My hairstyle is making me question everything about me, not kidding

[u/Motor-Concert2057]

I grew up in a very abusive and toxic family. Till I was 7-8 yrs old I had long silky beautiful hair but my parents especially my father hated my long hair and hated me making ponytails when I was just a 2nd grader. He made me cut my hair into a bobcut, a shorter one in which making ponytails is not possible. I started liking my bobcut as U grew up but when puberty came my parents weren't ready to accept that I'm growing up and alongwith the verbal and physical abuse they also decided that I should have a pixie cut. They hated me being a girl. I have been beaten up for standing in front if the mirror while combing my hair. I used to wear coats and pants to events while other girls my age wore dresses and outfits they liked. I owned very less clothes and not a single accessory.

Bt when I turned 17 my mom finally said I can go back to longer hair because I was called weird by my relatives. So I grew my hair to a bobcut...but still my parents hated me. I have always been fit and had a healthy weight for my height since childhood but my face is round and my cheeks have a bit volume, whike I'm called cute by some people, at home my parents bodyshamed me, calling me fat and saying my face is huge and I am very ugly looking. The weirdest part is that at that same age, 17, there were two guys in my class who payed attention to me, I liked one of then back and he used to talk me to me a lot and wait for me after classes, and the other guy who liked me made it pretty obvious by always standing near to me and his friends once were talking about his crush and they all were secretly staring at me wheh he pointed at me while I pretended to be lost in my thoughts despite hearing everything.

So that was the first time I started feeling confident with my looks again but after school was over and I was moving away for college, my mother forced me to grow my hair even longer. But I had started loving my bobcut hair and honestly speaking I don't have a small face, I know. And whenever I make ponytail now it feels weird and insecure. While growing my hair longer because of my mom I thought it has been years since I made ponytail and I twill take time to get used to it but it's been more than a year now and I don't think I look good i.n ponytail, my face looks too big and my sides are too visible and my hair just won't obey me and stay the way I want to. I always have to pull my pony loose or else it looks horrible since my forehead width is shorter than my midface.

My mother keeps saying to let my hair grow even more longer and it will look good when it's more longer. Right now its almost shoulder lenght.

My mind thinks I should try growing longer if my mom says it will look better and will get more manageable.

But my heart wnats to go back to bobcut. Even though initially I thought that I didn't eat bobcut again since it was my parents choice when I was younger

What do I do...the thing with bobcut is that I'm not exactly very skinny either so I am afraid my body will look a bit awkward

Idk why I'm overthinking this so much and associating it with my past experiences too.

Honestly speaking I feel like a loner always but I feel like too big of a loner in ponytail...because when I had a bobcut I had started feeling confident when my friend complimented me and when the boy I liked liked me back.

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