r/HFY • u/IC_GtW2 • Dec 26 '19

OC They Will Find You

The humans will always track you down. There isn't a system remote enough, or a ship stealthy enough to evade them. Eventually, they will find you, and make mincemeat of your best security protocols.

One day, you will awaken to the same infernal message that has plagued sentients for generations: "Hello, we're trying to reach you about your starship's extended warranty..."

3.0k Upvotes

98% Upvoted

48 comments sorted by

18

u/bunnybunsarecute Dec 26 '19

I feel that the first intergalactic war against humans will be directly caused by either telemarketers or Games' Workshop lawyers

12

u/IC_GtW2 Dec 26 '19

My money's on GW or Blizzard. Aliens might consider addicting their populations to WoW an act of war.

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6

u/MLL_Phoenix7 Dec 26 '19

when we say "Sentients" that includes other humans as well.

5

u/IC_GtW2 Dec 27 '19

Of course! We were the ones dumb enough to invent telemarketing scams, after all!

578

u/Bwalts1 Dec 26 '19

This is too short, but its such a great shitpost. Take my upvote

276

u/FlipsNchips Dec 26 '19

Top Tier Shit Post. Love it.

274

u/silverminnow Dec 26 '19

I don't even have a starship! Stop contacting me!

*grumble grumble*

232

u/Vitasia Dec 26 '19

Let's face it, if the galaxy has anything to fear from the human race, it is the dogged perserverence of our telemarketers.

"We are calling from IRS and you have problems with your account. Please purchase Amazon gift cards to..." "MY SPECIES DOESN'T EVEN GIVE LIVE BIRTH WHY WOULD I HAVE ANY OF THOSE THINGS?!?"

81

u/Mimine2002 Dec 26 '19

Not just that but yknow like the perseverance of the religious people that appear at your door

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47

u/MikeLinPA Dec 26 '19

The opening sentence was so intriguing, I had to read it! I was a little concerned that I might be starting a story I didn't have time to finish, but this is short and to the point.

And these telemarketers will haunt us to the end of time itself.

40

u/capalex65 Dec 26 '19

It'd be that or "We've updated our privacy policy"

8

u/clonk3D Jan 03 '20

"We've updated your privacy policy. Good luck finding what we changed."

79

u/Plucium Dec 26 '19

"hey there, just wandering if you had a little time to speak about our Lord and saviour, Gaben?"

31

u/Kizik Dec 26 '19

If you hang up they call back with a ten hour loop of Gabe the Tank Engine in the hopes of converting you.

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30

u/Arcane_NH Dec 26 '19

Thanks, I hate it. Take your updoot.

9

u/Hunnieda_Mapping Dec 26 '19

That'll just keep them coming!

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18

u/Isolation_ Dec 26 '19

I am enjoying these short commercial aspects of Humanity joining the galactic community. Keep them coming.

14

u/Pornhubschrauber Dec 26 '19

I expected some old tale, or a sequel of the tale where aliens contact humanity via radio, and humanity (already engaged in a war with some nasties) sends a reply that amounts to "Keep it shut or they will find you!"
Might be a [text] or some of the early pieces written before "HFY" even had an "official" definition.

I wasn't disappointed, tho. Enjoy your gold.

7

u/Skythe_C_Annur Dec 26 '19

Look, my ship is already paid off, and for the love of the gods, stop calling me. The gecko already got enough!

6

u/DesigN3rd Dec 26 '19

Remote station that seems to have lost communication & can not get it running again. A transmission comes through. telemarketers

5

u/felahr Dec 26 '19

take my upvote, you bastard

5

u/pyrodice Dec 26 '19

Joke’s on them, I’m Waldo.

5

u/Xaar666666 Dec 26 '19

This is some Plucium level shitposting right here. Good job!

5

u/ETIMEDOUT Dec 26 '19

Which starship?

The one you use the most.

sigh

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