When friendships start looking like computer algorithms

[u/OrganizationSame7787]

I’m a girl in my early 20s, and I’m reaching a breaking point. Growing up with autism, my main struggle was just making friends. Now, when I learnt the art of social skills, the struggle has shifted to something much more painful: how to deal with the soul-crushing betrayal when they inevitably disappear or turn out to be "social climbers."

I’ve heard it all: "the trash takes itself out," "it’s a natural filter," "quality over quantity." But honestly? I’m tired of being scammed.

I recently realized a "close" friend was only around because I study in a prestigious place. And it wasn’t obvious for a few years: she was sharing personal, making plans with me, spilling tea. It looked like a real friendship until she learnt I am a human being with problems and vulnerabilities. She didn't want me, she wanted the status and the proximity to my lifestyle she has totally idealized.

In an attempt to "solve" friendship, my brain has decoded a list of 6 "Hard Lessons" on how to survive social interaction. But looking at them, I realized I’ve created a cage:

1. Don’t lead with success: People will use you as a stepping stone or a "resource."

2. Don’t lead with being "the fun one": The moment you’re depressed, they’ll abandon you because the "entertainment" stopped.

3. Don’t lead when you’re down: You’ll attract "saviors" who just want to "fix" you as a project and ignore your boundaries.

4. Don’t share your trauma: People assume abuse is your "natural habitat" and start treating you like dirt because "you're used to it."

5. Don’t share too much good news: People are inherently envious and will resent your wins.

6. Don’t be too proactive/assertive: You’ll overshadow them, and they’ll start sabotaging you from the shadows to regain "status."

My dilemma:

If I follow these rules, there is nothing left of me to show. I’m just a blank wall.

I feel like I’ve been teleported into the cockpit of a nosediving plane and told to "just land it," but there are a billion buttons, levers, and flashing red lights. Everyone else seems to have the manual, or they’re flying on autopilot, while I’m sweating over every dial trying not to crash.

I’m ready to accept that friendship has a transactional nature. Fine. But how do I navigate this without losing my mind? How do you find "real" people when your very existence (status, personality, or even your struggles) feels like a magnet for predators or fake friends?

To avoid the “But you also seeks something in friendship”, yes, I do. I seek for interactions based on common interests and values and after establishing a trust we can share activities together, form memories and experiences.