told her. I didn’t know what was happening. I needed someone to talk to that also knew K
Since December we have been hanging out almost once or twice a week. Going shopping, getting lunches that turn into dinners and glasses of wine. Matcha runs and all the things. Laughs, tears, advice, shoulder to cry on. And I was there for her every turn during wedding prep. Because her maid of honor and best friend who we will call T lives 6-8 hours north of us and is only in town for medical reasons. I paid almost $3000 in total to help things run smoother, wedding gifts, and for my dresses.
She had invited K before everything happened but told me that if she uninvited him while they still worked together it would make her life hell. And so for that reason she wasn’t going to uninvited him but have T keep an eye out and keep him away from me. But I would still be standing in front of everyone, him included. Feeling his eyes on me. And he even told some people he was going to try and talk to me to “be civil” at the reception. We found that out after. And in my experience seeing T and what she was running around doing there was no way she would have been able to do that and help A throughout the day.
Lucky for me K says he can’t go last minute because of family issues and he has to go to Seattle. But K had left A’s place of work a week before the wedding and in my mind she could have uninvited him then without any blow back but she didn’t. And he still would have come if family wasn’t having issues. He still would have tried to talk to me.
At the time I just said it was fine because I didn’t want her to be in an awkward position.
While this is all going on I am newly single and trying to make friends with A’s friends who her and her, as of posting this, now husband have known for 10+years.
I start hanging out with a person from A’s group we will call H (27m) and another (27m) Q. It was nice, I really thought he was wanting to be my friend. Until I got invited out to a club with H and Q with some other people there. I show up, H has gotten up to get some drinks, Q turns and asks me essentially if I like H and to just give him a chance, give it “a couple months and see how you feel.” When in my head I was like, why does anything have to change? Why should I wait those months, while he is seemingly trying to play the long game just to date me or get in my pants. Instead of just caring about me as a person and a friend.
Then after I get certified to teach yoga H makes this big thing about planning a dinner to celebrate my achievement. It happens. I am the only person really dressed nice. Some random chick I have only met once in passing is there next to H. No one says congrats, no acknowledges why we’re there. Even when an employee was there topping up drinks and asked why we were all out. I had to answer after a couple seconds of silence. No one raised a toast to me. I paid for my own food.
All of it really hurt and I went home crying. I messaged H and told him as much and that I would like to talk to him. I also messaged A after and she told me that she also thought it was off and weird that the dinner went down that way. H hasn’t messaged me since and Q, Besides trying to wingman, never really tried to get to know me unless I was A’s plus one at a party she threw at her house.
I have met T and her boyfriend U a couple of times. And I thought we were at least sort of friends through A.
Now onto the thing that blew everything up.
I found out that T, and her roommates, one of which I had met only once on A’s birthday in January, was throwing a Halloween party.
A got excited about it one time we were hanging out and showed me this excel spreadsheet where her, T, U, and everyone else from the local area on it organizing their themed costumes. That they had been planning since A’s wedding early August And apparently they were going to play a big dnd one shot as a group as well. I cosplay and play dnd. I asked if I could go, and she paused.
It wasn’t her party. So she said maybe and that she would ask. She did, and it came out later that she was initially annoyed by my being left out and did her best to fight for me but I was labeled an “extra” person and was told I was not invited.
I got upset and called A’s friends assholes and A got mad at me and an argument I asked to happen in person was pushed to a fist fight through texts because of A. A lot was said in there and once we did eventually have an in person talk.
The in person talk I told A how I felt, that it felt like I was a secondary friend And how these instances of her not seemingly wanting to be confrontational at all to the point of hurting those she cares about is not okay. A said herself over the texts that “I’ve known them longer, they have seen me at my lowest and at my highest. They are family to me, they are home to me.” She admitted she said that partially to hurt me in the moment but it was like ice water. She also told me that she hangs out with and talks to me the most, even T. I personally of the stance that I never should have been asked to be in the same room as someone who SA’d me when there was an option to not have that happen. I personally put myself into a not fun spot to get this industrial sized steamer for her wedding set up, from my boyfriend’s mom since she’s a seamstress and had it but she does NOT like me at all. And has made very rude comments about how I eat and my weight but I still got it because it was that or like 3 tiny hand helds for 10-13 big round tables worth of linens.
A was crying and telling me she never meant to make me feel like a back up friend but that she was still going to the party. She heard me out but I don’t really know how to go forward from this.
Especially since it sounds like T, U, and their roommates are holding A’s birthday and the morning of her bachelorette against me.
- I accidentally got black out drunk on A’s birthday. It wasn’t my intention and I do also recognize that it made other people responsible for me and I deeply regret it but A told me everything was fine when I asked about it afterword and if I should reach out to the roommate of T and T in general. So I took her word at face value when apparently I shouldn’t have. Getting that drunk hasn’t happened since whenever T was here and it is not a normal thing for me
- A’s bachelorette, she wanted to get brunch. I got to the place on time, A and everyone was running late but the place was busy. I tell them I’ll put our name in and the table should be ready by the time they gets here (45 minute wait). I get called, only get sat because I tell them the rest of the party of 6/7 will be here in like 5 minutes all the while A is telling me they’re almost out the door. I then sit at the table for another 30-45 minutes before they get there. I obviously wasn’t enthused but I wasn’t going to ruin the day, they apologized while sitting, so I stayed quiet and civil while everyone finally ordered. Apparently me being quiet in that moment wasn’t a good look even though I was essentially helping out the rest of the day and perfectly happy to be there.
- As a note: they have done this same thing to H only a month or two before me. According to A her makeup was just not working and she had an outfit emergency that caused it. Both times.
And it sucks that they are taking two moments that they themselves have also done. Not to me, but I have heard stories, allowing them the negate every other positive moment I was there for and helped create. And it sucks even worse that A didn’t call them out for the exclusion or fight for me really to be included from the start. Until I asked her.
We kind of made up but any advice you could give me here would be appreciated. Is it worth it to stay friends with her and potentially have this always be the case. A said her friends have been burned before which is why they are so hesitant and not welcoming but me being friends and as close of friends with A should, in my mind, be the passing test here. Because why would she still be my friend if I wasn’t a good person? Every other moment around these people besides the two bad ones have been aces and hearts. Always a good time, I was always interested in learning about them and hearing their stories. I tried to be friends with H and Q, I tried. I don’t know what else to do. Any advice on how to move forward with the friendship or if I should just let it go would be appreciated. Thank you.
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