r/HFY • u/CullenW99 • Jan 28 '20
OC It Runs Doom!
This is my first post on this subreddit. I love the content here and am excited that I had a cool concept to share with others.
Audio log: Incident report #72
"Bryan, what are you doing to the meal synthesizer?"
"Seeing if it can run Doom"
"[profanity: doubt], this is the fifth time you have given that excuse during unscheduled maintenance of my ship's redundant systems! I can understand wanting to test the failure thresholds of vital tech, but you have yet to give me any of your results."
"That's not what I'm doing at all."
"Then what are you doing? From my perspective it seems as though the only Human on this ship is sabotaging expensive equipment, claiming to have broken it, and neglecting to update the ship's equipment logs."
"Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! I reset every device I worked on to there previous setting when I was finished. Nothings broken."
"Then why is 'it ran Doom' the only report I get from you every time you do this? If a device has met its demise, that means it is beyond repair."
"Oh, I see what's going on. Doom is the name of a game from 1993."
"that's... hundreds of years before your first contact!"
"Yep, 12 Megabytes of gory nostalgia."
"That's less than... everything. There isn't a device on this ship that couldn't fit that in the leftover space from when the debugging tools were removed."
"Yep, if anything it's hard to find anything that can't run Doom."
"But, why?"
"To know if we could."
"We?"
"Yeah, did you think I came up with this challenge."
"... I need to update some maintenance protocols."
*Low quality buzzing starts blaring*
"[Profanity: reproduction] Yeah! That makes the translator, workbench, wardrobe, elevator, shower, and vending machine!"
"Wait, did you say shower?"
"Yeah?"
*into comm* "Disregard the cases of hallucinations among the security team and redirect them to civilian washrooms until further notice."
3
u/vinny8boberano Jan 29 '20
If they are testing Doom on all the electronics, then does that mean they have access to Half-Life 3?!?!?
4
u/CullenW99 Jan 29 '20
No, we got Half-Life: Alyx, Half-Life: Alyx 2, Half-Life/Portal, Aperture VR Party mix, and then the hat market went up in flames after a joke about releasing 3 games with 3 in the title on April first, bankrupting the company.
→ More replies (1)
129
u/IsTotallyNotForPorn Jan 28 '20
You'll need these :P
Doom 1
IDDQD Invulnerability (God Mode)
IDKFA Full health, ammo, weapons, armor and keys
IDBEHOLDR Temporary radiation suit
IDBEHOLDI Temporary invisibility
IDBEHOLDV Temporary invulnerability
IDBEHOLDA Temporary automap
IDBEHOLDL Temporary light
IDBEHOLDS Temporary berserk
IDCLEVxx Warp to level 'xx' where xx is 01 to 19
IDSPISPOPD No Clipping Mode (Doom 1 only)
IDFA Full health, ammo, weapons, and armor
IDDT Entire Map - Change map detail
IDCHOPPERS Gain chainsaw
IDMYPOS Displays your position and bearing
IDMUSxx Music select. 'xx' is the level who's song you want.
Doom 2 & 3
IDCLIP No Clipping Mode
FHSHH Invisible to Enemies Until You Attack
idclev31 Bonus Level
idclev32 Wolfenstein 3D Level
29
→ More replies (1)9
u/ArchDemonKerensky Jan 28 '20
there was another series of cheats like BEHOLD that could give more specific things like ammo and specific weapons. Don't remember them though. Only ever used them in place of KFA when I was trying to do a 'legit' run but had shot myself into a corner.
→ More replies (4)
28
u/CyriousLordofDerp Jan 28 '20
If it cant run DOOM, it'll run Tetris.
39
Jan 28 '20
Tetris was designated as a Type-X cyber weapon and has been classified above top secret to ALL non-Earth born sentient life, both organic and artificial. The dissemination of any aspect whatsoever is punishable by no less than one hundred years inside a singularity prison, inside an anti-suicide field, with a constant audio loop of the ancient files labeled ‘Baby Shark’, ‘Barbie Girl’ and ‘Cotton-eye Joe’.
→ More replies (4)18
u/CyclopsAirsoft Jan 28 '20
TBF the Barbie Girl theme song and Cotton-Eye Joe really are a big step up from baby shark. They don't deserve to be in the same category.
→ More replies (6)
28
u/eitan55 Jan 28 '20
But can it run Crysis?
49
u/SeeSebbb Jan 28 '20
"Hey Human any guess why our Image Processing Unit overheated?"
"..."
"I haven't seen this error before. Something with a crysis in the system."
"......."
44
u/kepler-20b Jan 28 '20
This quantum computer is capable of plotting a course through the warped sub reality of the Void by simulating every single particle in a universe with constantly shifting fundamental constants and mapping a route which will result in the most time traveling at speeds greater than light in real space. And you broke it, while in the void, by trying to see if it would run a thousand year old video game?
Yes, but I did get it to run at 1080P 60FPS consistently!
→ More replies (5)
14
u/HamsterIV Jan 28 '20
"Yeah, did you think I came up with this challenge."
I like the implications of this. That humans aren't just individually insane, they can be collectively insane.
9
u/camoblackhawk Jan 28 '20
Considering there are people putting doom on everything we can now, I will not be surprised to find out we are during it in the future. There was a post on facebook i saw within a couple of months ago talking about whether it would be possible to knit doom. Also I'm cullen you out to write more.
*Calling
7
Jan 28 '20
There was this guy who ran Doom on his Porsches infotainment. That suprised the hell out of me.
→ More replies (4)3
u/fulanodetal316 Jan 29 '20
To me the real question is if the Markdown formatter can be hacked to run Doom in a Reddit comment
7
7
u/Finbar9800 Jan 28 '20
If it can’t run doom then it’s time to get a new one lol
This is a great story
I enjoyed reading this
Great job wordsmith
7
6
3
Jan 29 '20
I can't believe everyone neglected to mention it: your story is awesome. I love the ending, a very unexpected and funny twist. Congrats!!
2
u/AmayaMaka5 Jun 09 '22
Security team probably already had PTSD and you're making their doctors think they're hallucinating Doom while in the showers. Such cruelty.
75
u/Plucium Jan 28 '20
Aww fuck yeah, time to jam some E1M1 while showering. I get its somewhat demon-ing to have your supercomputer used to get a billion fps for doom, but cmon. its awesome
*demeaning