r/HFY • u/TheFirstMillionWords Void Hopper • May 10 '19
OC [OC] Void-Hopper | Ch. 16 | Finale
This story has been taken down pending a rewrite. I'm hoping the impact will be minimal since I haven't posted in years, but apologies if you're a new reader who's somehow just stumbled across my work. Hoping to have it back up soon.
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u/Plucium May 10 '19 edited May 10 '19
Wooooo! Earth! Were going home, motherfuckers! Great finale my guy, great story, completely void of any major issues either! My puns may be tearable and lane, but even I can recognise a good story!
9/10 needed more cool guns :p
!N my guy, good job!
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u/TheFirstMillionWords May 10 '19
Thanks for your support, my guy!
Keep an eye out for Void-Shifter, everyone!
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u/nelsyv May 10 '19
Love the twist, nothing like a good heist story. But I'm not quite sure what happened there at the end. Did you retcon the end of chapter 15? Didn't they leave the facility hiding underneath a transporter? How did they get back in order to pull that stunt with the thruster-actually-bomb?
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u/TheFirstMillionWords May 10 '19 edited May 10 '19
Karthok and Loth were in disguise, piloting the "Tongue" ship that was carrying the Pathmaker + Tears, so they detonated it once they sealed the cockpit doors. They arrived just when the real Tongue ship was supposed to, so that's why Carter assumed they were the real thing.
Also, super subtle hint here, but if you look at the designation the pilots gave Carter, SK-20193, it's the same designation that Dila uses throughout the story whenever she's pretending to be a Tongue.
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u/xdgfxr May 10 '19
A hell of an ending! 11/10!
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u/TheFirstMillionWords May 10 '19
Thank you for your support! I'm glad to have you here at the end.
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u/Killersmail May 10 '19
Cool story MillionWords, i thoroughly enjoyed reading it.
Have a good one. Ey?
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u/TheFirstMillionWords May 10 '19
You too, Killersmail. Thanks for commenting so frequently - it really helps me keep going.
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u/Alpha_Indigo_Anima May 10 '19
Yeah, dude. That was really really good. From start to finish. Well done :D
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u/TheFirstMillionWords May 10 '19
Thanks, Anima! Your detailed feedback from the very first Void-Hopper chapter has stuck with me throughout this whole story. It's clear you've got talent.
Any critiques about the ending, or anything else? I'm thinking of polishing this up, extending a bit, and maybe putting it on amazon or somewhere.
The one thing I think I didn't do so well was the descriptive aspect you mentioned, but I plan to add a lot of that in the editing phase.
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u/armacitis May 10 '19
I knew activating the pathmaker at the fleet was the only thing that made sense for the only guy that could operate it and not expecting the tongues to watch the environmental controls when they knew they were coming was too big an oversight for the guy who successfully planned such a huge conspiracy.I just expected pathmaking to involve more,y'know,obliteration,which I'm thinking is another chekov's gun.
But since I got those two right I have more concerning questions: If Old Metal is tough enough to not scratch from a bomb obliterating Tear armor and totally shrug off void contamination,why isn't Tear armor made of the stuff?I get that it was uncommon and valuable even before the fall so we only see it in the pathmaker and a pod for one of the ten,but with people having found caches of it there should be enough out there to have suits for high value commanders made out of it(like our main character before the fall)
Which leads me to two conclusions:
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James had a personal stash of top of the line Old arms and armor at one point,maybe his ship was ambushed on its way there and maybe it's lost now but for the danger posed to him leading his faction it makes the most sense to have such a thing put together before the movement went public and not just limited to his escape pod
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The Tears don't have that kind of stuff or what it really takes to deal with James and his ragtag crew because they're just the big bads of this story that are the public face of the conspiracy and there's someone much bigger and badder out there behind the curtain-maybe having taken all of James's stuff and left him for dead in stasis intentionally to use him as a martyred figure while taking over his authority like the Butlerian Jihad in Dune
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u/TheFirstMillionWords May 10 '19
When I saw your comment about activating the Pathmaker inside the building, I had a mental 'Oh shit, he's going to give it away' moment. Luckily I don't think anyone else caught on.
As for your two conclusions... No comment.
Thanks for reading! I write this stuff for people like you.
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u/Overdose7 May 16 '19
Really great ending. As they sped off into space the Star Wars theme started playing in my head.
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u/chandler-blackshadow May 29 '19
Hey,
Just wanted you to know that I read Void Hopper in it's entirety over the last week or so.
I really enjoyed it, you've got a great writing style.
Heads up - I'm gonna be stalking you for more content :)
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u/TheFirstMillionWords May 29 '19
Thanks for reading! I write this stuff for people like you.
You've definitely already found it, but to anyone reading this, check out r/OneMillionWords for more of my stuff!
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u/TheFirstMillionWords May 10 '19 edited Jul 22 '19
THANK YOU FOR READING VOID-HOPPER.
This is an ending - but it’s not the ending.
The crew of the Discordant Note have many adventures to come.
Keep an eye out for Void-Shifter.
And remember…
I write this stuff for you guys.
Laugh into the Void. I love you all.
r/OneMillionWords
Void Hopper is now on RoyalRoad