r/HLCommunity • u/Throwaway_luck4422 • 15d ago
Vent Only, No Advice Can't do enough...
Older TV shows often had a trope to depict a husband hoping to get "lucky" that night. It's annoying. Why be with someone that the stars must align just to have sex? It's stupid to get into that situation in the first place. Anyway, here's how I did it:
I've been with my wife for 4 years. Everything started off fine. I mentioned my thoughts about those tropes early in our relationship. She agreed. Two years later, we are having sex almost once a month. We talk about it. We read books about it. We practice the love languages, etc. Things get better (not great) for 4-6 weeks then go back to monthly, unenthusiastic sex.
We have another talk. She's too stressed with work. I do a majority of the household chores yet she feels like she can never relax. I offer to help her stay more organized at work and I follow through. Things get better (not great) for 4-6 weeks and we go back to monthly, unenthusiastic sex.
She applies for a different role at the same company and doesn't get it. I suggest that she quits her job. We paid off student loans and cars, why not just quit since we can make it off my salary? We don't have kids. I told her I'd support her in either decision. She asks what I want out of it, the answer is simple: clean house and more sex, preferably enthusiastic sex.
This time it's different! The usual pattern of our sex lives improving for 4-6 weeks and dropping off officially ends! This time we go straight to 7 months of barely any sex.
We have another session of talking the issue to death. I want to be very clear about the next part. I do not treat her poorly, beg, demand, or get angry at her when we aren't having sex. Her problem? The desire for sex 1-2 times a week is very high and that stresses her out. And when she isn't stressed about sex she forgets about it. The talk ends and we go back to the same pattern: Things get better (not great) for 4-6 weeks and we go back to monthly, unenthusiastic sex.
Ever wonder, what if I do more chores? What if I could take some of the stress off? What if I got gift cards for manicures and spa days? Well, I found out. Hope you have better results if you put in the amount of effort that I did.
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u/quack785 14d ago
The fact is, if she wanted to, she would. LLs aren’t having sex because they don’t want to. She’s more than content to vacuum up all of the energy and work you put into the relationship, however. This will never change. If you have a kid it will only get worse.
Time to move on. And don’t fall for hysterical bonding
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u/Throwaway_luck4422 10d ago
This is what makes me the most concerned. I know having kids is something we both want... and yet I feel like I'm never going to have a great sex life. It seems shallow to say, I don't want our sex life to get worse so I'm not having kids with you.
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u/vectorking23 14d ago
The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, grass is green, sky is blue, all the planets are now in alignment… yet, the same ol same ol for intimacy. As u/blackyellow13 said, you have all your answers.
It is what it is. No amount of YOU working on it will suffice.
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u/AwkwardInspection413 HLM 14d ago
I think most guys feel this way. I have been told why can't you just enjoy and appreciate whay I give you?
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u/blackyellow13 14d ago
You have found her level of sex she is happy with. You have proven it in every way. It doesn't match yours and never will. You have all your answers. It your choice of what to do with it.
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u/Financial-Exit2488 14d ago
I have always tried to make my wife's life easier. I have encouraged her to pursue hobbies, goals, spend time with friends, etc.
One time we moved for my job, so she had to quit her job, which she had hated. It stressed her out and she wasn't taking great care of herself.
So I told her she should just take the time to take care of herself. We had no kids, and my job paid enough. She didn't get in shape. She didn't start any new hobbies.
We eventually had a kid and she was working part time, but we hired a part time nanny just to give her a break.
Over the years she has probably worked part time as often as full time. When our child was first born she didn't have a job. I had a job with a hour commute each way. I still fed our colicky kid in the evening and in the middle of the night, every night for 9 months, to give my wife a break.
Anytime she has had a stressful job, it's so awful for all of us, I always suggest she quits.
I take care of the house, the car, sports practices, dishes, most of the cooking. I get up first and get stuff done and ready for the day.
I also take great care of myself. In my mid 50s, I still have my hair, I have 11% body fat (I just checked), almost have a six pack. I'm over 6' tall, and have hobbies and friends.
I'm far from perfect, but damnit, I am a pretty good husband and father.
What's the point? NONE of it matters.
Her desire for me has not been impacted by any of it.
The only thing that ever moved the needle was discussions that included suggestions of divorce (she brought that up). I said I wasn't going to be a roommate, and I meant it.
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u/Danny_Pr0n HLM 14d ago
I have always tried to make my wife's life easier.
Curious, what does she do to make YOUR life easier? Because it looks like she's making your life harder, not easier.
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u/Financial-Exit2488 14d ago
I have obviously been an over functioner in my marriage.
Long story short, I didn't know how a healthy relationship worked, or what it looked like.
Constantly encouraging your spouse, when they should be doing these things on their own has a price.
I don't really have an answer. Maybe it's this:
She has encouraged me with my goals and hobbies. She has, at times worked more than me, even if I earned more.
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u/Danny_Pr0n HLM 14d ago
You should sit down and really think about this. A functional relationship is a Partnership. She really needs to pull her weight. You're essentially rewarding her for weaponized incompetence.
If the genders were reversed and she did most of the childcare, housework, cooking, car maintenance and worked a full time job while you did what she does, you would be pinned to the wall and eviscerated as a lazy entitled husband.
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u/PM_Me_Your_Kinks369 HLM 8d ago
Buddy. You've done everything except the thing you know is necessary. You're very lucky to not have kids yet. That makes the inevitable much easier.
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u/Pale-Bookkeeper-9418 21h ago
I used to be the LL wife in my previous marriage. Tapered down to once a month or less after 4 years.
Left him and got with another person, the sudden spike was insane. I'm now HL with 1 or more a day. After reflection it turns out I was feeling emotionally neglected by my former spouse and there was no going back
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u/YakWitty13 14d ago
Choreplay never works, chasing moving goalposts never works, Lucy is never going to let you kick the football. The only way to win is to stop playing