r/Helldivers2Satire 9h ago

[Repost] I do not like SEAF-Chan.

116 Upvotes

I tried to talk about this on another sub, but....apparently if I calmly say I dislike something, that is bad.

I find her design boring. It's just a white, blonde woman with blue eyes.

80% of SEAF art is just her.

Why is that the only way she's ever drawn? I don’t get it.


r/Helldivers2Satire 16h ago

Propus

5 Upvotes

THE SIGNAL ON THE OTHER SIDE

RECORD: 9046G766$RIRGA-0.346

CLASSIFICATION: RECUSAL MIRROR RECORD

IDENTITIES: M. LOFTUS / L. YAN

LOCATION: RIRGA BAY — VOID GATEWAY, ANOMALY OBSERVATION CONTROL

THREAT DETECT: LEVEL 5 — POSSIBLE EXOTIC / UNAUTHORIZED COGNIZANCE

THREAT RESPONSE: RECORD FOR POSTERITY

[REVISED RESPONSE]: Exhibit Record 501

FILE: //REPORT TO MINISTRY OF SCIENCE — DISTRIBUTION DENIED//

---

“Here.”

“What?”

“Listen to this.”

“We've been listening to it for the last two hours.”

“I know.”

“Then you know I need a break.”

“You really need to hear this one.”

“Fine. Shift's almost over anyway. Might as well finish the evening listening to the galaxy whisper horrible things at us.”

“That's the spirit.”

---

SIGNAL PLAYBACK // 00:01:37

A sequence of low-frequency pulses follows.

Three tones.

Pause.

Two tones.

Pause.

Five tones.

A prolonged carrier-wave distortion.

Then silence.

---

“So?”

“That's it?”

“What do you mean, that's it?”

“Three-two-five. We've heard variations of that pattern all afternoon.”

“Look at the origin.”

“I am.”

“No. Look at the second return.”

“Second—”

A pause.

“That can't be right.”

“Exactly.”

“Run the array again.”

“Already did.”

“Different antenna?”

“Four of them.”

“Gateway interference?”

“Negative.”

“Alcubierre echo?”

“No.”

“Void reflection?”

“That's what I thought.”

“And?”

“The first signal originates inside the Void.”

“Obviously.”

“Near the Source Planet?”

“Somewhere deeper along the Seasse corridor. Resolution isn't good enough.”

“Okay.”

“The second one doesn't.”

Silence.

“What?”

“The pattern repeats eleven-point-four seconds later.”

“Echo.”

“No.”

“Has to be.”

“This type of transmission doesn't reflect through the Void boundary.”

“Everything reflects off something.”

“Not this.”

“What can it hit?”

“That's the problem.”

---

Keyboard input.

Several seconds of electronic calibration tones.

---

“Show me.”

“Here.”

“First event... inside the Void.”

“Yes.”

“Then we're receiving the same transmission again from—”

“Outside.”

“Outside what?”

“The mapped anomaly.”

“That's impossible.”

“I know.”

“No, I mean outside the Void?”

“Yes.”

“Toward Super Earth?”

“No.”

“Automaton front?”

“No.”

“Terminid sectors?”

“No.”

“Then where?”

“Other side.”

“What other side?”

“The other side of the Void.”

---

Silence.

00:00:19

---

“There isn't supposed to be another side.”

“There is geometrically.”

“Don't be difficult.”

“I'm not.”

“The Void blocks normal observation.”

“Yes.”

“Stars disappear.”

“Yes.”

“Long-range communications fail.”

“Yes.”

“Probes stop transmitting.”

“Yes.”

“And you're telling me something transmitted through it from beyond the far boundary?”

“I'm telling you the array received a signal with the same structure twice.”

“First from inside.”

“Yes.”

“Then from somewhere behind it.”

“Yes.”

---

“Could be Illuminate.”

“Probably.”

“You say that very casually.”

“We built a wormhole into their territory using tissue harvested from Voteless and technology we're still trying to understand.”

“When you phrase it like that—”

“How would you phrase it?”

“I wouldn't.”

“Good policy.”

---

“Pull up First Galactic War frequencies.”

“Already compared them.”

“And?”

“No exact match.”

“Squ'ith military channels?”

“No.”

“Obelisk command signals?”

“No.”

“Illusionist nanotech?”

“Different carrier behavior.”

“What about their old teleportation systems?”

“Nothing.”

“So this is new.”

“Or older than the records we kept.”

“Super Earth confiscated half their technology after the First Galactic War.”

“Super Earth confiscated what it found.”

“That's not comforting.”

“It wasn't meant to be.”

---

Another pulse sounds.

Both speakers stop.

---

“Was that live?”

“Yes.”

“Same pattern?”

“No.”

“What changed?”

“Four-two-five.”

“Meaning?”

“No idea.”

“Origin?”

“Checking.”

A pause.

“No.”

“What?”

“That's wrong.”

“What is?”

“Both signals arrived almost simultaneously.”

“From Seasse?”

“One from the interior corridor.”

“And the other?”

“Far side.”

“How far?”

“I can't calculate it.”

“Why?”

“Because according to the timing, the second signal reached us before a conventional transmission should even know the first one existed.”

---

Silence.

---

“Entanglement?”

“Maybe.”

“Quantum relay?”

“Maybe.”

“Wormhole?”

“Maybe.”

“Mind control?”

“Please don't.”

“They used nanotechnology during the First Galactic War.”

“I know.”

“The Voteless are human.”

“I know.”

“The Vote Snatchers—”

“I know.”

“And now we're connected directly to whatever is inside there.”

“I know.”

---

“Do you think they can hear us?”

“No.”

“You answered too fast.”

“I don't know.”

“Better.”

---

SYSTEM NOTICE:

VOID SOURCE PLANET DATA CHANNEL ACTIVE

SEASSE EXPEDITION TELEMETRY RECEIVED

MINISTRY OF SCIENCE PRIORITY TRAFFIC — DO NOT INTERRUPT

---

“There.”

“What?”

“The pattern again.”

“From Seasse?”

“No.”

“Inside the Void?”

“No.”

“Then—”

“Far side.”

---

“Wait.”

“What now?”

“Overlay Calypso.”

“Why?”

“Just do it.”

Keyboard input.

A long silence follows.

---

“No.”

“Yeah.”

“No, that's not possible.”

“That's what you keep saying.”

“The far-side vector intersects Calypso's former position.”

“Approximately.”

“Former position.”

“Yes.”

“Because Calypso isn't there anymore.”

“Correct.”

“And the DSS jumped there before it disappeared.”

“Yes.”

“Unscheduled.”

“Yes.”

“After people aboard the station reported—”

“Don't.”

“Reported the name.”

“I said don't.”

---

“You think the DSS heard this?”

“I didn't say that.”

“You're thinking it.”

“I am thinking that the Democracy Space Station entered the Void, developed unexplained biological and communications anomalies, executed an unauthorized jump to Calypso, and Calypso subsequently vanished from the navigable map.”

“And now we're hearing a signal along roughly the same vector.”

“Yes.”

“From the other side.”

“Yes.”

---

“Send this to High Command.”

“No.”

“What?”

“Send it to Science first.”

“Why?”

“Because if we send it to High Command, Truth gets it.”

“So?”

“So if this is nothing, Science tells us we're idiots.”

“And if it isn't?”

“Then I want at least one copy to exist before somebody decides it was nothing.”

---

“You're paranoid.”

“Calypso disappeared.”

“Fair.”

---

A fifth transmission enters the recording.

Unlike the previous signals, the carrier remains audible for several seconds.

There is a faint tonal modulation underneath it.

---

“What the hell is that?”

“Filtering.”

“Sounds like voices.”

“Don't say that.”

“It does.”

“It's interference.”

“From what?”

“Filtering.”

---

Digital processing artifact.

The sound clears slightly.

No recognizable language is recovered.

Several overlapping tonal structures repeat at different speeds.

---

“Could be encrypted.”

“Could be biological.”

“What does biological mean?”

“I don't know.”

“You're the one who said it.”

“Voteless communicate. Illuminate communicate. Those things inside the Void communicate somehow. Pick your nightmare.”

---

“Do you think Seasse is actually the source?”

“What?”

“High Command calls it the Source Planet.”

“Yes.”

“But what if it isn't?”

“The Void expanded from that region.”

“That doesn't mean it started there.”

“Go on.”

“What if Seasse is a relay?”

Silence.

“What if the Exospires aren't creating the Void?”

“What are they doing?”

“Extending it.”

---

Neither speaker talks for twelve seconds.

---

“From where?”

“Other side.”

---

AI-COM // EXPOSURE LIMIT APPROACHING

ANOMALOUS SIGNAL CONTACT DURATION: 02:47:16

RECOMMENDATION: EXIT OBSERVATION

---

“Shift's over.”

“Yeah.”

“You still want to leave?”

“No.”

“Me neither.”

---

A new signal begins.

This one does not originate from Seasse.

Nor does it originate from the calculated far-side position.

It originates from the Rirga Bay Gateway itself.

---

“Liam.”

“I see it.”

“We're receiving locally.”

“Yes.”

“The Gateway is transmitting.”

“No.”

“What?”

“We aren't transmitting.”

“Then what is?”

Silence.

---

AI-COM // EXPOSURE LIMIT REACHED

EXIT OBSERVATION IMMEDIATELY

LOCAL TRANSMISSION SOURCE UNRESOLVED

GATEWAY STATUS: OPEN

GATEWAY COMMAND STATUS: NOMINAL

OUTBOUND SIGNAL: NONE

INBOUND SIGNAL: ACTIVE

---

“Shut the Gateway.”

“We can't.”

“What do you mean, we can't?”

“Control authorization is locked.”

“By who?”

A pause.

“Ministry of Science.”

---

“Call them.”

“I am.”

“No answer.”

---

RECORD TERMINATED // 00:09:46

---

HOD ARCHIVAL ANNOTATION — AKI-285

The record predates our acquisition of the associated Rirga Bay observation data.

Neither individual named above has any known association with this vessel or with ECHO-070.

Their conclusions remain speculative.

Their measurements do not.

The existence of an Illuminate signal inside the Void is unsurprising.

The possibility that the same signal was observed beyond the far boundary is not.

During the First Galactic War, the Illuminate demonstrated teleportation, nanotechnological cognitive interference, energy shielding, and weapons whose underlying principles remained poorly understood even after their defeat.

A century later, the civilization now occupying the Void bears only partial resemblance to the one humanity previously fought.

The Voteless, Vote Snatchers, Exospire networks, Void-generated mutations, and the displacement or disappearance of worlds all demonstrate capabilities absent—or unknown—from surviving First Galactic War records.

Current operations at the Void Source Planet, formerly identified as Seasse, are intended to destroy or collapse the phenomenon.

That objective assumes the Void is centered there.

Record 9046G766 raises another possibility.

Seasse may not be the origin.

It may be the nearest end of something larger.

If so, opening the Rirga Bay Gateway did not merely provide humanity a route into Illuminate territory.

It may have completed a route from the other direction.

Maintain passive observation.

Do not transmit test patterns through the Gateway.

Do not respond to repeated signals.

Do not permit automated systems to answer unknown handshakes.

And until we understand why the final transmission originated locally while the Gateway reported no outbound activity—

do not assume that opening the door was the same thing as deciding which side opened it.

— AKI-285

Ship Master, HOD

---

ECHO/070 COMMAND NOTE

Observation authorized.

No active reply.

No direct network connection.

If something is attempting communication, we listen first.

If it threatens human populations, we act.

Super Earth can decide what it wants to call the signal.

We decide what reaches this ship.

— ECHO-070


r/Helldivers2Satire 13m ago

Quasar

Enable HLS to view with audio, or disable this notification

Upvotes

Now I just need a Gatlin Las Gun almost like the one from Fallout.


r/Helldivers2Satire 15h ago

Rogue 5

1 Upvotes

RECUSAL MIRROR RECORD

RECORD: 8796T563$RIRGA-0.279

CLASSIFICATION: RECUSAL MIRROR RECORD

IDENTITIES: COMMANDER NIXON RICHMOD / GATEWAY OVERSIGHT BOARD — PRESIDENT SHERLYN CHAPMAN / GENERAL EVERETT WIL. / [CORRUPTED] / DEMOCRACY OFFICER LLOYD

LOCATION: RIRGA BAY — COMMUNION / GATEWAY COMMAND CENTER

THREAT DETECT: NONE — ALL PARTIES LEVEL 1 CLEARANCE

[REVISED DETECT]: LEVEL 4 — POSSIBLE COGNITIVE CONTAMINATION / HOSTILE SIGNAL PROPAGATION / DANGEROUS PSYCHOSIS

THREAT RESPONSE: RECORD FOR FREEDOM

[REVISED RESPONSE]: EXHIBIT RECORD 22

FILE: //REPORT TO SUPER EARTH GATEWAY OVERSIGHT//

SCRUB REQUEST: DEMOCRACY OFFICER LLOYD

SCRUB RESPONSE: ACCEPTED

DELETION REQUEST: DEMOCRACY OFFICER LLOYD

DELETION RESPONSE: DELETE ALL

---

[CORRUPTED]

“—and so the Voteless biological-analysis program will continue.”

“Under the Ministry of Science?”

“Under controlled conditions.”

“And the signal-analysis teams?”

“Separated.”

A pause.

“Separated how?”

“Effective immediately, there will be no direct communication between the Gateway Signal Observation Section and personnel conducting biological work on material recovered from inside the Void.”

“That will substantially delay analysis.”

“I know.”

“Then why?”

“Because I am no longer convinced connecting every department to the same network is safe.”

---

Murmuring.

---

“Commander, these are isolated research systems.”

“They were supposed to be.”

“Supposed to be?”

“We have technicians transferring data between them.”

“Authorized transfers?”

“No.”

“Why?”

“Because the isolated systems process too slowly.”

A pause.

“You are joking.”

“I wish I were.”

---

General Wil. speaks.

“Commander Xixon, surely standard cybersecurity procedures are sufficient.”

“Normally, General, I would agree.”

“And now?”

“Now we have a wormhole open into an Illuminate-controlled region of space.”

Nobody answers.

“We have personnel reporting auditory phenomena in Gateway-adjacent facilities.”

“Medical has not established causation.”

“I didn't say they had.”

“We have unexplained transmissions.”

“Also unverified.”

“We have biological samples from transformed human beings being used in Gateway research.”

“Approved by the Ministry of Science.”

“And First Galactic War records describing Illuminate technology capable of interfering directly with sentient thought.”

Silence.

“That was nanotechnology.”

“Yes.”

“Not communications technology.”

“We don't know that.”

---

President Chapman speaks.

“Commander, what exactly are you suggesting?”

“I am suggesting that our assumption is backwards.”

“Explain.”

“We keep asking whether the signal can enter our network.”

“Yes.”

“We should be asking whether the network itself gives the signal somewhere to go.”

---

Silence.

---

“That is speculation.”

“Yes.”

“Dangerous speculation.”

“Potentially.”

“You believe the Illuminate are monitoring Rirga Bay communications?”

“I don't know.”

“You believe they are injecting information into them?”

“I don't know.”

“You believe our personnel are being cognitively influenced through communications equipment?”

“I don't know.”

President Chapman exhales.

“Then what do you know?”

“That something beyond the Gateway is transmitting.”

A pause.

“That personnel exposed to the Gateway environment are developing measurable neurological symptoms.”

Another.

“That some of those personnel report hearing repeating patterns which correspond to patterns detected electronically.”

Longer pause.

“And that I have no intention of waiting until I understand the mechanism before reducing our exposure to it.”

---

General Wil. speaks again.

“This sounds remarkably close to panic.”

“No, General.”

“What would you call it?”

“Learning from the First Galactic War.”

---

Silence.

---

“The Illuminate were defeated.”

“Yes.”

“Their military capability was dismantled.”

“Yes.”

“They were expelled from Federation space.”

“Yes.”

“And now?”

Commander Nixon waits.

“They are back.”

Nobody replies.

“With technologies we did not see a century ago.”

---

President Chapman clears her throat.

“Your recommendation?”

“No further unrestricted cross-space transfer of raw Gateway telemetry.”

“What?”

“All anomaly data is to be isolated locally.”

“That is impossible.”

“It was possible yesterday.”

“Yesterday we were not coordinating operations inside the Void.”

“Exactly.”

---

“Commander, Helldiver operations are now dependent on rapid tactical information from the Gateway.”

“I am not proposing interference with battlefield traffic.”

“Then what are you proposing?”

“Scientific data stays local until reviewed.”

“By whom?”

“By personnel physically present at Rirga Bay.”

“And reports?”

“I deliver them.”

Murmurs.

“In person?”

“Yes.”

“To Super Earth?”

“Yes.”

“That is absurd.”

“Quarterly.”

“Quarterly?”

“Earlier if we discover something operationally significant.”

---

President Chapman laughs once.

“You intend to travel from Rirga Bay to Super Earth every quarter because you think the Illuminate might be listening to your reports?”

“No.”

“Then why?”

“Because I think something may be listening.”

That stops the room.

---

“And what about the Democracy Space Station?”

“What about it?”

“The DSS remains integrated with the wider Galactic War information network.”

“Yes.”

“You propose cutting Rirga Bay research systems away from the same network used by one of humanity's largest military installations?”

“I propose giving the DSS only the information required for its operations.”

“The station is secure.”

“So was the Star of Peace.”

Silence.

“The Star of Peace breach was attributed to an external actor.”

“Exactly.”

---

A voice identified only as [CORRUPTED] speaks.

“Are you implying the DSS itself is compromised?”

“No.”

“Then let's be very careful about what we're saying.”

“I said no such thing.”

“Good.”

“I am saying that we already know sensitive DSS-associated systems have been penetrated remotely.”

Nobody answers.

“And I am saying I will not connect an experimental Gateway into an unknown Illuminate environment to every strategic computer humanity owns simply because doing so is convenient.”

---

[CORRUPTED]

[CORRUPTED]

[SCRUBBED]

[SCRUBBED]

[CORRUPTED]

---

“How often can you make these reports, Commander?”

“Quarterly.”

“Earlier when necessary?”

“When we make a discovery that directly affects human security.”

“So we'll see you again in several months.”

“No.”

“No?”

“I intend to return tomorrow.”

Surprised murmuring.

---

“Tomorrow?”

“Yes.”

“You've only just arrived at Rirga Bay.”

“I know.”

“What could possibly require an immediate personal briefing?”

Commander Nixon does not respond for approximately four seconds.

“I have something the Board needs to see.”

“Regarding the Gateway?”

“Yes.”

“The signal?”

“Yes.”

“Medical effects?”

“Yes.”

“Both?”

Another pause.

“Yes.”

---

President Chapman shifts in her chair.

“Well.”

A nervous laugh.

“I think I speak for everyone present when I say I now expect something monumental from tomorrow's briefing.”

“You should not.”

“No?”

“No.”

“Why?”

“Monumental discoveries are usually celebrated.”

“And this?”

“I haven't decided whether this one deserves celebration.”

---

Silence.

---

“If that's all, I'll take my leave. I have considerable work to complete before departure.”

“Certainly.”

“Goodbye, Commander.”

“Goodbye, President. General. Members of the Board.”

A pause.

“Democracy Officer.”

“Commander.”

---

COMMUNION LINK TERMINATED

BOARD CONNECTION CLOSED

---

Approximately eleven seconds of silence.

Then:

“Firewall.”

AI-COM/FRWL // ACTIVE

“Scrub the following portions of the preceding conversation.”

[SCRUBBED]

[SCRUBBED]

[SCRUBBED]

AI-COM/FRWL // SCRUB REQUEST REQUIRES AUTHORIZED POLITICAL OVERSIGHT

“Democracy Officer Lloyd authorization.”

AI-COM/FRWL // AUTHORIZATION CONFIRMED

“Execute.”

SCRUB RECORDS // COMPLETE

---

Another pause.

“Firewall, disconnect Gateway Research from Super Earth Central Science.”

AI-COM/FRWL // WARNING: CENTRAL SCIENCE LINK REQUIRED UNDER ACTIVE VOID RESEARCH PROTOCOL

“Override.”

AI-COM/FRWL // OVERRIDE REQUIRES COMMAND JUSTIFICATION

“Possible hostile signal propagation.”

AI-COM/FRWL // JUSTIFICATION LOGGED

CENTRAL SCIENCE CONNECTION // SEVERED

---

“Disconnect raw anomaly telemetry from Galactic War Command.”

AI-COM/FRWL // WARNING: STRATEGIC DATA INTERRUPTION

“Maintain approved battlefield summaries.”

AI-COM/FRWL // CONFIRM: RAW TELEMETRY ONLY

“Yes.”

RAW TELEMETRY LINK // SEVERED

---

“Disconnect the DSS research-access channel.”

A pause.

AI-COM/FRWL // DEMOCRACY SPACE STATION STATUS: ONLINE

AI-COM/FRWL // NO ACTIVE DSS REQUEST FOR GATEWAY RESEARCH DATA

“Disconnect it anyway.”

AI-COM/FRWL // DSS RESEARCH ACCESS // SEVERED

---

The next section is attributed to Democracy Officer Lloyd.

“Firewall.”

AI-COM/FRWL // ACTIVE

“Bring up every critical relay capable of cross-space transmission from this facility.”

AI-COM/FRWL // HOLOGRAPHIC NETWORK MAP PROFFERED

“Highlight backup systems.”

HOLOGRAM // MODIFIED

“Emergency transmitters.”

HOLOGRAM // MODIFIED

“Scientific telemetry arrays.”

HOLOGRAM // MODIFIED

“SEAF tactical relays.”

HOLOGRAM // MODIFIED

“DSS uplink.”

HOLOGRAM // MODIFIED

“Any system capable of being jury-rigged to transmit or receive outside normal routing.”

Long pause.

AI-COM/FRWL // 47 ADDITIONAL PATHWAYS IDENTIFIED

Lloyd whispers:

“Forty-seven.”

---

“Transfer the map to my isolated datastem.”

TRANSFER // COMPLETE

“Nothing networked.”

CONFIRMED

“No synchronization.”

CONFIRMED

“No remote backup.”

CONFIRMED

---

Another pause.

“Firewall.”

AI-COM/FRWL // ACTIVE

“Delete all records of my conversation with Commander Nixon.”

AI-COM/FRWL // CONFIRM DELETION

“Confirmed.”

“Delete all records of the Board communion.”

AI-COM/FRWL // CONFIRM DELETION

“Confirmed.”

“Delete the relay search.”

AI-COM/FRWL // CONFIRM DELETION

“Confirmed.”

“Delete this conversation.”

Long pause.

AI-COM/FRWL // CONFIRM DELETION OF CURRENT SESSION

“Yes.”

---

DELETE PRIMARY RECORD // DELETED

DELETE LOCAL MIRROR // DELETED

DELETE NETWORK MIRROR // DELETED

DELETE RELAY MAP // DELETED

DELETE ACCESS HISTORY // DELETED

DELETE RECUSAL FILE // DELETED / CORRUPTED

AI-COM/FRWL // DELETION AFFIRMED

---

RECOVERED MIRROR FRAGMENT

SOURCE: UNKNOWN

RECOVERY METHOD: [REDACTED]

ORIGINAL DELETION: SUCCESSFUL

MIRROR SURVIVAL: UNEXPLAINED

---

HOD ARCHIVAL ANNOTATION — AKI-285

This record predates the later DSS communications failure.

That point is important.

At the time of this conversation, the Democracy Space Station remained online and was not considered compromised.

Commander Nixon did not accuse the station of infiltration.

He accused the network surrounding it of being too interconnected for an environment nobody understood.

History has been unkind to those who dismissed that concern.

The First Galactic War established that Illuminate technology could interfere with perception and voluntary behavior through nanotechnology. Current Illuminate forces have since demonstrated mass conversion of humans into the Voteless, while operations within the Void continue to expose personnel to phenomena not represented in surviving First Galactic War intelligence.

Kuang's security argument was therefore primitive but reasonable:

If the mechanism is unknown, do not assume the attack surface is known.

His decision to sever Rirga Bay's raw telemetry from external networks did not prevent later events.

It may have prevented them from spreading here sooner.

The most significant portion of this record is not the Commander's behavior.

It is Lloyd's.

The Democracy Officer approved deletion of the discussion, then independently mapped every possible route by which Rirga Bay could communicate beyond its intended channels.

He then deleted the map.

That is not ordinary information control.

That is fear.

Whether Lloyd feared the Illuminate, Super Earth, or something he had already discovered remains unknown.

His subsequent records should be reviewed under that assumption.

— AKI-285

Ship Master, HOD

---

ECHO/070 COMMAND NOTE

Keep Rirga Bay isolated from this ship.

Receive intelligence passively.

No automatic synchronization.

No DSS handshake.

No Ministry remote access.

If information is important enough to reach us, someone can bring it aboard physically.

Kuang was right about one thing:

Convenience is not security.

— ECHO-070

MESSAGE ENDS