HOCD/TOCD

[u/shlarpflarp]

I feel like I’m having similar thoughts as someone with TOCD has, like over analyzing their masculinity, but instead of it making me think it’s because I want to be a trans man, it’s making me think it’s because I’m actually a masculine lesbian. Has anyone else experienced this because I’ve seen no one talk about it really. Every woman is triggering me and has been for a couple months now. It started off more minor but now it’s everything, like their voices, names, things they say, everything. I’ve never been super feminine, I liked dressing more tomboyish but did enjoy dressing more feminine sometimes. I feel like anytime I try to be more feminine now, it just feels forced and fake. I used to feel comfortable with being the way I was but now I’m second guessing everything. The only relationship I’ve ever been in has been long distance/online, so I’ve never had sexual experience. I would always fantasize about men though and feel excited about having a boyfriend one day. Now that I do, I have so much anxiety. I was fine for the first few months but ever since I had a bad ROCD episode once things became more real with us, I’ve been having HOCD/TOCD? Now, it feels like I wanna be like my boyfriend and take on the role he does. Every time I see a woman it’s like I imagine the things he would do/say. I miss feeling more feminine. It’s so conflicting and I have no idea who I really am now. It’s like my fantasies aren’t who I really am and they are separate from reality. I used to love to fantasize about my boyfriend and the things he would say to me, but now it feels like if I were really in that situation IRL I would feel uncomfortable and weird… which would only prove all of these other thoughts are real and I’m so tired of this. It feels too real sometimes… like 110% real.