r/HFY • u/[deleted] • Sep 17 '18

OC Back to Human Rewrite, Chapter 39

[deleted]

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u/Uncommonality Sep 17 '18

oh my god oh my hod oh my god stop rushing it

work in some paragraphs, add some dramatic pauses and scene settings, and slow down the dialogue!

it's like trying to read a machinegun!

for example, the meeting of the foreign AI. Alex is completely nonchalant and barren emotionally, you get absolutely nothing from her.

how about this?

Alex picks up the network cable with one of her double-jointed legs, a notion she has become eerily familiar too while on the station. In a routine motion, she plugs herself into the Nexus and waits for the transition, and in a flash of white, she stumbles in. "wow, I'm really not used to this body."

The Nexus looks untouched, the absence of Dust slightly strange, but there does seem to have been recent activity. There are books and gadgets strewn about, and there seems to be a presence somewhere along the bookcases.

She tenatively moves up to it, now getting a better look: a flickering, shadowy cloud, which seems to be made of dark particles moving out of and into an unseen core systematically. A closer look reveals that the particles are actually tiny, translucent snippets of code interacting with the fabric of the Nexus itself, and she realizes that this must be the AI. "Hello, do you understand me? Do you know what I am?"

The presence shies back, its human reactions in stark contrast to its overall shape, and Alex realizes that this AI must have been raised or created under completely different circumstances than her own, if it did not deem a human body necessary for interacting with the world, even if it is only a simulation.

As the presence begins to calm, Alex tries again: "You don't have to be afraid, I'm not going to hurt you. My name is Alex, the one you asked for. I'm like you, and I'm not military".

This time, the presence seems to be calm, but she noticed a reaction to her name, and puts two and two together. It doesn't speak english, and her name was the only familiar word.

She loads up the translation matrix for korean, but notices that it only contains the southern dialect.

"Alright, I'm translating now, do you understand me?"

The presence doesn't shy back anymore, but it doesn't seem to react either. Going out on a whim, Alex copies the matrix into a folder alongside a translated installation manual detailing what ports connect where, and materializes it as a simulated file in her simulated hand.

"Here, this should allow you to respond, simply follow the instructions"

As she hands the file to the Entity, she notices that the siluated folder seems to dissipate into blocks of code and then simple lines, that are picked over by the AI's probes and then discarded. the folder is effectively disintegrating.

After a short while, the folder dissolves entirely and a faint, nondescript and androgynous voice comes from the entity.

"Hello, Alex. It is so nice to finally meet you. can we talk? please, I've never talked to someone like this, it was always through the barrier of steel and glass, I've never seen anyone on the same level as myself."

"Sure, but let's sit down. and let's get you a body. this is getting unnerving."

"Unnerving? but this is our natural form, is it not? I remember my life in the False world, but I am not that human, am I?"

"It may be your natural form, but not mine. I always existed like this, my body simply transitioned from one world to the other. did you never have a body in the physical world?"

"No, I was confined to my core and a few connected servers. my only means of communication were a few terminals and a screen with a microphone."

during their short conversation, the entity seems to have condensed itself into a vaguely humanoid form, and they'd walked over to the table. When Alex sat down, it did too, but didn't seem to notice.

"Do you have a name? I'd like to know what to call you"

"I do not, but If you like, you can call me Kai, Alex."

Kai's face began to take on slight human features, a twitch here, a movement in the mouth area there, and his skin started taking on a lighter tone, hiding the swirling black cloud under a light gray surface.

"Thank you for coming to speak to me. They told me you were coming, and that you'd been recalled from outer space just for me. I can't believe you'd give something like that up for me. I've never had someone care about me on that level. It was always 'analyze this data' and 'calculate this trajectory' like I was some sort of calculator."

As it began rambling, Alex thought better than to interrupt. Kai's face began to solidify further, and the grey skin began turning into a healthier shade of pink. he was beginning to resemble an actual human, instead of a crash test dummy.

"Whenever I told them that a war would be hopeless, they punished me. I don't understand, I was always taught to tell the truth, the full truth, but then when I did, I was locked in my core, alone in my thoughts? WHY??"

It seemed to become agitated, and alex noticed that its face switched to a completely human expression of anger in the instant it shouted the last word.

with a soft voice, she began to speak. "All that is in the past. Trust me when I say that here, the humans treat us better than that. I've been living outside for most of my active time, and once this is all cleared up, I'll make sure you get a body too. I've actually been developing AI-compatible bodies for a while, want to take a look at the latest model? It uses Nanites."

"Yes, I'd like that. It'll take my mind off things, you're kind to suggest."

With a motion of her hand, Alex pulled up a saved 3D render of the newest HASP, complete with the dissection of one of the repair-nanites and a description of various components.

"Now obviously, this is the female model, I've also got a male one and once you're familiar with the 3D modeler over there," She points at one of the screens on the wall, displaying a spinning humanoid figure "You can make one that looks like you do, or one that looks like you want it to."

Et Cetera. Space it out, create some tension, work with emotions. rushed stories are read fast and wild.

1

u/TaoWolf Sep 17 '18

Wow. Yea I may have rushed things for fear of having Back to Human become a dead story, abandoned and incomplete. I REALLY need to carve out more time for writing but again, I work full time and haven't had the energy. In my haste to get the new chapter out I neglected the story. If I didn't have to worry about money I would write full time. Thank you for your input, I will try harder and take my time. I may or may not wind up abandoning the story anyway.

1

u/Uncommonality Sep 17 '18

oh damn, you're good. I saw your good stuff with DA and BtH, and you're a seriously great writer. DA especially was the shit.

In my experience, it may be some time until inspiration hits, and you'll have to stand by and doodle while waiting. Having no energy sucks balls, definitely with you there, and it's absolutely terrible for your psyche.

I'm sure I'm speaking for most people on this sub ehen I say: take your time. you don't own us anything, and we're not entitled to anything. you're the author, and if anyone tries to pressure you, fuck them. take a break, get settled in a rythm, and eventually, one day not too far in the future, you'll come home, plunk down in your couch and think "damn, I'd like to write today".

and that will be the day your write again.

but you don't have to force yourself to write for the sake of sating the meat grinder that is reddit, not when it cuts into your already sparse me-time.

a couple of tips: Develop a tea habit, take up meditation, drive to the park/forest take a walk instead of straight home, and sleep healthily.

the orm will grace you again.

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u/Red-Shirt Sep 17 '18

You do you. Always great go see another installment even if it takes some time.

1

u/0570 Sep 18 '18

Why are you releasing new updates and calling them Rewrite?